Iridescent_Revival_<3 (rants-a-lot)

Honey, please don't think about people. You are the most important.
Only, you should do what says your heart,

I LOVE U <3
moonhugs and moonkisses

Too tired/ill to say much. Just copied these pics from facebook. Fiji was amazing. So much emotion. I miss you all. So busyyy.
I.L.U.

aaaah beautiful!
and i want your panda hoodie!

mimi wrote:aaaah beautiful!
and i want your panda hoodie!

Hehe it says "hug me" ^_^ I love it lots


Apparently, it’s quite common for friends to frequently insult each other without actually offending each other. Apparently these insults are inside jokes and show how close people are to each other. This is a concept I have much difficulty with. I’m just too overly sensitive to handle it very well. My friends often insult me. I usually join in by insulting myself alongside them, hoping that it’ll soften the blow. It doesn’t. It just makes me feel worse.

During the pilgrimage trip to Fiji, my primary fear was that I would be more of a burden to the people we were supposed to be helping. I’m not artsy, so I couldn’t contribute to the mural the group painted on one of the walls at the orphanage. I’m terrible with children so I wasn’t much help with them either. And I’m a coward whenever it comes to doing something out of my comfort zone. So I was constantly asking myself how I could possibly contribute to the cause.

Unfortunately the whole friends-insulting-each-other concept still applied there. I expressed my concern and yet I still found that the people who are supposed to be my closest friends liked to joke about my limited usefulness. To them, my only uses were body warmth and entertainment. The majority of the time, I felt like they didn’t want me around and that I was just holding them back. To put it simply, I felt like shit. The teachers and the girls in my group that I’m not very close to were really encouraging and supportive. They made me feel like I was also an important component of the group. But then I’d go to my own friends and they’d kind of eliminate that good feeling, you know?

We stayed at a village called Bureta on an island called Ovelau for roughly two days. The people there were so loving and generous even though they didn’t notice. They invited us into their homes and gave us beds and food, even though they had very little of the two. Once again I felt like I wasn’t helping at all while they gave us so much. But then, when it was time to leave, one of the women (who lived in the home that I stayed in) burst into tears and gave us a necklace and two bags that her missionary daughter had sent them. They had nothing else. She hugged and kissed us a few times and repeatedly said “God bless you”. She was so grateful to have us there, as were the rest of the village. We had little to offer other than the few supplies we’d managed to gather for them and our assistance with their kindergarten. And yet, they considered us a blessing. To them, a person’s existence alone is the best contribution anyone could ask for. I was useful in the way that I gave a damn about their situation. I was useful in the way that I was there and experiencing their culture and way of life. I was useful by being a human being.

Part of me wishes that I had grown up in a community like that, so that I could’ve learned firsthand how to appreciate every little blessing in my life and how to be appreciated as a blessing myself. I guess it’s better late than never, right?

As it was technically a Christian pilgrimage, I connected this to my own relationship with God/Mother Earth/Whatever greater power there is out there. Now I see that my relationship with Him isn’t about going to church or reading the Bible. It’s about appreciating every little blessing He has given me and it’s about knowing that I am a blessing to Him.

My friends and anyone else who puts me down will come and go throughout my life, because they won’t realise how truly special I am and so will not fight to stay in my life. But God is always going to be there for me because he does know. He will always be there to tell me that I’m okay and that I am loved. He will never jokingly insult me. He will never make me feel useless. He will always know whether I really am happy or not with what He says to me. I will never feel alone again.

I’m still learning about things I thought I already understood. It’s challenging, but beautiful. I am a different person. A useful person. A blessing. And so are all of you. You don’t have to believe in a god to be a blessing. You just have to exist. And I am so grateful that so many blessings (such as yourselves) exist in my life.

I.L.U.

An experience like that is certain to teach you many things, if you're willing to notice the lessons. You're definitely special in that sense, Caroline; you find beauty and knowledge in situations that other people may not. Not everyone volunteers to do what you have either. You're right, caring about their situation made you just as important as everyone else. I'm glad you took so many positive things from the trip

As for the bit of trouble you're having with your friends, of course there are in-jokes within close groups, and they may include mild insults, but they shouldn't be actually insulting. There is a line between what's a joke and what's just being insensitive, especially after you've told them they're hurting you by saying these things. Telling anyone that they're relatively useless is cruel. I think they're being very immature by expecting to be able to palm you off with the "It's just a joke" excuse every time, and keep getting away with what they're doing. Caroline, what you're experiencing is bullying. The fact that they're your friends doesn't make any difference, you're still being made to feel isolated and unwanted. If anything, this is made even more cruel by the fact that the people you consider your friends are the ones doing this. I've been in a very similar situation, and if it can't be sorted out within the group, then the only way to avoid it is to avoid that group altogether.

Love, I hope I don't hurt you by saying these things. I just don't want things to deteriorate even more, or for you to feel trapped by what you're feeling because these are your friends and you don't want to desert or betray them. I want you to understand that this isn't right. This is just what I went through. It started off as "jokes" that I was the only one not laughing at, and it spiralled into complete alienation from all my friends that once were, and being told told outright (albeit not truthfully): "Everybody hates you." I don't want the same to happen to you, because you definitely do not deserve it. True friends should see you as the blessing you are, and always care about your feelings.

If this situation carries on, and you keep being hurt, or it seems to get worse, I would try and get away from it. It's what I had to do in the end, and although it was difficult, it was the right decision. Sometimes you just have to take a stand and walk away. I wasn't brave enough to do that of my own will, I held on scared until I was completely broken and forced out, but you have more courage than you know. Please, do what is best for yourself. I am lucky enough to know you, and I'm sure you can make that decision and act on it. You are always in my thoughts, and I'm always here for you, as I'm sure everyone on ToL is.

You are a beautiful soul, and I feel blessed to have you in my life too.

Kia kaha, my little sister ♡

Thank you so much, moonsis I think that I'm gonna try and sit people down to talk about it once more. At the start of the year, I was thinking of "leaving" that group and avoiding them altogether. I talked about it with one of my friends (one who has never put me down) and she got really upset because we're the first friends she's ever had and she doesn't want there to be a split so I decided not to do anything. I just want them to understand that I'm sick of it. It's so unnecessary. I remember a few years ago in a math class when they were saying mean things and I said "this is the foundation of our friendship" which just made them laugh harder. They've grown up since then, but still... I think they'll say I'm just being a stick in the mud about it. But, I mean, if people that I'm not even friends with manage to be kind to me, why can't my friends? Hmm...

I miss ToL so freaking much! I just haven't had the time to keep up. There are so many new members. It's confusing, but hopefully I'll be able to get to know everyone again I love MoonChildren so much! I want to live somewhere where there are other MoonChildren so that we could have tea parties and have bubblegoth dance parties ^_^

7th of August, 2011

I hate people so much right now. I’m so freaking angry.

Certain people at school who seem to call themselves “friends” are always telling me what to do. They tell me where to sit, what to eat, what to wear etc. They tell me off whenever I speak a bit too loud or when I slouch or when I look uncomfortable in whatever they’ve given me to wear. They tell me off for not wanting to use my makeup. They tell me off for getting ready for school too soon. They tell me off for not wanting to hang out with them at the right times. They tell me off for not calling my parents when they think I should and not telling my parents what they want me to tell them. They tell me off for not wanting to break rules. They tell me off for asking “stupid questions”.

Yet, they still help themselves to my food or my washing powder or my makeup or my coffee or my iPod or my laptop or my clothes etc.

I’m so sick of being treated like I can’t look after myself. It was only a couple of months ago when my self-respect increased to a healthier level and I realised that the way people treat me is actually unacceptable. It’s so frustrating how I’m trying to get away from these people and they just keep coming back to me and reminding me that now isn’t the time for drama. I don’t want drama! I just want to be alone! I want the freedom to be able to think for myself! I’m a young woman and many women before me have fought against patriarchal systems of society JUST so that young women like me can THINK. How is it that I am fighting girls (who are the same as me) for this right?

I just want to get away from people. I would just LOVE to be in some sort of mental institute where they either locked me up in a small cell and kept me drugged up so that I’d never have to deal with people again OR put me with people but keep us on a tight schedule that never changed so that I’d know what to do and when to do it and not need to be told what to do every day because I’d already know.

I called my dad and he told me “That’s life. You’re always going to have people like that bringing you down. You’re just going to have to learn to deal with it.” I replied, “What if I don’t believe it’s worth it? People always act so surprised when their children or brothers or sisters commit suicide as if there was no reason for them to die, when they were the same people who kept saying ‘That’s life. Deal with it.’ No one takes death lightly. And yet so many people welcome it because they honestly don’t believe that the pain is worth sticking around.” He just said “It’ll pass” to which I replied “You’re contradicting yourself. Am I always going to have to deal with being treated like this or will it all go away at the end of the year?” He didn’t know what to say so he passed the phone to mum. I told her everything and she didn’t know what to say either.

If only they knew that all I needed was to be reminded of one thing that makes me happy, just one thing to live for, to look forward to. Something that makes all the pain worth it. Just a simple “you are loved no matter what” would’ve calmed me down. That’s all I needed to hear. But no one thought to say it.

God, you know what makes this worse? The fact that one of their rooms is RIGHT next to mine and I can hear them laughing and mocking the noises I make when I cry and laughing about how I locked my door to keep them out.


11th August 2011

Today I found out that the CD that has one of my songs in it is ready to sell. My song is called “Lost Cause” and the inner booklets include a picture of each composer, a blurb about the meaning of their song and the lyrics.

This morning, one of my friends who’s in the group making the CDs said that one of our teachers had seen me in the booklet and said “oh yeah, Caroline’s definitely a lost cause.” He apparently said it jokingly, so I guess that’s okay. But then this afternoon another girl (NOT my friend) from the group said that her boyfriend had read through the booklet, saw my picture and said “yeah she looks like a lost cause alright.”

I laughed at both stories. I wish I didn’t hand in that song.

12th August 2011

New start. Not taking anymore of anyone's shit. I am better than this and I am better than them. I am going to learn to become responsible and independent and strive for what I want to achieve in life. No limits. Just me and my decisions. I'm not going to waste any more time following people/trends/ideas that have chewed me up and spat me back out again.

I. am. BEAUTIFUL.

caroline.. i don't know what to say because reading this made me feel really sad. all i can say is..

I. LOVE. YOU. THE. WAY. YOU. ARE.

Caroline, you are loved no matter what. You are beautiful, your songs are beautiful, and I am proud of you for making such a brave decision about how you're going to move on from here. I'm sending you all my love. I hope that, in future, the ones you give your love to will give you just as much in return.

I don't know if you still are looking for help but I used to suffer from the same problem. I don't know what you believe spiritually but it doesn't matter. If there are bad spirits there are good spirits. Someone is watching out for you. I reminded myself that demons can't randomly physically harm people. God is in control of them. Unless God allows it they can't go near you. So they try to control you in anyway they can. Don't let your fear of them control you. When I got really scared I would say Jesus protect me loudly. Now I am fine but there are still things I do. After I turn my light out I always pray. It calms me down and fills me with good energy.

31 August

I change my mind. I'm glad I handed in that song. My dad listened to it and suddenly believes in me so much more.

I talked to him about how split I am on my future. I want:
1. to become a family lawyer or a social worker in New Zealand, because I want to help families reach comfortable solutions.
2. to go to New York City and become part of the culture there. Spoken word poetry is strong there and I want to try it out. Also, anti-folk music originated there, which of course brought me to the beautiful Regina Spektor. Plus the New York accent you see on TV is extra yummy.... ^_^
3. to live in Scotland or England so that I could try out Archaeology there. I don't want to do it in New Zealand, because we're such a young country that there isn't as much amazing stuff to find. However, in Britain, not only would I find and learn about amazing stuff, I would have more access to my ancestry and the history of my family, which I am extremely passionate about.

Dad is unsure about whether I'll like number 1, because my brother is not enjoying uni at all, even though it's the best one in NZ.

After hearing "Lost Cause" and reading some of my poems, he understands number 2 and is more willing to support me in that. He's even going to contact his cousin who lives in NYC to see if he can send us better information on NYU than what the internet offers. He says he can imagine me getting into the culture there.

And we've always shared a passion for number 3. He wants to go back to university to finish studying Anthropology. He stopped studying it in his 20s so that he could train to be a dentist. So, of course, he's always supported that dream.

There's so much I want to do!!!

Update.

So, I posted the following message on two MoonChildren pages on facebook:
Moonsiblings:
Recently, I've been getting a lot of criticism from a family member I only just met yesterday. She doesn't even know me and she's already telling me that i'm useless. I'm now hiding in my room crying because I don't want to have to deal with her anymore. As soon as it started to hurt, I thought of you guys. I thought of how i'd never want another moonchild to feel like this because all moonchildren have such beautiful souls and are always so supportive of each other. So I just wanted to say that I love you so freaking much and that you can do anything so never let others put you down like this. Stand your ground. No one knows you better than you do, so YOU decide what you are capable of reach for the stars regardless of what anyone else says. Everyone has the potential to create beauty through the way they live their lives. And that includes YOU. I'm sorry for not being in touch on ToL or anything for so long. I.L.U.

The responses I got were so freaking beautiful and I first wanted to thank you guys for that oh and apologise for my terrible grammar that day... I think I’ll just blame my phone for that xD

Now, I owe you a bit more of an explanation. I recently flew to Dunedin for a week because I’m going to the university there next year and I wanted to see what it was like as well as visit my brother there. I went with my mum because she wanted to go down Memory Lane and visit some of her old friends who hadn’t left after uni. We were staying with my great aunt, whom I’ve never met before. She seemed nice enough at first but then she’d say all these nasty comments to me and my mum. For example, she told my mum off for not wearing makeup when we were about to go to a Taizé service one night. She stood in the doorway and said “You look disgusting. Look, Caroline is wearing makeup (I hadn’t bothered taking it off at the end of the day). How can you possibly leave the house looking like that?” I got annoyed and said “She doesn’t need makeup. She has a natural beauty and it’s hereditary which you wouldn’t understand because you’re not related to us by blood. Not all women need to cake it on to look beautiful.” She said “No comment” but moved out of the way anyway. Another time she said, “You could get money through babysitting. Except you have absolutely no experience and no one in their right mind would leave their kids with you. I mean, you’d be terrible with children.” I kindly reminded her that I’d managed to look after orphans in Fiji who couldn’t even speak English pretty well so surely I’d be pretty good with kiwi children. Those were really the only two cases where I stood up to her. The other times I just left the room. I especially got angry at my mum because she never stood up for us. She just nodded and tried to change the conversation. I mean, my great aunt gave her so much shit about her weight. I mean, honestly? My mum’s not stupid. She knows she’s overweight. However, she’s an adult and can make decisions for herself. Even though she makes some bad choices, at least she takes responsibility for herself. She does NOT need an old woman giving her shit about it! And she has this lovely cat who’s really old and frail, but she leaves it outside at night (Dunedin’s notorious for being one of the coldest places in New Zealand) because she doesn’t want a cat-door because they’re “tacky”. She even told me off for patting the cat because the fur makes her cough. Being crazy cat womem, mum and I wanted to take little Phoebe and keep her for ourselves!

So, yeah, I hated staying with my great aunt. She’s just a stereotypical grumpy old hag, in my opinion. Harsh, I know, but no one talks to me or my family like that! Mum still wants me to visit her every weekend next year. Um. No, thanks.

Anywhooo, I’d been looking forward to this trip for a couple of months, because I wanted to see where I’d be living and visit my brother and stay at his flat. However, the day before we left, I got a letter in the mail saying that I hadn’t gotten into the three residential halls that I’d applied for but that I’d been accepted into a completely different one. Now, this residential hall is the biggest one and is basically in the middle of all the main university buildings (as opposed to those ages away). Technically it’s a really good place to be with lots of people to meet and easy access to the library etc, but I applied for the three extremely studious, quiet, non-alcoholic, slightly stuck-up, traditional halls and the one I got into is notorious for its drinking and parties. Sooo I spent that day crying and didn’t want to go the next day. But then, I did go and looked around this hall and thought it was okay and pretty much the same as the boarding house I live in at the moment. The main difference is that it’s mixed with both girls and guys, which scares the shit outta me. I’m paranoid enough at an all-girls school. So... yeah D: BUT I did start getting things for my room.

Ooh and mum and I spent 2 hours at the University Book Shop. It’s freaking amazing and beautiful and oh my god. Let’s just say I wouldn’t mind having a part-time job there when I move down. I even found three sets of oracle cards: general, faery and angel. I really wanted the faery cards (I can’t really explain why... I’m just going to assume that you understand what I mean), but I had forgotten my wallet and my mum refused to lend me money for something “ungodly” I’m so sick of Christianity. Like I told my brother that I want to go to the Taizé services next year because I like the atmosphere with silence/chanting and incense and how half the people who go there aren’t even Christian, which is okay with the priest there. A guy there who helped set up the services even said that they’ve had Wiccan students go to their Taizé services (I have got to find out where to find the community of Wiccans and Pagans there, just so that I can learn about different forms of spirituality from real people instead of relying on the internet!). Anyway, when I said all of this to my brother, he got all angry at me and said that God isn’t in that church and why would I want to go to a church service without reaching to God and blah blah blah He just really REALLY pissed me off. I’m tired of the politics of religion. I wanna find a small group of people who don’t force their beliefs on others, which is why I wanna find people who believe in magick... Even if it is just another little phase of mine

Hmmm I can’t remember what else I wanted to say... but then, this post is long enough as it is, sooo I miss you marshmallows very much and I’ll try to stay in touch, although I do have the big exams coming up so chances are you’ll only hear from me when I’m procrastinating

I.L.U.
XO
Caroline

Caroline, you're wise enough to know that none of your great aunt's opinions of you or your mother are true, nor do they matter in the slightest. I feel sorry for her...she seems like this sad, lonely woman who tries to bring others down to make herself feel better in her own skin. You shouldn't be made to go and see her if you don't want to, especially if that's how she's going to behave towards you all the time.

As for the uni and halls predicament, chances are some element of it is going to scare you. (Personally, I was so worried that nobody was going to like me, and that I'd end up not making friends. How wrong I was.) Whichever halls you go to, there are going to be such varieties of people. It's not like school, there are no cliques or groups in any sense. Everyone all mixes up together.

In a way, the fact that there are mixed genders in the halls you have a place in may very well be good for you, seeing as you're so used to being around only girls in that sort of environment. Boys are more easygoing usually as well, so it breaks the tension of the bitchiness between girls that's pretty much unavoidable, as you very well know. And the partying, well, I highly suggest you join in! It doesn't mean you have to get absolutely plastered or stay up till all hours, and I doubt anyone will force you to if you don't want to. But uni is about gaining a sense of your own freedom and being at least a bit wild, no matter what the "responsible adults" may say about "being there to learn and take studying seriously blah blah blah". In fact, you get there and not even the lecturers say anything about that. You're left to your own devices. Of course, studying is important too, but it isn't everything. There are so many opportunities for fun at uni as well, and it would be a shame for you to miss out on them. Consider what you truly want really carefully, and think about what a good time you'll have (which you will - like I said, uni's totally different to being at school), not what might go wrong. You will be fine

Haha, I doubt that your connection to the magickal is just a phase The Fae choose who they connect with very carefully. (That comes from Vyvi, not me, so that's the truth ^^) And I know what you mean about really wanting those faery cards. When I bought my faery oracle cards, there were three or four different decks, and my mum and auntie suggested getting one of the less expensive ones because they were "basically the same thing". But I didn't just want the ones I bought, I felt like I needed them and couldn't possibly leave without them, like they were going to have some dramatic impact on my life. And tadaaa, they did! Your cards choose you. So I'm sure the ones you want, or the ones that want you, will find their way to you at the right time ^^

I hope you do find at least one person who shares your beliefs. If not, university is full of people who are open minded and don't hold anyone's beliefs against them, and accept them nonetheless. It is a far more mature setting. You will be perfectly fine. Take this from somebody who knows university life very well, and is aware of all its ups and downs. You won't regret going, never for very long at least. I've never regretted it, even for a second

Love you lots little sister, keep your chin up and be happy <3

I HAVE OFFICIALLY GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL

Today, we had our Tertiary Leavers Chapel Service, got our year books and had our graduation ball. At both of the ceremonies today, when reading my name out, my teacher said my last name as "Bushfield" instead of "Busfield". Good to see I've made a lasting impression

OOH and I FINALLY got my Dio Bear!!! It's a teddy bear wearing a mini size school uniform and I have wanted one since I was thirteen because they are just so darn CUTE:

I still don't know what to name herrrr

Sooo basically, my aim for the graduation ball was to look drop dead gorgeous so that I could make a good last impression and prove that even though I'm a weird, shy, little girl, I can still look HAWT. *cough* Mission Accomplished. I got my makeup done with really natural tones and colours, got my hair straightened and cut and got a fringe (except I hear people overseas usually call them bangs...?), wore a black ribbon choker thingy as well as a black ring and bracelets with diamantes on them, wore amazing high-heeled boots with zips and buckles and laces on them, and while everyone else looked insanely orange in their fake tans, embraced my pale complexion It's was the most "bubblegoth" I've ever felt, and one of my friends said I reminded her of Kerli which made me want to hug 20 of the people closest to me, whether I knew them or not. It was an amazing feeling. So many people didn't recognise me because I looked so different. Seriously was on a shallow high from feeling so damn beautiful... Except now, at 1:25AM, after the ball I'm effing tired and look like this:




I am seriously keeping these boots and wearing them EVERYWHERE next year at Uni ^_^ It feels so good to be able to do what I want with my appearance without worrying about whether I'm going against school regulations or not. I have another hair appointment late January to get green streaks added. EEEEEEEP!!! I plan on losing as much weight as possible (recent final exams have seen terrible binge-eating habits) and redoing my wardrobe. I want to own as many pairs of stockings and tights as possible (it's really cold where I'm going next year) with all sorts of colours and patterns and I want to get a few short tutu-ish skirts of various colours, and a black jacket REINVENTION IN PROGRESS.

As soon as I can grab photos from the ball, I shall post them here.

I'm sorry I haven't been online a lot for a very long time. For some reason, I've felt little reason to. Like my connection with MoonChildren is fading Must. Not. Happen!

I.L.U. moonchildren

happy for you.

EEEEEEEE! You see, aren't I (and several other people on here) always saying that you are beautiful? Those photos are gorgeous! And honestly, I don't see any difference in the second one except that you're pulling a face xD It's still cute though <3 I'm so happy for you, and I hope you have the time of your life at uni.

Haha, Caroline Bushfield, I like it! Reminds me of Kate Bush ^^

Maybe you feel like you don't need to be on here as much because you're feeling better about and within yourself lately You have been busy as well. I doubt your connection to us is fading. The MoonChild bond will not break that easily

I love you soooooo much little sister. Can't wait to see your ball photos! Aaaaaahh, I'm so proud of you!

Caroline is sooo pretty!!! Wah I can't wait to see the pictures

Lol I know whats it like with boots, my usual school get up is black pattern stockings and boots with my red/black/white uniform :3

It's an amazing feeling, to be dolled up and feel like a model afterwards :]

@butterflycry2010: thank you
@TheLastSongbird: I like your theory much better than my "connection fading" theory
@Claudia: You're allowed those things WITH your school uniform!?!? *sigh* my school is/was (ooh, past tense, weird) so strict about everything. Apparently if people see us in town after school wearing our uniform incorrectly, they assume our school is a hole... ridiculouuuus I must say, your "usual school get up" sounds pretty damn perfect to me



Ok, so I don't actually have ball photos just yet... I'm hoping I'll be able to get some off my friend within the next week, maybe...

I just had my month-early-18th-birthday-celebration. I'd been planning this party for, like, the past 5 months... My actual birthday is in January, but that's the middle of our summer holidays so people are usually away then, so I decided to celebrate a month early.

Earlier in the year, while I was in Fiji, I bought a pretty green sari. I was planning to wear it to the grad ball, but then I found the black dress that I ended up wearing instead and realised I had nowhere to wear the sari. So I decided to make the party Indian themed. We all dressed in saris, went to an Indian restaurant, watched a couple of "Bollywood" movies at my friend's house, and stayed the night there. It was amaaazing and I wanted to show some photos of THAT.

About to leave for restaurant:


Walking through town to get to the restaurant:



Meeeeeeeeee:


You know how mothers occasionally use the whole "9 months of uncomfortable pregnancy and hours of painful labour" story to remind their children to be appreciate them?? Well, I got two cakes this year: one Indian themed one and one with a "birth scene" on it. My mother is truly insane xD

Indian themed cake:



"Birth Scene" cake:


Later at the sleepover:


I really try to post photos with as few people as possible, because I'm fine with having pictures of me here, but others aren't, which is understandable. Just thought I should point that out in case any of my friends that make appearances in these photos are reading this

Ball Photos:



Aaaaand that's all I'm posting for now

I want to be taken somewhere minimalistic. Somewhere with white walls and ceilings and floors where all the edges and corners are smoothed down into “safer” surfaces. I want to be told I’m crazy and that there is something wrong with me, so much so that they had to take me away from society and concentrate my surroundings into nothing so that outside colours wouldn’t be able to influence me anymore. I want to be told that I’m broken and defective. I just want them to leave me in a room by myself and watch me through a mirror while I sit on the floor and stare into space. I want a strict (but secretly kind) woman to walk in and say, “Something is wrong with you now, but we are going to fix you and in a few months you’ll be good as new.”

I don’t want this feeling to be healthy or okay. I’d rather be told that this is rock bottom and it can’t get any worse. Instead, I feel like I’m stuck in a lift and I have no idea what floor I’m on or how many floors there are in the first place. I should be happy that I’m “mentally healthy”. Except it just means that there’s no medical explanation for how I feel or act or think. That’s just how it is.

My parents always say “that’s just a part of life”. I hate it when people say that. Because every time I hear that phrase, my first thought is “well, life is just the ability to breathe, and a few more breaths isn’t really worth all of that pain and struggle”. And someday, I might even act on that thought. The thing that’s stopping me is that, if I get off the lift on this floor, I’m going to be stuck on that floor for the rest of eternity and I have no idea what is going to be on that floor, whereas I know the limits of the lift and can feel comfortable in knowing that it exists.

And the longer you sit on a fence, the more splinters you get in your ass.

I can honestly say I understand. I want there to be some defined reason for how strange I am too, because every so often it becomes too much. But there is nothing wrong with how you are, or how I am, or how anyone on Earth is. We've been born in an era where the human race is undergoing a huge shift, so people think and feel on so many different levels now, and we are going to jar with certain people because of that. Your parents most likely don't know how to console you, because if even you can't explain how you feel or why, then how are they supposed to?

No matter what happens, don't feel like you don't belong here. Because you do, with us. With MoonChildren. You have so many reasons and every right to be here as you are. The greatest things are difficult or painful to accomplish, and I know you have an important mission to undertake.

And here's another reason why you should be here: Because I love you, and I need you to help me stay strong. You are important to me, and I want us to be under the same sky, walking on the same earth, for as long as possible. This is my problem, I literally feel I couldn't go on without the ones I love. Sometimes that hurts, and earns me more pain than other people involved who may "deserve" it more in terms of logic. But, then again, logic has no place in matters of the heart. Most of the time I don't see all this as a problem at all, because to love this deeply is a beautiful thing. You love deeply too. It needs to be balanced by something. We need the hard times to appreciate how good the good truly is.

I would rather be this way than easily understood, simple to read, without many dimensions. I know for a fact you think that too, despite the difficulties it brings. You are wonderful. Being different is a gift that reveals its rewards slowly, in even measures. You've known a few, and you have many more in store. Just hang in there. Just like you taught me; kia kaha •♥•

very pretty pics.

Hello there, strangers

As Liz has pointed out, I tend to come back to ToL when I need it the most. I started my first year of uni and haven’t had much of an opportunity to catch up here. I may attempt it this afternoon. I just really need to talk to someone right now. (Don’t read this if it might upset you… I don’t really know how to warn you effectively)

I haven’t been homesick, even though I’m in a completely different part of the country to my parents (as in the other main island in New Zealand) and my brother who’s doing his fourth year here only ever talks to me when he needs food… I just don’t miss it.

I haven’t talked to any of my high school friends here. One of them annoys the hell out of me and I tend to feel like shit whenever we talk so I’ve been actively avoiding her. I’m not alone, though. I’ve made a whole lot of new friends and already love them dearly.

However, in saying that, I’ve been having the weirdest “mood swings”. I’m always either overly excited about everything (annoyingly so) and greeting every single person I pass on the street, or I’m sitting in a corner of my room in the dark for hours on end, just crying. Sometimes I read my EA Asylum book, which cheers me up a little.

I haven’t had much of an appetite and have only been eating at every fourth/fifth meal. Other than that, I’ve been feeling a little faint but really can’t stand the sight or smell of food. Oh, but of course that just makes me GAIN weight instead of LOSE it.

I’ve never cut myself before, but lately I haven’t thought of much else. The only “sharp” object/blade I have is a pair of scissors but they’re so blunt that the best I can do is scratch at my legs and arms repeatedly until they turn red and numb. I just tried to disassemble a razor to get to the blades but I’m seriously failing at that too. It’s so frustrating. I can’t even hurt myself, but I let others do it to me all the time!? That’s not right.

And, of course, there’s a guy back home that I met during the summer that I developed a silly crush on and I just sat through a skype conversation with him about a blind date he had that went really well, so I’ve been crying over that silly stuff.

I’ve been looking up suicide methods, but none of them seem right to me. I don’t want to kill myself, you know? I don’t want to suddenly be a dead body. I just don’t want to exist anymore.

I’m sorry for the shit way I’m writing all of this. It’s so hard to explain. I just had to put it in “writing” so that I could at least PRETEND that I was being heard.

I've stopped writing songs and poems. I just can't do it anymore.

I understand if ToL has changed into a community that I can’t truly be a part of due to my ridiculous absence.

Much love,
Caroline.

My sweet Caroline, I think I know what you're going through, it's your Starseed Awakening. Starseeds seem to be pretty much the same thing as Indigo Children, if they aren't exactly the same thing - humans with alien DNA who often feel they don't belong on Earth. I've been reading up on this, and I've been undergoing the same transformation lately. Mine hasn't been quite so painful, but each person will experience it in different ways. Here all the 'symptoms' of DNA Ascension are explained, along with advice on how to combat the ones that are difficult for you to deal with: http://erotiska-expansionen.tumblr.com/post/15717033177/symptoms-of-dna-ascension

You will feel like you want to leave, because technically everything is ending in preparation for a new beginning. You just have to fight through it Caroline, and I know you can. Sudden waves of emotion and drastic changes in appetite are definitely there in the list of effects on the body during Starseed Awakening. It's explained in the link I've given you. Changes in weight is also there, and I'm sure you'll find other things that resonate, hopefully positive things. This transformation is a beautiful thing to be going through, even though it won't feel that way at times. We are becoming higher versions of ourselves.

Your body knows what it needs, be sure of that. Don't stress if it seems you're not "getting enough" food or sleep in terms of the usual definition of that. You're causing yourself unnecessary worry that way, and this type of awakening can cause anxiety as it is, because we are anticipating the beginning and everything being new.

Please, please don't hurt yourself in any way, I can't say that enough. Don't harm your physical body, because your soul needs it in good working order to be here so you can complete your mission. Besides, it would hurt me to think that you're hurting yourself. I love you, dear sister, and it breaks my heart to think of you being so unhappy. I wish I could give you the hugest hug and tell you in person that everything will be alright. Trust me though, it will be, and you're never alone in this. I'm here if you feel confused or upset by what you're going through. Always <3 Remember that you deserve life, and you will in every lifetime you have.

I'm sure the creativity will return to you. I've had a surge of it recently, so I think that might be just waiting to happen to you. Try writing what you feel anyway, even if it's only in the form of a diary. Expressing these things never fails to take the weight off your soul. Maybe from that the songs and poetry will form in you again.

You will always belong here Caroline, please don't feel like you have to leave us. Nobody here will want you to feel that way. You can return to us whenever you need us. We are family - always there for you to come back to when things are at their worst. We all love you. I know I'm repeating myself here, but I just want you to be sure that everything will be ok. You're a strong soul, you wouldn't be going through this if you weren't. Find that strength and Light in yourself, sweetheart. Kia kaha <3

That all sounds very beautiful, but even as I read that post on DNA Ascension and your beautiful words, I can't help but feel disconnected from it all. As though none of it applies to me.


I'm starting on the medication for my skin again. I had to sign a consent form that said the following:

Before I take Isotretinoin I will tell my doctor:
1) If I have at any stage experienced symptoms of depression, mental illness or had thoughts of suicide.
2) If I know there are people in my family who have ever suffered from depression, mental illness or have suicidal tendencies.
3) If I have at any stage been on, or if I am currently taking antidepressant, anti-anxiety or anti-psychotic medication.

Once I start using Isotretinoin, I will STOP TAKING ISOTRETINOIN and I will URGENTLY tell my doctor if I experience any of the following:
1) Start to isolate myself from friends and family.
2) Feel sad and cry for little reason.
3) Experience irrational guilt, shame or anxiety.
4) Feel worthless and hopeless.
5) Experience changes to my normal sleeping pattern such as sleeping too much or too little.
6) Feel lethargic and lacking in energy all the time.
7) Want to hurt myself or think about suicide.
Lack concentration and lose interest in activities I once enjoyed.
9) Feel irritable all the time.
10) Eat too much or too little and lose or gain weight quickly or significantly.

I understand Isotretinoin can have serious side effects in some people.

Basically, all of these already apply to me, except I've never taken anti-depressants, anti-anxiety or anti-psychotic medication - mostly because I've never told anyone about it and because I'm not important enough for anyone to notice. How can they expect someone who feels like this to tell their doctor? I for one never want to see a psychologist or a counsellor etc ever again.

I've been thinking about suicide everyday for the past month. I've chosen a date in November. If I still want to attempt, I will. If I don't, I won't. I've been spending more time on researching methods than I have on focusing on my work.

I'm too weak for this.

oh my gosh! i just saw you around and came to your blog..i read everything you wrote, as i was reading a novel or something..can't say i've been there, but what i see is a really really pretty and cute girl, with a weird life, that thinks about suicide, WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT..many people have problems, many people suffer, you should stay strong..suicide only shows you are weak and try to escape things... make some happy thoughts, make plans, make dreams...make things come true..and please don't you ever, EVER, thing suicide again...we are all siblings here, and you are really loved... <3

Iridescent_Revival_<3 wrote:Basically, all of these already apply to me, except I've never taken anti-depressants, anti-anxiety or anti-psychotic medication - mostly because I've never told anyone about it and because I'm not important enough for anyone to notice. How can they expect someone who feels like this to tell their doctor? I for one never want to see a psychologist or a counsellor etc ever again.

Caroline - please tell your doctor. Or please please please talk to someone there with you about how you have been feeling. Or call someone, there are always hotlines ( this is a suicide help/awareness page that has some hotline suggestions )

And remember you can always talk here, except that we can't physically be there with you even though I'm sure we would be if we could!! WE LOVE YOU! You are always welcomed here and however infrequently you may write, we still want to hear from you!!

Know that you are always important enough for notice. Please don't harm yourself.

Hi Caroline, I’m so happy that you back on TOL. I miss to you so much. Excuse me that I didn’t write to you on Facebook :’(

Honey, it good that you wrote what you feel. We love you so much. You don’t must us warn… we are here for you.

Honey, on uni you started new part of your life. Your mood swings is a normal. We are only humans and we have right to it. Don’t worry. Please eat. You must eat. Your body needs food to feel good. Don;t cut yourself. This isn’t answer for your problems. Always when you wanna do it, think about the Best stuffs in your life or write. You can always write to me. Don’t think about suicide. You must to live!!!!! Please don’t stop writing. You have so amazing talent. You can’t stop. Maybe try write about your feelings. This is so good. You will feel more free.

You are and you will be all time part of TOL!!!! Don’t think bad about yourself. Please. You don’t know how much we love you. You are in my heart. I don’t want lose so wonderful sister like you!!!!

And please, say to doctor what you feel. It will be help you.

I send to you many love and hugs. Don’t forget that I love you. When my Internet will works better I’ll try write to you on Facebook.

*trigger warning (depression/self-harm/suicide?)*

I'm at home for a week for the mid-semester break and went to the family doctor today. My mum came with me but I said that I wanted to see him by myself so she waited outside but wasn't too happy about it. I told him that I've been cutting myself and was planning to kill myself in November last year by drinking hydrogen peroxide but had agreed with my boyfriend to put it off in an attempt to make things better. He has prescribed some Fluoxetine (Prozac) for me.

I tried going to a counselor at Student Health but that really wasn't helping. She gave me a list of unhealthy ways of thinking (e.g. catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, etc.) and while all of them applied to me, there was no suggestion on how to work on these. She just said "stop thinking like that" which really pissed me off. She also said that my "homework" was to think of something that I liked about myself and I told her straight away that I've never been able to think of anything positive about myself because there's nothing about me to like. Her response was "well, you must have some good qualities otherwise you wouldn't have a boyfriend or any friends" which got me even more pissed off. I pointed out that it is very likely for people to attach themselves to others solely for convenience and instead of responding with a valid argument she just said "that's not true". So I really don't wanna go back there. I just need to stop cutting because I can't hide it in my clinic sessions and labs. Ugh.

I actually can't believe you're going through something like this

Genuinely, you seem to be one of the bubbliest people I know.. Why do you think you feel that way?
I mean.. we all have days when we look at ourselves and think 'oh god' but for you to feel that extreme about yourself.. it just makes me so sad.

Don't be sad!!! I've just been really tearful and hopeless the last couple of years. Technically speaking, my life is great and I'm very lucky. I'm very good at smiling and cracking jokes to make others feel better. It's just gotten a little harder to do so because I haven't been looking after myself properly. I just need to get out of the hopelessness somehow. I'm working on it and part of that is reaching out to people I've been neglecting during this time, including my ToL whānau

It's so great to see you back and feeling a bit better Caroline. I hope you can gather plenty of people around you who make you feel like you don't have to be all alone in what you're going through. Sending you lots of love and light

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I'm so glad that you do want to work on it though and I hope we can all help you out in some way, even if it's just be listening (or reading ).

I also hope you're able to find a better counselor or someone else in a helper position. I'm going to school for counseling now and everything your school counselor is doing is definitely not okay for her to be doing! Not only is it ineffective, but it sounds a tiny bit unethical >_<

Anyway, I know I don't know you too well but I'll be sending hopeful thoughts your way!

Sooo I had my last day of classes yesterday and now I'm studying for my exams on the 1st and 7th of November.

There's been a lot of drama in my flat lately - especially as one particular girl has been pretty unbearable all year, being a bit of a "princess". Apparently her past flats have had the same issues with her. Still, only have to put up with her for the rest of this month so I'll just avoid her until then.

I broke up with my boyfriend several weeks ago, although we haven't really had a proper relationship most of the year. I noticed he would grimace whenever I leaned in to kiss him so I asked him about it and he kept saying stuff like "I'm just not attracted to you in that way" and "I'm not ready for a serious relationship". I'd just like to point out that we'd been dating since last year in May. I know that doesn't sound like much but it's still over a year. When I asked him what he was thinking when he said yes to going out with me, he said "I thought that if I said no I might lose you as a friend and figured that you'd make a good first girlfriend". So I've been feeling really rejected repeatedly for a while now. This is why I keep playing up any little good thing that happens because I'm really trying to grasp some confidence in myself? That probably doesn't make sense but oh well.

Attempted my first night of clubbing. I got kicked out of the first place within a minute because my friend slapped the bouncer on the way in and the security guy thought it was me because the descriptor he was given was "curly hair girl in red dress" even though my dress was purple but ok. And I was in an angry mood after that so my friend bought me a drink at the next place but I found out the hard way that I can't handle drinking and dancing at the same time so I went home. But not before one of the guys we were with said "if you don't go to the next place with us, I will backhand you right now" so that's not happening again, thank you. I'll just stay home and get drunk on cheap wine in my pyjamas while eating mud cake and watching chick flicks like the loser I am

I started writing this when I felt like talking but that feeling has gone now so I may add to this later.

I miss this place. I weirdly miss high school. I miss being able to finish class at 3:20 to go back to the boarding house where I could write song lyrics and poetry before posting it here on Friday nights (I mean I grimace when I read back through it all, but still, it was so helpful to me) when I got home and staying up all night to talk to all these wonderful people. I was so lucky to have found Kerli's music at a time when I was still figuring myself out and for that to have led me to this beautiful community. I miss it so much. I miss having the time to MAKE something that wasn't requested as part of an assignment. I miss feeling creative, like I was good at something. I miss not having to worry about finding somewhere to live. My Love Is Dead poster has been moved around so many places that it got so torn up that I got frustrated one night and ended up throwing all my posters out. I miss the way those posters made me feel protected in my own room, but they became something I felt embarrassed about. I thought they showed how immature I was but they didn't and I miss them.

I miss having the time and freedom to read the books I wanted, to have at least 7 hours of sleep everynight, not having to worry about how my school performance affected anyone else. Because it didn't. Now I have class from 8-5 and I usually stay at the dental school organizing things for patients (making appointments and writing care plans) until much later before getting home late and trying to finish assignments while also doing extra research to prepare as much as possible for the next day's appointments. We provide kids with dental care and we're responsible for keeping them safe and making the experience as positive as possible so that they don't grow up with a huge fear of dentists. Every day I'm terrified of traumatizing one of them. I'm terrified of giving local anaesthetic to kids who don't understand why I'm doing it. I'm terrified of causing anyone harm. I'm terrified that I'll miss something in a patient's medical history. I'm terrified that a patient will have a medical emergency in my chair and I won't know what to do. I'm terrified everyday because there's so much risk and I feel so inadequate. I strongly believe in what we do but I don't feel capable of doing it well.

Now all I do is disappoint people and waste time. I have one more semester and have no idea what I'll do after that. I miss the security.

I figure I may as well do another update. Can't expect ToL to return to its former glory without contributing as much as possible, right?

• I finished my Bachelor's degree last year but have started on a Postgraduate Diploma this year and may go on to do my Master's.
  
• My girlfriend and I moved into our own flat after having a terrible experience with a certain flatmate last year - we didn't think we could risk trusting someone new, in case we ended up with someone just as self-entitled.
  
• We adopted a cat recently. Her name is Margie (after Margaery Tyrell) and she is a magnificent floof floof.
  
• My mental health is pretty good at the moment. Still need to work on my confidence but I'm definitely much better than I used to be. In fact, I've improved so much over the past few years that I got a certificate from my classmates for it.
  
• My standards for friendships have increased once my uni friends helped me learn to avoid using self-depricating humour, which I think has helped me respect myself more in recent years.
  
• I absolutely LOVE Feral Hearts and Blossom. Especially Blossom. It just perfectly aligns with how I've been feeling in terms of my recent achievements, even though the origin of the song has a much different meaning for Kerli. But I think it's safe to say that I look forward to the rest of the album.
  
• I genuinely miss you guys. I occasionally consider messaging people I'm still friends with on Facebook, but realize how weird that must seem after not speaking for so long. So if you're reading this, please feel free to message me and tell me how you're doing

And, as always, kia kaha moonchildren I.L.U.

Thanks for the update and for contributing! It makes me super happy to see people posting in other places again!

Good luck with your Postgrad work! I'm doing my Master's now and it's exhausting @_@

Also congrats on moving, a new kitty, better friends, and self love! Sounds like a lot of new positive relationships in your life, which always feels good to have. 

Definitely sounds like you have indeed "blossomed" recently. So awesome to see confidence grow! It can be super difficult.

stargirlstrike wrote:Good luck with your Postgrad work! I'm doing my Master's now and it's exhausting @_@

Oh what are you studying for your Master's (if you don't mind me asking, of course)?

stargirlstrike wrote:Definitely sounds like you have indeed "blossomed" recently. So awesome to see confidence grow! It can be super difficult.

This is also part of why I hope more people return to the forum - A few people were in unhappy situations the last time they checked in and it would be so good to see how they are now - I hope they have gained more positivity in their lives.

Iridescent_Revival_<3 wrote:Oh what are you studying for your Master's (if you don't mind me asking, of course)?

This is also part of why I hope more people return to the forum - A few people were in unhappy situations the last time they checked in and it would be so good to see how they are now - I hope they have gained more positivity in their lives.

I'm studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling. They have us do a lot of personal work, so it's already been quite the journey! Do you mind if I ask what your Bachelor's is in? I wasn't sure if you'd mentioned it. 

That's definitely true. I've just re-read through a lot of your blog and I'm even more happy for you! So much seems to have changed for you and your story is so powerful! Thank you for sharing. I know I haven't been a member as long as some of the others to have read your story from the beginning, but it's inspiring to read through now as well. I hope others have gained positivity too. Even if they haven't, I do hope more people return. I see some people's usernames pop up every once and a while and I wonder how they're doing.

My bachelor's is in oral health and that kind of led me to health promotion which is what my postgrad is endorsing in. Last I checked they didn't do oral health in the US because dental therapy isn't so much of a thing there? I could be wrong though

I tried re-reading my blog too but it's pretty difficult to do so. It's hard to believe things were so bad and I kind of wish I hadn't brought it to such a happy place here. But I guess I can't change that.

You're right, we don't have oral health as part of dental degrees, though I couldn't really figure out why. Health promotion definitely sounds interesting as well!

I appreciate that you brought those things here. I think a lot of Moonchildren here had or still have a lot of darkness in their lives and coming here for support is helpful and makes them feel less alone.