From Dark To Light & Back Again

by Tara Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:06 am

I am soooo happy I found this blog thing. I needed another outlet; another way to vent. I also needed to share with other people. People around me are to wound up in themselves and bitching to me about their problems to even consider asking me how I feel once in a while. My hopes are that there are people on here that know exactly what I am going through. Anyway, here goes...
This may be hard for healthy minded people to understand. Keep an open mind and an open heart.
From the time I was a baby it was clear something wasn't right about me. Unfortunately, doctors were very closed minded back then about children having bipolar and other things of that nature.
My whole life up until now I spent in a constant state of anger, sadness, anxiousness, rage. I thought everyone felt that way, thought it was normal. I was terrified of things most people don't think are that big of a deal. Standing up in front of my class or even sitting at my desk and reading a paragraph out of a book was like hell to me. Going somewhere...to someone home where there were strangers was like torture. I didn't have any trouble making friends, but it took me a while to come around. My first day of school in kindergarten I hid under the desk the whole day, even though I already knew most of the children in my class. I used to just slip into these anxiety attacks and I would be uncontrollable. Screaming and crying, beating the crap out of whatever or whoever was in my way, and self harm. Most times I didn't even remember doing it when it was over.
Finally a couple of years ago doctors started to recognize that something was wrong with me. (Took them long enough!) They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder. So basically I am a nutcase Lol. Say it, I don't mind. I have nothing to be ashamed of. These days I have help and I am almost a completely different person. I am very proud of myself.
Of course, it can't be rainbows and butterflies all the time. I still do have my bad days like anyone else. There are days where I don't want to even look at another person I feel so anxious and sad. Shit, there are days when I don't even get out of bed. I think, what's the point? What is the point of cleaning this...it'll just get dirty again. What is the point of finishing school and working and making money? I'm just going to die anyway and none of it will matter. I will be on a bus or in a classroom and look at everyone around me and think...every single one of you is going to die some day. It's hard to get through a day without thinking that way. But I am trying.
That's the reason for the title of my blog...Dark to light and back again. I was in the dark constantly, then I found the light...and on occasion, I slip back into the darkness again. It's a constant battle. It's exhausting and painful, but I won't give up. I won't let the darkness win. I like to think I am stronger than it.

by mimi Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:33 am

im glad you wrote about yourself - i like getting to know other people.

and u know.. we all get times of darkness. u sound very sincere and im sure that i speak for all of us when i say that we don't judge. u can be bi-polar or with one ear. we're all moon children.

by Tara Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:32 am

Thanks. Nice to have people listen and be open.
Speaking of which I just have to add to this blog about something that is royally pissing me off.
Isn't it funny how the people around you (well in my situation anyway) will always come to you with their problems and bitch and complain...and you try to make them feel better because you care. But the moment you feel like shit do they bother asking you how you are feeling or what might be wrong, or try to make you feel better? No. They don't consider that maybe the person who tries to comfort them all the time has bad days and can be sad and is sitting here with no one to listen or cheer them up. It makes me just want to tell them to go to hell the next time they come to me with a problem. But I don't and I won't because even if I feel like I don't want to care about them, I still do because my heart won't let me forget them.
*Sigh* People make me feel so sad...

by mimi Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:35 am

i know! im always the person who gives advice and answers phones at 3 am but when i need to talk everybody's suddenly really busy.

how are you, Tara?

by Tara Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:42 am

Yes...that seems to be the way it is. And it hurts, doesn't it? I wish they could see that.
How am I? Thanks for asking. I don't feel the greatest today. I feel very sad and empty. There is no particular reason. It just happens sometimes. I will get over it. I always do.
How are you?
How is anyone reading this? Vent away...

by mimi Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:51 am

ugh.. to be honest, im like.. blah
i didn't get to sleep last night until half 3 in the morning.. i was probably too excited about the moonchild project. i do hope it turns out how we want it to!

but on the other hand.. im SO annoyed.. like.. everybody who knows me, KNOWS how much i love dressing up etc. and ive always wanted to go to a proper halloween party.. all the creepy decorations etc. and im home alone, watching kindergarten cop..
im soo bored of my life at the moment.. havent got a job, no college. blah blah blah. same shit, different day!

by Tara Sat Oct 30, 2010 11:15 am

Funny. I didn't sleep til then either. But I was up watching t.v. My own fault
I read about your project. It's a good idea. I'm sure she'll love it & I'm sure it will turn out great. How many people are participating?
My friends and I had our first Halloween party last week...I was a gothic fairy. It was fun. You'll have to plan early to get out to one next year.
I'll tell you something. I will be 24 in December and I am just finishing my high school. I had to quit twice due to anxiety and depression. But I'll be finally done before Christmas. Your 19 and you have your HS, your already years ahead of me It's not easy to decide what to do w/ the rest of your life. But find something your passionate about and do it! You could start your own business or go to college...there's a lot of options. Explore them carefully and I'm sure you'll find something you want to do with yourself

by mimi Sat Oct 30, 2010 1:51 pm

ive been doing A LOT of handcrafts.. like jewellery and top hats and just some stuff i haven't showed anybody which r pretty rad & soon ill be making shoes for Ene (he's off this forum).. and i LOOOVE doing things with my hands..

by Tara Sat Oct 30, 2010 2:03 pm

There you go...create things and make a living from it! Show em off
I love doing crafts and things too...gotta go out soon and pick up a bunch of stuff to occupy my alone time. Maybe jazz up some old clothes or make some new art for my room.

by mimi Sat Oct 30, 2010 2:09 pm

i actually FOUND a block of papers in my room... they literally appeared.. so im going to draw some portraits Smile

maybe as christmas presents!

by Tara Sat Oct 30, 2010 2:11 pm

Now that's an awesome idea. People will love it.

by Tara Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:53 am

Happy Halloween! For those of you that have it, anyway. My mother is living in Germany and she told me they don't have Halloween there. That sucks...I love it. The one day a year you can be something totally different from yourself just for fun. Plus I love to see people's costumes and watch scary movies, listen to scary stories, and just be scared and everything be totally creepy for a little while. It's like the whole city has a completely different atmosphere. Not to mention all of the candy and chocolate. Not that I go trick or treating, I think I'm a tad too old and have been for a while . But I am going with my best friend; taking my god son and his sister out. My god son is almost two, so this is his first time. I can't wait to see what he thinks of it all.
Anyway, before all of the Halloween stuff begins were all going to the park and getting our pictures done by a professional photographer. So I'm here all dolled up in black ruffly things with black roses in my hair, feeling pretty tired cuz I've been up since 7. It will be worth it though. I'm getting one picture done with the kids and one done of just me to give everyone in my family. It's been 5 years since I had a picture done so I think they'll appreciate it. I'm wearing a skirt and it is freezing outside. 6 Celsius. That's 43 for those of you who use Fahrenheit. *Sigh* The sacrifices I make to have a nice picture done, lol.
Anyway, for you guys that have Halloween, what are you going to be doing today?

by Tara Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:09 pm

So, I decided I've let my creative side be hidden for far too long now. I went out today and bought all kinds of stuff to make jewelry...kinda bored with what's already out there so I'll do it MY way So far my first piece looks like it's going to be beautiful. I'm making it for my Grandmother. She does so much for me and she couldn't find a nice necklace that she liked so, I'm making one for her. I'll be sure to post pictures when I'm done to get some opinions.
On a sadder note, time is ticking away getting closer to January. I really don't want that month to come. It's such a long story...but the jist of it is...I have this friend. He's my best friend. I have been in love with him for two years now. He was in a relationship...(it involved children and they had been together for a really long time...so it wasn't an easy thing for him to leave) but he finally did. They share a lot of financial debt and since they aren't together anymore, he wants to pay it off quick. So he is moving to the mainland to work for a while. I'm not sure how long. Anyway, I know there was a time while he was with her when he was definitely just as much in love with me as I am with him. But I'm not sure if he is any more or not. Sure he is there for me all the time still and were really good friends, we do things together and what not. Of course I'm not going to try and be with him right now. He just got out of a long relationship and he needs his alone time and his space, you know. But I am sick to my stomach thinking what if he moves up there and he finds someone else before he even comes home? Before I even get a chance? I know it's silly and I should just let him go and move on. And I am, I guess. I want him to do what makes him happy. Even if it means that I have to hurt. *Tear*
Anyway enough drama. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

by TheLastSongbird Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:25 pm

I'm sure that everything will turn out for the best. If it turns out he isn't meant for you, then I hope you'll find happiness with someone else. If he's the one for you, then everything will fall into place at the right time. For now though, he will need a good friend like you. Heartache's a terrible thing...I hope you're alright.

by Tara Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:40 pm

I accidentally erased my reply to your message above^: Thanks for those words, I needed to hear them. I am always here for him and he knows it. I hope it all turns out like I want it to in the end. The hard part will be accepting it if it wasn't meant to be.

by Tara Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:17 pm

Some things are hard to accept. You hate it with everything you are, but you try your damnedest to accept it because it will make someone you love more than life itself happy. That's REAL love.
Time is ticking and getting closer to the day I have been dreading. These past couple days I've slipped and let it get the best of me. I am ashamed. I broke things, I pounded on walls and doors, I hurt my hands, I cried uncontrollably. It feels like all of the air has been snatched away from me and I'm struggling to breathe. It doesn't feel real that soon you won't be a short drive away from me, that I won't simply be able to reach out and touch you. The worst part is that I get sick to my stomach thinking you'll find someone else before you get back and I'll never get my chance. My insides hurt, they are torn to shreds. Everything. My soul feels black. I need to come out of this quickly before I sink deeper.

by out of the hollow Mon Nov 08, 2010 6:43 pm

^ I'm so sorry. I hope everything works out for you and him. But whatever happens, even if it may be difficult, I believe you can get through it.

by Tara Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:01 am

Thank you. I believe I can too. Feel a bit better today. It's constantly on my mind lately...driving me insane. I try my best to...move on in my mind. Not be in love anymore. But it's useless. It just sticks there. Writing about it helps a little. I think what would help the most if finding someone else to move on with and help me forget.

by Tara Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:08 am

The school I go to is very small. It's a place where you can have a second chance to go back and finish your high school credits and be treated like an adult. We become very close to the teachers. We call them by their first names, accompany them outside for smoke breaks, joke and laugh with them. Talk to them about our problems. We are like a family, all of us. They are our dear friends.
I'm broken hearted and in shock right now. One of them has left us. My dear friend and teacher Jeff lay down on Wednesday night and never woke up. He was a wonderful man. I know you say that about everyone when they pass away but about this man I truly mean it. He was always joking around and being silly and always willing to listen to your problems. He was also a good teacher. I learned more from him than I ever did in real high school. I was just joking around with him the day before he passed away...I swatted him on the side of his face playfully with my rolled up progress report. He was a wonderful person and he left behind a school full of staff and students who were very close to him and loved him very much, and a big family who I am sure are feeling horrible right now. I will always remember you, Jeff. Rest in peace. Xo <3

by Tara Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:08 pm

My Grandfather died last year. He was a short man...just like a little firecracker and he was hilarious. He would have been 82 today.

Happy Birthday Poppy Jack! Love & Miss You Always!

Love, Tara ...or Terror as you liked to call me

by Tara Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:30 am

Omg. Last night I had such a bipolar sleep. Lol. I must have woken up about 10 times for one reason or another. Usually because I'm thirsty. Or some noise wakes me. At least I'm not in a bad mood because of it. I still feel like I got enough sleep.
Today is pay day and I am going out with my best friend and my god son to get some artery-clogging fast food. I let myself have some once or twice a month. Were also going to go do some Christmas shopping. Yay. Not sure how I feel about Christmas anymore...it's like it's losing it's magic for me. Especially when not long after the one I love will be gone Sad

Oh well...there's nothing I can do about it. It's meant to be. I just have to let go and not let it ruin my Christmas. Anyway...I better go get ready. Have a beautiful day everyone. XOX

by TheLastSongbird Tue Nov 16, 2010 7:20 am

Surround yourself with family and friends this Christmas. I find the love of my family and friends helps a lot when something upsetting is looming over me.

I know what you mean about it losing its magic. It just isn't the same as when you were a child. But every so often in the weeks approaching Christmas, I still get a strong sense of the magic and love connected with it. In some ways I think it's better when that kind of feeling suddenly hits you from time to time. The feeling that this time of year has the power to allow Love to take over, just for a little while.

I hope you can enjoy Christmas this year, and I hope you have a wonderful day too.

by Tara Tue Nov 16, 2010 5:15 pm

^Thanks for the words and like wise <3

I actually did have a pretty good day. It's always a good day when you go shopping and eat chocolate covered pretzels
I went through walmart craft section to see if I could find anything that caught my eye to make a moonmark necklace with. I found a few very pretty little things but nothing for that in particular. Their jewelry making stuff for the most part sucks. I guess I'll have to go check out the gigantic craft store. They are a little more expensive but I bet they have all kinds of crazy shit. I can't wait to look.

Don't you just want to scream when someone snaps at you and seems mad at you for no reason? Ughhh it really fucks with my anxiety and I hate it! Like, I know your going through a hard time but don't take it out on me. Especially when I make it clear I'll always be here here to help you any way I can. Not to mention I am grieving the loss of a friend and still I don't get mad you for being so insensitive. My brain wants to tell you off but my heart says let it be and it'll stop. I hope it does really soon because it's so hard.

& I better get an apology! A good one

TJ Xoxo

by Tara Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:59 am

I'm full of mixed emotions today. I brought my kitty to the vet this morning to get spayed and it's bringing out some anxiety. They are a good practice and I know they do these surgeries all the time so I need not worry. But I still do. I get to pick her up very soon I can't wait.
I'm happy because I get to spend time w/ one of my best friends before he goes away. I haven't seen him in a while because he's been working so much and the buses are on strike here so I am limited with how to get around the city. Were not doing anything all that special...picking up some groceries, maybe have a coffee, do a little Christmas shopping...but any time with him is special to me no matter what we do. Seems like he's looking forward to our time together as well. I hope he is.
I've been going crazy lately making jewelry and drawing and altering my clothes. I've got this insane creative streak going on and I must say it does wonders for the soul when you use your full potential and create something you think is beautiful. It feels like there is this lovely energy flowing through me and I hope I can pass some of it along to the people around me.
Well, that's all I've got in this brain to talk about today I guess. I'll post up some new jewelry ASAP!

Hope everyone has a great day
Love & kisses,
TJ

by Tara Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:40 pm

So my best friend had this cat. It's his ex's daughter's cat. He still lives with them right now but soon he'll be gone. Anyway, they had two cats in the house. They were both males and spayed since kittens. For some reason one of them randomly started peeing on things around the house. Mostly stuff that was left on the floor. As you know, if you have kids, or have been around them, it's really hard to keep things off of the floor when they are around. So they took him to the vet to see if it was a medical problem...everything came back ok. So they were told that it was a behavioral issue and that their only options were to TRY to re-home him (and hope he didn't do the same in his new home), or have him put to sleep. So they tried to find someone to take him but no one would. Then they made an appointment to have him put to sleep. They were really sad but they had no other choice. I already have a cat so I said initially I couldn't take him. One reason because I can't afford to buy food and litter for two cats. Number two reason because I wasn't sure how my cat would take it. Anyway, the night before my friend was soooo sad...it broke his heart every time he looked at the poor cat and he felt sad for his ex's daughter to have to deal with it. So I broke down and said ok, if you guys buy me litter and food once in a while when I am broke, then I'll attempt at taking him in. So they agreed, but they told me, the moment he has an accident, (pees anywhere outside the litter box), they would come pick him up and bring him to be put to sleep.
So today my friend brought him over, and I'm following step-by-step information as to how to ease a new already adult cat into a home where there already is cat. So right now he stays in the spare room with all of his own things...bed, litter box, food dishes, etc. They have already sniffed each other through the door and so far it seems like they will be able to get along eventually. That is not the part I am worried about. He is such a beautiful cat and he loves me already. Every time I go in to pay attention to him he comes over and rubs me and purrs and he seems so content. I am really hoping he doesn't have an accident. It just seems so unfair for an animal to die for that reason but what other choice do we have? No one will want him with that problem and no shelter will take him because of it. They will just put him to sleep too.
I read in a lot of places that if a cat has a problem like that usually re-homing them will fix it. Plus I'm not going to leave ANYTHING lying around on the floor to tempt him. So if there's a God up there please help this little guy to be accident free so he has a second chance at life. Plus it will put a smile on a little girl's face and she can visit him whenever she wants. I am hoping with all my heart this works out!
Anyone by any chance have any knowledge of this sort of situation with a cat? Any advice as to how to avoid an accident would be so welcome.
Here's a picture of the new kitty and my kitty

Here's the new guy. His name is Ash.
From Dark To Light & Back Again Pictur30

From Dark To Light & Back Again Pictur30

Here is my female cat I own already. Her name is Zoë.
From Dark To Light & Back Again N6524410

by pixiedust19 Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:15 pm

awww!! :DD

my cat had that same problem. :/ my dad threatened to put my cat to sleep if she kept peeing all over the carpet. :[ but my cat was only having an accident around the same spot everytime thoughh, so what me and mom did was we moved the liter box over to where she was peeing.
and it worked for a little while. we eventually moved the box back to its original place and she just stopped having accidents. :]]
i dont know if that helps, but... there it is. xDD

i hope the cat doesnt get but put down. :[[ best wishes! ^^

by Tara Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:40 pm

I'm glad that it worked out for you after. I've done a ton of research on it. Usually if a cat has an accident in one place they will keep returning to that spot to pee because the smell is next to impossible to get out. (To a cat's nose). I have a feeling that the problem in their house was similar to your's. He peed in a spot once and then just kept doing in that spot then gradually did it all over the house. They had two cats and one litter box as well. There are no pee spots anywhere in my house and he'll have his own litter box from now on, too. Hopefully that will help. Very Happy

Thanks.

by out of the hollow Wed Nov 24, 2010 10:58 am

Good luck to you and Ash! That was a very kind thing of you to do Smile

My kitty had some problems using the box when she was a kitten. I lived with my boyfriend and we had one other cat and only one litter box. And it would get dirty fast and it probably wasn't cleaned as often as it should have been. I think she would only use the floor when the box was dirtier than she wanted it to be. (Finicky cats Razz

) So maybe keeping the box ultra clean might help as well. Otherwise it sounds like you've done all the 'right' things already Smile

by Tara Wed Nov 24, 2010 12:07 pm

Thanks. I've been cleaning it every day and so far so good Smile

by mimi Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:55 am

oh dear ash looks exactly like my sisters cat bob.. seriously. oh and btw ash is my boyfriends name too lol

is ash castrated? because my cat used to mark his territory but we got him castrated and he stopped.. ive never heard of cats being put down for doing that though..

by Krissy Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:15 am

my cats lives outside still...He comes in for a few hours and leaves..He does his stuff outside..but last nite he stayed inside all nite..so i guess we gotta get him to use the litter box..doesn't sound fun to clean.LOL

sending you lots of love!

by Tara Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:53 am

Thanks guys Smile

Well he's been fixed since he was a kitten. I don't think that means he's castrated, I think it's just the testicles that they remove...I'm not entirely sure though. He was peeing everywhere in their house and you just can't live that way. No one would take him and give him a chance...no friend, no shelter...so they didn't have any choice but to put him down. I'm glad I intervened when I did and gave him a chance though because he is a wonderful cat. Very passive and affectionate, and he's gorgeous. So far he hasn't peed anywhere accept his litter box Smile

I hope it stays that way and he gets along with my other cat.

by Tara Thu Nov 25, 2010 3:43 pm

Ashy gets comfortable in his new home

From Dark To Light & Back Again Pictur31

From Dark To Light & Back Again Pictur32

by Natt Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:43 am

very beautiful cat

by out of the hollow Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:19 pm

He's so cute!

by Tara Mon Nov 29, 2010 8:26 am

Thanks I adore this cat. He is so different from the cat I already have. Very passive and loving. I don't think he'd hurt a fly. When it comes to the cat I already have, she doesn't like most kids, most men, for the most part she gets along well with adult women lol. And of course I myself can do whatever I like with her without getting scratched or hissed at...but she can be testy with other people.
It's been about a week and Ash hasn't had an accident. Looking good! Also I had the two cats out roaming the house together a few times. Zoe hisses and growls a little but that's normal I am told. No fights...looks like he's gonna get to stay. I just hope nothing sets him off and he has an accident.
Now I am worried because I have to take Zoe to get her stitches out this afternoon and she is NOT going to be pleased. When she was dropped off for her surgery (to get spayed) the girl who tried to take her out of her kennel (she should have worn gloves) got scratched and had to go get stitches. So now today I am going to have to take her out of the kennel in there and I know in this situation she probably will get really scared and try to hurt me...but I'll try not to take it personally, lol. I just hope I don't wind up with stitches today. Wish me luck!

by out of the hollow Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:36 pm

Good luck to you and Zoe Smile

It's always a little funny, and scary, how cats turn into monsters when they go to the vet. My family had to have a cat sedated once just to get a flea bath, because she was so mean to the technicians Shocked

by Tara Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:01 pm

Well she did good. I didn't have to take her out. I can't believe she didn't try to murder them. LOL.

by Tara Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:31 pm

I should be happy today of all days. Or at least were all raised to believe we should be happy on our birthdays, but I am not whatsoever. I feel like I'm dying inside and have no one. I hate my life right now. I need new friends and new love to help me. The old ones just aren't helping. I don't know if it's just all in my head but they don't seem too concerned with my well being anymore. I try so hard each day to be strong and try to make myself feel good and happy. It was working for a while but now I am powerless. My mental conditions are taking me over and I don't feel strong enough to fight them. Normally I have my best friend to listen to me and help me through...but even he is distant and not around at all lately. He hasn't even wished me a Happy Birthday yet...and there's only a couple hours left to it. Not that I expect everyone to wish me a happy birthday to be satisfied...I just wanted him to think about me on this day. They say when a guy seems to be growing distant from you that you should back off all together and give them their space...make like your busy and happy. So that's what I'm trying to do. I thought we'd have our special connection forever. He was the best friend I ever had and I was his. He was the love of my life. I've never shared something with anyone like I did with him. We used to always be there for each other...and now he's not...and soon he'll be gone to the mainland and its like everything is building up inside of me and it's going to explode out in some horrible way. My heart & soul hurt so much.
Sorry about the dramaticness. That's just how I feel is all.

by mimi Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:06 pm

that's horrible and i dont think anyone here can really give you the kind of support you really need.

all i can tell u is whenever you need to talk to somebody were always here to listen to you.
there are couple of sayings that are totally cheesy but so true:
after a meadow there's always hill & its good in the end and if its not good, its not the end.
its hard to believe in any of those when you're feeling down but u gotta keep believing.
its okay to break down sometimes, its okay to give yourself time to heal and its okay to tell us how you feel.
why dont you have couple of days away from the TV, the computer and your phone and just concentrate on yourself. that's what i do when im feeling stuck and it does clear my mind up.
<3

by Tara Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:26 pm

Thanks for the words although I don't expect anyone to know what to say to me, I understand. No one ever does when I get this way. Writing it down for people to read helps. It's much better then keeping it in.
I've been spoiling myself lately trying to distract, but I think what I really need is to get out and find new, positive people to around. I've been getting way too much negative energy lately. I just keep noticing how selfish and self absorbed the people around me are. Not to mention the gossip about other people they tell me all the time, so how am I supposed to know they aren't saying things about me to other people? I am so tired of constant drama and negative thoughts and talk. I don't need that right now...no one EVER needs that.
Anyway...I am staying away from the phones, messengers...don't wanna talk to any of them right now.

by Tara Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:44 am

Feeling a little bit better today. Seems every time I get this way some little thing happens that takes the sting out of it. It's like someone is looking out for me. Gives me a little bit of comfort. Thanks...whatever/whoever you are

TJ xo

by Tara Tue Dec 07, 2010 3:30 pm

So finally I have relief from my psychological torment. I know I should appreciate things. Things like the friends I have, this beautiful apartment that's all mine, all of the help I get, my wonderful family, my beautiful pets, my looks (even though they may be temporary, at least everyone tells me I'm beautiful and I have them for a while) and my mind, for even though it torments me and turns me into a monster sometimes, it's also very intelligent, creative, and let's me do just about anything I set my mind too. The things that's hard for most people to understand is that when illness takes over, it's almost impossible for me to see all of the good and love around me. But I won again, and I always will. It will never get the best of me forever. It can go fuck itself Thank you God or whoever you are for making me who I am and for giving me all of these wonderful things.

So here's my fucked up story...

I have these two lizards called bearded dragons. One of them has an illness and has been sick for a while, so he's very weak. Last night, I put the two of them in the bath tub. Your supposed to do this every now and then to keep them clean and hydrate them. Anyway, in the tub there was a tiny amount of water, and I left them to go clean out their tank. (I should have known better) Ten minutes later I went back into the bathroom to dry them off and put them back into their clean home, and the healthy dragon was lying on the other one's head, and his head was under the water. I shooed her off and picked the little guy up and I was shocked as I realized he was dying in front of me. His skin was black and his tongue was hanging out, his stomach was flat because there was no air in it and I could see the life draining out of his eyes. I panicked a little, it was kind of a shock, I didn't know what to do...I flipped him over and tried poking him and rubbing his airways and of course it didn't work and I saw him die. There was no reaction from him, no life in his eyes anymore. I was wracked with guilt...I killed him. I fucking killed him. I am an idiot...why did I leave them like that? Did he suffer? Then I realized...what do you do to a person when they take in water? You give them air. So most of you will probably think omg gross...and I won't blame you, I put my lips over his little lizard snout and I breathed air into him. Nothing happened. I did this over and over. Again and again...it felt pretty hopeless. I thought to myself "This isn't going to work and it's pretty gross...why am I doing this?" and I almost gave up but then a little voice in my head said "No, keep going". So I did and all of a sudden the little guys eyes flew open and his mouth flew open and he gasped and I just sat there staring at him in shock. He's doing fine now...I can't believe I gave a fucking lizard CPR! LOL. It's totally gross...but shit man, this is my pet...I had to help him, and I did! I saved the little guy's life. It's a really good feeling to know you have that kind of power. To give life back to something that has died. I think of it this way; now when if it happens to a person, I'll know what to do and not give up
We can be truly amazing sometimes, us humans.
That's my messed up little story, hope you enjoyed it and that I maybe grossed you out a little !!!

Here he is; Axle the Bearded Dragon

From Dark To Light & Back Again Axle10

by out of the hollow Tue Dec 07, 2010 5:45 pm

Lizard CPR! That's love, haha Smile

by mimi Wed Dec 08, 2010 12:30 pm

^ agree!
u have so many pets Smile

thats very good of u to give a warm home for so many animals <3

but personally, i could NEVER have lizzards or snakes or anything slimy as pets. lol

by Tara Wed Dec 08, 2010 7:26 pm

Lol

Everyone thinks lizards and snakes are slimy but they are like the totally opposite. I can see why people would be creeped out by them though.
Yeah...I have a ton of pets. 2 cats, two bearded dragons, a leopard gecko, a red corn snake, and some fishies. What can I say...I love all creatures. Except certain bugs Wink

by Tara Wed Dec 15, 2010 1:26 pm

The past few weeks have been soooo hectic. I have been non-stop Christmas shopping and cleaning, decorating, etc. It's all worth it though. This is my first year putting my my tree being on my own. My best friend came to have some drinks and dinner and help me put it up and it is gorgeous:). I can't wait to give everyone their presents. I know that they will love them. Some of them were bought and some were made by me. Everything turned out great. I've got a few presents left to buy. It feels so effin good to give someone a gift that they really love. The look on their face is something I treasure. Getting gifts is great of course...but giving them is such a warm, fuzzy feeling.
I hope everyone who celebrates is having a wicked time so far! & even those who don't.

Love & Kisses, T.J.

by mimi Wed Dec 15, 2010 2:31 pm

merry christmas to you too Smile

im all packet, ready to leave to estonia tomorrow!

ps just wanted to post a pic of Bob (my sisters cat) who might be Ash's brother LOL

From Dark To Light & Back Again Kadi_f11

by Tara Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:42 pm

Ha ha ha omg. They are like identical. Love the hat. Have a good trip!

by Tara Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:50 am

I'm here at home on my island so famous for getting mountains of snow in the winter and it's windy and raining allll the time. We had maybe 3 snow falls, one big one, and the snow was gone the next day. It's unseasonably warm all the time.
I used to curse the snow. It covered everything, it was freezing, it made a mess. I did have some fun though. Going out on ski-doos and sliding and skating on ponds and bays. Having big fires in the woods. But I always preferred summer. It was like the absolute freedom for me. Going out and not having to bundle up, going swimming, hiking, camping, going out in a boat, fishing, road trips, looking at the sunshine.
Now that there isn't any snow I wish I never said a bad thing about it. It doesn't feel like Christmas when it's foggy and raining all the time. It's also a rude awakening as to what we've done to this beautiful world of ours. It's dying right in front of our eyes and most people around me are pretending like nothing is wrong. It terrifies me, this weather. It makes me angry no one seems to care. I feel like I'm the only one who knows the truth as to why there's no snow and I'm all alone in knowing life may be ending.
I'd like to rewind back to when I was little when I wasn't aware of all of these horrible things. When there was so much snow it would block the entire door way. I would make snow men and snow forts. I'm so afraid for all of us.

Tara

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