Re: From Dark To Light & Back Again

by TheLastSongbird Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:35 am

You're not alone, I feel that way too. There have been quite a few times when I've been outside and cried, because the world's so beautiful and I don't want it all to be lost. How many people would treat their mothers like humans treat Earth? And yet Earth is our mother. It is terrifying.

I live in hope that one day there will be this mass realisation that something has to be done by everyone. The few of us that do care can only wait though.

by LightThruDarkness Thu Dec 23, 2010 6:58 pm

i know exactly how you feel, it pisses me off too that no one seems to care about whats happening to the world, theyre too busy wrapped up in there own shit to care, but the thing that saddens me is, ithat when people start to care it will be too late

by Tara Fri Dec 24, 2010 6:08 pm

Good to know other people aren't just turning a blind eye. I wish there was something we could do.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate, everyone!

by Guest Fri Dec 24, 2010 7:02 pm

I feel the same has you do. Very Happy

by Tara Sat Jan 08, 2011 6:15 pm

I haven't written here in a while. I am sooo tired. The holidays have me worn out.
Only 6 more days and the best friend I ever had will be gone. He came over last night and spent the night with me...brought a bunch of food and cooked me a big dinner. We had drinks and we watched movies and cuddled. It was so nice. The time went by really fast and I hated it. The next day I didn't want to let him go when he hugged me goodbye. He tries to make me feel better by saying he'll still be here on the computer and the phone and talk to me every day, it's just that the time between actual visits is longer. I guess he has a point but that really doesn't make me feel much better. I guess it's just the comfort of knowing that he's here just up the street and I can see him any time I need to and that comfort will be gone. It's actually kinda scary.
Just imagine if the only other person that you had, that understood you perfectly, that was just like you and could help you through the worst state of mind you could ever be in, was suddenly gone. I guess I either need to deal with long distance comforting...or get the fuck over it and learn to live without it. But it really isn't easy with this brain and heart.

by Natt Sun Jan 09, 2011 1:51 am

Honey, will be good. You must be strong. I know that now you don't feel good but will be better. I sending you my love, light and strenght :*

by Tara Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:45 pm

Thank you. Those words mean a lot to me right now. He is leaving in about 6 hours give or take. My heart is breaking worse then it's ever done in my life. I can't stop crying. Oh I am so foolish I know.
To make it even better I have to hide it all from him because he is so stressed out, anxious and sad about leaving and I am the one that he looks to for comfort...I don't mind at all. I try so hard to be loving and understanding. It's flattering that he needs me that much. But it's so hard to be strong for someone when inside your actually falling apart.
All I can do now is let him go and hope he comes back one day not too far away, for good...and pray he has a safe journey and that he is happy with his decision.
I apologize that I've been so mopey lately. But it's just how I feel and that's what this is for.

P.s. Love the new layout!

T.J. xo

by Tara Fri Jan 14, 2011 4:45 pm

He's gone. My heart is broken. The worst thing is he's going on a date with some girl that he is vacationing with before he actually moves to his final destination. It boils my blood and makes me so angry. Jealousy is a weird thing. I really don't want to and try not to feel that way. Before he left he told me he was offered a date and asked my opinion...I insisted that he should go and have fun. I really want what is best for him. I want him to be happy. It just hurts because it feels like I missed my chance you know...he just got out of a relationship and it's a long story but because of this break up he has to go away for a while and make some money. So I didn't put any pressure on him. He did so much for me and tried to make me happy. He is a true friend. I have a feeling he just wants, you know, a "fling" with this girl...some fun...it's not like he's going to live in the same province as her. A week there and he's gone to where he is going to live. That still hurts...but like I said...I want him to have fun...be happy. Maybe in a year or so he'll come home and maybe then I'll get a chance.
I do feel loved, needed and appreciated. I'm the one he talks to every day. I'm the only one he goes out of his way for. I'm the only one he let go and cried around.
You know what? No matter what happens, fling, relationship...whatever, I will always love him and always be there for him as usual. I just need to find someone to move on with. Someone else to make me feel special. I can't wait for someone who could be gone for a couple years. Even if he is going to stay with me when he visits home. I can't do it. I just pray someone will come along so I can forget about these feelings. They hurt too much.

P.s. We've had a LOT of snow for a while now. Finally

T.J. xo

by Tara Thu Jan 20, 2011 7:41 pm

Ugh. My mind is so sick right now. So full of anxiety. I hate the beginning part of "moving on". It always feels like the world is ending. I wish I could fast forward to the completion of it. I guess the good way to look at it would be God closing a door and opening a window...and do I ever need a window right now.
Not to sound conceited, this is just a metaphor, but sometimes I feel like a princess locked up in my tower, waiting for someone to come along and rescue me.
I haven't been on here or anywhere else all that much. I need distraction and lots of fun. The fun part is easy to come by. The distraction part not so much.

Get on a move on on that window, k? I need some rescuing. Thanks... <3

TJ xoxo

by Natt Fri Jan 21, 2011 3:13 am

Honey, I know what you feel. You must be strong,ok??? I believe that will be better in your life, only you must fight... you must be a fighter in life and win life. Be strong. I sending you my love <3

by Tara Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:12 am

Thank you

<3 Kind words do a lot more than people think they do. I am a strong person. I have to be with this mind. Moving on...

by Natt Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:44 am

you're welcome , honey I love you

You can do in your life what you want..

by Tara Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:58 am

It's getting much easier now. & I think I may have my distraction. New love may be on the way. I hope it turns into that Smile

. Wish me luck!

by Natt Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:00 pm

Honey, I believe in YOU all time. Good Luck I love you

by Tara Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:40 am

by Natt Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:16 am

Honey this isn't stupid, Your words are so awesome <3
ps song is so beautiful <3

by Tara Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:35 am

by Natt Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:37 am

this must be awesome <3

by Tara Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:39 am

by Natt Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:42 am

Maybe this person is your destiny?

by mimi Thu Jan 27, 2011 1:12 pm

awww

i think its a sign or a message from your angels as well, they're letting u know that you're not alone and a new page is being turned for you.

i know what its like to have a broken heart as i broke up with my boyfriend last saturday. im taking it day by day but it still hurts a lot. today i drew an angel card for myself and it was 'new beginnings'. as they say, what may at first appear to be an ending, is often a new beginning Smile

we're strong Smile

by Tara Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:38 pm

<3 It seems that way. I hope it turns out ok for you as well!

by Tara Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:36 pm

Well...Ashy has resorted back to his old habits. Myself & the previous owners have tried everything possible to help him stop, but no luck. Called every vet, every shelter, had tests done, did research and tried every trick in the book. Unfortunately, it is a behavior pattern that is burned into his brain and he isn't going to stop. So now sometime soon he'll have to be put to sleep. It's horrible I know. A beautiful, gentle, sweet animal being killed over a peeing problem. But that's it. No one can live like that with a cat who pees everywhere...on couchs, beds, blankets, carpet, etc. I can't keep up with all of his accidents. Each spot has to be cleaned with a 5 step process as well. It takes a couple days. Right now I have been without my living room furniture for a week so far. The cleaning is done with it and now it has to dry. I'm also going to have to put plastic over everything until he is gone because although I clean with a 5 step process and it isn't smelly to my nose, he will still smell it and pee there again.
It's so frustrating. I love the little guy so much, with all my heart. It kills me to have to do this to him. But I don't have a choice. I was the one who saved him from being put down the first time. He was fine until now.
I know some people will say well why don't you just drop him at a no kill shelter and don't say anything. The problems with that are, if they discover he has that problem, even if they are a no kill shelter, they will still put him to sleep. No one will adopt a cat who pees everywhere. Number two problem with that is even if he behaves in the shelter and someone adopts him, when he starts peeing around their house anything could happen. They could get mad at him, hurt him, or throw him out onto the street. You never know how cruel people can be.
So I guess this is for the best...it's not like he'll be in pain. He'll just go to sleep. It doesn't make it any easier though...my heart is breaking for him and for me

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 2 Pictur10

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 2 Pictur10

by Natt Tue Feb 08, 2011 3:47 am

I'm so sorry that he'll have to be put to sleep Sad

This is so horrible.
Cats at my home have litter box but one cat use from litter box but often peeing in all place but we cleaning it all time... second cat sometimes... 3 and 4 cat smaller.....I'm sorry but I don't understand you....

by Tara Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:52 am

There are two litter boxes and they are cleaned every day. I can't clean like 6 pee accidents every day. It's too hard to keep up with. I live in a very small apartment so it gets unbearable pretty fast. It's also very expensive to clean each spot properly. Also if anything gets stained I'll be forced to pay for it. The previous owners were in the same position as me. The vets all told me nothing can be done for him and that he is probably suffering with anxiety anyway. Do I ever know what that feels like...I love the little guy so much. I wish there was a way.

by Natt Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:47 am

but this is animal and he has law to life...
when I was a child my grandma has a cat "mrówka" she live 10 years but all time she has diarrhoea and my grandma cleaned all time but cat live...

by Tara Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:01 am

Yes, I see where you are coming from but you have to understand this cat is in pain every day of his life. He is suffering from anxiety and doesn't know what to do so that's why he pees everywhere. I know what it feels like. I have Bipolar, anxiety, depression and ocd and sometimes the anxiety alone is enough to make me want to do something horrible to myself. At least I am a human I can talk to people and have psychiatric help and medication. This guy can't have any of that. All he can do is be in complete hell every day of his life. At that he is getting worse every day. He is suffering and to keep him alive would be torture to him. Believe me...I and others have tried every single thing out there to help him get better but it won't work. It's a very hard decision to make but I won't keep him in pain any more.
Sorry if you can't understand that but it's just how life goes sometimes. It breaks my heart to have to do it. but it must be done.

by Natt Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:11 am

I didn't know that he suffer... I thought that he do it a normal..
My one dog also feels fear when see people and she wants to die and she runs to kennel, always...
I'm sorry but I have my opinion and also I don't see your cat and my base my opinion is your posts... in your life maybe it look differently than here... because here we can writing

by Tara Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:29 am

That's alright. It's easy to get mixed up when we live in two completely different places. Life here is probably very different. But no, he just doesn't pee and that's it. There's something terrible in his mind all the time that makes him do it. I wish with all my heart I could save him, but like I said...he's suffering and his peeing all over my house is making me suffer as well.

by Tara Thu Feb 24, 2011 7:19 pm

Update on Ashy Smile

Well the kitty's ex owner decided to take one more chance (an expensive one which she could really not afford...but she is amazing for doing it) and paid for me to take him to the vet for a last exam. He had a bacterial infection which he has been treated for...and so far he hasn't had any accidents. He seems a lot more calm now, too. His infection may have caused him some anxiety and vice verse. Now to see if he has any accidents in the future, and the vet may determine him to have anxiety and a behavioral problem if he does. He's lucky she decided to do that instead of putting him to sleep. Although I hope he isn't full of anxiety right now all the same. It's a truly horrible feeling.

And as for me...

Moving on from my dear friend has been very difficult. Especially since he seems to have someone special up there where he is. But it's getting easier every day. I'm past the "break down and cry at any thought of him with someone else" stage. Now I'm just building myself up. Doing regular exercise, eating right, getting out and doing relaxing things to make me feel better in body and mind. I can't wait to be back to the old me. I know it sounds a bit shallow...but he's never seen me in as good of shape as I used to be. I can't wait for him to see and blow his mind. Kick himself for letting me get away Razz

I love you babe, but eat you're heart out! <3
I need to find...well I shouldn't say I NEED to find...but it would be nice to find a special person to move on with, you know. I'm sure they will find me all in good time, when I'm really ready. When I can fully love myself, inside and out.
Water aerobics classes start next week! Twice a week. The rest of the week I am filling with yoga, air peddles, and jumping rope...believe it or not...it's a good cardio work out. Yoga helps a little with the fitness aspect but I mostly do it for my mind and soul, I guess you could say.
I just realized I haven't made any jewelry in a while. Truth is...I have two pieces started but haven't gotten around to finishing them yet. I'll have to do that soon. BUT school work has to come first Smile

Another part of my life that needs to be upgraded.
Anyway...that's all for tonight Smile

I'll be trying to post more often. I've just been so busy.

Love & kisses,
Tara <3

by out of the hollow Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:37 am

It's so good that you're taking care of yourself right now Smile

Keep it up!

KJ wrote:I'm sure they will find me all in good time, when I'm really ready. When I can fully love myself, inside and out.

Yup, that's when things seem to fall in place the most.

by Tara Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:59 pm

Oh I will. It's really amazing what a difference just keeping busy and exercising regularly can make. I've lost 3 sizes in the past couple months. Getting back into my old shape again...I love it!
Don't get me wrong though...my goal is NOT to end up skinny as fuck with my bones sticking out everywhere...I don't find that attractive whatsoever. No offense to you really tiny people out there. Your made the way your made. But I just mean, my goal is to be a healthy weight for my size and to feel good about myself.

There are sooo many blogs on here. Sometimes I write and I think...I really should sit down one day and just read a shitload of them instead of just blabbing on my own all the time. Make some comments and try to put a smile on someone's face like so many of you do on mine.

Hope you all have an awesome weekend <3

Love, TJ

by mimi Sat Feb 26, 2011 3:30 am

ive been working out a lot as well and its amazing how much better i feel about myself! im doing it for noone else but me!

by Tara Sat Feb 26, 2011 4:55 pm

Good. Keep it up! It helps in so many ways.

by Tara Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:29 pm

I've realized today that I am very different from most people. Not that I haven't thought about it before, I always felt different and felt like I didn't fit like everyone else seemed to. From the time I was a very small child and still now. It's just that now for certain I know I am a different breed from everyone else around me. They seem so oblivious to things that I constantly am thinking about. I don't intentionally think about these things, it just sort of happens. For example; When a friend of mine has a baby...everyone is overjoyed, happy excited...you know. So they should be. I am as well of course. But what goes along with that is the thought that the person born will die at some point anyway, so what is the point? It's parents will die, I will die. I try to push it out and be happy and it works eventually. But it's very difficult.
Let's say they come out with some new exciting technology, some new phone or car or something. Everyone wants to try it out. Everyone wants one. I just think...pollution.
I see new housing developments. Everyone else is dying to make enough money to buy one. All I can think about is the forest that was once there and that maybe soon I'll have to travel a lot farther to take a walk in the woods. Maybe soon there won't be any woods.
I do my school work...and I feel terrible for using the paper.
I eat dinner and I think I am so lucky to have this. A lot of people don't. It's horrible. All of the money spent on things we don't need that could have fed millions.
I walk on a clear, calm night, snow...sunshine...whatever. I look at the stars, I breath the fresh air. I appreciate everything about that moment with all of my heart. Then people are saying "It's too fucking cold..." "It's too damned hot" "I want to go home and watch tv". Shut the fuck up and appreciate what is around you. I am sure that before my life is over it won't all be here.
I can't go into animal shelters or seniors homes because they break my heart.
I have a friend that I love a lot. She has good in her like everyone. But I just don't understand why she has to be so fake around other people. She tries so hard to get attention...and for some reason copies things I do. It may sound childish but it bothers me. Why can't people just be them? Who gives a shit what anyone thinks about you. It doesn't matter. Don't try to be like others...don't try to be different...don't try to be good...don't try to be bad...just be.
It's just so exhausting. I notice EVERYTHING. I see and hear EVERYTHING and the people around me don't seem to notice or care. I assume it's because of my bipolar. It's like there's always a war between good and evil going on inside my head. Like the good one lifts me up and makes me who I really am, makes me feel special. And the bad one just fills my head with negative thoughts. Reminders of things that I would rather forget.
It's sounds funny to say, but for the life of me I can't possibly understand what it would feel like to be "average" or "normal". What would it feel like to not have to over analyze every little thing...to not have constant racing thoughts...to not be reminded of horrible things from good things about life.
There is so much torment and just things I want to say in my heart, but never would I have enough energy to just say it all and get it all out.
All I can do is keep fighting this little battle in my head. I am getting much stronger, but it's still always there. I just hope that in the end the good side wins.
I hope that this struggle isn't all for nothing and that in the end death isn't just that, death, rot and decay. I hope there's more.

Tara

by Tara Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:48 pm

It strikes a chord with me every time I hear one of Kerli's songs. So many of them is like she took the lyrics right out of my mind. Like she took little pieces of my life and turned them into songs. That's the first thing that struck me about her. I find it so amazing that I relate so exactly and personally to so many of them. Not to mention the fact that she has the same sort of issues going that I do...bipolar for example. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that she said she had that as well. It's almost like I was meant to discover her in a way, to help me cope with things. Well the music and inspiring words do help. Thank you for being you and writing the songs <3 I'd offer my help if I could in any way. I'm sure you connect with other people in the same way without even knowing it.

New jewelry almost done...real soon...promise xo

I think I'll list all of the songs here, just to share
These are the songs that relate to me...insanely...in one way or another. I won't go into why. Let's leave that to the imagination.

Bulletproof
Walking On Air
Butterfly Cry
Death Is In Love With Me
Fragile
Goodbye
Heal
Hurt me
I Want Nothing
Love Is Dead
Scar Tissue
I'll Find You

by Tara Fri Mar 11, 2011 10:19 pm

I haven't spoken to my friend in a couple weeks. I guess he's "with" the girl he's staying with now. Seems like he's forgotten all about me...or hasn't but just doesn't bother. It hurts. We were so close up until now. It also hurts to give someone up to someone else when I believed with all my heart God meant him for me. Never have I felt so sure of anything before. I guess I was wrong. Maybe it's a good thing we haven't talked in a while. Maybe it's the universe's way of helping me fall out of love with him and stop hurting. Out of sight out of mind. Who knows...maybe some day he'll come back to me. But for now...I think I'll just forget those ideas. It's just that he was my best friend as well...and I feel lost without him to talk to. I'm a big girl...gotta be strong and go it alone I guess.
In the mean time, I'm still working on ME. Working out every day, eating right, indulging my talents, spoiling myself, and learning to love myself inside and out.
I'm very excited. In June I am flying to Germany for a month to visit my Mom, Step Father and baby brother. They aren't from Germany, just living there for a couple years for work. So while I'm there they are taking me to England and France as well. It should be wonderful. I love going on trips and seeing the world. I'm lucky to have the opportunity.
HOWEVER, I am terrified. I am flying up all by myself. I am scared enough of planes as it is in the first place...but flying alone...and having to change planes...oh dear. It makes my anxiety go through the roof. I want to cry just thinking about the experience. I just need to keep telling myself everything will be fine and I'll be glad I went.
Anyone else as terrified of planes as I am?
I remember when I went on my Christmas trip to the Dominican Republic I went into the airport bathroom hyperventilating and crying and almost took a cab home because I didn't want to get on the plane. I did go after though, and it was worth it!
Anyone have any suggestions of places I should visit in Germany, England, and France?

by Tara Sun Mar 13, 2011 5:11 pm

I stuck to my word and took the time to read some blogs. Seems like everyone has some hard times going on besides me. For the ones I commented on I hope I helped you out even if it was in a small way.
Whenever you think you have it bad, you always find someone who is going through something worse. It really makes you appreciate what you have.
I hope you all find what your looking for <3
Live, Laugh, Love!

P.s. Wishing my friend that got surgery last week a speedy recovery and my best friend who is having surgery tomorrow to be safe and have a speedy recovery as well xoxo

by Tara Mon Mar 14, 2011 1:34 pm

Both my friends are all done their surgeries and doing fine. Glad it's over. No more worrying. Now they need speedy recoveries.

It's a new day. Time to turn over a new leaf. Letting go of the past and the things I've done that I hurt myself over doing. I can't change them, all I can do is prevent them from happening in the future. Make amends with everyone from the past and move on. Life's too short to dwell, and I have so much millions would die to have.
Here comes the new me <3

by Sunnech Mon Mar 14, 2011 2:01 pm

ahh i hope that your friend be so good..!!

ahh i like the way you think, enjoy everyday, every moment, cause we think that we'll live so much, but the true it's that we dont know it..!
and it's so good, that you want change that so awesome, be better..!!

by Tara Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:46 am

^Thank you. It feels wonderful to transform yourself for the better. It feels like being born again sort of...hard to explain.

I have been thinking. Wondering why so many of us are blind to the things around us. Most of them go through life very easily. They don't worry about all the bad things going on in the world no matter how big or small, because they can't see it. They just accept that it's all right, the way it's supposed to be. They trust the people who run our countries and put all of their faith into them because to them that is all that is there. They only accept what they see with their eyes and chose to ignore everything else.
My thoughts are...maybe the people that are different and the "sick" people, like me, with bipolar and all the things that come with it (Depression, anxiety, ocd, phobias, etc) are just special and extremely sensitive to what we can't see with our eyes. We notice all of the injustice around us and it breaks our hearts. We believe that there is much more to life then what is in front of you from day to day. Maybe, even though we suffer, we were made this way for a reason. Maybe we are supposed to be the voice for the ones who don't see. Make them aware that the world shouldn't be this way, that when we die we aren't really dead. That we are being watched over all the time. Like God uses us as a vessel.
After all, I've read that most people with these illnesses are usually very intelligent and have many talents...and I do have many talents. As for the intelligent part, I'm not about to declare myself a genius, but I know I'm a little above average at least.
It's a beautiful thought and it makes me feel justified for why I am so sick all the time. I just hope that it's true and we suffer for a purpose.
True or not...there's no harm in believing in it. It'll only make us stronger.

by Sunnech Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:26 am

Well, actually I think if many people suffer, and a lot of it is lived without worry, but I feel that this is because in his time suffered but were strong and even if they have problems now are strong and not let themselves be conquered by it ..!

ahh yes, some are ill and are strong cases, but I think sometimes they are more positive than yourself ..!

But we must see life in a very beautiful, everything that surrounds us and opportunities ..!

by Tara Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:52 pm

I think you may have misunderstood a small amount of what I said Smile

When I said "Ill" I was talking about myself and others like me.
Anyway, that was just one of my theories about life.
Always looking for answers...maybe I should stop thinking and let them come to me Wink

by Sunnech Tue Mar 15, 2011 4:03 pm

ahh so sorry..!! well, i understand so much think hahah but well...!!
hahaha ahh really really i'm sorry..!!
well, yeah it's easy think, so easy.. But yeah we nee try to do it..!!

by Tara Wed Mar 16, 2011 3:32 pm

LOL it's ok. Language barriers. I hate them. Smile

by Tara Sun Mar 20, 2011 6:44 pm

Sooooooooooooooooooo.....

I got my first tattoo today I finally got up the nerve and just did it. I was so nervous. I was shaking. I picked a small one for my first. My best friend of so far 6 years and I each got a Celtic sister's knot behind our right ears. It's pink and purple. Love it. I will post a pic as soon as I can. But first let me tell you about it...
So everyone was telling me that behind your ear is a really good spot for your first tattoo because it doesn't really hurt. Me being full of anxiety, wanted to believe them, but I was petrified anyway. So I finally decided I was ready...lay down and when the gun touched me I just breathed a huge sigh of relief. Honest to God it didn't hurt at all. I felt so foolish for being so nervous. I went from shaking to singing along to the music we had playing relaxed as ever. How proud am I of myself! Now I am so fucking proud of my little tattoo! I can't stop looking at it...even though I need a hand mirror and a large mirror to see it properly LOL.
I am SO getting more. I know that it will hurt a bit more in other places...but I think I can handle it. At least now I have an idea of the feeling.
So if any of you are thinking about getting your first tattoo...I HIGHLY recommend behind and below one of your ears. I swear to you it didn't hurt a bit. I could have fallen asleep. Another word of advice...when you get a tattoo...I see so many people just pick them out of books and not think a word about it. Think long and hard about what your going to have on your body for the rest of your life. Make sure it's something that means a lot to you, not something you just pick out of a book. Personally I like to to draw them myself. And please for the love of God don't let just anyone tattoo you! I have told a couple friends now "Omg please don't let that skeevy guy tattoo you...he doesn't know what he's doing and he looks like a dirtbag!" but did they listen? Nope! And they wound up with the ugliest shittiest tattoos I have ever seen. Not to mention the health risk involved.
Not that I'm an expert or anything...just stuff from observation and experience over the years with close friends.
Anyways, that was my exciting day and my advice for this week. LOL.
I hope this new week goes well and brings great things to everyone! <3 XOXO

Below is my very first tattoo...as you can see it's not perfect. He (The guy who did it) needs to give it a once over once it's healed a little better and fill in a small line that faded out...I'm sure you can notice what needs to be touched up. But besides the stuff that needs a touch up I love it. Although I'm not going to trust him with anything elaborate... Studio here I come for my next piece

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 2 19075310

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 2 19075310

by Liisu Tue Mar 22, 2011 12:28 pm

awwww, I can't see the picture!

by Tara Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:03 pm

^No??? Weird...I can see it perfectly. Oh well, it doesn't look the best right now anyway. A friend of mine is going to fix it. He said he'd kick my ass if I let the same guy try to touch it up again. LOL. See if I had known it would turn out like this I wouldn't have let him do it in the first place. But he did some really nice Chinese characters on my friends and they came out perfect so I thought he'd get it perfect the first time. Hens, why I said earlier do NOT let just anyone tattoo you. This guy had good work to show...I dunno how he fucked mine up. Well it'll be fixed by someone good now.

So I've been a smoker for 8 years. Honestly, I love it. I really do. It's such a wonderful feeling to me to inhale and exhale all that smoke and it just relaxes me and so many other things. I know it's horrible for you. I know it'll kill me. But for some reason those reasons never made me want to quit. I have been quit for a few days now...the only reason being I can't afford to smoke anymore. The more time passes the amount of cigarettes I smoke in a day increases and it's getting to the point now that some times I'll sacrifice food or clean laundry for cigarettes. Now that's just a bit ridiculous, isn't it? Eat can soup every day because I would rather smoke then buy decent food. Let my laundry pile up until it'll cost probably 40$ to do it all because I would rather smoke. Sooo pathetic...so I quit.
I need healthier lungs for new exercise routine as well. When I smoke I start and have to stop and my chest starts to pain.
Also....my family has wonderful genes. Lol. That sounds silly but it's true. My mother is 47 years old and she looks like shes about 30. My grandmother is 71 and she looks about 40. No joke. So if I want any chance at looking at that young when I am their ages I can't smoke.
Oh Lord I want a cigarette sooooooooooooooooooooo bad in spit of all of this. It's driving me crazy. :*( I'm used to sitting here writing in my blog and puffing away on one cigarette and then another. Oh how I miss that.
Having a cigarette after eating....ooooohhhh I miss that too! And having a cigarette while I have a few drinks...I think I'll miss that the most. I smoke like 10x more when I'm drinking. Maybe I can possibly just smoke when I drink Like special occasion type thing...but I'll probably be dying for one the next day...ugh it's so hard. I quit once for 4 months...but this time is so much more difficult.
I've tried to replace it with things like making jewelry and exercising. It helps a little...but...meh...
I feel like I could eat a pack of fucking cigarettes right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Natt Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:13 pm

I love your tatoo <3
And I'm worry about you, be careful, please

by Tara Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:47 pm

I'll be ok. Thanks for the concern. Anyone who's ever tried to quit smoking after such a long time knows how crazy it can make you. All I can think about is cigarettes, lol. I'm so silly. But soon it will pass and I won't feel the urge to smoke so bad anymore.

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