From Dark To Light & Back Again

thats a really cool tattoo i got my moonmarks tattooed finally LOL!
ps ive got one on my foot and it did hurt a lot more than other ones but its still not THAT bad.. i guess it also depends on ur mindset, if u really want it, u'll suck it up

and u know, whenever u start feeling like that, work out or do smth that would get some bad energy out of u! ive even danced alone in my room with headphones in and just jumped around til ive been breathless! it helps

Thank you. I love it! You got a moonmark tattoo? Where did you put it? You should post a pic. I actually was going to get one as well. Been thinking about it for a while. Haven't decided the best place yet. I should probably get writing on my other wrist as well so it'll kinda match, ya know. Thinking about moonmarks going down my spine at the base of my neck. It would hurt so badly though. But like you said, if you want it bad enough you'll suck it up.

Working out helped me. Then I got on a mad cleaning spree and was awake til like 2AM though. I'm about to go on another one now, then work out. I need to get it out. I saw something today that made my heart hurt for a while...I've got to get over it and forget about it. It doesn't matter...all that matters right now is me.
Fuck other people and their rebound bullshit Lol.

Well I've been talking to "him" a lot lately. Seems the more I am distracted my my own life and doing what's best for me the more he wants to talk to me. And so it should be. We had a webcam chat for like 3 hours today until I had to leave. It's been at least a year since we've done that. It was nice. I think he likes my new attitude. I got compliments on that (He said I seem to be "Doing much better these days". I said I've realized over the past few months that myself and the people I love don't have to live in hell just because I am addicted to being miserable. Whoever first said "misery loves company" was dead on) and on the weight I've lost. He even brought up his relationship and I didn't feel like my heart was torn to bits. Of course I did get that little tingle of jealousy but I handled it. It didn't show through. I'm glad.
His grandmother died, so I hope that I helped him a little by distracting him for thinking about it. He's going to be starting a new job soon. I'm happy for him. I'm happy he's happy. Even if I think (or my heart would like to think) that his current relationship won't last. I've got to stop thinking that because it shouldn't be my concern weather it lasts or not. It's just that, when someone gets out a 5 year relationship, moves away and then immediately moves in with and becomes involved with the first girl who likes him...come on now...that's called rebound. Part of me loves to remind myself of that still, but I really do want him to be happy. I've got to shrink that little jealous part down until it's gone. I think I've realized that having him as my friend is more important to me then focusing on my broken heart. Having that one person to talk to that understands exactly where you are coming from is a treasure I'd rather not take for granted. I just hope he doesn't get hurt...or hurt this girl...by jumping in head first into that relationship. He doesn't even know her...she doesn't even know him. Let's hope they don't wind up killing each other not long down the road.
I find it funny whenever I talk to him he is always bringing up this guy that I am seeing. Every time. he always asks me questions about us. Is this jealousy, or is he just looking out for me? Hmmm...I dunno. Do you?
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It's my Grandfather's birthday so It'll be a busy day. I love those. They distract me from all the negativity I don't want to think about. I also love that a bunch of us will be there for supper. I love gatherings. I never used to, but now that I am healthier I enjoy it.
I have a small problem. I suppose it could be a big problem but I won't give into the hypochondria just yet. I'll have to start by going back when I was about 6 or 7 years old and living in my home town. I was helping my friend Anna take the garbage out when the bag rubbed against the back of my left leg. I felt this weird sting and I fell to the ground on my stomach. I looked back at my leg and I just saw this massive gaping cut. I could see my leg muscle throbbing and the layers of white tissue in my leg (Which kind of reminded me of stacked, very white, lasagna noodles...I know it's really fucking gross). Anyway, I saw the blood rushing up to the surface and I immediately went into shock. I just laid there in silence with tears streaming down my face while my friend ran into the house to get her parents. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. Her father came out and scooped me up and put something over my leg to help stop the bleeding. He put me in the car and picked my Mom up on the way to the clinic (It's a very small town so we didn't have a hospital, just a small local clinic with one doctor). He carried me in and they put me on the exam table, I still couldn't speak...still in shock I guess. They were talking to me the whole time but I can't remember what they were saying. I just felt needle after needle go into my leg. The nurse had to hold my leg down as every time a needle went in my leg would jolt up into the air. I wasn't doing it on purpose...seeing as I couldn't move or speak and all. I assume the needles were tetanus shots and a local anesthetic. The doctor sewed it up and after that I can't remember anything. I don't remember leaving the clinic or getting home. I just remember being home and my friend calling me crying because she was so scared. Poor thing. We were just kids.
Anyway, my leg healed and after a few weeks I got the stitches out. The problem was, this doctor was an idiot. I don't know how he got his medical license...maybe he just didn't practice stitching up wounds...I don't know...but he did a horrible job. When you get stitches you should only have a very thin barley visible line. From what I've seen anyway. Anyone I've ever known who has has a cut, small or big (unless it was from some sort of major surgery), it's always been a small little line. My scar is very thick and it feels like there is almost space underneath it. if you look closely you can even see all of the needle marks. I'll post a pic down at the end of this post with my finger along it so you can see how big it is. It's almost as big as my finger. I don't know if you can see the needle marks but you'll get the idea of how icky this scar looks. It's kinda hard to see in a pic.
Anyway, finally getting to my point about this scar, ever since I started working out and doing cardio the area from the scar down all around my leg has been aching and throbbing. I've been doing what I'm supposed to be doing and keep the weight and impact evenly onto each foot as they hit the floor. I've been stretching...just doing everything I'm supposed to and the pain won't go away unless I stop the cardio. My family was always kinda pissed at the job he did on my leg and they think that maybe the scar might have something to do with this pain. Like maybe the muscle around and under is deteriorating because of the shit job he did. It's kind of scary. I'm going to go to the doctor and find out what's wrong. I hope it's just something I'm doing wrong that I've missed and not because of the muscle. It's frightening to think that your leg muscle could be going to shit. It's not hard to believe either. Anyway...i really hope I don't have to stop the cardio because I'm on fire with dropping this weight.

Here's a pic of my scar...this is NOT how a clean cut should look after being stitched up by a "professional". Anyone else have a scar to compare it to?

Haa :D Punch a pillow if you feel rage! Or go outside and kick boulders or lamp-posts. Don't take it out on things that might break :D
Screaming into a pillow is also good. From the top of your lungs.

Have fun tonight! I'll be having a couple of friends over, and we'll go to a bar, too :P

Your entry without the use of the space bar is awesome.

Hahaha. Thanks. You can give the broken keyboard credit for that one...um...and me for breaking it LOL

MissTJ wrote:Thanks! We had a fucking blast. It was a good time! Lots of card games and laughs. How was your night?

I had a lot of fun, too! We were supposed to play cards at the bar as well, but everybody magically forgot x) So we just talked shit and laughed. This one guy seemed to like me, he kept staring at me and hugging me O_o I'm sure he knows I'm engaged (ring!), since he wished me "have a nice rest of your life" in the end O_o
I mostly drank Jägermeister, but I also had a glass of absinthe. The hangover wasn't that bad, surprisingly. When I woke up, I went to the bathroom and then to the kitchen to get something to drink, when suddenly my vision went away. All I saw was the black and white noise you see on TV. I tried to go back because I felt like throwing up, but I couldn't find the doorway and I fell down xD My vision came back after lying down for a while, so I was able to go to the bathroom again. I didn't even throw up that much, and after that I was fine. Weak, but fine :DD

Yay, I love Metallica and SOAD, too :D Rob Zombie as well, though I haven't listened to his stuff that much. Just Dragula xD
Allow me to present to you a few metal(ish) songs/bands I like.. You may have seen me post some these somewhere before O_o











^ Ooh, I get goosebumps from this last one!

Your vision went away? Man that is weird. Probably worth getting checked out.
I've never tried Jager or absinthe (We don't get the real stuff here, just a cheap knock off). I was drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade and some weird vodka spritzer thingys. They were both so yummy. Mike's Hard isn't as sickly as it used to be. Less sugar now I think.
I have been blessed with the genetic gift of almost never getting hang overs. I had one once but I deserved it. I drank way too much and I was polluted. I couldn't stand up w/ out swaying back and fourth and everything was extremely blurry. Lol. I don't like to get THAT drunk...ruins the night.
It's always nice to get hit on! Even if you are "attached". Makes you feel good. Unless they go too far...then I tend to get a bit bitchy, hehe.
I will have to check these songs out when I'm done cleaning. Thanks:) <3

Yeah, it was like that feeling of nausea when you stand up too quick... Maybe it was something similar, just a lot stronger :D It came when I had walked around a bit. Maybe my circulation was activated, or it was malfunctioning. Could have been lack of sugar in my blood as well or something.. If it happens again, I'll go see a doctor :)
We don't get the real absinthe, either. I'd like to try it, though, could be interesting. And it probably would taste different, now it tastes like nail-polish remover!
I don't get hung-over that often, really. And this last one was just weird xD I haven't thrown up because of alcohol in ages. I know when to stop drinking.
Getting hit on does feel nice xD Makes me think: "maybe I'm not that ugly after all, if someone other than my fiancé is interested in me" :DD Especially if the guy is good looking. This one really wasn't x) I mean, not ugly either, just not what I usually find attractive. It just made me miss my fiancé, I'm so head over heels for him :3

honey, i love so much your posts... i will try tommorow reas all.. i promise

^Forace
Hmmm, nail polish remover. Doesn't sound very yummy. Lol. Maybe I'll pass on the imitation absinthe.
Awww that's so sweet. Wish I had someone worth missing:)
P.s. You are so not ugly! Don't ever think you are.

^KerliPoland
Thanks. Flattered that you like my blogs.

Now...I am exhausted and going to bed even though it's not even 9:30. I had four hours of sleep last night and was up at 7am because my 5 year old cousin was sick and couldn't go to daycare so she came over here for the day. She's such an amazing little girl. So smart and a breeze to look after. She's feeling much better now.
Night, night, babes xo

i saw u were talking about drinking and stuff. i never used to be the person to throw up even if i had way too much to drink - but now, i know my limit and i usually stay UNDER the limit and in the end of the evening im still hugging the toilet. how pathetic is that

anyway i hope you had a good night sleep and the little girl keeps getting better

Many strong booze smell and taste like nail-polish remover :D Ethanol, yummy.
It's funny how I'm still all giddy about my fiancé, even after 4 and a half years. He sure can be an idiot at times, but he's my idiot ^^
I know I'm not ugly. I don't think like that anymore. There was a time when I felt like the ugliest thing ever, but I'm over that. Sure, I still sometimes have those thoughts, but usually in the beginning of my period, so I realize it's because of hormones :D
I've never been on a plane! And I really want to have a bathtub, too ;_; I imagine having these awesome bubble baths and candles and incense...
Did you like any of the songs, btw? x)

Now I'm even more giddy about my fiancé :O It was drunk-talk, but I believe he spoke the truth this time. He said "you're the only one for me". He has never said that before. Usually when he comes home drunk, we have some idiotic fight about music or something, and he passes out. He has threatened to leave me a couple of times xD But that was drunk-talk also, he has always been all kiss kiss hug hug the next morning. And at those times he had been angry at me for some reason. But this last time was weird, he was all nice and kept looking into my eyes and hugging me :')
He also said that it doesn't matter if our tastes in music are different (his is black/death metal, I'm more into thrash and industrial. And Kerli :B). The only thing we fight about. And now it doesn't matter. Weird :D We'll see how things go the next time he comes home drunk xD

I understand, some bands I don't "get" on one listening. Like Macabre, the first time I heard it I thought "what the hell is wrong with this guy?! His singing is all weird!" but now, I think it's the most original and awesome singing ever. Really, I have never heard anything like it!

We have a shower here. At least I can change the shower curtain to make it prettier :3
I'm sooo getting my own house, with a bathtub and a fireplace!

I read your whole text, and I must say... It made me cry :< So sad and so beautiful at the same time. I have not experienced anything similar to this, so I can't really say anything to make you feel better or anything. I can only say, that you deserve someone, who's nice to you. Someone who'll say "you're the only one for me". And.. I think this guy is not the one for you. I got this feeling, that he's one of those guys who go from girl to girl, and are never really alone. I'm sure you love was/is real, but you can do better. I hope you're not fooling yourself with the fantasies about him coming back to you, when he sees how you're in great shape and all that. Ehh, I don't know... Maybe your relationship could work better now that you're not freaking out all the time :D
How did his previous relationship get cold? Was she freaking out as well? Or maybe she was otherwise difficult. Maybe his feelings will alway get cold, no matter who he's with. He may get into a lot of relationships, and move to the next one when things get cold... Hard to say, because I don't know him personally :/
I'd probably do this: I'd continue working on making myself better and better, and see how he reacts when he comes to visit. Then I'd see how things go from there; either let go completely and concentrate on life, or get back together.
So yeah... just wait and see :)

^That's so sweet. It seems like you guys will be great together. Everyone blurts out stuff they mean and stuff they don't mean when there drunk. It's easier to communicate your true emotions when your guard is down with alcohol.

I got this feeling, that he's one of those guys who go from girl to girl, and are never really alone.

^That has crossed my mind. I try to tell myself this at times, because it may very well be true, even though I don't really want to believe it.
A big part of me doubts that we'll ever be anything, but like I said there's always this nagging feeling of don't give up. But I've gotta push it out. It isn't doing me any good right now. There's also this little mean part of me in my head that thinks it'll be wonderful if he sees the new (or the “grown”) me and regrets leaving. Almost like I'd take pleasure in waving it in front him, like, “look what you missed out on and your never gonna get it” type thing. It makes me feel guilty for thinking it but at the same time I just want it to happen. What a bitch, lol. Then there's the opposite...what if he does fall in love again and gain those feelings back, but I talk with him that he's gotta earn it and everything turns out like I want.
Ugh, fuck. I've gotta push those thoughts away, too, I know.

How did his previous relationship get cold? Was she freaking out as well? Or maybe she was otherwise difficult. Maybe his feelings will always get cold, no matter who he's with. He may get into a lot of relationships, and move to the next one when things get cold.

^The woman he was with was 10 years older than him...and a big prude. Sex (or lack there of) and age tend to ruin relationships, or so I've seen. She is a very calm person. She's very sweet. She doesn't freak out but she was very passive aggressive and that also got on his nerves. Like you know when someone gets irritated and they speak to you in that really annoying “fake sweet” sort of voice.
It has also crossed my mind that maybe he just gets tired of people eventually and maybe he does. That's another thing I try to convince myself of, to help me lose these feelings.

I'm going to continue improving myself and my life regardless of him. If he vists and things change, that's ok, if not...so be it. I've just got to forget about this whole stupid mess and the feelings I'm stuck with and get the fuck over it.
Writing about it helps soooo much and I'm flattered that you were so touched by that story. It makes me feel good to know that my words actually got through to someone and I managed to share the emotion of it.
Hopefully soon when I'm ready I'll find someone else, but I've learned I can't love and give myself to someone else completely until I've gotten over these feelings AND learned to love myself entirely.

*Sigh* well, on with the struggle. Although I feel much better today then when I wrote this.

^So much for what I just wrote about feeling better. He just put a picture of the two of them up on his profile and I saw it and it was like someone dropped an anvil into my stomach. I feel sick.
This needs to stop. I know it sounds so cheesy...but if anyone reads this say a prayer for me...or send me out some nice vibes, please. I just lost every ounce of strength I had today with one glace. I need to go be by myself and gain it back...watch something funny. :*(

I was replying to you yesterday, but I somehow lost the page when I was trying to open a new one for Google translate and lost all I had written xD
Now, what was it I wanted to say...? :DD

Does he know how you feel about him and his statuses/pictures? It seems he doesn't realize he's hurting someone with them, since he's sooo in love. I guess all relationships begin like that; your significant other is the most beautiful/handsome and the most awesome person everrr. Give it a few months and they'll be at each other's throats :D It seems most relationships end like that. Some die sooner, some later. This got me thinking, that maybe you didn't get a proper closure when you ended your relationship? You didn't get to spend aaall hoours of the day of the week with him, and you didn't get to see his yucky and stupid habits :D
I don't know if he has yucky or stupid habits, but I have the thought that all men do xD ... Women as well, hehe.

Can you delete him from your friends list? Would he get mad at you? Or block his statuses and pictures :3

It seems he's happy with this girl he's with now... You really should listen to your brain and let go completely :/ Be thankful to him that he helped you get better. Supergirl :D

So you just keep on going, you're doing so great! I want you to know that I'm super proud of you for having lost a lot of weight and that you have the willpower to keep at it :3 You inspire me to do my own exercises as well!

Heh, now I didn't even need Google translate! xD I wonder what the word was I was going to use yesterday... O_o

I haven't expressed to him how those pictures and status' make me feel. I figure if I do it'll just push him further away and I don't want to do that anymore. Besides, it's his account and he can put up whatever he wants. I don't think he realizes it's affecting me because I've been trying to not show it. He's all "in love" and just wants the world to know I guess like most of us. I've put him through enough. When he first moved up there I kind of freaked a little, you know. I asked him if he had stayed, would we have had a chance to start something and he said "I don't know" (which is probably a no that he didn't want to actually say) and he got all emotional and said "I hurt you didn't I". Then I just sorta went away and took some time to myself because I knew I wasn't helping anything being upset and I just had to let him be. So that's what I've been doing since then. We still talk and everything, were good friends like always but I know I screwed up the "love" in it with my freak outs and neediness. He's been commenting on how different I am lately and how I seem to be doing much better than I was. I'm glad he notices. He never mentions anything about his relationship so I think he is trying to be respectful of my feelings there. Deleting him isn't really an option...he'd probably be very hurt, after all we've been through. I just need to be tough and suck it up. Besides, maybe if I keep seeing it I'll get used to it and eventually it won't seem so strange and horrible to me.
He has bad habits of course! I am aware of many of them but I'm sure there are more.
Your right though. I have to listen to my brain. I think now I'm finally ready to forget about loving him, just be his friend and continue to heal.

My weight loss is still going great. I feel awesome. Thanks for the words.

I'm so glad I have people like you on here to vent and to listen to things I can't get the courage to talk to friends and family about. It helps so much.

Here's a new pic from the other day, my face is FINALLY getting some shape back again! I'm fucking psyched. Hello cheek bones, I missed you!



Now I'm off to get a bubble bath and get all squeaky clean n sexy, then off to bed Night, night!

I feel very strong today. Like the feeling of no one can hurt me. It feels very good and it feels right. I hope it sticks around for a while.

My weight loss is back on it's regular course. I am losing a pound a day again with healthy eating and regular exercise. Tomorrow morning (Fingers crossed) I should have broken the 160 barrier down to 159. I'm feeling so good that I bought a bikini to wear at the beach on my vacation. Hopefully when the time comes I'll be feeling confident enough to wear it and get a little color on my extremely white skin (Must be the Irish in me). I don't want to be overly dark though, just a nice light tan to minimize the scars and what not that I have.

I have an annoying problem. I have a lot of piercings. Tongue, belly, labret, nose and three times in each ear. I have no issues with any of them except for my ears. They have been done for almost ten years, but when I have earrings in even for a day they become badly infected. I've tried every type of metal you can think of; gold, silver, the cheap stuff, hypo allergenic, nickle free, none of it makes a difference. It occurred to me today that every other piercing I have is surgical steel. Maybe that's what I need for my ears as well. Also, maybe the earring backs irritate them as well. So somehow I've got to find six small surgical steel sleeper hoops that I can have in all the time. There aren't many places on this island that have something so specific for ears. Maybe I'll try Walmart, if I can't find any there then I'll try the piercing shops...but they are so expensive. My last resort will be ebay because I'd like to have them before I go to Europe. I hope I find some and it works because I won't be able to have earrings in anymore. It's just too painful. We'll see I guess.

Night, night everyone. Love to you all.

you. are. beautiful!

^Thank you, Mimi, that did me a lot of good to hear that. Btw so are you <3

So...I'm on two different medications for bipolar and all the other things that come with it...anxiety etc.
I've been on them for a while now and I am the happiest I've ever been. Of course not all of that is due to the meds alone. They are what started my healing but what made it really take off is realizing that I don't have to be miserable all the time just because I have an extremely over active brain and a big heart. I mean, I don't have to dwell on all the negative things and let the dark part of me win. You know, life is short so you might as well love, have fun and be happy. It's a struggle but that's it. Life is a struggle for everyone in different ways. We just have to be strong and fight everyday. If were not willing to do that then what's the point?
Anyway, this medication, I take at night. It makes me super drowsy to the point that I can't sit up and when I have to go to the bathroom walking sometimes makes me feel dizzy and nauseated. Plus I just hate the feeling when it starts to kick in. It's not gentle like a sleeping pill, it's sudden and overwhelming. It makes me feel like my heart is pounding while I'm lying there and it just feels gross. It doesn't take long to put me to sleep but it's a relief when it finally happens.
So that's one thing I've not been enjoying about it. The other thing is if I go out somewhere like I did last night, for overnight, I often forget the meds and then I can't sleep. I'll be lying awake all night tossing and turning and I won't sleep for even three minutes. So here I am now...I've been awake for 36 hours straight because I went out last night to babysit my god son, to give his parents a night to themselves, and I forgot them so I was awake the whole night watching movies. I couldn't even feel tired. Now I have to wait until at least 8 o clock to go to bed tonight so I won't sleep this whole day and be awake all night and sleep all day tomorrow. It's so frustrating. And heaven forbid I have a few drinks w/ my friends then take them. It feels like I'm dying when I'm falling asleep and I've been told that when that combination happens I freak out in my sleep, nightmares I suppose, literally moaning and swinging my arms around until they say something to me or touch me and I stop.
It's a big burden to have. It really frustrates me. I HATE not being able to fall asleep on my own, or go out and have fun without the bullshit. I don't want to be dependent on anyone or anything.
I have been considering stopping them but I am so afraid that if I do I'll lose all of the strength I've gained and go back to being the super moody and depressed bitch I was before I found help. I don't want to go back there to that hell. Screaming and crying every day and lashing out at people. It hurts my heart.
So I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I think I need to just relax and give it some deep thought.

I've been doing really well lately. Emotionally and physically. My fitness is going great, I'm now down into the 150's.
Today, however, I've got racing thoughts and a little pit of sadness deep down in my belly. It's not a huge deal, just this little nagging in my brain. It's one of those times you feel like you need to cry just a little to get some relief. It's also one of those times that the tears just won't come. It's so frustrating when I can't cry when I feel like it's necessary. I deal with that a lot. Sometimes numbness is worse then just feeling sad.
I guess I've got a lot on my mind. My trip is getting closer and I'm so nervous about the plane, I'm trying to finish my last bit of school, deciding on what to do in college. Then there's also the feeling of wanting to ditch the meds and be strong on my own, but I know I'm probably not ready yet.
I just wish that I could cry, even for a minute...

I hope that at soon you will feel better
I send to you love
I want to hug u

u know, it is okay to cry sometimes. it is okay not to be okay sometimes.
and as much as ive been reading your blogs and getting to know you - you are such a strong and a beautiful person (inside and out). just give yourself some time as well. i mean your body is changing and your mindset is changing.. but give yourself time to get used to the changes! x

Thank you guys. Your words mean a lot to me. I am feeling a whole lot better. I still can't seem to cry but I haven't felt the need to anyway recently.
My ex (my first REAL boyfriend from when I was 17/18) has been trying to hunt me down to for a coffee for a long time, so today he caught me at home and I said why not and we went. It was actually really nice. He has matured a lot over the past 6 or so years and I am proud of him for stepping up and helping raise his children which was something I didn't think he'd ever do. They aren't my kids or anything but I just know that he didn't pay any attention to them at first. Seems like he's really grown up.
We also picked his fiance up from work and hung out with her for a bit so I could meet her. I thought it was going to be awkward but she is a really nice/cool chick. I think I'll be hanging out with them more down the road. I could use some fresh faces to spend time with, you know.
So yeah I had a lovely time.
I got my tattoos fixed the other day. Here are some pics.

My wrist "Perfectly Imperfect" (From my poem)

When you look into my eyes
Know that I'm perfect as I'll ever be
No games; what you get is what you see
I'm perfectly imperfect, so take me as I am
& know that all I'll ever be is just me


My wrist and my bestie's foot. I let her get the words as well.


My celtic sister's knot. She also has this one too. I need to get a new one that she doesn't have lol. But they both mean something to us, so. This one still isn't perfect. Going to a studio from now on for sure.



P.s. Mimi - I'm in the process of fixing up a sweater I had and putting some ears on it. I'll post a pic when it's done. Shouldn't take long

haha wicked!!!! almost every hoodie i own has ears on, it suits me though as my friends call me kitkat

i wanna get a new tattoo but i can't think of what and where.. i think i wanna get smth in estonian.. hmm

ps, it is nice sometimes to meet up with old friends/acquaintances. im gonna meet up with some old friends who i haven't seen in ages but i can just feel it that we're gonna get on well

That would be a good tattoo...it will be very meaningful to you.
I want to get something else on the other wrist, a word or phrase, I just don't know what yet.

Yeah it was fun...hoped his fiance liked me, you know, must be weird hanging w/ your fiance's ex, but she seemed like she did and she was really nice.

Well after all that time where I couldn't cry I woke up today and I couldn't stop. I don't know where it came from. I found myself thinking about something that happened about 6 years ago that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life...then I found myself thinking about "him".
Don't get me wrong, I've been doing great getting over it and letting go. But he's still my best friend and I do miss him dearly. We've never been apart this long before. It's so strange. It feels like he should be home. He should be here with me...but if he's happy...I've got to be happy for that.
I guess there's a part of me that will always love him, so much. But the rest of me has moved on and I'm getting happier and healthier every day.
I can't wait for when he visit though. He's going to be so proud of me when he sees how much I've grown inside and how different I'll look.
I just want him to see that and spend a couple days with him before he leaves again.

Only about 15 days before I leave for Germany. I'm so nervous. I hate airplanes so much. When I'm in the airport I just feel like running out the door and going home. I keep telling myself the trip will be worth it, but it doesn't do much to ease the anxiety. I've just gotta be strong and keep telling myself nothing is going to happen. *Sigh*

I am feeling a little better since my last post. I just have some horrible PMS, that's all. When it's all over and done with I should be back to not giving a fuck about what happened back then or him and his g/f. Screw it.
I've been seeing old friends and making new ones, socializing a lot more now that I'm getting better. It feels really nice. Wtf was I thinking hiding away from the world this past year or so? Moping over someone who was unavailable to me when there are so many more guys out there. I'm young, talented and beautiful and as are all of you! We need to get out and have as much fun as we can and take in as much as we can before we can't do it anymore.
I'm also done taking shit from people. NO ONE is going to tred on me anymore. If you try to; FUCK YOU! I will take you down a few notches, that I promise. There are too many rude, uncaring people in this city and I'm quite finished being their fucking door mat.
Anyway, I just had chinese buffet and it was kinda greasy...good but greasy. So off I go to work it out.
I hope all is well for everyone! Xoxo

I've been feeling a little lost lately.
I'm doing so wonderful, though. Breaking away from the anxiety, being positive, getting back into shape, making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. I feel more alive then I have in a long time. I just find myself feeling a little lonely, you know. It seems like everyone around me has that special someone to love except for me.
I think about it; all of the years and relationships I've been through. Most of them were bad because I was so sick. It drained almost every ounce of personality out of me until I was nothing but this angry shell of a person.
I don't understand what any of them ever loved about me. Maybe it was the few and far between little glimpses that were left of the real me. But most of them couldn't handle what I had turned into. I suppose I ended up draining them of happiness, too.
I just find myself thinking that today is different. I've healed so much and am still healing. I feel like me again. I seem to attract people instead of repel them once more. I can only imagine what a wonderful relationship I would have now. How much love I have in me to give, how much hope I have to share. Whoever finds me next will have the best experience with me that any other man has ever had. I bet it could be truly amazing.
I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, I should not be thinking about it, but it's been such a while since I've had a REAL relationship. I'm just dying to let all of this love out! I wish someone would find me some day soon <3

Well, less than 10 days until I leave for Europe. Did I mention how terrified I am of the plane? Petrified, in fact. I've always been that way. I don't know why or how. It's like my fear of heights and the ocean. I'm terrified to swim in the ocean. Although on my last vacation to the Dominican I swam in the shallows...but not even close to the net. And if they left me in there alone I'd freak.
There's this beautiful place here called Red Cliff. You drive up a ways and then you hike down to this big open area on a cliff. The cliff must be thousands of kilometers above sea level. Below is the wide open ocean and across the way on another cliff is a castle that overlooks the water. It's a beautiful sight, but it's also terrifying. It's that high that you can't make out the waves below, and the water is black it's that deep. I tried many times to go just a little close to the edge to get a better look, but I just couldn't do it. My ex and our friend would go out, no problem, and sit on the edge. Meanwhile I'd be holding back tears because I thought for sure they were going to fall.
I'd never go out there with anyone I didn't trust. If anyone tried to make me go a few feet from the edge I know I would have the biggest fucking panic attack and scream and cry my eyes out.
I'm going to hike down there one day soon with a couple friends. I'm going to ATTEMPT to go near the edge. It's part of conquering my anxiety. I need to try and push my limits little by little to gain control. I will be very careful of course, but I hope I can do it, even just for one picture.
The next time I go I'll have to take pictures so you can all see what it's like and how beautiful it is.
I have an idea about why I may be so afraid of the ocean and heights...especially combined.
This hasn't happened for a couple years now, but every now and then I used to have this dream that would startle me awake. I would dream that I was in a car with someone (I never see their face) and we were driving off a cliff very similar to this one. I would wake up just as the car hit the water. The other version of this dream was just me falling off the same cliff into the ocean. It's so real, too. I fall in, then I'm aware of all the cold and blackness around me, I'm panicking and as I start to swim up, I wake up. I always hated those dreams. I'm glad they are gone. Hey, maybe that's how I died in a past life, if you believe that sort of thing. I'm not sure if I do or not.

Anyway, I'm in a lot of pain right now. Have you ever pinched a nerve? It's this horrible, tingly, dull ache and it's so painful and so incredibly annoying. Well, a few months ago I was taking care of my friend (Who had just had surgery) and her kids (One is 6 the other 2) while her boyfriend was at work. So I was lifting her little boy a lot, being a toddler and I was also doing laundry and lugging loads up and down the stairs. So somewhere along the way I'm folding laundry when my left arm just starts to go numb and tingling like mad. I thought for sure I was about to have a heart attack or stroke, being a smoker. So I stopped and relaxed for a bit and I realized it probably wasn't serious because I felt otherwise fine. Anyway I looked it up on google and learned I must have pinched a nerve.
After a few days it healed much to my relief and months went by. Then one day I had my "friend" over and we were ummm "exerting ourselves" LOL and it happened again. This time it healed a little quicker, same arm btw. Anyway, today it happened again for no apparent reason. Except this time it started in my leg and worked it's way up from my ankle all the way to my shoulder. So there it sits for hours now...pretty much the whole left side of my body with this horrible irritating pain. I took a hot bath with epsom salts and it did nothing. I'm going to take some ibuprofen and go to bed and see if that helps. I'm just afraid that if it keeps coming back like this I'll have to get surgery. I read that if it reoccurs that may be the only solution. There's another HUGE fear of mine; surgery, hospitals and everything that goes along with it. I would imagine to get me into surgery you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming bloody murder and drug me up. I can't help it. When it comes to doing things that I am terrified of my body just halts and won't let me move forward. My brain goes about 10,000 miles a minute. Hopefully, it'll be fine and it won't come to that. LOL...I just imagine when I'm going to have kids how much of an annoyance I'll be in the delivery room! I pity the nurse who tries to stick an I.V. in me...I truly do.

Anyway, I better get off to bed because this pain needs to go away. Goodnight everyone. Sweet dreams. Xoxo

aww have a fun time in Europe. Don't be scared. Plane this is the most safety transport on the world. Will be good, really. When you will be scared it maybe try thinking about something what you love, and remember that we will be with you there <3

I'm sorry for your friend and how you feel.

Remember that I love u <3

I'm afraid of the ocean, too! It's so big my mind can't understand it, and the darkness and the pressure make me nervous. The fact that you can't see far scares me; anything could attack. Like a BIG anglerfish, those things are ugly!
I read about fear of open spaces, the opposite of claustrophobia. There was another term for it apart from agoraphobia, but I can't find it now... But in my case it's only the fear of ocean. I'm fine in parks and parking lots, for example.
I guess I'm not that afraid of heights, at least I don't get a panic attack or anything... It might make my vision spin/blur a bit, but not that badly.
Also, I've never been on a plane, so I don't know if I'm afraid of flying, either xD At least the thought of going into a plane doesn't scare me. But Natt is right, planes are very safe, it's way more probable of dying in a car crash. I guess that's not very helpful? xD

Could those dreams have be stress-related? Based on that you used to have them, but are not having them anymore. I guess it's similar to what I have: during school time and depression I usually had bad dreams and a lot of visions (I used to see stuff in my room that weren't there: piles of beetles, people, rulers falling between the bed and the wall... Once I saw everything in black and white and covered in dust!). I don't have those that often anymore. Now my vision usually involve our cat; I see him somewhere and he's not really there... So nothing scary or anything.

I've never heard of that pinching nerve thing O_o It just... happens? I only get something similar when I actually hit a nerve somewhere, like hitting the elbow on the corner of a table. *reads about the subject* It could get serious :O I hope you won't need surgery!

I only get this.. pulling sensation on my calves. A muscle cramp? That's it. Luckily they happen rarely, but ALWAYS when I'm sleeping! It's so nice to wake up to this immense pain in your leg :DD Walking is difficult and painful afterwards for a while. My fiancé gets them, too.
Also, sometimes my arms are cold and weak. Like right now. They're not cold to touch, but I feel the cold inside them. If that makes sense :D And they're tingling, almost like a wind is blowing to them constantly and making the hair on my arm move. It's strongest when I'm falling asleep. So I'm thinking that I have poor circulation :/ Plus, the right side of my body is slightly numb... At first it was only on my face, but I've noticed it's everywhere now... Heh, maybe I should go see a doctor instead of babbling about this on someone's blog :D

Have you tried anti-stress tea? I found one that has hibiscus, lemon grass, flowers of jasmine and camellia and pineapple pieces. Also it has strawberry-hawthorn oil, I guess (I'm trying to translate :D). It's fresh and has a brilliant dark red color. It lowers blood pressure, removes tension and calms down your mind. It works for me :)

RIP Ryan Dunn! You crazy, silly, mother fucker.

KerliPoland^ Thank you! & that picture of you is way cute <3

Hehe, you guys, you know what? That's the same thing EVERYONE says to me! "A plane is the safest way to travel, way safer then a car". Unfortunately this doesn't put my mind at ease very much lol. I think the problem is that if a car crashes, you have a good chance at surviving. If a plane crashes, your pretty much toast. That terrifies me. Plus it's high up...going back to my fear of heights.

Forace^ The same thing comes to my mind about the ocean. It's so dark and ANYTHING could be there. We still don't know what exists in the deeper parts of it. *Shivers*. I've read true stories about giant squid being sighted/found here in Newfoundland. Frightens the shit right out of me, lol.

I had those dreams for years and years. They could have been stress related because it's only now that I am truly getting better that they have stopped. I've had them since I was a child.

The pinched nerve thing feels way different from hitting your elbow in that spot. It's such an odd sensation. It's hard to explain. It's like burning/tingling and sometimes it goes numb. There's also a dull ache mixed in with it. You'd know if it ever happened. Luckily I haven't felt it in a while...good riddance.

I get muscle cramps often. More so in my feet but occasionally in the calves and sometimes in my butt muscle, lol. It hurts really bad there.
Apparently if you get a lot of them it might mean you don't drink enough water or your not hydrated enough. I drink a lot more water then I used to and I found it eased off a little.

Yeah you should for sure see a doc if you feel like that before you fall asleep. That's so strange. Could be poor circulation or a blood clot.

That tea sounds lovely. I should look for some.


Well I am leaving around supper time on Friday. I am sooooo scared. I know it'll all be fine and I'll have a great time but I can't help it. Anxiety sucks.
I cleaned my apartment like mad today. Scrubbed, tidied, laundry, vacuumed. *Phew* It's all clean for everyone who is coming in to take care of my mini zoo (LOL) and for when I come home in August. I am going to miss my bed sooooooo much! & The gel memory foam. My back should be fine though (I have a curvature of the spine and the memory foam helps so much) because Mom has one of those expensive pillow top mattresses on the bed I'll be using.
I am psyched to see all of the things I'm going to see. It'll be so much fun! I'll be on here writing and posting pictures every now and then.
I am down another pant size as well... doing awesome with getting back into shape still. By the time I come home in August I'm hoping to be in the 120's.
Yay...so much excitement. Well I better go to bed. It's getting late and I've got a lot more work ahead of me.

Goodnight Xo

P.s. I'm gonna be so worried about my little man when I'm gone...I hope he doesn't get sick...

wait you're going for so long?? for 2 months? awesome!

who are you going with ?

Okay, so for flying, I recommend gum... lots and lots of gum! Also, once your up in the air, look out the window down at everything around you. Its really cool! That will ease you up a bit. I wont promise it though, because it isn't exactly a valid promise for me to give. And just try to relax. Think of it as a dream. Its all in your head...

Where are you sitting in the plane? If you're by the window, and are feeling anxious there, change places with someone by the corridor side... And when you feel better, try to look out the window. Don't force it, though :)

And maybe have something with you that you can focus on? A book, a squishy stress ball, listen to music with your eyes closed... Or chewing gum :D

If I ever travel on a plane, I probably couldn't even think about how high I am, it just seems too surreal. So it would be like, I'm just in a long room that changes location O_o Like a horizontal elevator.

Hey guys!!! I've been here in Germany for about 10 days now.
Thanks for the advice about the flights. I've flown a few times before so I knew what to expect, it's just that I have a terrible fear of it. Anxiety is very powerful. But you know what? I've been kicking it's ass!
On the plane I decided to skip the drugs and handle it on my own. I watched the take off, I looked out the window a lot, I watched the landing and I didn't get sick. I m so fucking proud of myself. I didn't even feel all that nervous this time. It's so strange. It's like ever since I've been trying to change everything for the better I've been able to conquer fears I never thought I could.
We went to the place where the three countires meet (Germany, The Netherlands and Belguim) and we went up in the tower. You can go outside once your at the top but the floor outside is nothing but a steal grate and you can see right down to the ground. I am terrified of heights, but I said fuck it and slowly made my way out. Before I knew it I was half way comfortable walking out there, I even walked up to the highest story alone to take pictures. I am loving the new me! Turning into such a brave girl.
Were going to Paris in week or so, we'll see what happens when I go into the Eifel tower :O.
We've done a lot of cool things so far. We visit three castles one of which had caves underneath that we went through. I just loooove the castles They are amazing. Beautiful old artwork and furniture. I even love the "old" smell. I'll post a few pictures when I get the chance. We are just so busy. Up early and home late then bed. Exploring Germany and the surrounding countries.
I am having a WONDERFUL time. I am feeling great and I might even fly home on my own :O BIG step for me.
Well I hope you all are well! LOVE! <3

I was just wondering how you're doing :D

I'm glad it all went so well! I'm proud of you :3 It's always the thoughts beforehand that are so goddamn scary. The anticipation. Your mind makes everything worse and makes up stuff that isn't even true! Like, with me, when going to the dentist... "They're gonna drill, it's gonna hurt like hell, they'll take all my teeth away!" and when I'm actually there and I relax... I notice it doesn't really hurt. At all O_o

And I'd love to see pictures of the castles!

aah im SO happy to hear that!!!!!!!!!!! :')
it feels fucking awesome to prove yourself that YOU can do something u thought u couldn't. and im well proud of u, girl!

so germany, france... england by any chance?