TheLastSongbird's Blog

i just found out my course starts on the 19th of september.. so ill be free til then lol well ill have to find a part time job but im sure i have a day to promo kerli as well!

aah can't wait!

Me neither, so excited about this!

im scared as well HAHA! im always so shy meeting new people and even though i feel like ive known you for years and years i still get butterflies at the thought of finally meeting u!

Woah, I'm glad I'm not the only one xD I'm mostly really happy about it though. And you can be certain I'm just as nice and odd as I appear on here, lol!

haha same here lol
we can just blush together and at least we have tons to talk about kerli haha

TheLastSongbird wrote:Next year, my New Year's resolution is going to be to show my true self every day, wherever I go. I'm going to be working up to that for the rest of this year. I've sunk so far into the habit of making choices based on what others might think of me if I come off at all different or strange, but I have nobody close to me who would ever judge me now I'm rid of everyone from school. It's high time I felt free to show my true spirit. I know it's going to take some time and work, but it will be worth it.

Thankyou, my moonsiblings, for accepting me for who I am and helping me come to this decision. I owe you so much, and I love you all!

You can do it! I'm in it with you, too... I feel like that's what it's been about for me for quite a while now.. getting used to being honest no matter the consequences. It's hard but so rewarding. And actually, you know what the best reward is? You find more people like you! Maybe you'll meet moonchildren

^ I'm sure you can do it too I feel like I'm getting there, even though it's happening very gradually.

So, not long ago I looked in the mirror and saw patches of colour around me that seemed like a mixture of dark blue and purple. Since then I've been experimenting with focusing my energy to my hands and fingers, and every time I do that and focus my eyes in a certain way, I can see the same colours around my fingers, like an outline. Sometimes I see more blue, other times there's more purple, occasionally they're mixed together like (dare I say it?) a shade of indigo! I think I've started seeing my own aura...I can hardly believe it, I've wanted this for so long, but I didn't think I was 'special' enough to see auras. I think it's a change in my state of mind that's freed my vision. How I see the world seems to be literally changing.

I've been seeing fairies a lot clearer lately too. On Saturday night, I was sat outside looking at the stars and I saw the actual shape of my fairy - just a glimpse of her outline, and only for less than a second, but she was there! I saw a constellation that night too, The Plough. It was such a beautiful night.

Today I'm seeing shimmers in the air all over the place, there are so many fairies in my bedroom right now, lots of tiny and clear ones. I usually can't see my Vyvi that clearly in the daytime, but I can see her purple glow so vividly. I can feel their joyful spirits all around me, and the warmth of their energy. It's like my third eye is wide open too, it feels heavy in the centre of my forehead as though it's tired and not used to me being aware of it. So much is going on and so much is different. I know now that I'm no more or less special than anyone on Earth.

It's weird, I felt so sad yesterday and I didn't know why. I just felt unworthy of everything and like my own self was against me...I don't know how else to explain it. But I think I was unloading all of that negativity in one go, ready for whatever has happened to me today. It comes as no surprise to me that the 7th month of 2011 - the Year of Change - is turning out to be such a time of revelations. Now that dream I had not long ago makes complete sense. I'm so excited about what the rest of this month will bring

Oh, and I have a pet spider Well, she's not exactly a pet, but she's been keeping a web outside my bedroom window for months now. She goes elsewhere for most of the day, but she always comes back to her web at night. I've named her Vespa. She looks about 1cm long, maybe slightly longer, she's mostly dark brown, and she has four tiny yellow spots on her abdomen, and two yellow bands on each of her back legs. The web she's woven is the biggest I've ever seen. I hope she is female, I have a very strong feeling that she is though xD I'm really fond of her, she is a very beautiful spider.

* * * * * * *

I've just realised how much I miss seeing my best friend. I can physically feel it - my heartbeat's racing and my breathing is jilted just thinking about seeing her soon. I don't know if it's normal to feel this way for a friend...

I'm sure that I will always love her in a way that's beyond friendship. There's no way of categorising or explaining how I consider her, who she is to me, or how I feel about her. I've had thoughts about moving on from her, because I don't feel I mean quite as much to her as she does to me. But I think she needs me. I don't need her as such, but I'd feel lost if I ever came to a point in my life where I had to go on without ever having any contact with her again. She has been such an important part of my life and myself since the day I met her, and I don't think I could ever be completely without her.

Ok, maybe I do need her.

Sometimes I think our friendship was damaged because of me...but I get the feeling I need to move on from the part of myself that doubts and questions "what if...". I've been thinking about moving on the wrong way. Now I've got it figured out, it's time to do things the right way.

I love your post.. it must be fantastic when u see auras

Ok, guys, Vyvi agreed to me pulling some Faery Oracle cards for all of us! In fact, she was really excited when I asked I've done a Trinity spread - which shows the past, the present and the future - with four cards for the future, so they'll show what's in store for the year ahead. This spread gives guidance based on the lunar cycle, each Future card representing one complete cycle (a full lunar cycle occurs over three months - four cycles equates to a year) so this one seems perfect for MoonChildren.

Each card has quite an in-depth story to it, but for a more direct explanation of the meaning of each card, look at their Divinatory Meanings.

Past

Crystal Magic (Creation, Dawn, The beginning)

In the beginning, there was one faery, and a crystal chamber where all the souls of the world would be birthed...and she danced, and drew forth from one shining stone a soul, which she blessed and set free into the world....

This is the faery of creation, of the very beginnings of all things. Of the source, of the thought, of the spark, of the birth and of the magick of your connection to the Source.

This faery being is dancing into existence the song of the crystals, the form of the crystals. Within each of those crystals is a soul, which when birthed, will be you, and me, and we, and all. The dance of creation is an endless, lifetime-long song, with drifting harmonies and changes in rhythm from lifetime to lifetime, and we are all birthed from the same place, a place of source. We are all part of this divine connection, and we all have within us that flame, that is our star-fire, our connection to the All-That-Is. This faery asks you to remember that whoever you seem to be, there is a larger, more transpersonal part of who you are, a part of you that belongs within All-That-Is. And while you have individual expression of it this lifetime, you are indeed beyond knowing in a human sense. And this faery being's role is to sing the song, to dance the dance that reminds us all of our star-fire and our common origins.

She dances alone, and from each movement springs golden tendrils of energy, running from hands, through feet, whirling around and through her, a weaving of energies that calls souls back into life. And as long as she dances, shaping the source into patterns that we recognise as life forms, there will be happiness, and merriment, and the ecstasy of being. And the crystals sing, and life comes again.

Divinatory Meanings

Creating your own world. The end of chaos. Freedom to choose. Singing your own song. Freedom of movement. Grace and meaningful activity. Beginnings to new ventures that are divine. The origins of a new venture. The ability to heal or amplify energy crystals. Working with true energy, dance and movement to express yourself. Healing through sound, crystals, dance and energy. Ecstatic movement. Dancing as if you are alone - no self-consciousness, no guilt, total bliss in being.


Present

Light the Darkness (Ancestors, Ancestral line, Generational shift)

A tiny, bright, childlike faery straddles the grizzled head of a faery-elder. What can this mean? In faery lore, the head is particularly significant. It is in the head that inspiration, fire and power are said to reside. The faery told the ancient Celts of this secret, and the Celts then venerated and collected the heads of heroes slain, which often were said to live long after the "body" passed away. And this small bright faery is hearing all of the wisdom this old being has. He is sharing, telling and communicating, and while she may seem playful, she is attending to his every word, and she will remember for generations to come. You see, faery do not live forever, though they live very long lives, a great deal longer than any humans do, even the ones with human blood. However, they do fade away, and the small faery being atop the head of the old one will ensure the knowledge continues on.

On another level, the small brightness of the faery represents Inspiration, the muse, the fire in the head which we speak of in Celtic shamanism. It is when we feel and see and know that connection to all that is, when we are afire with inspiration and ideas that flow to us and from us and within us, that we are restored to our true self. This beautiful ancient being whose light is fading, is passing on this wisdom into the keeping of the young and often underestimated.

Divinatory Meanings

Listen to elders. Find a playful, wise elder from whom you can learn. Seek out relatives and ancestor wisdom. Search through your family tree for evidence of the magicks within you; they are there. Old wise ones have messages for you and you can learn much from them. Allow them to pass on their wisdom to you as a living tradition continues. Understand that you come from a long line of wise ones and connect with those elders. A chance encounter with an older person gives you much to think about. You will learn a great deal at this time if you connect with older people. Do not be afraid of growing older. You will never die, your light will be passed on, and your soul-spark will return to Source, to star-fire, to be renewed again, only as you agree to.

(This card was upside down when I drew it, so I will give the reversed meanings of it. A reversal means the Fae are tring to send an important message about a particular issue, so if you relate to any of the reversed meanings, pay very close attention to the message this card is trying to give to you.)

Reversed Meanings

Only sticking to people your own age. Knowing little about your older relatives. Mistrusting people who are older. Stereotypical thinking and beliefs about older people. Needing to connect with other people but feeling cut off from them, feeling they are unlike you. Believing that the generation gap is too wide to be bridged or that bloodlines don't matter. Denying your DNA. Wanting to cut yourself off from your family of origin, and their history and traditions.


Future

Beauty and the Beast (Unconditional love)

This beautiful faery is with those she loves. They are friends, true and sincere. She protects them and they protect her. Yet those she loves seem so different to her, yes? But she does not see that they are not tall and beautiful in the same way she is. She sees their wisdom, their courage, their dedication and their hard work. She is brimming with love for each of her friends, and their appearance being different is something she truly has not noticed. That is the way with unconditional love. We all have within us this ability to tap into a profound source of grace and blessings. And unconditional love, when we feel its grace within us, is a blessing, not only to others who receive it, but to we who choose to experience it. Being filled with this love can help us to heal and can assist us in finding beauty in all places. It can allow us to enter into life. Know that love, when it is given as a kind of business deal - you give to me and I will then give to you - is not love at all, but it is a business transaction. That kind of exchange will seem to give us control, but it does not create love between all beings. Unconditional love does. This faery princess loves all. The spark of soulfire within all beings is absolutely available to her sight. Her third eye is open and stimulated by the magickal green stone, the same colour as her earthling friends, and she is under no illusion. Beauty is beyond standard forms and features, and love cannot be given for complying and fitting in and making deals. Love simply is, and she has learned the art of allowing herself to be in love at all times, and thus her presence is felt as a blessing and the world and all its inhabitants bless her in return.

Faeries love all beings. They just do. And you can too.

Divinatory Meanings

Consider that you can see with everyone you encounter, indeed, every being you encounter, a spirit-being - someone who has that spark of soul-life within them. Consider then that when your soul-spark acknowledges theirs, you feel connected to divine love, which sees not species, race, creed or "distinguishing features". It enables you then to work and be with people who you may have once found difficult to be around. Unconditional love allows you to experience your own capacity for love, which is joyous and fills you with happiness. To dismiss, to be in retreat from others because of difference or cultural beliefs and stereotypes, is to dim your own internal source of light and reduce opportunities for friendship and love.

Greenman's Door (Portals to Faery, Wheel of the Year, Galactic and Gaian entry points)

The faery know that there are times when the door to their realm is firmly, well, shut. They choose when and to whom the door will open. And while they may not look like they are on guard, the beautiful faery maiden swinging oh-so-casually on the handle, and the Greenman of the wood - literally - behind her will not let any pass unless they have shown they are good and wild at heart.

But what the faery also know, and what you are about to learn, is a great secret. For there are eight great doors to Faery every 13 moons, and they are as old as Mother earth herself, and are powerful portals to other dimensions and worlds. Each of these great doorways and portals occurs throughout what witches call the Wheel of the Year, and they run from sundown to sundown of the following day.

You all learned of these times when you were very little, when you had time on your own, amongst nature, we faeries showed you the door, and told you when this door would open. You just had to know, and to stay aware. You just need to remember again when the doors open wide between the world of faery and your own. These eight special times have long been covered, or changed, or smothered by other lore. But now you know their true magicks, you too can experience the door opening.

Know that if you choose to connect with Faery at these times, you are entering a world between the worlds that is very real and utterly true, and can bring many things to fruition in your own world in "record time" as faeries are not impeded by our reckoning of days and nights.

Four of these doorways occur as Mother Earth breathes, grows and changes throughout the 13 moon cycle others call a year - and four are of the galactic web in which she is weaving our own earth dreaming and magicks. By connecting with each of the eight great festivals, you too will connect with powers of this earth, and beyond her. You will connect strongly with your faery self, which is both of this earth and beyond her too. You will be in tune with magick and by doing so, you will notice addictive relationships, compulsions to eat and partake of alcohol or foods that are not in tune with your magickal etheric earth self will fall away. These doorways, once walked through, can assist you in detaching from harmful thoughts and behaviours. Walking through these doorways HEALS.

Divinatory Meanings

You are about to pass through a potential doorway of time, thus you will soon have access to other dimensions and realities, including that of the faery. It is time to consider becoming a walker between the worlds, to draw back the veil and to part the mists. To do so will bring healing, change and powerful magicks into your current reality. Ask the Greenman and the faery maiden for permission to enter and make an offering. Then prepare for deep, beautiful, abiding change. Place your hand on the door, and push ever so gently. Then she will open.

Into the Woods (Stranger in a strange land, New experiences, Feeling uncertain, Transition zone)

This beautiful faery seems somewhat fearful, as she moves into a time and place that feels exposed and perhaps strange and unsafe to her. there may be her animal companions - the small rabbits - thelling her that all is well, and to keep going this way, but those of you who draw this card may find that of small comfort. For when this card is drawn, you will be in a time of transition. You will be moving between worlds - from one realm to another - and in that change you take yourself far beyond your natural comfort zone. And so it is natural to feel fearful, and to keep looking around, senses alert, wondering where danger coud next strike from.

But if we look closer, we see that while she is not fully at home, and far from confident, the forest is flowering and the reward for having gone through this time of trepidation and nervousness will be great. So she will keep going, through this exposed time when she feels awkward, vulnerable, conspicuous and uncertain, and into a time and place when she feels certain again.

An as she walks, something happens to her fears. In their place grow her fallen dreams; her shattered purpose begins to reshape itself. As she faces each guilt, each fear, in their place springs hope and faith, and she understands that her dreams can be recreated. She will walk on, and the world will cease to be fearful, but full of joyous potential.

Divinatory Meanings

It is time for you to move beyond your shelter, to fly a little further from home, to take a chance and go into a place where you have felt uncomfortable. Things will feel strange and uncomfortable for a time, but you will grow and change and become stronger as a result. This faery knows there are places she must walk that are exposed and challenging. She will take graet care as she does so, but walk on she will. There is no turning back. And there will be great rewards and flowering of talents and skills as a result of this courage.

Storykeeper (Tell your story, Legacy, Write your wisdom)

Live your life as if it is the greatest tale ever told! This does not mean to be intentionally dramatic, but it does mean to live imaginitively, boldly, magickally. Many people say they wish to write a book, but what they are saying, the faeries declare, is that they wish to record their life story, their wisdom, their experiences and the lessons they have learned. To have left this place having made a mark that has meaning. So, the Storykeeper is the faery being who comes to you now, showing you how she is writing down all the stories of all the people of the world, and yours too. It may be time to create a story for yourself, a rewriting if you like of the faery tale that is your life, and go beyond the "happy ending" where so many leave off. Find the inherent wisdom beneath the surface of the story. Which faery tale story have you been enacting? Which archetypes are coming up for you, and how can you take the pen into your own hands and create a story which resonates for you? The Storykeeper will write what you speak to her of, so it is time to seek the wisdom in your story, and change the patterns and twists that have repeated themselves and seem hackneyed and contrived. Carve out an original tale for yourself; create it from your dreams and adventures, and know that the Storykeeper will keep the record of your life on this earth alive for delivery to the Akashic record. Nothing you do is too trivial or small to be worthy of notice; all your tales and energies have an impact. Tell your story, but most of all, live your own story. Be original. And keep the Storykeeper supplied with fresh new material for her book of wisdom!

Divinatory Meanings

Time to tell of who you are. Share your story. Recognise that you are a record-keeper - what is it you wish to gift your ancestors with? Think of the generations to come and live your life as you would wish your story to be told. Bring what you dream of into reality on a daily basis. Tell the best story possible to yourself about your life; writing is therapeutic. Be original in your storytelling!

(This card came out as a reversal too, so here are its reversed meanings.)

Reversed Meanings

Refusing to believe you can edit your experience and recreate the tale you are telling others; not understanding that the tale of your life is in your own hands; not recording the significant moments of your life; having intentions to write - not only to write for yourself but to communicate with others and leave a legacy, but not taking action. Feeling insignificant and wondering who you are to dare to contemplate writing and recording your story. Putting off quiet times for introspection; telling yourself you are no good at writing or storytelling. Wanting others to know who you are, but refusing to tell them about the great and secret moments of your life, not listening to others' stories, and feeling you do not know them. Feeling that you are not in touch with the wisdom-keepers, that ancient and deep knowledge is not for you. Underestimating the power of storytelling, of myth, fable and legend as the repositories of soul-truths.


Now I am going to save all of this for future reference It's strange, three of the cards that came up just now I drew for myself not long ago. Light the Darkness (reversed), Beauty and the Beast, and Storykeeper (also reversed). It just goes to show the strong connection we all have, and how our lives have intertwined. Vyvi is a good, kind and reliable faery, so I'm sure all of meanings of the Future cards will make perfect sense in due time.

I feel really lonely at the moment. I felt the same way yesterday, and like I wasn't completely there in my head. My mind felt sort of separate from me, I couldn't quite get a hold of my thoughts or memory. Stringing together a sentence has been difficult a couple of times. And I've just been wanting to cry on and off.

I don't really know who to turn to, because when I cry to anyone I love I just feel like I'm inconveniencing them and causing them unnecessary worry. I feel like I have to be the brave and "grown-up" one in my house, but that's just impossible for me to do all the time. I was fine while I was with my boyfriend today, but when I got back home it all started to creep up on me again. I wish I could be with him all the time. I always seem to be ok when he's there. Even crying doesn't feel so bad with him, because at least I feel completely understood and loved...I'm not saying I don't feel loved by my family, but those are two different types of love. He grounds me. He keeps me from being swept away by every little drama. I need him, and I don't like that about myself, because I know that if I have to let go of him one day, it'll break me completely, and I'm so scared of that possibility.

I sort of feel scared of everything right now. I don't like feeling like this for longer than a day, that scares me. I'm not much good to anyone in the state I'm in. If I break down in front of anyone, it's going to make me feel like crap, and I won't make them feel any better than that. I hope I feel better in the morning.

*sends u love and hugs*

Yeah,I feel like that myself.I get to feel lonely and stuff.

hope you feel better.

Aww, you miss him :3 I know how that feels. All I can really say, is that you'll get better after a while. If you feel like crying, please do so! You might feel better after letting it out. At least I do. It's only human to feel. You don't have to be brave all the time, you're not a wall of rock :)
It's a good sign that you can cry and let your emotion show in front of your boyfriend... That means you feel natural with him. You love him, and you're meant to be together ^^ I thought: why not do this in front of your family as well? It IS your family after all, not some... business people, that if you cry in front of them, you'll lose your job :D Now, this is just me spewing out ideas, I have no idea what kind of relationship you have with your family. I can cry in front of my family if I feel like it, and they'd probably try to make me feel better. At least my mom would. In fact, she'd cry with me.
Though nowadays I'm the kind of person who doesn't give a shit what other people think of me, so I could cry at the mall if I wanted to!
Try doing something nice, or do some work :)
Maybe think about a time in future, when you'll be together? Please, don't be afraid of loving someone. Of course you're going to have to let go some day. Of everyone. It'd be good if you can accept that fact of life, and then put it aside, because it is not the time to worry about such things. So, wouldn't you rather spend all the time you can with everyone you love, rather than living in fear and pushing people away?
Just calm down and do what you can do. Don't be such a worrywart (I've always wanted to use that word!) :3 *hugs*

Hehehe...worrywart xD That made me smile all on its own, I really like that word too. I have always been a worrier, I think it's just part of my caring nature. It's like it's what my love turns into when I hit a low.

I feel a bit silly sometimes, missing my boyfriend so much still, even though we've been together for over two years. I thought I'd grow out of it xD But I suppose it is natural, and I've never been told that it's stupid, so I'm not sure why I think that. I know I should just let myself be the way I am with him, and not worry about the future, and I try.

I do love my family a lot, and I have a particularly strong bond wth my mum. I could tell her anything. She's a really good friend to me. But I don't usually feel like I can cry in front of her because of a few things. My little sister suffers from bouts of depression, so mum already gets emotionally stressed because of her mood swings, and the fact that she's almost 18 and isn't living the fun life she could be. She has quite a stressful job too, and she's often really tired when she comes home from work, because she starts early in the morning and usually doesn't have a proper break during the day. She's a nurse, so then of course she has some patients who are disrespectful to her and complain about every possible thing. So when she comes home, she's used up her quota of sympathy and patience most of the time. She said that herself once when I got upset after she'd been at work.

So because my sister has the fact that she's depressed to explain why she gets down and upset, I don't normally feel like I have a genuine enough reason to feel that way myself. I often get upset because of her, she tends to take her frustrations out on me (at least it seems this way) by trying to wind me up. She's said hurtful things to me, and does the whole "you don't understand" routine whenever I try to help her, and gets angry at me for that, so I can never win with her. She orders me to do things around the house too, and she's really condescending about it, even though I tend to do more around the house than her. She's never told "No, you go and do that," I'm always the one who concedes, so I don't feel I have any authority as her older sister. I know it's not really about authority with family, but I do feel like there should be some sort of respect there, you know? She's happy one moment, and pissed off the next, so you're never really sure where you stand with her. Throughout all that, if I get angry at her even once, I'm made to feel like I'm in the wrong. She is sweet and funny when she's happy, and I love her to bits, I just wish she was like that more, and wouldn't hurt me so much because I'm the "weakest" member of the household and she feels she can get away with it.

As for my dad...he needs to be in a certain mood to be sympathetic. When he feels upset he projects it by getting angry. That's just who he is, he doesn't mean to hurt anyone, but still, that isn't what you need when you're feeling fragile as it is.

I feel like the glue that holds the four of us together. I'm Mum's assurance that it isn't her fault my sister has turned out the way she has. I love my sister unconditionally, no matter what she does or says. She, my dad and my sister have solid reasons to get stressed out and upset, whereas I tend to be upset just because I'm feeling low, or because my sister's grinding on my nerves, or because I feel like I'm being treated unfairly, and you can imagine how juvenile those things sound as reasons. I feel like I'm leaned on and pulled on to the point of shattering, and when that happens I feel I'm expected to just pull myself together. When I do cry, I hide it, then pretend that I'm ok the next time I'm in a room with people. That's why it's such a release to cry to my boyfriend, because I don't need to pretend, and he'll always comfort me until it's out of my system and I can start to feel better again. That's all I need. At least I will be helped and take on board what people say to advise me, unlike my sister.

I wish I could say all this to my parents and make them understand. Thinking that I'll never really be able to do that is just making me feel sad about the whole thing again. And once again there'll be nobody I can cry to, because Mum will get back from work and be unable to sympathise. I feel so trapped and alone.

Thankyou, Forace and Krissy, for being concerned and sending me your love though. At least I know I have all the MoonChildren for support <3

no problem.I'm so sorry.That's sounds really hard. My mother is kind of stresses cause of problems.& when she gets into a bad mood it makes me crazy. & I often think i can't cry in front of my mother cause she makes me feel it's wrong.So i kind of keep shit inside.I understand your feelings. Depression is hard thing to deal with.my mom takes stuff out on me too...

hope things get better

My sister says everything happens for a reason. You seem to be showing signs that are good... like the seeing aura's and Fae.

I'm sorry for everything sad that is happening in your life, and I really hope you get through them. I too sometimes have terrible days when its just... you know.

I have empathy for you. It is hard for me to really talk to my mom, because I'm scared that she wont like what I have to say. And she tries to show sympathy, but it just feels like she is humoring me instead. I hope you have better luck in the future than I do.

Thankyou, both of you. I'll definitely get past this, I always do. I feel a lot better right now, hopefully it stays that way.

I'm sure everything we experience is for a good reason, and sadness makes us stronger. None of us are given anything we couldn't deal with, and any struggle is a sign of a brave soul. That applies to everyone.

YW.Glad you feel better.Yeah i guess in the end we gotta stay postive.

The ultimate test whether you can be natural in front of someone... is whether you can fart in their presence xD It's true! Even though I made it up myself *is so proud right now* It took me a year or two before I could do it in front of my fiancé. I even asked him once: "I wonder when we'll start farting in front of one another". He was the first one to "break the ice", of course xD
And it took me about two years before I stopped feeling all panicky when he left me alone. It might take longer for you, because I get the feeling you're more sensitive than me. Also, living together made it easier, because then you get to know someone inside out, and you know they will always come back home.

I think that depression comes partly from confusion... About who you are and how everything works. Your sister will (hopefully) become less erratic with her words and actions as she gets older, and begins to realize. And finds where she belongs.
And people are good at sensing the "weak" individuals. The ones who are always nice and don't say bad words about anyone. Sadly, those kind of people are good targets for bullying and bossing around.

So I understand your point of view :< There's really not much you can do, other than helping your mom the best you can. And helping your sister. She may say something hurtful, but I believe she's really happy to have you there. Maybe she just doesn't know how to receive help, or how to thank you.

One good exercise I know, is that you write a letter where you tell someone about your feelings, what's bothering you and how you wish things would be. That person will never have to see the letter, unless you want them to read it. Usually writing is easier than saying it out loud. If you don't want anyone to read it... I don't know, either store it somewhere hidden, or destroy it. I've written two letters to my fiancé about something that bothered me; the first one he didn't read even though I tried to give it to him, so I tore it to pieces. I did feel better after writing it down, and I felt even better the next day. The second one he read, we talked and he made me feel better :)
Or, write a positive letter, to your mom for example, where you let her know how much you appreciate and love her. And let her read it :)

Other than that, you'll just have to stay strong, and focus on the important things, and on the future. Things won't stay the same forever :)

Thankyou Forace, for everything you've said and for understanding. I think I'll try out your letter writing idea the next time things get a bit too much.

I saw my old singing teacher today, for the first time since December. We couldn't talk for long though, because she was teaching someone at the time. I've really missed her, and I miss the lessons I used to have with her. She's such an amazing teacher. She's always believed in my abilities and my voice, even though I was in a choir with so many other beautiful and talented female singers, and I was hardly the best, the most outgoing or the most organised.

She was as happy to see me as I was to see her, and she complimented me on how wonderful I looked. I was wearing absolutely no makeup, an oversized top and jeans, and she looks glamorous constantly, and she still said that... She makes me feel so special, and she always has done since I was nine years old and I auditioned for Cantamus. She's been one of the people to greatly influence who I am now. She's been a friend to me, as well as a mentor.

Well, I may not be the most popular of people, but at least when that's the case it's easier to know the people who will accept you no matter what. While some of the other staff in the choir were getting at me for having a ditzy moment and doing something wrong, she told me that she was just the same when she was in the choir, and it was nothing to worry so much about, but to try and improve on. And I did, because of her guidance. She didn't just teach me how to be the best singer I could be, she taught me how to become a woman. I could cry with happiness just remembering that. I'm so thankful for everything she taught me.

Hope that tip works for you.

I totally love to read your writings. I think you're very good at it.

Aw, thankyou! I'm really passionate about my writing, so I always love to know that people enjoy it.

I'm back! Sorry I haven't been here for the past couple of days, I've only just got my internet set up at halls. I've missed you all, even though it hasn't been that long.

I'm feeling so at home here in my new flat, this is definitely kicking last year's ass already! I went out for a street party on Sunday night, with two of my flatmates who are starting their first year, and a second year from the flat below us, and made friends with them during the night I'm in an all-girl flat, with a couple of people I know from last year and three first years, so this should be fun!

The final member of our flat has literally just got here. She seems so lovely, and from the little placards she's put on her door, I'm thinking possible MoonChild material? One of the girls from my flat I went out with on Sunday is a lover of the unusual in music, so that seems promising too! I am going to bring Kerli to this flat ^^

This is so freaking exciting!! We're going to have some drinks in our kitchen soon, with some people from another flat. I'm going to love this week, may as well before I have to knuckle down and start doing some work xD This year is going to rock!

Hope you have a good year.

Urgh, I'm such an overly jealous person that I annoy myself >< I just watched a programme where an actress called Amber Heard was a guest, and she is so stunningly beautiful and such man-candy it's sickening. She's bisexual (which I know some guys find insanely attractive in women for some reason), she loves guns and muscle cars and she's apparently somewhat intelligent. She mentioned reading a George Orwell novel in her Catholic school, where those kinds of books were forbidden. Why can't I be like her?

Will I ever get over this desire to be perfect? I mean, I know there's no such thing, but I'm always wanting to be what I'm not, and everything I don't have, and probably never will. I'm so insecure, even when I want so much not to be. That's another thing I want that I'll probably never have; I just want to be rid of all my insecurities, but I'm often worried or insecure about something or other. Whenever I see someone who embodies what I'd love to be, I get this urge to strangle them, and I feel so evil and hateful, but I just can't help it.

I hope that, one day, some amazing thing will happen that will make me feel completely comfortable just being who I am. I don't know what it could be, but whatever it is, I'm open to it. I find that when I'm around my boyfriend, I'm completely happy...maybe that's why I want so much to move in with him, and be engaged then married to him. Every time I see that someone's got engaged to their boyfriend, I feel hate towards them too. Perhaps I'm just waiting for proof that I'm desirable enough to someone for them to want to be with me for life...actually, I think that's pretty much it.

It's a shame that constant romantic love is something that humans can't depend on. I'm doing all I can to give love though, and I have so much to give, so I will live in hope.

And now I feel pathetic for ranting over something so insignificant. *sigh* Sorry to whoever reads this <3

I'm pretty sure it'll pass as you get older. Feeling insecure, I mean. Or, at least it won't be so dominant. I was SO insecure when I was in my teens, I never went anywhere and I didn't talk to people, because I was so sure everyone just hated me xD I still get those feelings/thoughts, but they pass pretty quickly. So quick in fact, I just have a good cry and then I'll be OK again :D Like yesterday, it was pretty bad for a while, I even considered something horrible :O But, a good cry and a nap fixed that.

And jealousy, that's normal! I only get jealous if my fiancé (don't hate me! xD) says he finds some girl pretty. Then I want to completely destroy that girl xD Of course, I can't do that (I could, but that would mean jail time, hehe...), so I just get angry at him for saying something that hurts me :/ Or, if I'm feeling super confident, I shrug it off and tell him that I'm prettier! Look at me! :D

True, no one's perfect. Every person is different, and that's just wonderful. Once you can accept that you are you, and this is how you look like, these are your talents, you'll be OK. You want to be like someone else? Maybe you can work on yourself to become a bit more like that person, or to acquire something similar to what this person has. Be the best version of yourself and all that, you know :P

Confidence is just something you have to build over time.

Btw, I'd choose you over Amber Heard anytime ^^

Awh, bless you! I'm glad you're alright now. I'm always here if you need to talk, I figure I owe you for all the times you've given me your support and advice. You're like my ToL mum ^^ (Not to make you feel old or anything ) You do have a few more years of life experience, but I could try.

Hehe, I wouldn't hate you for being engaged! It's people who are around the same age as me who are engaged that annoy me. In fact, it's not really that I hate the person either, I just hate the fact that they're engaged and I'm not, and I feel this wave of jealousy. It's a horrible feeling, and it really is uncontrollable. It hits me before I can even think to calm myself. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend, because I project it at him quite a lot. The last thing I want is for him to feel pressured into something he isn't ready for, but he's the one I go to if I need to feel totally loved and accepted, so those things contradict each other. I do try and rein it in when I'm around him.

I've got to give him credit, all the other girls and guys he says he really fancies are celebrities. He's admitted he'd fuck David Tennant, and yet he denies that he's bi, which he quite obviously is... Of course, if he meets any of them, I'm hoping he'd control himself because of his love for me. I feel sad when he goes all doe-eyed and sighs over, say, Evanna Lynch, but he's been doing that less since he's known it upsets me. There's only been one time that I've caught him checking another girl out. I told him "Eyes off!" and he claimed to have been looking at the dress she was wearing. Not much difference really, the dress was so tight-fitting and skimpy. He did say later that he thought I was prettier anyway

I might (fingers and toes crossed and touch wood) be moving in with my boyfriend next year! He's said he'll think about it. I'm not putting too much thought into it though, because he might still change his mind. If his younger brother goes to the same uni and wants to live with him, which he most likely will, I don't think I'll stand much of a chance for the next goodness-knows-how-long. I just hope it wasn't the fact that I got upset over him possibly asking his bro to move in that made him say that, just to make me feel better. I don't think he'd do that though. Don't get me wrong, I really like his brother, but they've had all of their lives excluding the past year to live together. I think it's my turn xD

It's mostly my looks and figure that I sometimes think are under par, and those I'm not willing to change, so I'm stuck with them xD I'm hoping my insecurity is something I'll grow out of too. I don't like the fact that I'm shy either, but being at uni for a year has already changed that for the better, so hopefully more life experience will help even more.

You'd honestly prefer me? Aww, thankyou!

Thank you, I'll remember your offer if I ever have the need to talk to someone ^^ Hehe, ToL mum xD I don't feel old, I can be a young, awesome mum :D

The wave of jealousy usually hits suddenly. I think I've never felt a slowly-building feeling of jealousy :D You feel this "lump" on your chest, breathing is difficult or faster, you get hot in the face, probably even shake a little... It's very difficult not to lash out at people! But all you can do is try. Maybe try not moving and not speaking, turn away for a minute and take a pause before continuing. And try not to squeeze your hands into fists, if you're prone to hitting people xD Keep your hands open. Or fold them into your armpits :DD

Heh, my fiancé usually likes celebrities as well. Though there is a girl or two who he sees at the bar he thinks are pretty... And one of these girls is clearly trying something, because she always bumps into him with her hips O_o One time she did it at some stairs, and he almost fell over! Even though this girl is pretty in his opinion, her actions (and reputation!) make him want to get away from her xD He told me he wants nothing to do with her, and that she's a crazy person *happyface*
And most of the time he's all doe-eyed when he's looking at me ^^ In fact, pretty much all the time. He "notices" me each time he looks at me :D And so do I.

If your boyfriend does that less after you mentioned him how it upsets you, he must really care about you! Evanna Lynch is a funny-looking person, btw xD

And you have to remember this... Guys are not the only ones going doe-eyed and sighing over celebrities. I may have seen you sighing over certain musician here... xD

I also think it's your turn to live with him! What if his brother finds a girlfriend? I'm sure he'd like to have a place of his own as well ;D

And yes, you are far prettier than Amber in my opinion! Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder :) And of course I think I'm prettier than her as well! Confidence FTW :DD

I'm not one to lash out at people, so that's not a problem. I'm not an angry person at all. I've only ever been furious and wanted to hit someone once, and that was when some idiot was being cruel to my sister. I've yelled at a group of people in frustration, again only once, and they were so shocked because I was the "quiet" and "inoffensive" one. It seems that when I do get really mad, people are bound to know about it, and I scare them because they aren't expecting it xD It's good to have that in my arsenal for when I need it.

I can still see in my boyfriend's eyes that he's in love with me, and he's always telling me so. I feel the same, and I make sure he knows it. There was a point a little while back where I started to miss the feeling of falling for someone, but I got over it quite quickly. I have such wonderful memories of falling in love with my boyfriend, and I wouldn't leave him for someone else. There have been times that were just like scenes from a romance movie ^^ It's so sweet how deeply in love you and your fiancé are, I hope you're both this happy forever!

Hehe, Evanna Lynch seems to be one of those enigmas, where you can tell why some people find them pretty, but you can't put your finger on it. My boyfriend likes her voice too, I think that contributes to his attraction to her quite a bit xD He liked Luna Lovegood because of her weirdness, and because of the way she spoke in the Harry Potter movies, and I think that most likely translated over to him liking Evanna as herself. I realise that if a guy will tone down his obsession with someone else for you, then it's a big deal.

Oh yeah, Alice Cooper... *daydreams* Haha, but seriously, I understand that nobody needs to apologise for liking someone other than the one they're with, as long as they're considerate about it and don't rave about them. I tone down my Alice obsession around my boyfriend too.

I'm glad you agree that it's my turn, I was starting to wonder whether I was being selfish xD

Aww, thanks ^^ It's true, one type of beauty is not for everyone. And hooray for confidence!

hi honey,

how you found my blog with poems pn tumblr?

*on

I actually can't remember...through twitter somehow I think. You don't mind do you? If you do, I'll unfollow, it's not a problem

ah, not,,,it was nice that you follow me
i wanted you also... but this is weird.. because i can't follow u by kerliland
thanks...
yeah, twitter,,, i didn;t know that someone read my twitter lol

Haha, of course people read your twitter! I like to know how you're doing ^^

Um, slight problem. I'd appreciate some other opinions on this...

I don't know whether to get my friend a birthday present. Well, "friend" is sort of question-marked at the moment, I don't know if I've quite forgiven him completely, hence the problem :/ (In case you're confused, this is the guy I kissed, which brought on my boyfriend's fallout with me.) His birthday is this Wednesday, and he's having a party on Saturday that I think I'm still invited to. Apparently he's just awkward with me, and doesn't hate me or anything...he hasn't really spoken to me since I told him that my boyfriend knew the truth about what had been happening. I sort of think I should, something small as a peace offering, but Mum's said that she wouldn't get him anything in my position.

I'm kind of stuck between wanting to make up with him and still holding a bit of a grudge, especially because he got off lighter with his girlfriend than I did with my boyfriend, even though it was obviously going on for the same amount of time on his side, and he instigated the whole thing that happened between us. Now his girlfriend, who is also my friend, is all lovey-dovey with him but still off with me. I've apologised to her, there's not really anything more that I can say, I don't think. I definitely came off worse in this situation than him, and there's a part of me that dislikes him for it and feels angry. But I don't want to feel like that, because I'm just as much in the wrong for what happened, and he is a good friend, as much as he might get on my nerves occasionally.

So...help? What should I do? And is there anything any of you can think of that I might be able to do to show how sorry I truly am to my girl friend? I want to make it up to her somehow, and it makes me feel terrible that I don't think there's any way to do that.

oh god, I don't know how "open" you are there with such things, but here there's a pride matter., I WOULDN'T GO TO HIS PARTY AT ALL..

Hmm I kinda think it might seem a bit immature to NOT go, though. It's almost as if that might show that you're avoiding him. I think that if you go, it shows that you're not gonna let what happened get in the way of your friendship. Kind of like "being the bigger person". However, mile86 (sorry I don't know your name ) still has a point.

Oh, and I'm shit at getting people gifts so I have no freaking clue

I just think that your boyfriend and his girlfriend would be a bit angry...I don't know, honestly. I wouldn't go..But some day you gonna have to talk to your friend, his girlfriend i mean, because you need to explain your side..Good luck!

(my name is Lena btw thank you very much! hahah )

Hard to say because I don't know these people or how good friends they are to you. If he is a good friend, then you can go to the party. I'd probably act like nothing has happened and just continue being friends. And don't get drunk xD
You're just gonna have to forgive him and forget it, there's nothing you can do to make him feel worse, because that's the kind of person he is :/ You're only making yourself feel worse.

As for the gift... At first I thought that maybe get him something small to wear, like a wristband or something... But then I thought about his girlfriend. If my boyfriend had kissed someone, I'd be furious of course, and I wouldn't want that girl to give him anything xD But that's just me, I won't even guess if she's that angry with you or not. I wouldn't want to be reminded of the whole deal with some gift the other girl gave to my boyfriend. So, maybe give him something that will disappear. Like something edible or ugly temporary tattoos xD
Or something he and his girlfriend could both enjoy...?

Lena, I've considered not going to his party at all, just because I don't know if I'm welcome. But then, of course, like Caroline said, would that just seem like I'm trying to avoid the situation completely? I'm not really sure where I stand at the moment at all. My boyfriend has been a sweetheart about the whole thing, I thought I might have been in for a lot worse on his part. The other girlfriend is sort of talking to me and not being angry towards me, but I can tell there is an awkwardness of some kind there. I don't know if it's an "I don't really want to be around this person" awkwardness or an "I want to work things out but I don't know how" awkwardness. Maybe a mixture of the two. I want to talk to her, but it's knowing what to say, where to start. I don't know whether to try and initiate the conversation or just let things happen as and when either. I don't want her to feel pushed into making friends with me if she doesn't want to yet.

Silja, as far as friendships go, the two of them have been really kind to me, which is a lot more than I've got from many people in the past. I don't want to drift away from them if I can avoid it. I'm not sure of the extent of their feelings for me. But now he's just sort of closed off around me, and I don't know where to start with him either. I'm sure he feels guilty, I'm getting those vibes from him. But I don't know if I can show him any genuine forgiveness yet. I don't intend to make him feel worse, but I want to try and patch things up with him when I'm ready, not before. It feels to me like getting him a gift would be pre-empting my forgiveness.

I think that, to be on the safe side, I won't get him anything. Because, like you said Silja, I don't want to risk upsetting his girlfriend either. I have a bit more time to think about the party, so I'm not as worried about that. I think I'll talk to my boyfriend about it, because he's more familiar with the situation we're all in. I think I'll end up not going to that as well though. How can you go to a party and be completely distanced from the host the whole night? Maybe if I can talk to him sometime next week, I'll be in a better position to go, but otherwise I think it would feel wrong to me.

All of this is happening at the wrong time. I mean, I know there's never really a good time for this sort of thing, but this whole upcoming birthday situation has made it all more complicated. I feel like I'm trying to do the best for every person involved on my own, and to do that I have to sacrifice my own happiness. I know I asked for it, but on the spur of the moment, you don't think of all that could happen or might go wrong. You're always hit with it in one great lump, and always for being honest. Honesty causes more hurt than it's worth

Everything's getting better. I'm steadily getting back to normal with my friends, and I'm not awkward around them any more. Last night, I got a little scared about what might have happened if things hadn't worked out, but my boyfriend was there, so I talked to him for a while and felt better. He has a new name for me, LFF; Little Faery Freak. "Most people have BFFs, I have an LFF."

At Theatre Society yesterday, I improvised a scene for Cinderella, our Christmas pantomime. It turned out better than I'd expected. I'm definitely a lot more confident in the society this year ^^ Also in the pipeline are plans to do a charity calendar, where we and volunteers from 11 other societies will be naked except for underwear and props in the photos. Each society is putting forward a theme. Ours is going to be the Romeo and Juliet ball scene <3 I'm proud of myself for volunteering. It's something I've never thought of doing, and when it was first mentioned I didn't want to take part, but then I thought about it, and figured this is an opportunity to be brave and come out of my shell that I'll most likely never get again, and now I'm really excited about it! Hey, why the hell not, right? xD

My boyfriend has gone to Nottingham on a lads' night out to celebrate the 21st birthday of the guy I'd been having problems with until a couple of days ago. Those two have made up I was insecure about it before, thinking about the reputation lads' nights have, but now I'm fine with it. I'll be going to the massive birthday night out tomorrow after all, and I'm looking forward to it

why is everybody doing a pantomine of Cinderella for christmas??

our uni is doing it as well and im filming it cuz im part of the film society (i cant believe how nerdy this sounds LOL)

Haha, you don't sound nerdy I'm sure it'll be awesome and that you'll do a great job

Rehearsals for our Cinderella are hilarious, I'm enjoying being in the society even more now I'm totally settled in. I'm sure the members who were around last year have noticed the difference too. I'm loving our newbies, most of them have thrown themselves straight into it, and I admire them for that. One new guy will be in drag for his first performance, he's being the stepmother xD The way things are going, I think we should at least be in the running for the Society of the Year award again this time around

Well, I've had a productive and fun few days I handed in this year's first assignment for uni on Friday, and I'm happy with how that turned out. Then the next day I headed home so I could get ready to go to Manchester and see Alice Cooper on Sunday! And wow, what a show he puts on. I wish I could have had a standing ticket, but with my mum having fibromyalgia, she can't stay standing for too long without it being painful for her. The people with seats were mostly really boring. My mum and I stood up as soon as Alice came on, but we got complaints and had to sit down because other people couldn't see :/ I don't know why the rest of them couldn't have stopped being dull little shits and stood up as well. Loads of them were deadpan and sat completely still throughout the concert. I don't know how you can watch Alice Cooper and do that, but oh well. The fact that a lot of those people most likely started liking Alice when they were my age or younger and have now turned into their parents is not my concern At least it got me three moments of eye contact from Alice and a nod of approval from Tommy Henriksen, one of his guitarists (who is also pretty sexy), because I was going crazy amidst them all. Seriously, the fact that I was noticed by Alice was enough to make my entire October. Confessed complete and utter fangirl of his here xD Anyway, my boyfriend is going to go with me next time he tours in the UK, so I can have a standing ticket and wait outside for ages so we can be at the front and centre, haha!

Cinderella is coming together nicely, we've got a great team of people going in Theatre this year. I'm loving the songs and dances we're getting to do, tonight we practiced Get the Party Started and watched the stepsisters' hilarious rendition of Don't Cha x'D I can also now do a waltz! I consider myself not very good at dancing, but I pick things up very quickly and other people say I'm a great dancer...I was picked out as one of the examples for how to do the waltz in Theatre. Maybe I am good at dancing after all, and just need to get more comfortable with it. I'm going to put myself out there more with it from now on.

And OMG! I just checked Emilie Autumn's website and discovered she's coming to Nottingham in March! I'll finally get to see her live soon! Ohmygods... *dies a blissful death*

Oh, I also bought myself a new dress while I was in Manchester ^^ I was saying how sick I was of seeing the same old thing in every high street shop, then I found this beauty in a gorgeous little boutique:



The colourssss <3 It shows off my tattoo as well. I can't wait to wear it on a night out

I'm so happy, I've just had my last session with Theatre Society for this year, and we all got our Secret Santa gifts. I got a gorgeous handmade windchime <3 I'm so impressed with my Secret Santa, my present was totally unexpected. I sort of wish I knew who mine was now.

I hung out with a few friends from the society afterwards, and I definitely feel like part of the group now. It's taken me an entire year to settle in with everyone properly, but it's worth the time it took. It's good to be recognised for my talents too. I nearly sobbed when one of the girls said she thought I deserved a bigger role in Cinderella, because of what the society knows I'm cabable of from past shows. I love all of them. I really do. I've never had so many people in one group accept me for who I am like they have.

It's sad to think that I'm halfway through my second year of uni. I'm at the midway point...it's all going far too quickly. But I am definitely going to make the best of all this while it lasts

I got a plastic yelloow duck for my secret Santa because I always talk about my pet ducks at home.

The dress looks wonderful :] I do hope you post pictures up wearing it.
I'm glad you had fun :]

I've just found out someone's been writing poetry about me...romantic poetry. I'm at an utter loss for what to do. I know how much it hurts to feel that way for someone and not have your feelings returned. I know I shouldn't say anything, but the healer in me wants to do something to comfort him.

I don't want anyone to hurt over me...but I know saying anything to him will most likely just cause him more pain, especially because I don't feel the way he does. Gods, what do I do? :/

Music is a boundless source of inspiration <3

I don't know what I'd do without poetry writing sometimes. I was listening to Indica on the way home, and it was at that point during the night where the sky fades from dark to light blue as it meets the horizon, and I saw the brightest, most beautiful star. I could have stood there looking at it for ages, but it was painful. I felt homesick for the stars... I got home feeling like crying, but writing proved to be the cure once again, like during so many other times I've felt overwhelmed with emotion. Sometimes, I need to write like people need to cry, just to unload everything. But I don't regret that at all. I find so much wonder in the fact that pain can be made beautiful through art.

Already, this year is giving me a chance to make a change. I think I could make a new friend of the young man who was writing poetry about me, because he seems to have moved on. Unfortunately, he's moved onto someone else he can't have, judging by his recent poems... I hope he can find somebody who will love him in return, because he has so much Love to give. He still thinks about me though, he sends me links to pieces on deviantArt that he feels I would appreciate. I think he'd like to be my friend too.

It's time for me to be brave and take the next step forward, because I want to trust him. In a way, I already do. I feel like we have a lot in common, and he doesn't judge my belief in faeries negatively like many other people would. He finds faeries in art and sends them my way, and it makes me happy. He makes me smile. Now I know him better through his writing, I would like to be closer to him. It's just a shame that we are both introverted personalities, which got in the way of either of us approaching the other. Hopefully I can make up for that now. I don't know why I feel so strongly that we could have a great friendship, but my intuition hasn't let me down yet. I have learned to put my faith in it, so that's what I'm going to do.

hope this is a good year for you.