TheLastSongbird's Blog

I got back from my holiday in Wales on Friday, followed by a lot of packing, tidying and unpacking because I moved out of halls on Saturday. Sunday was exhausting, I was tidying my room for 6 hours straight. I had far too many clothes that I hadn't worn for ages, but they've been recycled now, and my wardrobe doesn't look a mess any more

The holiday was great, we got a bit of sunshine and the beach was right opposite the house we were staying in, so we spent some time in the sea even though the water was freezing. We explored the towns and villages around where we were staying, and I bought three books from a couple of second hand book shops for £10.50 (I'm still so pleased about that). The last one we went in had that delicious fusty old book smell ^^ We played a lot of games of hide and seek in the early hours of the morning with all the lights off xD It was a fun trip, and I found that I could talk to most people who went more easily than I thought. By Friday I felt glad that it was nearly time to go home though. I find that unless I'm with family, very close friends or the person I'm in love with, I can't stay around one group of people for very long without feeling restless.

I'm so happy to have moved back home for the rest of the Summer. I can't wait till Wednesday, I'll be going to my love's house to stay for a week, then he'll be coming to mine for two weeks. It's a bit hard to believe that in a little less than three months we will have been together for six months. The time's gone so quickly.

I've been feeling tense and anxious a lot lately, but this evening I wrote a long letter to my boyfriend about things that have been bothering me, had a good cry and now I feel better. So that explains the root of it all. Had a feeling, but I didn't want him to be the cause. I can't help but love him, but more and more recently he's been troubling me to the point where I can't look forward to seeing him any more. I just worry instead, about what I should be preparing myself for, whether he'll be in a good mood for the week I'm there. It's nothing really serious, it's just that because he can't pick and choose when he sees me as freely now we've moved away from uni, I'm at his during days when he'd rather keep to himself, and he takes his moods out on me because I'm easy to pick on. My mum and his parents say I should give him some back, but I find that near on impossible, and I think that's the wrong way to be going about it anyway. He has suffered a lot from depression, and I think that hangs around him. I know that sort of thing never really goes away.

Anyway, I wrote this letter saying all the things I can't bring myself to actually tell him for fear of hurting him, even after he's hurt me so much. Mostly little things, petty insults, mean tricks and stupid arguments (if you can call it that when you're just being shouted at and talked down to, and you find yourself unable to say much to back yourself up). But they build up, and it feels like I'm back at school being bullied again. I'm going to give it to him when I see him. I needed to offload this somewhere, I want to be sure he's in the right frame of mind when he knows about it, and I don't want my parents to worry. Here felt like the best place.

I often find myself thinking it must be true love, because I can take everything he throws at me and still adore him when he comes round from it. But then I wonder if I'm just a coward, afraid of being alone. I don't want it to come to that. I'll be showing him what's wrong in black and white on Wednesday. If he won't try and treat me better then, I'll have to start thinking seriously about whether he's right for me. I never thought this would happen. I thought we were good for each other, at the start I thought I'd healed him. But if there's anything wrong, he won't have a civilised conversation with me, he just starts picking and tearing at me. I can't do anything to help if he's going to be like that. I feel that he's troubled, and I want to take it all away from him. But saying that, he's even started when he's supposedly in a good mood now, saying and doing stupid and sometimes hurtful things then trying to excuse himself with flattery or saying it was a joke, hitting and biting me for no reason and saying he just gets "carried away". That is the poorest excuse for hurting anyone I've ever heard. But I never say that to his face, because I don't want him to get in a bad mood with me. I can't win a lot of the time right now.

I don't even know if I can say I'm being abused or not. He's never done me any serious harm, but I can't get away from the things he says and does to me a lot of the time, apart from when I'm at home and then I'm longing to see him again. That is, except for when he's cruel to me on the phone. But then there's times he's so loving and gentle still, when he tells me how much he loves me and I feel like nothing and no-one could ever hurt me.

I know I've been inactive here for quite a while, but without making my mum distraught and my dad furious this is the only place I can say these things to people I trust. I'm worried about Wednesday. I don't know how he's going to react, and I'm scared nothing will change even though I'll pour my heart and soul out to him that day. I have so much patience with the people I love and he's taking advantage of that. I feel like I'm going through test after test of how much I can give. I know this can't go on forever, especially not at this time, while my Great Auntie's in hospital suffering from the early onset of dementia and she's about to go into a care home, where she definitely won't settle until she's given lots of time to adjust or she loses her mind completely. I feel like I'm losing two people I have so many wonderful memories with and so much love for without being able to have any sense of closure. I know something good will come out of this at some point. I just wish I knew what and when.