Sadie's Blog.

So, this is my blog guys! I guess you're pretty bored if you're reading this.. Haha.
So, let's start from the beginning so you understand.
Ever since I was born, my mom has been Manic Depressive and Bipolar.
If you don't know what that is, Manic Depressive + Bipolar = suicide.
She hasn't successfully done it yet, but she has come really really close before.
I have watched her attempt to take her own life 50+ times.
It isn't fun, especially when you are so small you can barely comprehend the idea of television and how the cartoons aren't real people.
She has been in the psych ward for probably 50% of my life.
She has had ECT's twice now. She just finished another set on Saturday.
She had eight.
Life is so fucking hard sometimes!
I have had to witness her cut/injure/hurt herself many more times than I ever wanted to.
She is now married to a really good guy.
He has a daughter that is 4 years older than I am.
I live with them.

My bio dad;
He was a drunk.
A verbally abusive one.
Also very angry.
He broke promises, never held one.
He hurt me...a lot.
He never hit me, but I think I would prefer it, honestly.
Wounds heal, but words stay with you forever.
He isn't drinking anymore, but he is still a pill popper.
He is married with a wife who has had cancer twice and many other medical complications.
She also has a daughter 11 months younger than I am.
They are both drama queens.

My story;
I always used to hurt myself, even when I was little.
I have been depressed since I can remember.
I don't think it's normal for a 3 year old to be depressed, but I was.
I began cutting myself in November of '11.
I have been able to count 53 scars.
I have been bullied since I was in pre-school.
I have been so self conscious that I have tried nearly everything to be perfect;
Nothing has worked.
I am currently anorexic.
I have moved 17 times in 13 years.
I have been to 12 different schools.
I have never been able to keep a friend for longer than a year because I always move.
I attempted suicide last month.
I hate being in the center of the spotlight.
I hate people.
I hear people judging me in their minds when I walk by. (probably a mental disorder, I'm sure I can't read minds.)
So..that's my story, at least what I can think of right now.

i think your story is tragic...but you are not alone...hundrends of others live the same situation..i can't give you any advise, i haven't lived any of that, but you are 13..and life is in front of you..you are still a child. a child without childhood. the world will be yours one day. don't waste your life. you have to be strong. for your mom and especially you. no one will love more if you won't love yourself...remember, you are not alone, and YOU can be whatever you want to be.. <3 love you <3 (and dont try suicide again or i'll come there and kick your ass!!!!!!!!)

Thank you so much <3
I love you too <3
Haha, I won't(:

wow.What a sad tlife to live threw. hope things will get better for you. You can have the power to over come this and do something awesome in life.

Thank you<3

Gah. Remember, you can always text me just to talk about whatever.
I got a new phone and keep forgetting to find your number again.
Things will get better.
It takes rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.
Your sunshine will come soon<3

Awh.. Thanks(:

YW

I feel so confused.
When people talk about like, stuff that only 'adults' experience,
I relate 99.9% of the time but no one believes me.
They say that I am just trying to grow up too fast.
But honestly,
I think that I already grew up in a way;
From all the things I have witnessed.
It changed my mindset, forced me to grow up in my mind.
I just hate being misunderstood.
Especially by the people who should understand the most.
Like love for instance,
I'm not saying I have found my one true love,
But I have found someone I like a lot.
I have lost a lot of boyfriends because I am ready for something more..
Mature? (not sex, nonononono.)
But most of my past boyfriends all are their own age;
They always think that a relationship is not talking to her(me) and
you know, fourth grade stuff (:
But I am.. idk.
I am rambling.
People probably don't understand, so I'll quit boring you to death now.

Ι believe you..but you gave your own answer....the fact that you grew up earlier that you should doesn't show you that you have to live that way... when you go home you have your own problems that very few will understand..so enjoy the rest of your life..right now, friends, and having fan is the secret to keep you going..relationships, and sex, and problems will be for the rest of your life...you grew up without asking it..so try to be the child you are...you can show you mature in school, friends and situtions..having a boyfriend is no wrong or stupid at your age, bu you have so many years in front of you...do as you please..whatever makes you happy..a walk, a trip, a joke, a relationship, a friend, a hobby..anything..FOR YOU..but always be careful..unfortunately no all people are good, nor all want your good..love yourself more than anyone else...... <3

Thank you, that is so helpful<3
But...;
I have tried to love myself more than anyone for years now, but I just couldn't.
I have terrible self esteem and I hate myself ):

anyone in your place would feel that way...look, besides the crap, and religion or fairytales about after life or shit...let's assume you only live once..ONCE..then you'll soil and worms..you live, like what, 70-80 years, if you;re lucky...it's not that long but it's something..then comes the logic..and heart...it's time to choose..
a) live a miserable life doing what others please, or abusing yourself with drugs and Other dependences, or being sad and psycological wrack OR
b) take life as a chance to bloom, and be happy, do things you love, enjoy this world, good or bad, doesn't really matter, (mother nature can make you feel happy without any effort), and show people that you came in this world to be yourself, live happily and die peacefully...you can grow up, study something you love, make it your job, find someone special, have children, that you'll make sure, never see the things you saw...you can raise them well, healthy and happy...and when the time comes and you'll be a grandma, you'll see what you achieved and leave this world, having left behind your little mark... that's how i see it..i'll never let again ANYONE make me feel like a nothing..i am everything for me, and for the people who love me..and that's enough for me..i'll show them what i can be.. and i'll be happy..FOR ME..

and i'm gonna dedicate to you, and all my moonsiblings who feel that way, a few songs that made me feel strong when i had problems...maybe not your taste, or my taste now (i'm more like a rock girl) but the lyrics mean a lot, and that's why the vids are with lyrics...listen carefully <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRZdJFR_vBI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rSjqbQLMAA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH9aTx0Ccog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvRBFFCBmcY

Those lyrics are amazing <3
But the music style isn't really my type.


I feel like a nuisance.
To everyone.
On here, I feel like I am just annoying everyone by posting on here;
Especially because usually people just ignore my posts.
At home, everyone yells at me no matter what I do or say.
At school, everyone laughs at me, talks bad, and gives me dirty looks as I walk by.
I want to just... drop off the face of the Earth so that everyone can be happy.
I just hate it.
I feel like a burden on society.
Do I annoy you guys?

Stop saying stupid things....of course you dont annoy any of us....

Well I feel like I do.

you shouldn't...period...we love you in here..you should always remember that...

"On here, I feel like I am just annoying everyone by posting on here;
Especially because usually people just ignore my posts."
No one is annoying here, at least I think so. Everyone has the right to write whatever they want. Just don't write anything vulgar or otherwise offensive material :D And people are not ignoring you. I for one read everything on "what're you thinking" thread, and I've read your blog. Usually I just don't come up with anything to say, or someone else has already said something similar what I would've said.

"At home, everyone yells at me no matter what I do or say."
With that, I can't really help. Other than that people really shouldn't yell at you or anyone else for that matter... Humans are capable of talking about things calmly, they just don't usually do that when their feelings get heated up. Maybe just, count to ten, and ask "what happened, what did I do wrong?"

"At school, everyone laughs at me, talks bad, and gives me dirty looks as I walk by."
Fuck 'em.
No, really, I mean that. If they have something to say, come and say it to your face. They're cowards for talking bad behind your back. They apparently don't know how nice a person you are, and are merely behaving like that towards you because of gossip and prejudices. And also, because kids have the COOL things and the UNCOOL things, and everyone who doesn't follow the COOL, is stupid and blahblahblah. "Popular" kids are almost always idiots. Pay no attention to them. It's their problem if they can't be nice to people.
I know, because I've gone though the same. Almost everyone has. All the COOL popular girls bullied me, and I still to this day cannot understand, why. They never said what was wrong with me in their opinion. All I can say, that I was different from them. Somehow. My weight? To me, it doesn't matter when you're a kid. And weight can be lost. Clothes? Trends fade, and clothes can be changed. My acne? Well, nothing I could do about that. It's a disease for me, not some teenage hormone thing. I still have acne. My nature? My nature is that I don't judge people by their looks, and that I don't bother with replying to idiots. My skills? I have always been great at English and arts, maybe they were jealous. My small boobs? Well, nothing I can do about that, either xD At least they're a bit bigger than my mom's, lol.
Um, yeah. It's all opinions, and most of the time they don't even matter. You will meet the right people, who agree with you. People who you can actually call friends.

"I feel like a burden on society."
So do I, but that's because I'm so old and I still haven't donated money to anywhere, and that I don't have a constructive job. I just stay at home and do arts and play games and such... But at least I'm trying to learn how to live like a proper human being. I'm learning to clean up and try to exercise xD I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, and I haven't. I haven't graduated from anywhere and I just... am. At home, with my fiancé and our cat.

So, um, sorry for rambling at some points, but that's just how I am. I tell examples and opinions :D I know life feels all pointless when you're a teenager and live in harsh conditions... But after you get over that period of time, maybe at 20 or something, you'll start feeling better... When you have a place of your own, maybe a job you like, have REAL friends instead of those school fashion dolls...
Keep your thoughts in the future, on what you want to do, where you want to visit. Concentrate on school, and let the bad people be among themselves. The sky is the limit when you put your mind to it.

Maybe even try these exercises, where you write all the bad things you think and hear on a piece of paper, and tear it to bits, or burn it. It sort of... works in your mind that you destroy such thoughts and comments, and are left with nice thoughts. Write nice things down, decorate them and put them on a wall. Motivational posters of some sort :D

I have never really talked with you, but let me tell you how much I care about you. Just by looking at your avatar I can see you're a fun and colorful girl :D I don't want you to feel down, you don't deserve it. I want nothing but happiness for you. Getting out of negative thoughts takes a lot of time and practice, but it is possible <3

Omg.. thank you! Just.. thank you. Wow, idk what to say (: <3

Hi honey, excuse me that I couldn’t read earlier but I had to learn. And don’t think that we are bored that we read your blog. I’m so happy that you writing about it what you feel. When you have problems it helps so much. Don’t forget about it. I’m so sorry about situation with your mom and dad. I know manic depression and bipolar. I remember that Kerli a few times mentioned that she is bipolar. For your mom must be hard but you are very important for her. She shoulds to know that you love her always. Life isn’t easy.. is like a puzzle. We must to do one image from many elements. Elements aren’t the same. You will through by many situations hard and easy by all life. You will fighter. And we will believe in you all time. And don’t forget that your dad must to have problems, and by it he hurt you. Please try to forgive him. We are only humans and doing many mistakes.

Please, don’t hurt yourself. This isn’t good. You need to more light in life. About being depressed I think that is a normal. You are so young, in your age this is so normal. We changing life, ideas, feeling… this is mix in mind. So hard mix.
Please don’t cut yourself. It will make you worse. About perfection I have the same like you, but you must to understand that perfection doesn’t exist. Don’t allow win Ana, she is only something in your mind. You can doing everything and don’t think about these stuffs which she brings to you. If someone helps you with fight with anorexia?
Try to talk to family that they don’t do more moving, explain to their your feelings.

DON’T TRY SUICIDE!!! You are too younger. You will see so many amazing stuffs in life. Don’t lose chance. Always you can send to me message here. I’m here for you.
Don’t worry about people. They always judging us. We must to live with it. Really try to accept yourself. Honey, boys growing longer than girls.. this is a normal.

We don’t ignore you, you aren’t annoying. You are very smart and nice girl. Don’t think about people in school. They are like a kids. Don’t worry, please. Please , believe in yourself.

And maybe music can help you a little. These songs helped me, maybe will be good for you too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRr-MBYWH2E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaxBq-3tygE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMsm0Y7lI8U

more is there: http://www.tableoflove.net/t3416-send-question-to-interview-with-outcast-youth

Natt you are absolutely right...but EXACTLY the same things are about you too....Sadie reminds me of you...Do you see how sad that makes you..you are all my firends and moonsiblings and i love you all..and i wan all of you to be happy...make a change in your life....

Lena, when I read Sadie's posts I felt in it part of me, this is reason why I understand her and you. But you know me some time and you know that this is hard for me.... and I wanna also that everyone was happy. many love

i know my sweet natt....bu you can see it now from our point of view...SO, that's how we feel about you too..i want you to be happy..both of you, and all my moonchildren <3

Lena, but this isn't easy... I don't see this point about myself... I love everyone


Sadie how do you feel?

What do you mean? About what Lena is saying or just overall?

I think she means overall...and i want to know too.. <3 haven't heard from you a few days now.. <3 hope you're fine!

Hey hun. I just read your story. It made me so sad to know that you have had such a sad life. I just want to say that you deserve to be happy and enjoy life. I want you to know that we all love and care about you and you will always have help here. Its so saddening to know that you are 13 and already tried to committ suicide. Please, please dont try it again. I know life is really though and you have been through so much that I couldnt imagine,and I'm 20, but dont throw your life away! You are so special to the world and you deserve to have a beautiful life. I know things are really dark right now but remember if there is dark there is light. Your light is coming hunny! Just please hold on. You are so young and even though the situations have made you grow up fast remember you are young and you deserve to just be carefree and happy. also I dont know if you like demi lovato but if you do her music is very relatable. If you have a fb you can add me if you want and if you ever need to talk. Im here for you anytime! Hope things are going better! I.L.U

mile86 wrote:I think she means overall...and i want to know too.. <3 haven't heard from you a few days now.. <3 hope you're fine!

I've been a lot better.
I have just been taking a break from everyone, everything.
I am going to a concert soon;
It gives me something to look forward to.

I have realized that suicide is never the answer.
Maybe you're sad, but there are other options.
There is always someone that loves you,
whether you know it or not.
It would kill them to see you die.
And I couldn't imagine finding someone I love dead because they killed themself.
That would kill me.
And everyone was put here for a purpose,
whether they realize it or not.
Life is full of surprises, GOOD surprises,
And if you kill yourself, then you miss out on so much.
I am over that phase.
lol(:

i'm so happy for you baby....i love you so much...we'll be here for you <3

awwww

Thank you all so much.
I think you have all helped me more than anything in my outlook and the way I see things.
You are all just.. amazing (: <3

And I have been doing lots of crafts, too.
That is a way for me to vent, I think.
It helps me a lot.
And when it turns out the way I want it to,
it makes me feel good about myself (:
Like how I made the pillow.
(if you haven't seen it, it is in the Handcrafts section; Kawaii Pillow)
Crafts and art are amazing vents.


I am in an amazing mood right now.
I want to freaking cry of happiness.
And I don't know why!
I love everyone.
I love you guys, especially.
Thank you for everything you have done for me.
I can't thank you enough.
You showed me that there are people who do love me.
And I love some people;
All people.
But I love you guys extra. (:
Thank youuuuuuu.

we love you too little star

Soo..
Today has been a downer day.
I have just not had a good day since I woke up.
I know this is just a stupid average problem, but I really liked this boy.
I told one of my best guy friends about it.
My guy friend and the boy I like are both in my 5th period class and they both sit on the same table.
Well my guy friend says,
"Hey Jordan! Wanna know something? Sadie asked me for your number. She also told me that..
SHE LIKES YOU!!"
I was so freaking embarrassed.
Everyone was staring.
Everyone.
And Jordan was laughing.
Then he says,
"Wait..
Sadie, like the Sadie that sits over there?" *then he points at me.*
My guy friend is like,
"Yeah! Right there!"
Then Jordan starts laughing and whispering something to my guy friend.
Ever since then I have wanted to freaking curl up in a ball and die.
I am just so embarrassed I don't know what to do.
I..
I just don't know.
And did Tel(my guy friend) do that to hurt me?
Or was he just playing?
Either way, it really embarrassed me.
A lot.
I know this is average so maybe I am over reacting.
I am just so self conscious.
I fucking hate it.
Ugh.
What if he tells everyone?
I am going to die.

Omfg.

so what if he says everyone? that's all right...you like someone...it's so natural and beautiful... it's better that he knows...if i were you, i'd take jordan and tell him "look, i like you, i know you may laughing at this, but this is how i feel, and please don't make fun of it.." i think that's enough..if he likes you back he'll tell you, if he doesn't, he'll know from you, how you feel and if he's a descent guy, he won't make fun of you, and not let anyone else do...if this doesn't happen the guy is just a jerk !!

P.s your guy friend is an ass..

I totally with what mile86 and I just want to add that in this age boys are very immature and they tend to do stupid things just becase they think its fun XD If I were you I wouldn't tell that guy friend important stuff again clearly he is not mature enought to handle them.

The same thing has happened to me too and its a good way to see what a guy he is and how he feels about you Don't be embarrassed love is a great thing

So,
My life just got fucking amazing in the past 3-4 days.
Not.
On Tuesday, I went to my dad's house for a couple hours.
The cops were there and Preston(my dad's friend who I consider a brother) was being falsely accused of stealing a bunch of stuff.
He gets anxiety really bad, so he panics easily.
He panicked too much, and took a bunch of medication.
A lot.
We couldn't take him to the hospital though, because then he would get in trouble for taking medication that wasn't his.
So I spent the night to help watch over him.
Now he is fine, but he came down with the flu.
Yesterday, I found out that my dad and his wife are getting a divorce.
Which also means that I will no longer be allowed by mom to see my step sister.
She doesn't approve of her.
My step mom is a mega whore whenever they fight so my dad will be jealous.
She is going to go stay with a couple guys who are 6-7 years younger.
What a cougar.
My dad will have to move about 1 hour away, which means that I can't see him that much.
He has to stay in a homeless shelter and he loses his job.
I am so scared that he will start drinking.
So scared.
My mom and step dad have started fighting again.
The ECT's didn't work very well, obviously.
My grades are also failing and I have no idea what to do.
I have been so stressed and depressed lately.
I am also scared because I can feel myself going down the same path I was when I first started cutting myself.
I..
I don't know.
I just have no idea what to do.

oh my, i'm so sorry baby...you must be strong right now....i don't even know what to say, it's so weird, so bad.. just remember we love you... i wish i could help <3

Before cutting your self think about all the people that are going to be sad about it. You are in a position where things change around you very quickly and you are asked to cope with that. Of cource it is very bad and it sucks and you may even wish that you weren't who you are so that you wouldn't have to go throught what you are but if you give up now then you will loose all the beautiful things in your life that are about to come.

I beleive that life is based on the a rule called "equal exchange" meaning that for you to get something good and be happy then something bad must have happened in the first place and the opposite. Thus all these shit that happens to you are for a reason, I believe that something great is going to happen to you sooner or later. Don't forget sometimes good fall apart in order so better things can fall together


Then again from all these things that you go throught you learn the hard way what are the stuff that you must not do and how you shouldn't act which is an important lesson.

What I do when I am in shit is that I take a time out of everything talk with a friend of mine ask some advice, when you talk about the stuff bothering you, you undertand them a lot better and usually my friends see the situation that I am into differently than I do and so they offer solutions that I couldn't think about XD. When I want to cry I put a cool song on my ipod and start dancing or go infront of the mirror and make my self smile. ( you can also go to 9gag this will defently help). Don't forget smilling is the most important thing!

Oh and life has decided to be a bitch on you right now, show her that you are the boss!!!

100% agreed.... <3

I have been a lot better today, still sad, but better.
I have decided that I am the boss.
Not my depression.
I WILL NOT let it take control,
and I WILL NOT let it make me cut myself and think about suicide.
I am the boss.
I won't let me do that to myself ever again.
No matter what.

that's my girl! you make me so proud baby...these are the thoughts you must have! i love you, we're here for you!!

YES kick the shit out of it girl thats the spirit

I am getting increasingly scared..
I think I may be being followed by some spirits, because nearly everywhere I go, I notice 'activity.'
It is really freaking me out.
If I am, what should I do?

Sorry I am not good with these stuff XD what do you mean activity? are they good or bad spirits?

Bad, I mean, it's scary stuff that's been going on.
I have gotten to the point to where I can barely sleep at night.

awhh honey why? what's going on? i'm so sorry you feel that way...i wish i was there to help you.. actually i don't believe in these things...i think your mind is messing with you..all your fears and problems come out as paranormal activity around you...but it's sad that you're scared!! i'd say, a hug, a kiss and sleep!!!

You know at somepoint I thought I saw ghosts XD and I was so scarred that I had to sleep with my mon. Anyway what I did was to Imagine these ghost and then becaume my fav superhero and beat it up in my imagination. It really helped and whetever I opened my eyes again and it was dark in my room and I was scared I said outloud "you ain't gonna shit on be bitch". Then I laughted at myself for saying and imagining such things and went back to sleep

Bottom line is that all these things were in my imagination and so since it is you who are the master of your mind you can control these things the way you want Try it I believe it will help...

I don't believe in spirits either, it's usually my mind that is messing with what I see. I've seen people and huge bugs that weren't really there, and they all happened when I was tired or stressed. I blame stress mostly :P I saw them more when I was a kid, now I just see random things, like... branches on the floor O_o

But yeah, I don't know whether you're actually seeing things or just feeling, but I told these things so you can see what might be causing it.

If it's just a feeling, maybe you can do some cleansing rituals in your room, or keep a lucky charm with you to make you feel better and more safe :)

And maybe get a dreamcatcher in your room?

Omg, I love Never Shout Never (: <3 I went to their concert on May 1st, and I got to meet the singer. It was the best experience of my life. I'm in love <3