From Dark To Light & Back Again

Glad things are getting better/Nice you meet a nice guy

Keep busy and stay happy! Good for you you've quit smoking. And good luck with your guy! I think it will happen naturally with him when it's ready to just happen.

Im having a glass of white wine.. alone and thinking of you haha!

I'm always short of money to be honest but lately I've started worrying about it less because whenever I've really really needed money to pay rent, I've got it someway or another.

I do hope your financial things get better!

And I hope we get a chance to meet one day

Mmmm. Loves me white wine. Thinking of me, eh? Hmmm should I be flattered or frightened? LOL

I'm never really worried about rent or food or whatever. The important stuff always comes first. I just loooove to shop and my last week before pay day is usually spent being flat broke.

& Yes that would be nice. It sucks you know I bet there are no other moonchildren anywhere on this entire island. I haven't found a single one and there's not that many people here. I'm the only one all on my lonesome! Lol. This is a very different kind of place...

I think I might go ahead and make some jewelry now that the cleaning is done and I'm bored. Yes...getting on it.

HAHAAAA!!! U can take it whatever way you wish but actually, there are a couple of people off the forum i really want to meet one day. and you're one of them and not in a im-gonna-rape-you kind of way

LOLS. I totally knew that Ha ha ha ha ha!

& Yes I know. Too bad it can't be easier to accomplish.

It is amazing you know. I read a couple of my really old blog posts. I was in such a bad place in my mind and in such shitty situations.
It makes me sad to read that and have all of those old feelings come rushing back but at the same time I have to laugh at how lame I was at the time and how great I feel now
People always say that to you don't they; "You'll look back on this and laugh one day". You usually say to yourself...or them..."Yeah, fucked if I'll ever do that!" but we always end up doing it down the road.
I must be 100x stronger these days. Back then if something went wrong my heart would be broken and so would I. I'd fall to peices and everything would be dark and I'd want to leave this life forever.
But now look at me. Things still go wrong, I still feel lonely at times, I still miss certain people a little at times, but I am slowly working on improving that every day. & When something goes wrong now, I may cry for a moment, or feel a little sad, but then I say fuck it. I'm amazing and I am strong and I won't let it affect my happiness.
Another building block to the foundation that is the new me: getting rid of one of my medications.
I was never a big fan of them in the first place, but I needed them to help me function or I would for sure have had to be hospitilized or I would be dead.
First I was put on seroquel for bipolar and panic/anxiety disorder. It helped a little, but I was still suffering a great deal. Partly due to extreme stress.
After getting out of my stressful situation, getting rid of room mates who were poisoning my life and getting my own new apartment, lithium was added to the mix.
At first it stayed the same. I guess I blindly expected the medication to magically make me better. But eventually I realized that it wasn't so simple and I had to change my way of thinking and my way of life.
So I started to exercise and eat well. I started to push my anxiety's limits. I made myself do things I ws terrified of before (and these things were from ever day little things people do all the time to my phobias). I tried my best to think positive and to keep busy.
It was tough at first, but once I got used to it being this way it became extremely natural to me. Now this is how I am. & I'm finally, for the first time in my life, not afraid to be who I feel I am on the inside.
I am happy and I am free.
So back to the medication. I'm taking a huge step and I am now being slowly weaned off the seroquel, 50mg at a time. I don't like the way it makes me feel when I take it (physically...I can barley walk) and I don't like that I have to depend on it to sleep now because I am so used to it knocking me out at night when I take it.
I'm hoping that I'll be able to live without it and just be on the lithium for now. Eventually I may try to stop the lithium as well, but that may not be for years. I have to wait until I am ready. If I ever even will be.
Hopefully this will work out for me and I won't have to take the seroquel anymore. It will make my life easier, I won't have to deal with the side effects (there are few) and there will be less unnatural drugs in my system.

On another note I am so greatful to be alive and healthy. A little while ago my EKG results came back (I have them done often because of the meds) and there was a red flag on it. My psych didn't know what it was (he's not a cardiologist after all) so he told me to take it easy but make an appointment with my doctor asap. So I kept it to myself for about 2 weeks until my appointment. I was having anxiety attacks a lot. There's heart problems on both sides of my family.
I thought I would have to giv up my exercise and everything fun in my life. Or worse that I'd have to get surgery (HUGE panic button for me) or that it would be fatal.
I finally got to my appointment and I was told that what was on my EKG was for the most part normal. Just a "normal abnormality" that some people get. Just like if someone was born with a birth mark or an extra finger, etc.
I am so relieved I am so lucky. So many people get told they need surgery or a transplant, etc. and I got off easy. Makes you appeciate things

That's exactly what they are: old feelings ;)
I can't even remember anymore what it felt like to be extremely anxious and sad all the time. Well, the worst part happened almost 10 years ago xD (I'm so old)
Isn't it amazing, that with simply having a more positive outlook makes everything seem so little and easy? I'm not saying my panic attacks have stopped completely, but I can walk over them more easy :3
My fiancé has the same tendency to overreact to medical "problems". When he popped his kneecap, he was like: "I'll never walk again, I'm gonna need a surgery, I should just die". And what do you know, he's walking just fine :D Sure, his kneecap makes a horrible noise, but he can walk. My kneecaps aren't exactly silent, either, even though I've never injured them. I guess it's because I'm "over-flexible".
So, next time you get something that should be checked, don't overreact and scare yourself with possible outcomes, because they may not even happen. First make sure, then deal with the problem, if there even is one :)
I'm so happy you're OK <3

^EXACTLY. I know dead on what you mean and it's the same way for me now. Anxiety attacks and manic low's still happen but they aren't as harsh and I can get through them quicker.
& You are right about the overreating to the medical things. Anxiety and hypochaundria are a super bad combination, especially when you have parents and grandparents who unintentionally feed into it by worrying, you know.
Thank you <3 Me too.

So I'm a little bummed. My new guy started working full time a little over two weeks ago and I've barley spoken to him at all. I mean like...maybe twice. I know that it's probably not my fault. I know that he's probably adjusting to full time work, plus he is VERY dedicated to his fitness routine so he always fits that in every singe day. So I know, he's probably exhausted and just need to adjust, like I said. But it's tough for me. I've been out of the relationship scene for such a long time, dealing with my own shit, concentrating on getting better. So I am rusty and I'm not entirely sure how to react.
Keep in mind he's not even my boyfriend (yet). They say that when a guy pulls away like this, it's normal. They say that he is most likely intimidated by his developing feelings, he's busy with work, and he just needs some space and "guy time". So that's what I'm doing. I'm not supposed to call, or text, or whatever. I'm just supposed to go on with life, have fun, keep busy, even socialize with other guys. They say eventually, when he's ready, he'll most likely come back, I am to wlecome him with open arms and our bond will be stronger then ever. So that's what I'm doing. I don't know if I believe it or not. & I am afraid to lose him after we've become so close. But what else can I do but just leave him be and let him do his thing?After all I can't waste another three years of my life on someone else, can I? So if he comes back, great. & I hope he does because I really like him. But if he doesn't...well like I said I'm still free to flirt right now until I'm asked to be his girlfriend. I'm still a free woman.
At this point in my life I am just ready for love. It's been way too long and I've come so far and grown so much that I know any relationship I have will be the best I've had so far (Or ever). It's the one little thing that's missing.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy. I am content. I just want someone to SHARE that hapiness and contentment with.
I've been so busy lately it's been crazy. Working and out and on the go with people. I went out with an old friend yesterday on his Harley. It was my first time ever on a motercycle and I loved it We drove around for almost three hours and had ourselves a lovely little adventure.
Life is good.

i read your blog, even though i don't comment on this...sometimes, when you're fine with yourself, and life and stuff, and someone is not, and you haven't been in his/her shoes, it's kinda hypocritical to say things like "awh it's gonna be ok, and life's good, and you'll be fine soon"..... i think you can't understand how hard it is until you live with it.. but now i see another tara.. a happier one, and more calm.... and i'm happy too.. you're a great person and i hope your life is full of light and happiness... and i hope you'll achieve everything you're planning to do.. <3

^ Thank you! I am another me these days. I am full of light and happiness and I am glad you are too <3

So I just sat down and read my entire blog from start to finish and I've gotta say I am almost crying here.
I was in so much pain all the time and like I said in a recent post it made me feel some of those old feelings for a second.
I don't understand how I possibly survived like that! How did I not die? I'm amazed I didn't give in and kind of proud at the same time.

I was reading all of your comments and yur sweet words and that just made me want to cry even more You are all so sweet and amazing and I love you all so much <3 <3 <3

I think I need to give updates some of my entries. I think I left some things for you to wonder about.

Ashy (The sick kitty) is still here. He is here curled up on my bed next to me asleep. He's doing amazing.
I worked and I worked with him and finally I found a way to reduce his anxiety to almost nothing and I add a ton of water to his food so that his urinary tract doesn't get stuck with crystals.
He's gained a lot of weight because he's healthy and he doesn't throw up most of what he eats anymore. He plays and he has so much more personality.
He has a rare accident every now and then if something startles him and he gets anxious. But he only does it on the plastic that covers my couch I figured draping some plastic on my couch and having to take it on and off was well worth his little life. Besides, it rarely ever happens. I am so proud of him.



I mentioned before that I had a lot of pets and I think I listed them all. I DID have: Zoe & Ash (The kitties), Axle & Layla (The bearded dragons), Stitch (The gecko) and Marley (The corn snake). PLUS I was watching another bearded dragon (Albie) for a friend. I had him for over a year here in my home. But sadly, a few weeks ago I went in to find him dead He was very old so I thought it might happen.
My two bearded dragons not long ago I gave to a friend. I had way too many animals in my house and I just couldn't properly care for all of them. I didn't have the time anymore. So the beardies went to my friend's house and she bought them a huge new tank and spoiled them but sadly my female (Layla) died not long after from stress from moving. The other one is doing quite well however.
So now all that's left are the two cats, my gecko (she's very old too) and the snake. Much more manageable. Since I've got more money to spend on them the cats have new beds and a new scratching post, new dishes, etc.
The snake has a whole new tank with tons of room to climb and tree branches, new cave and water dish. When she's moved into that one I'll move the gecko into her old tank.
The snake is going on 5 feet long now so I can't keep her in the 20 gallon anymore. I don't think it would be healthy.
It's really nice to be able to take care of them like this.

I don't talk to "him" anymore. I decided to stop talking to him completley, to let him live his new life and just let him go. Besides, that part of my life is over. He's been removed from everything. I can officially say that I'm over it.
I'll never forget the times that we had and all he did for me. He was the one who discovered I may have had bipolar disorder. I don't know if I ever mentioned that.
He noticed that I hardley every blinked when he was with me to observe, plus all the other things I had going on. He told me to mention it to my doctor and ever since I've been getting better.
That part of my life is over but I'll always be grateful that I had it.
I wish him all the best in his new life but I need to go on without him.

I've also decided that looking for love doesn't seem to work. I think I just have to sit back and enjoy my new found happiness and maybe it will come to me. Meanwhile...I'm just going to live.

Ever since I started my raw food diet I am improving in every aspect. Skin, weight, energy, mood...etc, etc. I feel amazing. & I JUST started!

Was there anything else I needed to update? I can't remember There were so many entries...I noticed I swear way too much. LOL!

There are sooooooooooooo many blogs on here now. I've read a few of them recently but I'd like to read every single one. I'm gonna read more next time I get the chance.

Well...I guess I'll go do my work out. I hope you are all happy and doing wonderful. I love you all XOXOXO.

I took this the other day. Me & my baby. My grandmother's dog...my dog. Molly. She is 13. She may not have long left I <3 her

oh my godness, u know i watched this soppy romance film called 'something borrowed' or something and i completely had an epiphany about love. u cant look for it because you will never find it. you have to wait for it to come to you

happiness is a beautiful thing

animals are the best friend .. this is true <3

you look so great!!!!

Thank you...

I hurt so intensely right now. I don't understand why people around me who deserve nothing are getting the few things I dream and long for. Giving up and fading away sounds like a perfect option. I just can't hold up this weight right now. This stupid fucking world. Why do I have to be in it and be this way and not get the one thing that I know need and deserve?

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Tara. I know life can be really unfair sometimes, but giving up isn't as perfect of an option as it seems to be right now. Things might be hard to handle, but other people are here for you and will help you carry some of the burden. Life might be sucking now, but it usually ends up being kind of a roller coaster... currently down but maybe about to rise up again. If it's something you need and deserve, you can get it eventually. It'll just take some patience and willpower.

I know, it feels so unfair. But these unfair things happen all the time, everywhere, to everyone, but it's especially sickening when those who don't deserve, get so much... It becomes personal when they get what you want. But I think the trick is to remember that you're an individual, and that you have your own life, own way, own path. You will get what you want, you just have to keep going.
Do those undeserving people even appreciate what they have? That feels empty to me. I know you would appreciate and be proud of yourself, so having reached the goal you desire seems more valuable. Usually a rocky path to a goal is better than to get everything ready. It builds your personality.

Sorry if my sentences are weird, I'm pretty tired and I feel like I'm talking like Yoda.

I just wrote out this whole fucking blog out and the computer went back a page and erased it all...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

ANYWAY...yet again...

Thank you beauties. You are both right. It's hard when you fall into a hole to see what is up there on the surface. All you can see is what your surrounded by; the dark. BUT I always find my way out. & Usually much quicker these days
Talking like Yoda bahaha. I think I do that a lot...in fact I think I just did. I think that's part of being who we are. We get a little too emo when expressing ourselves or trying to express things to others and end up all muschy and metapohorish/Yodaish You made sense.

I had a strange day yesterday. First I went to see a movie w/ 3 g/fs. I had soft dough petzels with dip. Nom nom nom! They made me watch Magic Mike with them lol. It wasn't quite as terrible as I thought it would be. At least they had good chorigraphy LOL.
I may be weird, I don't know, but I don't find male strippers all that appealing. Sure they are good looking but it does nothing for me. Meh.

Anyway, after the movie we went to one of the beaches and hiked a little of the east coast trail that is there. It was gorgeous. My home is so beautiful. Especially around the rugged and undeveloped land.
We started the trail and had to walk up these stone steps to get to the top of the cliff. On the way up (I was an idiot and was wearing sandals while hiking) I stubbed my toe on one of the slate rocks. It must have been a sharp one. I thought that was all I did...I didn't really feel much pain. So we continue walking and I start feel something wet and sticky in my sandal. I look down and there is blood everywhere. It was a whole lot. I couldn't see the cut or how bad it was but luckily I had some napkins in my pocket. They wanted to know if I wanted to go back to the car and I said naw it's fine I don't feel anything anyway. So on we went and it was fine. I found a stream to rinse it out. I'm glad I didn't go back because of all the beautiful scenery we saw. I appreciate that stuff so much. & If we had went back we would have missed the whale swimming around in the water below us. He was a smaller whale. Either an Orcha or a Minke. I think it was a Minke because from what I could see he had a very short dorsal fin. Orchas usually have a very long upright fin. Whatever it was I'm glad I saw him. I managed to get one picture of his back in the distance. He was very elusive.
Anyway, by this time I was glad we were heading back because my headache was getting really, really intense. I figured I was just dehydrated and I'd get a drink when we got back into the city and I'd be ok. So we did that and met up with some others in the park. I had my popsicle and my drink and felt like I was feeling a little better, when all of a sudden I had to boot it to he park washrooms where I threw up my guts. Again I figured it was dehyration because after that I felt fine. So we stayed and chatted in the park for a little bit and I started to feel worse again. My headache came back and so did my nausea. All I could do was sit there and try not to be sick so we headed back.
The car ride was like hell for me by then. I felt every bump and every smell made me want to die lol. I couldn't even look down at my phone screen to read text messages.
FINALLY I was home and I got in there and I just started vommiting over and over again even when I had nothing left in my stomach. It was horrible. I took my temp and I didn't even have a fever. It was normal.
I got in bed and passed up and only woke up a few minutes ago.
Sorry for all the puke talking lol. I just thought it was very strange. I mean, I get the stomach flu usually once a year and I am prone to headaches but to have the two of them together like that and the way it happend was weird. Especially since I had no fever an I always get one.
My toe seems to be better. It's a pretty deep cut. I must have hit a couple nerves in order to not have felt much. Any deepr and I think stitches would be in order.
I'm feeling alright now. No headache, no nausea. But I still don't feel entirely myself.
Has this ever happend to anyone else? The slowly building up headache followed the sudden and extreme stomach sickness? I felt so weird...I can't even describe the other feeings that came with it.

Anyway, enough rambling. Maybe I'll post a couple pics from our hike later. It would be nice if we had a photo galery option on here.

P.s. Something else a little strange happened to me while hiking. I saw this little mossy clearing off the trail. It was very small and the trees kinda folded over it like a roof just above my head. I felt like I had to go in there, it looked so perfectly beautiful/creepy. I went in and the girls were just a little ahead on the other part of the trail looking out on the water. I looked around looking for pretty things to take pictures of. It was full of different pretty flowers and low lying plants and moss and old stumps with things growing out of them. Beautiful & I look up and on this little old tree in front of me there was a little stub of branch that has rotted or been crack off years ago maybe. & On it hung this little knot of wood. Perfectly placed, hanging on this little nub of branch. It was like a little stick that was bent into the shape of a ribbon. You know how those ribbons are shaped...like an awareness ribbon, just like that. Very strange. First of all, who put it there. Maybe someone else who dsicovered the little clearing like I did, maybe not. Why would anyone hang that there? Second how did a stick get to be this shape? Very odd looking. So I said it was a gift especially for me and I took it home. I know. I'm weird. But that's ok. Going to go put it on my window legde now with some other things.

It's shaped like this:

[/i]I know how you feel.I went walking to the store and had on my sandal's and i must have cut my toe.Or hit it on something.didn't bleed much just hurted for the rest of the day.i learned not to weare sandals going that far.LOL.I'm sorry to here you were not feeling good..hope ur feeling better now.[i]

Tara wrote:It is amazing you know. I read a couple of my really old blog posts. I was in such a bad place in my mind and in such shitty situations.
It makes me sad to read that and have all of those old feelings come rushing back but at the same time I have to laugh at how lame I was at the time and how great I feel now
People always say that to you don't they; "You'll look back on this and laugh one day". You usually say to yourself...or them..."Yeah, fucked if I'll ever do that!" but we always end up doing it down the road.
I must be 100x stronger these days. Back then if something went wrong my heart would be broken and so would I. I'd fall to peices and everything would be dark and I'd want to leave this life forever.
But now look at me. Things still go wrong, I still feel lonely at times, I still miss certain people a little at times, but I am slowly working on improving that every day. & When something goes wrong now, I may cry for a moment, or feel a little sad, but then I say fuck it. I'm amazing and I am strong and I won't let it affect my happiness.
Another building block to the foundation that is the new me: getting rid of one of my medications.
I was never a big fan of them in the first place, but I needed them to help me function or I would for sure have had to be hospitilized or I would be dead.
First I was put on seroquel for bipolar and panic/anxiety disorder. It helped a little, but I was still suffering a great deal. Partly due to extreme stress.
After getting out of my stressful situation, getting rid of room mates who were poisoning my life and getting my own new apartment, lithium was added to the mix.
At first it stayed the same. I guess I blindly expected the medication to magically make me better. But eventually I realized that it wasn't so simple and I had to change my way of thinking and my way of life.
So I started to exercise and eat well. I started to push my anxiety's limits. I made myself do things I ws terrified of before (and these things were from ever day little things people do all the time to my phobias). I tried my best to think positive and to keep busy.
It was tough at first, but once I got used to it being this way it became extremely natural to me. Now this is how I am. & I'm finally, for the first time in my life, not afraid to be who I feel I am on the inside.
I am happy and I am free.

I feel super touched and inspired to read this. And so proud of you for coming so far and becoming comfortable with yourself, because I know it can be so hard. Good for you, Tara!!

Tara wrote:They made me watch Magic Mike with them lol. It wasn't quite as terrible as I thought it would be. At least they had good chorigraphy LOL.
I may be weird, I don't know, but I don't find male strippers all that appealing. Sure they are good looking but it does nothing for me. Meh.

Magic Mike? Oh no XD

I don't find male strippers that appealing either! The whole idea of strippers is just boring to me, it doesn't matter who they are, or who you are, they're always going to do the same thing, which is commercially sexy.. and that's all. It's just like... yeah, whatever, you look like every other cookie cutter hot person in the world. I could watch that on tv. Who cares.

I'm super envious that you live in a place where you can see whales! That's awesome.

Thank you girls
I actually found out that I had heat exhaustion. I'm very lucky because it can turn deadly quite quickly. It can happen so easily as well.
Our weather has been very hot this summer for the first time in a few years so I guess I just wasn't prepared.
All I had to drink that day were diet drinks and coffee and we didn't really plan to go hiking it just kind of happened.
So basically I was out in the hot sun for most of the day, totally dehydrated and hiking and losing even more fluids.
It was one of the worst physical illnesses I've felt. Wear hats and drink lots of fluids!

I don't find male strippers that appealing either! The whole idea of strippers is just boring to me, it doesn't matter who they are, or who you are, they're always going to do the same thing, which is commercially sexy.. and that's all. It's just like... yeah, whatever, you look like every other cookie cutter hot person in the world. I could watch that on tv. Who cares.

Exactly. I feel the same way. I may go to a strip club on rare occassions when everyone else is going for a laugh but...yeah...it doesn't make my night or anything lol.

I'm super envious that you live in a place where you can see whales! That's awesome.

I love it so much We get all kinds of whales; Humpbacks, Minkes (The whale I saw the other day), Belugas, Orchas (Rarely). We get porpuses often as well (They are very similar to dolphins but not dolphins if you don't know). There are sharks too and sea turtles, sea birds, all kinds of things. & Imagine that's just the ocean part. I love my home.

Here is the whale we saw on the cliff below us the other day before I got sick. He is a Minke whale. They are small, well small in whale terms lol. Still very large. He was very elusive so this was the only pic I could get of him (Or her).
What your looking at is his dorsal fin (I think that's how you spell it), a little of his back and the white mark possibly a fin or just a marking.



Here are a few other random pics from that hike





















BELOW: These little hollows and clearning were everywhere along the trail. The pictures of the stumps and things you've seen have been in them. But I couldn't even begin to capture how pretty they were inside.



LOLS...this picture is silly...my friends are weird









<3's my home!

WOW. Newfoundland is incredibly beautiful.

Heat exhaustion is scary! I'm glad you're ok now.

Wow, all of those pictures look gorgeous! You're lucky to live in such a beautiful place.

pretty pictures

Thanks all.

I feel so strange. The past week er so I have felt amazing. More alive and content then I think I ever have.
I've been realizing that the years of my life spent with my controlling/abusive ex and then the years I spent right after that being coddled by "him" I lost my ability to have natural and easy interactions with people.
I realized how nervous I was when I'd meet someone new, or see someone I hadn't seen in a while, or go on a date. I found it extremely difficult to make conversation with most people. It was the most extreme awkwardness and shyness and I wasn't like it to near that degree before.
It's only the past two weeks that I've noticed I'm getting that ability back. I'm seeing and talking to old friends. I'm not nervous. I'm chilled, I'm funny, I'm charismatic.
I have this thing called involuntary tremors. It's where I (usually my hands mostly) shake a lot. Especially when trying to keep still, straining, or nervous. & That's been barely happening at all either.
I'm easily able to stand up for myself and say what's on my mind. I'm not afraid of nearly half the things I was months ago. I've even kicked a few people to the curb (without remorse) that were, let's just say, not enhancing my life experience
I think I can finally say with confidence that I am simply happy to be. I haven't had any bad thoughts since I wrote that last nego blog and that only lasted a few hours and I felt fine again.
It's like I'm just starting to really know what it's like to live and be content living.
You've got to understand my whole life, from being a toddler, up until now I have constantly been in pain and usually wanting to die. Up until a few years ago I didn't know that that wasn't normal. I thought that it was just the way people felt. I know it's sounds completley fucked and very hard to understand but that's how it was.
I didn't have any way to know that life could be any better. I was born into pain so naturally I thought it was the same for everyone.
So now that the pain is so minimal I have no idea what to think LOL. Like I said, it's like I've never been alive until right now. & I have so many people to thank for helping me feel this way. In a big way or small way, including some of you, here, for listening and trying to be supportive It made a difference when I couldn't find anyone here on my rock to listen.

I know I ramble on about this stuff all the time but it's all I've known until now
The only thing that hurts me now is guilt. Guilt for all of the pain I have caused. To a couple people in particular. I realize that it wasn`t my fault and that I couldn`t help it. But the fact is that I did do it. & No amount of I'm sorries can ever fix it or take it back.
Now that my head is so clear all that I'm feeling at this moment is pain for them and the time I took away from them, the things I said that may have hurt them so badly. Tears that are being shed purley because I caused them to feel what I felt for a moment or for longer. & They can never, ever know how badly I wish I'd never done any of it. Some of them will never even have an idea at all. That hurts the most.
But all I can do is shed my tears and move on. & I know I will do just that and that I will be perfectly fine.
There are wonderful things to come <3

wow, your photos are so wonderful and inspiring

Tara, you know I believe in you so much. I know that I write so late but you need to know that I love you and wish you the best.

How do you feel right now?

Thank you sweetness I need to take some time soon when I get a chance and read some blogs (Yours included).

I feel wonderful right now. I will never be able to describe how amazing it is for me to actually feel socially normal and almost mentally sound.
It's just so easy now I don't see how I didn't figure this out a long time ago.
Life is going wonderful. I'm hanging with old freinds again, strengthening relationships with current ones and I'm making new ones.
I'm no longer worrying about if I'll ever have someone to love or not again. I am just leaving it up to nature. I feel so light and breezy !
Been so busy working and planning a big surprise party and hiking and staying active and just living and feeling good while I'm doing it. Lolsss

How are YOU feeling Natt? <3

You're welcome. And thanks, right now I'll read something because I don;t have time last time for it, but I planned wrote about something,

I’m so happy that you feel wonderful. You deserve for it so much!!! So proud of you

I’m still weird…

Lol...Oh Natt Thank you honey.

I have been so happy lately. Life is good and it's still getting better.
I go through fazes were I forget about TOL and then I remember and think oh crap. I hate being out of touch. You guys are awesome
I've been so busy and living a full life finally. It's just a wonderful feeling.
I've been sticking fast to my raw food diet and my excercise and I believe that it has made a huge impact on my health physically and mentally.

I hope everyone had a wonderful summer. The weather here has been crazy. It's been almost constantly sunny and hot and really, really humid. I don't so much like the humid part. But last summer was crap so I do appreciate it. We didn't have much rain is the only thing so it was a hard year for grass, plants, trees and flowers.

So it's fall now and usually it would be freezing already but it's still nice and warm. I'm sure that will change soon though and suddenly so I am trying to take advantage of it while I can.

Anyway, I need to go eat some dinner because it's getting late.

Goodnight everyone. XO

I feel amazing things about to come. Not only for me, but for others close to me as well. I hope they do.
I feel like I'm glowing inside and comes out in my eyes. Like finally, my fire has been lit <3

I was thinking... Do you eat avocados? If so, how do you eat them? Because I once tried one, and the taste wasn't really to my liking... I've never eaten them anywhere, so I don't know how to use them. I'd like to learn though.
I just found this recipe that I'd like to try, and I thought I'd share it with you since it involves no cooking and is easy to make:
http://www.picklesnhoney.com/2012/03/28/chilled-cucumber-avocado-soup/
If you decide to try it, please tell me what it's like (I'm hoping the cucumber will cover the taste of avocado) xD

^I can't say I've ever eaten an avocado before. It's one of those things I have no idea what to do with. I have, however, had them in guacamole and things like that and it was super yummy.
Looks like a very interesting recipe. I might have to try it. & if I do I will let you know what I thought.

I go through phases where I am on here alllll the time and then I won't be on here for months. I'm so random
Life is going wonderful. In fact I'm doing so well that I'm weeing away one of my medications because I no longer need it. The less chemicals and unnatural things going into my system the better. I can't wait until it's completely gone. Apparently it's been one of the things that has been holding me back and making me trapped, living inside my head way too much.
I feel a huge difference every time another 50mg is taken off. It's like weight being lifted from me and I feel free to openly express myself, be myself and be loving and supportive to others without even having to think about what I'm saying or doing.
I feel all glowy, motivated, happy and just full of life more then I have ever been my entire life. & Because I have finally almost completely grown into who I was always meant to be, I've got more friends and a deeper connection to the ones I already had. I also feel something else developing...but I won't go there until it's solid.
I had more tests done and I apparently have motor disgraphia (Meaning that when my brain sends a message to my body to move or react, it's slow responding) which may be caused by the meds that I'm getting rid of. I also have a serious learning disability in math. There is a term for it but I can't remember it.
Other then those things, I came out above average in everything. I'm in the 75th percentile. So damned proud of myself.
& Because they discovered I have these other issues on top of the anxiety and bipolar, I'm going to be getting a grant for school and a laptop purchased for me. Plus other little awesome details. So I'll be FINALLY going back to school in either January or September. I'll be doing office administration and hopefully get a job with an oil company or law firm.
I'm so happy and I appreciate my life so much. I know I'm so fucking sappy but every single day I think about how lucky I am. All of the wonderful people in my life, the wonderful people that are becoming a part of my life, every opportunity I get, every talent I have, my beautiful home and all of the beautiful things in it. There aren't many people who have as much as I do and I feel so shitty for having so much when so many have so little but I try to appreciate it with all of my heart.
I wish everyone could be as happy as I am these days, especially all of you <3

wow! That's awesome.Happy for you

Thanks Krissy <3

I'm so...what are the words here? Shocked, hurt, helpless? I've known this guy for 20 years. Yes you read that right.

20. Fucking. Years.

Obviously, we've known each other a very long time and have been friends for a very long time. Recently I've been reconnecting with a lot of people from my past and becoming friends again since I'm doing so well and coming out of my head more and more these days. This person was one of them. So we've been hanging out once a week or so and he'll take me for a ride on bike sometimes or go get some food and whatever. He also confides in me about girls and vents about how he can't seem to find one that doesn't play games, or lead him on, or isn't mental etc. & I listen and try to comfort him and advise him best I can.
So a few weeks ago he starts giving me these very vague hints that he likes me. I haven't had much recent experience in this area, I'm only now becoming myself and getting back on my feet. So I wasn't sure if I was even interpreting it right or how/if I should respond. So I didn't really pay it much attention. Especially because in the past there have been 2 or 3 occasions where he told me he "liked" me and he was supposed to take me on a date but he just disappeared. Yes I know, we were teenagers, it was like 10 years ago but I really didn't intend on pursuing anything other then friendship with him.
Anyway, We were supposed to hang out last week and go see a movie (I NEVER implied or said it was a date and even insisted on paying for myself). So the weeks before we were supposed to do this every now and then he'll be out for a jog (He lives like a 15 minute walk from me) and he'll text me and ask if he can drop over for a chat. So normally I'll say yes, sure. This last time however I said to him very politely "I'm not really up for company atm hun, I've got a bit of a headache and I'm just lying down here". Does that sound offensive or anything to anyone? Because it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Anyway, he didn't say anything. & I figured oh whatever he's out for his jog just read the text and left.
So then the next week rolls around and were supposed to go to a movie and he is nowhere to be found. I figured maybe he forgot but whatever it's not that big of a deal. So the week gos on and no word from him.
FINALLY the other day I get a text from him and he says "What's up?" and I swear to god all I said was "Not too much just relaxing before bed, you?" (This being like 10:300 or 11:00 on a week night btw) and you know the reply I get??? He says "Fuck off!" and that's it. I couldn't believe my eyes LOL. All I could think to say was "Ooooooookkkkkk then..." and then a few minutes later I texted "If you have a problem with me I suggest you spill it. We've been friends for a really long time and I don't want you to be mad at me". & He never replies. So then I see on Facebook all of a sudden literally two seconds after this texting he puts this status up "What the hell is wrong with you women? All the women I date are the same" Or something along those lines. Quite OBVIOUSLY it was about me. I don't know what in the fuck I did to him...or why he assumed we were dating...judging by his mentalcake behavior and the status for some reason it looks like he thought we were. There was no discussion at all whatsoever about us "dating". I didn't lead him on in any way. I never ever told him I even liked him like that. Not to mention I did NOTHING for him to talk to me that way in the first place. I had a headache and wasn't up for company one time and I deserve to be ignored? Then I don't even say or do anything and I get told to fuck off, get ignored and have a status posted about me that doesn't even really apply to me? I'm really confused? I am shocked and blown away. He's never been mean to me all our lives and I can't figure why the hell he would assume all on his own that we were dating. Doesn't make a lick of sense and it really hurts my feelings. You think you know a person...oh well...if he talks to me now I don't know if I want to talk to him at all or let him explain any of this. I don't deserve any of this crap.
I've got much better coming my way. I can feel it and I can see it Seems like I've always got a special person in my life. & It seems like the most special one was saved for this time in my life when I could truly appreciate them.
I'm not going to hold on to people who confuse and hurt me and drive me insane anymore. I don't care how long I've known them.

Wow, that's so ridiculous! I'm sorry about your friend. I have no idea what was going on in his mind, but it sounds like there was a lot of miscommunication and misinterpretation. And you're right, you don't deserve that nonsense. It's good to let go of people that hurt you. I hope that special person comes into your life soon

Oh wow O_o Seems to me he's the one who's mental, maybe there's nothing wrong with the girls he's dated. Maybe he makes things up and has expectations/delusions, and when things don't go like he thought, he gets angry. I guess he really thought you were dating. Or he just doesn't like being rejected/told "not now", typical boyish and childish behavior :/
This is just a misunderstanding, I'd suggest you don't get mad at him (too much, you still have the right to be mad after being treated like that) and try to explain your point of view... If he still doesn't understand, fuck him. It's his problem if he can't communicate :)

oh wow.not cool.i agree it sounds like a miusunderstanding.he shouldn't have gone all mad on you

Thanks beauties It's nice to have conformation that I'm not being a bitch and I have a good reason to be confused. He hasn't spoken to me and I asked him once nicely what his problem was and he didn't answer, so I'm certainly not going to pursue it.
I'm not going to get angry, no matter what happens. I'm trying a new approach to things like this. Just let it go. It's a waste of energy. & He's ruined our friendship now by showing me that he's obviously not stable or mature enough to have my company.

Seems to me he's the one who's mental, maybe there's nothing wrong with the girls he's dated. Maybe he makes things up and has expectations/delusions, and when things don't go like he thought, he gets angry.

^That's exactly what I'm thinking. The whole thing is so sad. But I guess it just means he's not meant to be in my life anymore.

Tara wrote:
I'm not going to hold on to people who confuse and hurt me and drive me insane anymore. I don't care how long I've known them.

Tara wrote:He hasn't spoken to me and I asked him once nicely what his problem was and he didn't answer, so I'm certainly not going to pursue it.
I'm not going to get angry, no matter what happens. I'm trying a new approach to things like this. Just let it go. It's a waste of energy. & He's ruined our friendship now by showing me that he's obviously not stable or mature enough to have my company.

Good for you, Tara! He sounds a little...erm... bat shit crazy. Don't worry about him, you didn't do anything to deserve him flying completely off the handle like that. I'd go so far as to ask if he got his texts confused or something? Like he thought he was talking to someone else? But if you've tried to explain to him I guess he's just a little immature or something. He's not worth it.

Oh and your new picture is especially pretty by the way

Thank you sweetie

I haven't spoken to him since he told me "fuck off". He never did answer my text and he's never attempted to talk to me about it...so that's it.

I have such a heavy heart right now. I could cry. If it wasn't bad enough to lose one friend now I've lost another in the same month.

I have a friend who is a very different kind of person. He is a little older then us and he doesn't have many friends. He was raised with a very abusive father and he seemed to connect with me. We seemed to understand each other. I gave him a chance and became his friend and my friends became his friends. We had fun together, go for hikes and stuff.
Then I had my best friend came to me and tell me something an apparently very reliable person had told her. They had warned her about him and a couple things he had supposedly done in the past. They felt I needed to know because I was closest to him and make a decision for myself what to do about it.
These accusations are very serious ones. One of them is that he became a bit obsessed with a girl he used to be close to, said they were dating when they weren't, and when she denied it he bet her up. The second was that he attempted to rape a 12 year girl a few years ago.
my logic is like this; people don't go around accusing people of such things unless they are true (I'm sure it's happened but very rarely), second (although I don't put much trust in anyone these days) this person is supposed to be a very genuine and honest individual. But the biggest thing that bothers me and makes me think that it could be true is that this guy was raised by his very abusive (physically and mentally) father and therefore is a psychopath (Meaning he never properly formed a bond with a person so therefore he doesn't have much emotion towards them...basically...so look it up lol) because of it. Now don't jump to thinking he's Michael Myers or anything like that. There are many psychopathic people living normal lives everywhere who've never harmed anyone. They just have a hard time loving and accepting love, etc. But yes, there are plenty who harm other people and even kill.
So you see my dilemma. I really don't think I can risk being around him. Let alone being alone in the woods in the middle of nowhere with him again. I feel so terrible but what choice do I have? I really don't want to leave him alone. I mean I am one of the few people on this earth that understand him and that he has a bond with. But I also have a hard time trusting people. & When I have information that is 95% chance it is true that is so serious I have to follow my gut, not my heart.
I'll just have to write him a letter and very kindly explain to him that I enjoyed having him as my friend, he was a good friend to me, and a good listener but for reasons I can't say I just can't be his friend anymore. Basically. I'll be more detailed then that...and I'll wait a little while longer to think on it and maybe find some more information. But I think It's going to have to end.
So sad. I've lost two dear friends in one month. Just when I was gaining so many for the first time. I have others of course but it still hurts.
Fuck November...bring on December please.

If you really are close, maybe you should ask him about it first? If you're too scared, it doesn't have to be in person. But I know I've had people spread some pretty sick, twisted, and extremely untrue rumors about me that were really hurtful and spread by people that I had thought were friends. He might (or probably will) deny it, but maybe he should at least know that people know what's he's done or what people are saying about him. I mean, I don't know the whole situation so maybe it doesn't apply... But if he's been a good friend to you, he should know the reasons why you should lose each other as friends.

I would ask him directly... Since those could be just rumors, a friend of a friend told something he supposedly did, and god knows where they heard it first... Maybe "information" gets blown out of proportion on the way? I hope so, since this person seems to be nice otherwise. And since he can't really connect with people, others are bound to see him a little freakish... So yeah, ask him. In a public place :P

We were starting to become close. We were pretty damned good friends. I haven't taken any action yet but I don't know if I'm going to. Now I just feel like I should let it go and just let the friendship fade out. Pretend I don't know anything at all and I'm just really busy, etc. But that is annoying when people do that, isn't it? I just really don't want to bring it up. I have no idea what kind of reaction I'll get. I'm a little frightened of the reaction actually. & Yes I could do it in a public place for my safety, but I know I'm still going to get some fucked up reaction that I really don't want to deal with. I don't even want to say what I've heard. He will deny it weather it's true or not. I don't say there are many people on this earth (Psychopath or not) that would outright say "Yeah, I sexually assaulted a child and bet the shit out of my friend but you can look the other way, right?". Sticky, awful situation. & If it is true, and I set him off, what is the likeliness that he may confront me later? He knows where I live, he knows where I work, he knows where I take the dogs I walk at work at night, alone. & I can't change the places I walk them because there's only so many places close to work I can go. He knows where my friends live, he knows places I hang out. He knows a LOT about my life and me.
The thing is, my instincts are telling me that it's true. I guess part of that has to do with his psychopathy. But my instincts have never steered me wrong before. I mean, never. Whenever I get a "feeling" or "intuition" about anything I'm always proven right. So I always trust what my gut is telling me.
I guess being kind hearted can sometimes screw you over. No more am I going to take a chance and become friends with anyone like this anymore. It's happened in the past and I've gotten hurt and now maybe (Not likely I guess but you never know) I could get hurt again, or worse. I think I'm done...I'm not going to be able to be so trusting anymore.

Good morning beauties! I'm so excited and a little nervous. In a few minutes I'm going with my friend to our tattoo appointment. I'm getting my right wrist fixed and the other wrist done to match
It'll feel soooooo good not to have this faded out blotchy lettering on my wrist anymore...and to be all complete.
Wish me luck. I will post pictures asap