Re: From Dark To Light & Back Again

by Natt Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:49 pm

Honey, this is weird but when I see cigarettes I'm sick

by Tara Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:52 pm

Naw, that's not weird. Before I started smoking I used to think they were gross too...but I slowly got into them...it was a social thing at school, you know.

by Natt Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:58 pm

aha, but take care about yourself

by Liisu Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:00 pm

owww. now I can see it Smile

it really fits you very well Very Happy

I love Celtic tattoos!

by Tara Thu Mar 24, 2011 1:53 pm

^I will

^Thanks...I can't wait til it's fixed. <3

by Tara Fri Mar 25, 2011 2:04 pm

Oh God. The tears and the ache have come back again. It hurts so much. He changed his FB status today to his new province he living in and his relationship status. I thought I was done with the crying. I thought I was done loving him but I guess I'm not because right now it feels like I could heave my guts up all over the place. I guess seeing that change just made it be real and hit home. I really don't want to feel this way anymore. He doesn't deserve my love, because I don't think he wants it. He may have once upon a time...but times have changed haven't they. He's just my friend. He's only my friend. My best friend I miss our closeness. But it HAS to go away. So why can't I make it just FUCK OFF! I don't want it. I need someone else to help me forget about him. Someone to make me feel special. So where the fuck are they?

I want like a 1000 cigarettes right now...UGH it's just too much at the one time.

by Natt Sat Mar 26, 2011 4:11 am

crying often help
honey, please, you must be fighter
in the world is someone who will be love you so much
maybe around you is someone now

by Tara Sat Mar 26, 2011 8:24 am

:*( I know...thank you. I feel so selfish...I mean, we've put each other through so much crap over the past few years, but we've had a lot of amazing times too. We BOTH deserve to be happy, I want him to be happy, but it's still so hard to let go. It is selfish to think but it just feels so unfair that the moment he moves away and leaves me here alone he finds someone right away...after just breaking off a 5 year relationship with someone else...he instantly is moved in with some girl up there and going out with her. Meanwhile I haven't had anyone in a while. I am guessing because I wasn't ready the past couple years...I had a lot of growing to do...but now I am ready and I NEED to move on before I fall into that black hole again. He's moved on. He's happy. So now it's my turn. I don't want my heart to be broken anymore. I've been trying so hard...I don't even know if I could be capable of loving another person after him. I don't know why...it's just...I guess he's the only person I have ever TRULY loved and he had to move away and then he was with someone...I hope I'm not stuck with these feelings, I'll die. They need to go away...I need to try and love someone else.
Ok...I'm just letting words fly out now, lol. I'll chill out and stop.

by Natt Sun Mar 27, 2011 10:35 am

You aren't selfish...please don't think about it. You love all time and this is reason why you feel it, I'm sorry but I don't know too much about relationship and I can't help.. I'm so sorry

by Tara Sun Mar 27, 2011 12:00 pm

I know you can't help. I don't expect anyone to. It just feels good to write it down and share it with other people. It hurts to keep things locked away inside, you know? At least he is still being a friend to me...right now making an effort to talk to me and see how everything is. That gives me a little comfort just to know he thinks about me.
There is a guy I like...but I'm not sure if he likes me or if he even wants that kinda thing...time will tell I suppose.

by mimi Sun Mar 27, 2011 3:00 pm

u know.. ive been broken up with my ex boyfriend for a little over a month now.. and its weird.. just lately ive been having so much difficulties of saying 'ex'.. like it automatically comes out as 'he's my boyfriend'.. and yesterday i had a talk with a friend and she said that she's been waiting for me to open up to her abou what im feeling.. i had fooled everybody that i was fine but now the heartache is coming back and today was the hardest.. He came round for a bit and i noticed he had a lovebite on his neck.. i couldnt stop myself and i started crying and of course he kept asking whats wrong and i said nothing, and tried to make up excuses like my eyes are really dry and thats why they're watering etc.

seeing him and that on his neck and knowing that he's moved on when im still in love with him.. it just dawned on me how broken my heart really is.

by Tara Sun Mar 27, 2011 3:48 pm

:*( That actually happened to me before...saw my ex with a mark on his neck and it felt like my heart went up into my throat. That really fucking sucks...I'm sorry. But I do see your point. These things that we've seen, you with the mark, me with him changing his FB relationship status and current city, make it seem much more real than it was. It's like we thought we were over it but really we may have just been in a state of denial, until we saw the evidence in front of our eyes and it became reality. It's like a fucking knife through the heart....or a punch in the guts. At least we can relate to each other and were not completely alone in feeling this way. It will pass...it did in the past and it will again...soon we won't give a shit who they are with. We may still care for them but the heartache will be gone.

On a lighter note...I was just on Iammoonchild.net and Kerli posted "10 Things I Can't live Without" and then asked what we can't live without...so here goes...

1. Family & Friends
Even though they royally piss me off sometimes and vice verse, if I didn't have them I'd probably be dead or in jail right now.

2. Music (Let's include poetry in here too, after all they are one in the same)
All the people who make REAL music, from the heart, you help me so much at times. Your work is amazing and greatly appreciated. And I love what Kerli said about it, about it not existing, I have thought about that before and it really is amazing when you think about it.
It's amazing how the sound of a guitar can relax me and sometimes even put me to sleep.
I have an amazing musical memory. Ever since I was a child I could memorize a song in an instant, lyrics and music, guitar solos, all of it. I love to write it, and I love to sing. Although I am very shy about singing in front of people. Whenever your sad, sing a song you love, it's almost impossible to be sad when your belting out a tune. I go around my apartment singing at the top of my lungs all the time...the neighbors must think I'm nuts! Razz

3. Art & Creativity
Drawing, painting, writing, making jewelry, decorating my bedroom (I'll have to show it off to you guys when I'm all finished), fucking around with old clothes...etc, etc...
It feels amazing to create something that came from your mind and your own hands. It's a wonderful way to express yourself.

4. Nature
I am always taken aback by how beautiful this world is in spite of all the bullshit going on in it. Gorgeous pink and purple sunrises/sets, A hot sandy beach, a trail through the woods, thunder & lightening storms <3 I love them...and so on and so fourth...

5. Faith
Everyone should have faith in something. I believe that our soul still goes on after our bodies die. I do believe that there are higher powers. I wouldn't dare say what they are, because I don't know, no one does. I just know that it's there because I can feel it.
AND all of these people claiming to see ghosts and angels...they are not all lying or crazy, or mistaking something. Most of them are genuinely seeing something. Millions...or billions of people are not all going to lie, you know? Anyway...I believe there is something beyond this life.

6. Exercise
Yoga, biking, swimming, hiking...I love it all.
It makes me feel wonderful, puts me in a better mood when I'm feeling down. Getting me back into the shape I was meant to be in. Look and feel like myself again Smile

7. "Magic Bullet"
If you don't know what that is, it's a small little blender that work super fast and makes AMAZING smoothies, dips, etc. I mostly use it for smoothies which I have multiple times a day. I am in love with them and they are helping me get back in shape.

8. Computer
I love the fact that I can come to a place like this and communicate with wonderful people all over the world. I can learn about literally anything I want to learn about, I can shop on ebay for things I can't find on this island of mine, I can create things, get whatever music I want, share photos with friends on the mainland, and it goes on and on.

9. Fashion/Style, etc.
I don't follow trends...I like to just pick whatever grabs my attention and I like. I sort of have my own thing going on. It's also fun to take in all of the styles and fashion going on around us. It makes almost everyone sort of unique weather they follow a trend or not, they still all prefer slightly different things. (Colors, cuts, etc.) Makes for a colorful world.

10. Laughter
They say "laughter is the best medicine". I think most of the time they are right. It feels so good to just crack up at something with some friends. laugh until you cry. It's amazing the power it has over you. I think everyone should laugh every day, maybe then we'd all be a little happier Smile

I already have 10 but I have to add one more: Relaxing things; Bubble baths with bubbles and bath salts etc, Aveeno body washes (The fig + shea butter one is my favorite scent in the world), candles and incense, all my manicure and pedicure stuff, facial cleansing masks, etc....I can't live without this stuff...I spoil myself too much <3

by Natt Mon Mar 28, 2011 2:52 am

MissTJ but really, I want to help you but in this question I know only a little...
Writing about it what you feel help...
I love you

And your 10 things.
Yeah, family is important in life, this isn't important if bad or good, the valid is it that they are. Music is very good because open our mind. Often song, lyrics desribe our life or situation. Also music give an awesome strenght.
I saw your art and this is so fantastic. Nature is the best because she is so innocent. I think that same like you in question faith. Faith should be a purpose in life every person. Yeah, exercise makes positive energy and happiness. "Magic Bullet" sound nice Razz

Computer, I think that this is very good things in our life because we are here Razz

Today's technic is the best Smile

In fashion the most important it's what you like wear. You are so lucky because in your country you can wear what you want. Laughter is nice.

Mimi, I send you my love and light <3

by mimi Mon Mar 28, 2011 3:49 am

its cool u added computers because if there weren't any, we wouldnt have tol and we couldnt help each other out during hard times.

i agree with what u said - at first i was in denial and i think a part of me still was/is hoping that he'd come back to me and say that breaking up was a mistake.. but u know, i even fooled myself. for the last 2 weeks ive been feeling really happy and upbeat and i thought i was over him as well.. and now the heartache is back and im most definitely not. but its true 'a smiling face often hides a broken heart'.

just got to take it day by day and step by step. i will see my sister in 3 days when we will meet in Dublin, Ireland. i will probably have a good cry with her and hopefully it will be the last time i cry because of him.

<3

by Tara Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:53 am

^Ty, your a sweetie I <3 all of you as well.

^Mimi, That's good that your going to spend time with your sister. It'll help. Have a good cry then maybe do some fun stuff to take your mind off of things. As for me I am distracting myself by spending time w/ family and friends as well, and flirting, and spending time with this other guy that makes me feel better about myself. I'd like that to turn into something more but I don't know if he's into me enough in that way. Hm.
We'll be over it one day for good...I can't wait for that day to come.
I am EXTREMELY jealous now that your going to Ireland. I've been to a few places and I'm going to Germany, England and France in two months...but I would give it all up just to go to Ireland. I'm 70% Irish and this little island I live on, most of us are Irish descendants. So our accent is VERY similar to an Irish one. And all of our local music is similar as well. I love it here, I'll never move away.
You should take some pics of the scenery for me

by mimi Mon Mar 28, 2011 12:48 pm

okay

will do! and we should meet up when u come to england! Smile

by Tara Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:08 pm

That is a possibility Not sure exactly when I'm going or how long I'll be there but I'll let you know. Mom lives in Germany so while I'm staying there were going to possibly visit England, France, maybe somewhere else. Should be fun!

by Tara Tue Mar 29, 2011 11:26 am

Ok...I've just got home and I've got all my assignments done, I'm broke and I am bored. SOOOOOO I'm going to attempt to make a little tutorial for the woven bracelets, as requested. Give me a few minutes and check out Handcrafts/TJ's Jewelry for the tutorial! <3 Love & Kisses, Tara

by Tara Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:17 pm

Tutorial is up! <3

by Tara Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:44 pm

by Tara Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:58 pm

I finally took the plunge and posted my poetry up under the appropriate thread...enjoy.

by Tara Wed Mar 30, 2011 6:13 pm

My heart aches for him on and off again today. I've been trying to focus on his flaws instead of what I love about him. I've been told that if I do that every time he crosses my mind, eventually, it'll be easier to let go.
One negative thing I keep trying to push is the fact that it seems, from our conversations, that the relationships he's had have all had something in common; the girls he's been with have all had their own place and he's never had his own place. It seems like he finds someone he likes, moves in with them rather quickly, stays for a few years until the relationship is sour, and moves on. That's what happened before he left. He was with this girl for 5 years living in her house...now he had a job and everything, but he just stopped loving her and decided to move away. She had two children he was close with, and he's still close with her...calls them and has video sessions with them. I don't think he does this intentionally, actually I don't believe he even realized he's doing it. Honestly he is a sweet person. He has a big heart. I think he needs a sense of security (because of his anxiety) and when he finds it he rushes into relationships too quickly, and they end.
Now listen to this...he gets to the mainland where he is supposed to spend a week with this girl on vacation. She asks him on a date...and he never leaves her house to move to another province...now a few weeks later they are in a relationship and hes all settled in. I love him so much, he's my friend, but he just seems like such a fucking leech sometimes. I also keep telling myself that after JUST getting out of a 5 year relationship and immediately starting another one and moving in with someone, that it won't last and sooner or later it will end between them. How could it last? He really doesn't even know her that well. Ugh my thoughts are all over the place. I'd love him to move home and get to know the new revamped me and possibly start something, but at the same time...what if he acts like a leech with me and we go out and he moves in and he's here for a while til we get sick of each other then he's gone like all the other relationships he's been in? I know I wouldn't be letting him move in with ME right away. I've made that mistake in the past and it didn't end well. I don't know...I'm so confused.
Your probably thinking if I want to fall out of love I need to disappear from his sight completely. Don't message, don't answer his messages, don't answer the phone, don't let him see me online. It's just not that easy. He's the best friend I have ever had in this world and I his. He's the only person that I can talk to and feel that they are truly listening. He's the only person I have ever laid awake for hours in the early morning worried sick about because they called me earlier in a horrible state and he's done the same with me. No matter if I was IN love with him or not I would still love him with all my heart. And I can't abandon him. We are both exactly alike...and both have terrible anxiety and depression. So we understand each other like no one else in our lives.
What rips me apart as well is while he was with this girl he just left, he was in love with me just as much as I am in love with him now. The funny thing is, I think I screwed it up. He was always after my attention and constantly wanting to be with me and saying all kinds of wonderful things I loved hearing it. But I think I took it for granted a bit. I wish I had appreciated it more then and worked harder at not being selfish and maybe things would be different now.
I remember a year ago when we were the closest we've ever been he used to say to me every single day "Has anyone told you how beautiful you are yet today?" and I'd say "No" and he'd say "We'll I think you should hear it every day". He always did stuff like that for me to make me more confident and cheer me up...I was in a bad, bad state of mind then. He was my angel. He still is. I guess the reason he doesn't say it recently is because I've grown so much...I know I don't need to hear it anymore. I'm confident now. He still compliments me from time to time, wonders how I'm doing, tells me he's proud of me for finishing school and losing the extra weight, becoming a better person, he still worries about me and comforts me. It's just not every day like it used to be. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it and writing all of this shit here now. I miss him so much :*( I wish I never developed these feelings and I wish we had kept things simple and remained friends. OR that I had appreciated his love while I had it there in front of me. I am such a selfish bitch. That's the main reason I did all of this changing...losing him it brought to light the mistakes I had been making with my entire life. It made me realize that I was miserable all the time because I made myself miserable and unintentionally made the people I loved miserable as well. Whoever said "misery loves company" hit the nail on the head. It also made me realize that if I hadn't given in to my illness and been so dramatic and negative...just a fucking basket case...that I would probably have him here with me today. The only person I've ever truly loved, the one person that not long after we met I knew just as sure as I knew I was going to die one day, that he was meant just for me (and I still can't shake that feeling) and I just let him slip away. Now I'm fucking crying talking about this. It'll stop in a minute and I'll probably feel a little better getting it out. I'll be fine. All I can do now is let him go, keep growing and changing for the better, improve my quality of life and just be fucking happy for once.

*Sigh* Writing that gave me a small amount of relief

Sending my love to you all <3 xoxo Tara

by Tara Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:30 pm

I am very restless tonight...can't stay away from the computer and the tv and into a bunch of crafts here. I should probably be getting ready for bed but i've got so much on my mind. Some sad stuff like I wrote a little bit ago up there^ and some awesome stuff I just realized.
We have this music festival here called Salmon Fest. I never went any year before because I didn't think the artists playing there each year was worth my 80$ (Plus money for food, gas, hotel). BUT this year I found out that Kiss is going to be there. I assume everyone knows who Kiss are. So a bunch of us are going to drive out. It should be so much fun. I LOVE road trips. It'll take us about 5 or 6 hours to arrive there.
You know what I realized while making plans for the festival? I am one fucking lucky girl. This summer so far I get to go on a month long European vacation with my Mom, step dad and baby brother who I have been missing a lot since last summer. I get to see Germany, England AND France, mom is going to take me to see zoos, castles, a concentration camp and all kinds of really cool shit. THEN my mom and baby brother are going to fly home with me and stay for a month. I love it! THEN I get to go on a road trip with my friends, stop into my home town on the way and see my grandmother and have lunch, and go to a music festival that Kiss will be playing at, have drinks w/ my friends...not to mention there going to be filming Gene Simmon's tv show while they are here.
When it's all typed out there like that it makes me realize how lucky I am and how much I appreciate everything.
My last few summer's have been complete SHIT...boring and depressing. It's almost like someone up there knew that I needed and deserved one hell of a time and has it all arranged for me I feel so much better now. This summer is already awesome...I wonder what else will go down. I am fucking psyched!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO T.J.

P.s. Interesting little fact. If you've ever seen Gene Simmon's show "Family Jewels" you know who his girlfriend Shannon is. Guess what? She's actually from Newfoundland (Where I'm from) from a little down just a few minutes outside my city. They have filmed episodes here before. I'm pretty sure they have some sort of summer home here as well. Neat, hm?

by Tara Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:02 pm

And here we go again...back down into the heartache again. I am SO unbalanced these past few days. One minute I am feeling great and the next I'm in tears. When I look at his fb profile when there is an update, on the side sometimes I see her picture. By her I mean the girl he is with up there. I hate it because as soon as I see her face my heart goes up in my throat. I just get these horrible images in my head...them cuddling and her saying "my boyfriend..." and doing other things I'm not gonna get into. I don't picture it on purpose. It's just a this little flash that runs through my mind just, it seems, to torture me.
It seems SO wrong. It doesn't feel like it was meant to be this way at all. I don't know why I feel it. I don't know why I can't seem to give him up. I never was in love so deep or so sad over anyone before. If I lost someone in the past, give it a couple weeks and I'd be feeling fine again. It didn't matter to me. I'm friend's with most of my ex's to this day and I have no feelings towards them whatsoever. But me and him, we never even had the chance to be together, to see what would happen. He had to move, to make more money then he can make here, to help his ex pay off their debts.
This time it's like something is pulling, tugging, drawing me towards him telling me not to let go, not to give up, it's wrong and you are right. But I HAVE to resist, I have to move on, I need to get him out of my heart. It's killing me inside every day. I just don't understand it. I wish I could...I'm so mixed up...:*(

Love you all, Tara

by Natt Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:58 pm

I'm sorry that now I reply but I don't feel too good.

Why you edited posts??? You had an awesome poem Sad

MissTJ wrote:"Has anyone told you how beautiful you are yet today?" and I'd say "No" and he'd say "We'll I think you should hear it every day". He always did stuff like that for me to make me more confident and cheer me up...I was in a bad, bad state of mind then. He was my angel. He still is. I guess the reason he doesn't say it recently is because I've grown so much...I know I don't need to hear it anymore. I'm confident now. He still compliments me from time to time, wonders how I'm doing, tells me he's proud of me for finishing school and losing the extra weight, becoming a better person, he still worries about me and comforts me. It's just not every day like it used to be.

Please be strong and take care about yourself, please so much.
Honey the most important is ur soul

MissTJ wrote:
It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it and writing all of this shit here now.

this is good that you wrote what you felt, it help really. When you decribe what u feel it your soul is a little free.

MissTJ wrote:
I am such a selfish bitch.

don't say and don't think about it, please. You are good person.

MissTJ wrote:
Now I'm fucking crying talking about this. It'll stop in a minute and I'll probably feel a little better getting it out. I'll be fine. All I can do now is let him go, keep growing and changing for the better, improve my quality of life and just be fucking happy for once.

I want so much be with you and help you there where you live, I'm sorry that I'm only here. You must be like figter., Life is like war.

MissTJ wrote:I am very restless tonight...can't stay away from the computer and the tv and into a bunch of crafts here. I should probably be getting ready for bed but i've got so much on my mind. Some sad stuff like I wrote a little bit ago up there^ and some awesome stuff I just realized.

maybe your body and organism need relax? Take care about yourself, please...

Salmon Fest sound very nice. You have a fun time on Fest <3

MissTJ wrote:
I am one fucking lucky girl.

You should all time think about yourself like you wrote. I agree with you!!!! You are so lucky girl!!!!!!!!!You see it!!!! So fantastic <3

MissTJ wrote:My last few summer's have been complete SHIT...boring and depressing.

don't think about your past life, this isn't good

MissTJ wrote:P.s. Interesting little fact. If you've ever seen Gene Simmon's show "Family Jewels" you know who his girlfriend Shannon is. Guess what? She's actually from Newfoundland (Where I'm from) from a little down just a few minutes outside my city. They have filmed episodes here before. I'm pretty sure they have some sort of summer home here as well. Neat, hm?

I'm sorry but I don't know it Sad

in question your last post, please, you must so much love him, maybe you try talking with him, and say how much you love and how much he is important for you,,,,,,

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 3 Ipek-cute-toy-teddy-bear-Love-przyja%C5%BA%C5%84-Suzies-ceca-valentines-lovely-pauls-Misc-yaadeyn-Verschiedene-nice-sweet-Fluffy-luv-infamous1-FRANKY-PASSION-%D0%A7%D0%A0%D0%94-faves-22-01-2010-r%C3%B3%C5%BCno%C5%9Bci-Teddys_large

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 3 Ipek-cute-toy-teddy-bear-Love-przyja%C5%BA%C5%84-Suzies-ceca-valentines-lovely-pauls-Misc-yaadeyn-Verschiedene-nice-sweet-Fluffy-luv-infamous1-FRANKY-PASSION-%D0%A7%D0%A0%D0%94-faves-22-01-2010-r%C3%B3%C5%BCno%C5%9Bci-Teddys_large

by Tara Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:04 pm

Wow. That's a lot to take in. Thank you for the words sweetie. I took the poem out because I moved it over to the Moonchildren/poems thread...and I put a ton of my poems on there if you'd like to read them.
I do love him, in a way I couldn't even possibly describe. Which is why I let him go.
He does know how I feel...he's known for a very long time. And we had a long talk before he left. He came to visit me one last time. He cooked me a huge dinner w/ salmon and veggies...he's an amazing cook. Then we settled down for the night and watched movies and cuddled...and I had promised him the day before I wouldn't cry...and when I went silent and he kept asking me what was wrong I couldn't answer him because I knew I'd break out in tears and he got the hint and said "I'm sorry. It was selfish of me to ask you to hold it in...let it out...go on" and as soon as he said it I burst out crying lol...I felt silly but I couldn't help it. Then he started crying just as much as me and we just sorta snuggled up to each other crying...it sounds so sappy but it was really nice in a way, you know. Then he just came out with how he doesn't want to leave his ex and her kids...how he doesn't want to leave me, or anyone...and he thought they'd never forgive him but I kept telling him they would because I know they love him just as much as he loves them. And I told him he had such a big heart behind that angry face (lol) and that I loved him so much...and he said he loved me too....it was all just very fucking dramatic lol. Then, as much as it hurt me to say it, I told him that it's his life and if he needs to go away to improve it, then that's what he needs to do. I wanted him to be happy. I told him he had to go out and have fun, meet a girl, don't hold back. Just live and be happy up there. And I guess that's what he's been doing.
It feels different on this Island without him here. I guess it feels more like an island then it did before. Isolated...kinda lonely. Even though I'm surrounded by people all the time. We were just so comfortable around each other it's like we've known each other our entire lives and maybe other lives. Just an instant connection when we first met. Like we'd been there all along.
It's very overwhelming and smothering at times. But crying feels good, although sometimes I just get into this state of mind where I feel like I need to cry but the tears just won't come. That's the most frustrating place I find myself.
BUT it never hangs around for a long time, eventually it disappears and I feel whole once more...but it always comes back.
He'll be coming home for a visit in September. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what reaction I'll get from him when I open my apartment door and I'm 60 pounds lighter then I was, and my negativity, drama, and bad vibes are gone...and all that's left is pure personality and love. I wonder what he'll do...I hope he'll happy for me. I hope he misses me and thinks about me, even a little. Maybe when he sees the new me...the REAL me...who he's only had tiny glimpses of, he'll fall in love with me all over again. Now I'm getting carried away. Lol. I shouldn't worry about that. I should just worry about being happy and getting on with my life...with new friends and old ones. Stop thinking about this stuff.
Moving forward...

by Tara Sat Apr 02, 2011 5:33 pm

Ok. So Since I'm going through all of these changes, inside and out, I'm going to try the whole smudging thing. I've got a sage bundle ordered, stones/crystals and some special candles. I'm going to make my own little alter, clean the entire apartment and clean it all with the sage...have a nice bath...and then start fresh and continue with my "personal transformation". I've never tried these things before, and many people believe in it, so I'm going to give it a try. I have a very open mind...I'll try almost anything.
I've also got this beautiful play list put together of ambient sounds. It goes calming waves, angry sea, whale song, rain forest sounds, crickets and frogs, thunderstorm, and I actually add Saima at the end. I'm going to play it when I go to bed tonight. I usually have a movie on that I turn down low to help put me to sleep, but I figure this will be 10x better.
I'm a little disappointed I can't seem to find a fog horn ambient track...that's one of my favorite sounds. If I had that in there it would be perfect. Stupid YouTube
Anyway...that's what I'm going to try. See if I can forget all of this heartache bullshit. I'm going to watch a couple episodes of "Kitchen Nightmares" before bed. Gordon Ramsay is the shit. I love him.
Goodnight everyone XOXOXO ILU

by Tara Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:27 am

It's been officially two weeks today since I've had a cigarette. I quit cold turkey and didn't use any aids such as a nicotine patch for anything. So I am pretty damned proud of myself right now. However, I am still craving them like mad. It's so hard in social situations too because, you know, everyone goes our for a smoke together and chats and it's just like a social thing. I hate that. It's so hard not to say "Save me a draw will you please". But I have to do it. I can't afford it anymore...and then there's the whole health issue of course.

Anyway, today the fam are coming in from out of town and taking us to a vegetarian restaurant for my sister's b-day because, apparently, she's a vegetarian now. That was random. That is ok with me though because I'm very close to being a vegetarian myself. I have an illness that causes me to become extremely sick if I eat red meat, a lot of dairy (sometimes I can get away w/ eating a little), chocolate bars, greasy food, and really spicy food. So what's am I left with? Chicken, fish and fruits and veggies, pretty much. And I don't really like fish. I'll eat fish cakes, fish sticks, and fried salmon. That's about it. It sucks. I LOVE HAMBURGERS and steak, sausage and bacon. Sometimes I risk it and eat a little anyway and sometimes (rarely) I get away with it and I'm fine. Most of the time, however, I end up lying on the bathroom floor in pain needing to do either one of two things...and not able to do them. LOL. It's weird I actually only developed this about three months ago. I had to go to the emergency room because every little bite I took of any kind of food gave me horrible pain and I thought I have some sort of block in my intestine or bowel. It turned out I randomly developed a severe case of IBS. Weird isn't it? My whole life I could eat whatever the fuck I pleased and I was fine then all of a sudden I just develop this illness. Oh well, in a way it was a blessing in disguise because now that my diet is restricted to certain things, it's helped me out a great deal in getting back into shape. You can't get overweight eating rabbit food all day

Oh yeah...I tried my ambient playlist last night when I was lying down to go to sleep. I didn't have much faith in it. I thought I might be annoyed by it and have to turn it off. But actually I found myself drifting off a few times, especially to the whale song and the thunderstorm. You guys should try it! It's such a pleasant way to fall asleep.

Anyway, I have to go get ready for dinner. I only have two hours to get something small to eat and get a shower and dressed and all that girl shit like do my hair lol.

Hope everyone has an awesome day. Love, Tara. Xoxo.

by Tara Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:27 pm

*Sigh* Where is he these past few days? I'm not messaging him. I told myself I wouldn't. I fucking hate it when he doesn't talk to me. It makes it worse. As long he talks to me normally and asks how I'm doing it seems to not feel so bad, but he's not doing that the past few days.
For fuck sake. I must seem so fucking retarded with all these blogs about him.
Maybe it's time to pull away completely. Maybe I need to just pretend he doesn't exist right now. It's hard because of all the stuff I wrote about before...but maybe this friendship needs to be put on hold for now. It's affecting my emotional health...obviously. Ok. Fuck it. I need to vanish from him. I have do it to heal...I'm worrying too much about something I can do nothing about.
I can do it. I know I can. I'm so fucking strong, I'm a fighter...after all the mental bullshit I've suffered through my entire life, after feeling suicidal so many times, after surviving breakdown after breakdown...I can get through this. I can get over it. He's just another person. No better or worse than me...and he fucking HURT me and he still is. Even if it was unintentional and I sorta played a small role...he still hurt me. I have to say goodbye...at least for now. Wish me luck :*(
Fuck my heart hurts :*(
& where's that knight in shining armor when I need him to come save me and distract me from this? *Rolls eyes*

by Tara Tue Apr 05, 2011 6:26 pm

I feel a little better today. I was out w/ some friends I haven't seen in a couple weeks and I got a few compliments on the weight I've lost. That always helps. It was nice. Went out for coffee, played cards (Kicked everyone's ass! ), spent some time with my 2 year old God son who is all of a sudden talking up a storm. Crazy how fast they grow. Now hopefully tomorrow I can go do a little shopping. That'll be nice. I've seen a couple things I wanted to get for my house. I'm decorating my spare room. It's going to look really nice when it's all done. I have these beautiful angel posters I'm going to frame and hang. I love it.
Hope everyone is doing well. It sounds super corny but I hope you'll say a little prayer for me...I need someone special at this point in my life. I'll say one in return for everyone to have good things come to them soon. I hope someone is listening.
<3 T.J.

by Tara Wed Apr 06, 2011 6:14 am

The stomach flu + no sleep = Ughhhhh

by Natt Wed Apr 06, 2011 11:07 am

I'm so sorry that you are sick now, I send to you love.

And I'm sorry that I don't read your post but I'm too tired.
I promise that when will be better I will read all!!!

by Tara Wed Apr 06, 2011 2:11 pm

<3 Thank you. I am feeling somewhat better now. I still haven't slept because I'm waiting until at least 9 o clock so that I don't end up being awake all night tonight and sleep all day tomorrow.
I just went on a crazy cleaning spree...it feels nice when everything is neat and clean. A dirty home drives me crazy.
Why are you so tired? Don't worry about reading every single post. I don't write them to get attention, although every word is very much appreciated from everyone. When I feel something, weather it be really dark and sad, or really awesome, I just write. I need to get it out of my system, is all. It feels good.
Some of my recent blogs have been so mental looking back. When I get into a certain emotional state I guess I just spill my guts. Fixating on things I can't change. I must sound like a crazy obsessed person sometimes. Well, I probably am at times:P I've just got to keep drilling into my head that I don't need to depend on another person to be happy. I need to focus on my goals and dreams, find my inner peace and be happy all on my own. Then, when I and the universe decides I'm truly ready, I'll find something/someone again that just makes it so much better.
Spa and spoil day for me now. Time to pamper myself and feel gorgeous again.
I hope your doing ok. Love, XOXOXO

by Tara Wed Apr 06, 2011 3:35 pm

Omg lol. I haven't been that sick in years. It started out a few days ago when my stomach blew up like a balloon, and my lower sides on my back did too. I had so much pain around and in those areas I couldn't get comfortable no matter how I positioned myself. I though I was going to explode and I freaked out. It was so weird. I almost called an ambulance because I've never had anything that strange happen to me before. Anyway, oddly enough, the person I'm trying to get over really helped to calm me down and kept checking up on me after...I guess that proves he's still a friend to me. But after the pain faded I got so sick. I had a fever...everything hurt...all of my muscles, even my skin. I threw up 17 times. I didn't sleep in almost three days. I was so dehydrated...I could drink little sips but couldn't keep anything down. It was a living hell. I'll never ever take water or any liquids for granted again. LOL. FINALLY I slowly started to feel better. Thank god! Being that sick really makes you appreciate being able to live through day to day like you normally do. Also makes you appreciate your family and friends. Especially when they bring you popsicles, gatorade and clean your house. LOL.
I don't sick very often but I do I get it worse then most people. I don't know why. It's weird. Anyway...I'm so glad it's over. Yay!
Now I'm gonna go rest and watch "House". I still don't have all my energy back yet.
Hope everyone is doing ok

by mimi Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:19 am

i was just going to ask how u were doing. im glad you're feeling better, it always takes a little bit to recooperate, just take it easy Smile

by Tara Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:59 pm

Thank you darlin. I went out all day for the first time today. I did some shopping. I love shopping.
My stomach is still really messed up. All I can eat is like...rice...and bread and its constantly rumbling. But it's better than being so thirsty I go crazy and throwing up for 15 hours straight. I'm not gonna knock it. I just wonder why it seems to be taking so long to get back to normal. Worries me a little, but I'm sure it's just silly ol anxiety.
How are you doing?

by mimi Tue Apr 12, 2011 2:28 am

yikes.. maybe u should think through what you ate before u got it.. maybe it was food poisoning? did u eat meat that wasn't properly cooked?

im aching Very Happy

i went to this workout class body pump yesterday - ive been doing it for like 3 years actually but the past couple of weeks i haven't had time to do it at all. so yesterday i did and my muscles are all aching.

otherwise.. i have really good days and really bad days. i guess that's normal, but u know when i was writing my blog i was having a really good day and yesterday i had another downer again. but that too shall pass Smile

now im gonna start getting ready because im going to aquafit haha with like ten 60 year old women Very Happy

by Tara Tue Apr 12, 2011 1:17 pm

There was a stomach flu going around. Everyone I know had it. They had the same symptoms but just not as severe as me. I think it hit me harder then everyone else because there's something wrong with my insides to begin with. Emergency room doctor said it was IBS, but I have to wait until my family doc comes back from vacation to get some tests done and find out for sure what it is. Certain foods seem to set it off and make me really sick (Red meat, dairy, spices, and a couple more) So I haven't really even been eating much meat in the first place. I can still eat chicken and fish...although I'm not fussy on fish. I'm gonna miss hamburgers *drools*

I am jealous! I haven't been able to do my work out in almost a week now because of all this sickness bullshit. I think I'll start off with yoga tonight and ease my way back in. Keep it up...exercise helps the body AND mind in so many ways Smile

Just don't strain your muscles too much...stretch.

Yeah...same here. Up, down, up, down. It'll pass. Seems to be getting easier now. I keep telling myself I'm growing so much lately that soon I'll have outgrown him completely. I bet you will too.

by Tara Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:34 pm

I love my family. Especially when we all get together, well, those of us who can atm. It was my Grandmother's birthday so I made a cake and dinner and we ate it all with my Grandparent's, 4 year old cousin and her parents and my brother and his girlfriend (Who I really like, she is a very sweet person).
I was put in charge of making plans for when I come back from my European vacation with my Mom, Step Dad, and baby brother. I chose a few museums (One of them a science museum and the other art, and our local history. Might seem boring to some of you but I love to take in that kind of stuff), a trip to our biggest local park to have a pick nick with the kids, a trip to the nature park (It's kind of like a zoo except it's full of our local animals that can't survive in the wild for many reasons or are endangered), and a trip to Northern Bay Sands outside of town...it's basically a huge beach that's really sandy and when the tide is out you can walk right out into the ocean. It also has a nice big waterfall. That should be awesome. The beach is one of my favorite places in the world to be.
And everyone is noticing the weight I'm losing. It's great. The more encouragement from family and friends the more empowered I feel to keep going. By the summer I should be down to my goal of 130 pounds. I can't wait. Depending on my healthy body weight ratio I may go down a few more pounds after I've reached my goal. As long as it's not too much.
I feel really good today. Got to spend all that time w/ my family and then do a bit of shopping. Not thinking about a certain someone I am feeling better now from that stomach flu so tonight I'm going to start my work out routine again. I'm only going to start the yoga again tonight and work my way up the rest of the week. I don't want to give my body too much too fast.
Anyway, I guess I should get started on that now. I hope everyone is great. Love, hugs and kisses, TJ

P.s. I got Asphalt (Ash, Ashy, my big black kitty, who is all better and din't get put to sleep btw, YAY!) a black faux leather studded collar. He looks so bad ass LOL
I'll post a recent pic of him soon.

by Tara Thu Apr 14, 2011 1:57 pm

Had a long talk with a..."sort of friend" about my life life lately...he said the exact same things that I've been saying and starting to do. Made me feel good like, it was almost a sign. Confirmation that I am now starting on the right track. Growing on the inside and the outside...and moving on.
He also always tells me that I'm like the only "real" person he knows, that he feels like I have an amazing energy, and of course the compliments. But don't worry, he's gay, so he's not just hitting on me lol. I'm just not sure how to feel about him and if I should hang out with him or not because of some other stuff. I mean, I try not to judge people no matter what they do, how they live, you know, but this is kinda iffy for me...I won't get into it on here. It's not cool...certain lifestyle choices, etc.
Anyways, I feel good today. Even though I am still a bit nauseated and weak from my earlier stomach flu. Tomorrow is shopping day. That always cheers me up. Gotta buy me some new undies and bras cuz I lost more weight and a lot of mine are getting too big (I am now 160 down from 190!!!). I fucking love new clothes especially sexy lingerie stuff...makes me feel all hot and what not I saw this wicked set with skulls all over them. Me want. Me get.
Anyways...this version of this song ("Love Hurts") is my favorite. It's beautiful. Well, I think it is anyway. It's just got such a haunting, melancholy sound to it. It really gets to me. It's also really appropriate for what's been going on lately. It's from the Halloween II soundtrack. Take a listen. I bet you'll like it

ILU <3 XO, TJ

by mimi Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:40 am

WELL DONE!!! im so proud of u Smile

i keep telling myself tha growing is a natural part of life and even though change can freaking hurt at times u still learn smth from it! so yeah, go buy yourself some sexy lingerie and look at urself in the mirror and think 'HELL YES!' Smile

by Tara Fri Apr 15, 2011 5:39 am

Fucking straight! I am off to do that in about 20 minutes. Can't wait. I feel super fucking hot today Wink

Proud of you toooooo xo

by Tara Fri Apr 15, 2011 6:15 pm

I did some major shopping today. Got myself 3 bra/undie sets, a shitload of new labrets (My spike is my favorite), yummy groceries, flip flops, a couple of gifts for some people, and a bunch of other random shit for my house etc. Feels good to have some nice new (& smaller!) stuff Yes...I am a sexy bitch. Ha ha ha...and so you are all of you! XO
Yes, I like Cher. (I have the weirdest, biggest variety/taste in music) Don't know if anyone else here does...you either love her or hate her. Anyway...I've been pumping this song today. Makes me feel good, pretty much, because I know it's damned true! & I can feel myself getting better now every day. If I could say it to HIM, and a few more, I would. But especially him. Here's the lyrics...and the song. <3

Save Up All Your Tears (Cher)

I can't figure you out
But a heart must be the one thing you were born without
I've been wasting my time
I don't know where I'll sleep tonight
You say that you can do without me
Go ahead now try and live without me

CHORUS
Baby save up all your tears
You might need them someday
When the tears start to fall
I won't wipe them away
When you cry in the night
For the love that you need
Baby, save up your tears
Cause you'll be crying over me

(Oh oh)

You got used to my touch
I got used to not, not feeling much
Winter set in your eyes
Time will melt your castle of ice
You think that you won't feel the pain now
Your eyes will be crying like the rain now

CHORUS
Baby save up all your tears
You might need them someday
When the tears start to fall
I won't wipe them away
When you cry in the night
For the love that you need
Baby, save up your tears
Cause you'll be crying over me

You'll be crying
You'll be crying over me

You don't know it now
You don't know it now
You don't know it now
You don't know it now
You don't know it now
But some wounds get deeper with time
You don't feel it now
Till the need burns, a knife turns
Your heart bleeds like mine

CHORUS
Baby save up all your tears
You might need them someday
When the tears start to fall
I won't wipe them away
When you cry in the night
For the love that you need
Baby, save up your tears
Cause you'll be crying over me

Baby save up all your tears
You might need them someday
When the tears start to fall
I won't wipe them away
When you cry in the night
For the love that you need
Baby, save up your tears
Cause you'll be crying over me

You'll be crying over me
Cause you'll be crying over me
(You'll be crying over me)
(You don't know it now)
(You don't know it now)
(You don't know it now)
...

by Tara Sat Apr 16, 2011 8:25 pm

Feeling...nothing. Numbness. Not happy, not sad, not angry. It happens sometimes. I don't know why. I don't really know what to think of it either. My house is gone to shit. I haven't been home lately so therefore, I eat and run, no time for dishes. So my kitchen is a disaster. My bedroom looks like a hurricane went through. The carpets are covered in cat fur...*sigh*...downside to having a black cat and a long haired dark mixed color cat. Little bastards (I mean that in a loving way lol) shed all over the place and it's hard to keep up. Especially now that it's getting warmer. Maybe that's my problem. My OCD can't handle dirt and mess. It's mental torture for me. It's too late to go on a cleaning spree now. Tomorrow. I must slap myself awake out of my waking coma and clean the fucking shit out of this place. Then it's time to start the cardio/yoga again. I should probably make something, too. I have this sick idea involving those ugly plastic crates that stores use. It'll be nice to look at AND super convenient. If I can get a hold of a few more I will so put my idea to the test and post it when I'm done.
Mother's day should be fun. Girl's night at my house. I'm the only childless one, funny enough, even though I'm the host. But hey, I'm still technically a mom. I have my God son and his sister (My best friend's kids), who I have been around all the time since they were born and pretty much help raise. They've called me Mommy number 2. I love them like my own. Anyway, food, card games, drinks here then off to a bar up the road and get into some trouble! Should be fun times. I've never had a bunch of people in this place since I moved in. Only a friend here and there. Normally I go out. Nice for a change anyway.

Here's pics of me and my bestie's kid's (Mason, 2. Abigail, 6). <3

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by Tara Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:42 am

I am feeling awesome. Still losing weight and getting noticed. Feels great. I broke away from "him" for a while and now he's been contacting me a lot lately. Asking me how I am, saying "I was just thinking about you..." and how everything is going, etc...being a friend to me again and me to him. The best part is when I talk to him now I don't feel like crying. I feel like...he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do and he's still going to be there for me. I'm going to continue to improve myself inside and out and something great is going to come to me. When he visits this September, it'll be like meeting me all over again, and I have a feeling, that he's going to regret moving away and miss me a whole lot. He fell in love with me before he saw me fall apart completely and I think once he sees my inside/outside improvements, he won't be able to help but fall back in love with me again. However, if he ends up moving back home in the future, I don't know if I can give him anything more than my friendship. I'll have a new life, maybe a new love, but I guess we'll see what fate has in store for the two of us. All that matters is that were both happy and I am over it. Eat your heart out, babe.

by out of the hollow Wed Apr 20, 2011 12:06 pm

MissTJ wrote:I'm going to continue to improve myself inside and out and something great is going to come to me.

"Living well is the best revenge" Wink

Glad you're feeling better, you deserve it!

by Tara Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:26 pm

Agreed! & thank you Smile

<3

by Tara Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:55 pm

I fucking hate headaches. Unfortunately, I am prone to them. Happens all the time. Starts off as a mild headache and given a few hours works it's way up to full blown migraine. I think it's heading that way now. Sometimes they get so bad I have to take a shitload of pills and water and just lie in the dark with the window open and cool air coming in. Only way to make them stop. It really sucks. It seems to happen more often when I'm out in the day time and around a lot of smoke, like, my friends smoking and shit. Sometimes it feels so weird like the skin on my head is pulled super tight and won't let go.
I guess I'll just go get a nice bubble bath with some candles and chill. Maybe it'll go away then and leave me in peace. I'm so sleepy. *Yawn*
Night, night beauties <3 XO

by Tara Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:12 pm

I got my second tattoo today. I didn't plan it or anything...I had the opportunity randomly so I took it.
I had wanted to tattoo "Perfectly Imperfect" somewhere on me for a while. It's from a poem I wrote. So today I decided to put it on my wrist. I fucking love it. I can say it definitely hurt a lot more compared to behind my ear which didn't really hurt at all. Now, it wasn't that bad pain wise but certain spots really burned and stung, so naturally I was cursing and swearing up a storm at times, lol. But all in all it was manageable. My best friend had the same words tattooed on her foot, with my permission, of course. She didn't have it so easy. Everyone says...foot tattoos FUCKING HURT. And you could tell she was in pain because she was curled up into our friend and squeezing her arm so hard her knuckles were white. Really makes me not want to tattoo my foot...although what I had in mind to do would look so awesome.
Anyways, enough with the matching tattoos for the two of us. Two is quite enough, I think I can't wait to get my first one fixed up.
Here's the poem the words came from and the pic. It's really messy looking because it was just after it was finished.

Perfectly Imperfect

When you look into my eyes
Know that I'm perfect as I'll ever be
I'm beautiful inside and out
No games; what you get is what you see
I'm perfectly imperfect
So take me as I am
And know that all I'll ever be is just me <3

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Afterward
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by Tara Sun Apr 24, 2011 4:25 pm

I need to write cuz maybe it'll help a little. My skin is crawling and tingly. I think it's a possible panic attack coming on but I'm not sure. It feels so overwhelming, like, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, like I need to shed it. I feel like I have too much adrenaline rushing through me. It's all tingly and weird and I have this horrible feeling of dread. This happened before...followed by a panic attack of course. But I'm not sure if that's what this is this time or not. Ughhhh! I feel like I need to leap out of my own body. I feel trapped and flustered. I fucking hate this feeling. I feel like I need to be held But maybe not...I might freak if I felt any bit restrained at the moment. Lol...I don't know what to say or do. I fucking hate this feeling. FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE GOD DAMN IT! I should go do a crazy fucking work out, get that energy out...maybe then I can just be chilled and calm. I wish I had a trampoline...

Hope everyone is doing ok. Tattoo is healing nicely.

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