Iridescent_Revival_<3 (rants-a-lot)

Your never behind in writing a book, a lot of people who does is in their mid twenties or thirties.

Plenty of time :]

shweeeet

Yeah, it's nova :]

Dude, come to Auckland Uni with me! (If I go).
For a BA of Arts, they have a writing studies course, and you can do things like Philosophy, Psychology, Linguistics, Latin, and Ethics. Don't know what Metaphysics is, though?

lol LOOK IT UP *oh yeah i totally sounded like my mother just then...*

The uni sounds interesting :3

I actually want to go to uni in a foreign country, like Sweden or something.

hahaha come to NZ! it's much more... exotic? lol nah it's just easier than everywhere else xD

^Oh yes NZ ^_^

I could live with youuu when I am in uni!

I also have plans to live in Germany with a friend when I leave Uni ;]

Hi honey

What is NZ???

^ New Zealand

Aaaaaand HELLO NATT!!!! I wasn't here when you actually came back and oh how I've missed you, girl!!!!!!!!!

Thanks

Today I came back I also miss for you

Entry #23

EXAMS HAVE ENDED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have 20 pages to catch up on in "What are you thinking?" alone! As per usual, I have missed you guys very much! Although, I am able to go on facebook at school because it is free on Telecom phones so at least I wasn't totally disconnected!

I have finished the long poem and have decided that I will post it under the section for stories because it is more of a short story. I don't really like the end, but I got a bit lost on how to indicate what I wanted to indicate. So PLEASE read it and let me know what you think I should do with the end??? Yes? No pressure?

At the moment, I'm actually watching some MoonChild Correspondant videos on youtube and it's amazing to see some of you guys on there Unfortunately, I still have a lot of trouble with keeping to ILU so it will be a while before I can promote it with a clean heart. Until then, you guys are my inspiration.

I bought a giant Kerli poster this week!!! I freaking LOVE it. There were actually two at the shop, but I couldn't afford the second one. Why I wanted to buy two of the same poster, I'll never know xD. I still find it strange how a CD store sells Kerli posters, but not Kerli CDs... hmm...

I will be home (with access to ToL) for another week so YAAAAY!!!!!!

I've been doing some research on what I could do for "book ideas" and I'm getting some really good stuff and I'm actually getting quite excited about planning them. For now, I just want to completely plan a book, and write it later after gaining some more skills in writing.

Um um um um ummmm... can't think of anything else right now. Soooo....

I.L.U.!!!!!!
- Caroline

PS: WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN UP TO!?!?

Entry #24

Warning: I would usually vent this towards one of my friends but she hasn't been online and I just really need to get it out. I know this topic makes most of my friends uncomfortable, so just keep that in mind. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

My friend (who I've mentioned here many times before) has her birthday party on Sunday. She kept asking me to come but I'm just freaking out because she'd be the only person I know. And people just really scare me. Plus her friends sound like a really bad "crowd" with the smoking and drinking and sex, even though most of them are only 13 or 14. They're the "lesbian group" at their school and get a lot of shit from people. I would sympathise for them if they had a different attitude towards sex and stuff. And ever since she's started hanging out with these people, it's like her morals have completely switched up.

I remember when we were 12 she would always hide her mum's lighters/cigarettes/ash trays to try and stop her from smoking because she hated it so much. Now she does it, but only when her friends do. At the start of this year, I confronted her about it and she said "I don't see the problem. Everyone does it". I pointed out that there are shitloads of people who don't do it and even if everyone does it, that doesn't make it right; it just makes you common.

Also, whenever something related to sex was mentioned, she'd freak out/cry, due to the trauma caused from there being sexual abuse in her family. She was 14 or 15 when she got a 20 year old boyfriend. She met him on facebook. Later on, I found out that he's actually one of my brother's friends from Christian Camp. I also found out that when she moved out of town, she moved to a house that was right behind his. She told me that one night he'd come to her house in the middle of the night and she climbed out of her two-storey window and they went over to his house and had sex. His parents were there and thought that her mum had dropped her off. Crazy shit, right? She's my age and she's had sex with at least 4 people since then, both girls and boys. It scares me. She just seems so self-destructive.

Anyway, I haven't seen her in about 1.5 years. During this time, our friendship has gone through a whole lot of shit. For example, her boyfriend cheated on her with me. I hate myself for doing this, but I'm not gonna try to pretend it didn't happen. I was the one who told her. I'd already told her that he kept saying suggestive stuff to me the whole time they were together but she'd keep saying "oh but that's just how he is" and "he was just drunk. No biggie". Even when I told her that he said that he loves me, she ignored it. So, after a few months of him hassling me, I began to respond. I know it was stupid but I honestly believed that no one else would want me and that that would be my only chance of having someone. He kept saying "it'll be alright. She doesn't have to find out". But I hated lying to her, especially when she always referred to him as her "knight in shining armour".

So I told her about a year ago. She stuck with him and hated me. Although, she eventually broke up with him on New Year's Eve. I remember because I was down in the South Island and he kept sending me texts saying that he was going to come over to my house and kill me for making her break up with him. Oh and then I started going out with him on the 12th of February. Stupid, huh?

But, that's not my point. I mean now, after all of that, we have become friends again (and often talk about how stupid we were to let a guy, who really isn't a catch in the first place, get between us). We've been friends for about 6 years now. We used to be inseperable. Whenever there was a fight in our group of 4 friends, her and I would always back each other up. When my mother got in a car crash and went to hospital, I lived at her house for like a month. Her family was my family and vice versa.

But now it's different. She's moved to a town about 45 minutes away from my hometown and about 2 hours away from my school, so I never see her. Somehow, I don't think it would be good of us to re-unite at her birthday party with all her friends there when we have a lot of awkward conversations and apologies to get through before we can honestly be good friends again.

So I asked her if we could make a compromise: I'll go to her birthday on Sunday if she stays the night at my house on Wednesday. Just so we can have a chance to talk some things through and come to a common agreement. She agreed and I've been looking forward to it ever since.

However, she told me that she just needed to sort out transport. I kept asking "have you checked with your mum, yet?" and she'd just say something like "oh she's in the shower but i will after" and "i'm going to sleep now so i'll ask her tomorrow". I stopped asking cos I knew I sounded pathetic and annoying. She never mentioned it again and now it is early evening on Wednesday, and she's now smoking with the band she joined yesterday (it's called "Celestian" but she doesn't even know what that means...).

And yet, she still expects me to turn up to her birthday party on Sunday. I'm seriously too scared to go when I have to face her scary friends AND come to a common agreement AND congratulate her on her birthday all in one go. That's too much social pressure for me. I just don't think I can handle that.

So I've been crying today (shockerrrr) and when she texted "hey how r u", I replied with "ok i guess". When she asked me what was up, I just lost it and said "please PLEASE don't pretend like you care". She just said "woteva".

I came online to see if there was anyone I could talk to on MSN or something. Nope. They're all Away or Offline. So I opened up the internet to post here and facebook came up. The first thing I see is her status saying "I do !! care!" (her grammar annoys me too. I mean, exclamation points in the middle of a sentence?? Anyhooo...) and then under that, she's talking to one of her friends about me (not even bothering to keep me anonymous) and her friend wrote that I was just seeking attention so she shouldn't worry about me.

This girl who doesn't even knowing me is saying that I'm not worth worrying about because I'm an attention seeker!?!? I know I'm being petty about it, but for fuck's sake, I am GENUINELY UPSET!!!! And it doesn't help that I've had feeling for this friend for a long time now. And yes, I am incredibly jealous. Because I'm not really her friend am I? I'm just someone she can rely on to be there for her whenever she gets bored.

I feel like shit I really need to learn not to have any expectations or get my hopes up because it always just ends in disappointment.

Sorry for this majorly long rant, I just needed someone to talk to. Anyone who would listen.

Sorry if this made you uncomfortable as well.

well everybody needs to let off steam!!

ps.. what was the poster like?? I WANT

haha it's simply just the album art from Love is Dead but I swear I always jump about and sing *gasp* whenever I saw it there and when I could finally afford it... YAHHH!!!!!

haha i did look quite strange walking back to school carrying nothing but a giant poster though xD

oh and about the last blog - if thats the case, then i think you've understood that you're not friends anymore. if she makes you feel uncomfortable etc then let her go. its hard but u will feel so much better after that.

but also.. just because young people smoke and have sex doesn't make them 'scary' people.. if teenagers start that young there's usually an underlying issue they dont want to deal with.. i dont agree with it but u know.. if you're strong and u know that you will not be pressured into anything, i dont see why you should be scared of them..

I guess I'm just scared of them because I know how much they disapprove of me (oh yeah, they really like to talk about the people they hate and what they want to do to the people they hate publicly on facebook) but then again I know how much they mean to her. So much so, that she keeps changing things about herself so that she can be the same as them... I guess I should let go. I have tried in the past, but it hardly ever lasts long because it feels so weird to think that she won't be a part of my life.

Entry #25

After our family meeting today, I’ve had so many crazy emotions running through me that I just had to TYPE everything that I’m thinking. You seriously don’t have to read this. It is very long. Chances are that I’ve missed a whole lot that I could’ve written about. This is really the simplest way I could describe my family. Even though some of it is extremely irrelevant, this is all still important to me. (Warning: it’s a bit “all over the place”)

My Mother
Every time I see, hear, or even acknowledge my mother’s existence, I feel like pulling my hair out. It feels like she’s suffocating me and stopping me from being able to be myself. My brother tells me he feels the same because of the tone of voice she has always used when talking to us. He is 21 and I am 16, and yet she still keeps speaking to us in a condescending voice. After being talked to as an equal from all of our other role models, it’s so frustrating coming home to a woman who likes to constantly remind us of her superiority. She always thinks that she’s right and never truly listens. She says she’s listening to us when she’s just waiting for us to stop talking to that she can give us instructions. She waits until I have friends over to give me a list of chores to do so that I can’t hang out with them. Last time I had friends over, she organised a family meeting, complaining that my brother was not meeting the requirements in a contract she’d made him sign before letting him come home for the holidays. Ever since I quit dancing, she has practically stopped paying attention to me. She only ever acknowledges me when she wants me to do something for her like get up so that she can sit on the couch in my place. She once jokingly said that all God wants me to do is make tea for her for the rest of my life. I know she was joking, but it instantly made me angry at both her and God. I feel like I’ve let her down by quitting all the extracurricular activities that she had me start when I was little. I’m still trying to figure out what I could do with my life, but it feels like I’ve already failed to make her proud. She either strongly disapproves of my friends or tries to make them her friends too. My favourite part of boarding school is that I can have a life separate from my mother. I am more able to be myself there. But I am constantly reminded of her when she emails/texts/calls me or the school staff at least 3 times a day. I usually stay up at night and sleep at day in an attempt to avoid having to talk to her. It’s so nice and quiet when she’s at work. My dad and brother come home before her, and even then, it’s peaceful. But, as soon as we hear her open the front door, everyone instantly becomes agitated. It’s become such a pattern that we get angry at her before she even speaks because we know that’s how it’s gonna end anyway. Every time you try to keep your distance from her, she keeps talking to you and walking towards you until you are literally trapped in a corner. I usually scream and pull my hair out and cry before she takes the message and leaves me to calm down. My brother, however, starts to freak out and starts punching and kicking holes in the walls around them in an attempt to make her back off. Unfortunately, this just make her stand there and scream at him which angers him even more, creating a cycle that just increases the thickness of the air. Over 25 years ago, my mother gave birth to her first son but he was premature so he died the day after he was born. Her own father had only just died of cancer a few years before this. My grandma says that she has never been the same since. She often says “If James (the baby) were alive today, he would ---“. It always feels like we’re competing with this idea in her head about what her first son would’ve been like if he was still alive. While I was in kindergarten and primary school, she went through this major depression. She would tell me that I was the only reason that she hasn’t already killed herself and that I should always be kind to her otherwise she might lose the will to live. I remember having to take knives out of her hand and telling her to snap out of it. Once, when we were staying in a motel, she went to her bed for a nap. I went to her room to wake her up because Coronation Street was about to start but she wasn’t in her bed. I checked the bathroom and she was lying on the floor. I started freaking out because I thought she’d actually done it, but she’d just decided to sleep there for some unknown reason. What scared me the most was the fact that I felt almost relieved that she’d died because it meant she didn’t have to cry anymore.

My brother
A couple of years ago, I found out that my brother has been doing drugs since he was 12. Growing up, I’ve gotten used to sitting in a waiting room with a hot chocolate and a gameboy while my brother and parents went to a psychologist. I never knew what happened in there except that they were trying to find out what was wrong with my brother. I never questioned why we kept changing psychologists. I just assumed that no one could figure out the problem because our family was just too screwed up to fix. I later found out that whenever the psychologist pointed out that the problem might not be my brother, but might be my mother, mum would say that they had it wrong and would look for someone else until she found a psychologist that agreed with her. Talking to my grandma, I also found out that even when he was a baby, mum would punish my brother whether he was doing something wrong or not. Whenever he was sent to his room, my grandma would sneak in to check on him and he’d always ask “What did I do wrong this time?” to which my grandma almost never had an answer. She was always his lifeline. That is until he started with the alcohol and drugs. He went to the high school in my hometown for just one year and then was sent off to boarding school when he was caught with some weed. Unfortunately, this just opened him up to the “higher quality” drugs which I don’t know much about. After high school, he went on a GAP year in Poland and travelled around Europe. He has told me many stories of what he got up to up there, and I’d say about 95% of them have something to do with drugs and alcohol. Since he has come back, he has gone to university for 2 years. He goes to the university that is most known for its “partying”. I also hear stories about him there, but from other people. Whenever he comes home in the holidays, the negative energy in the house seems to thicken. I lecture him for lying about quitting smoking and that it’s putting the entire household’s health in danger while he lectures me for not leaving the house just because I’m too scared. He keeps telling me that I should do drugs, but only when I turn 18. He’s even going to give me a package full of different types of drugs for my 18th birthday, which I most certainly don’t want. He calls me a snob because I don’t approve of his smoking. He says it doesn’t affect him. I just wish he’d take a look at himself and assess what has changed. He used to be so smart, but now his arrogance overshadows that. He has always been very violent towards the family. Once, while he was on the phone to my parents, he held a huge knife to my throat saying “Yeah, Caroline’s decided to give me her Vodafone because she doesn’t use it as much as I would. Isn’t that right, Caroline?” so I gave it to him. I can still feel the watermelon juice sliding off the blade and down my neck. I was just so scared of him. However, he doesn’t even remember this and keeps saying that I’m lying to make him sound like the bad guy. He keeps having conversations with me which make me really uncomfortable. They’re usually about how mum’s crazy and/or possessed by a demon, how dad’s a raging alcohol, and what we’re gonna do with the house when they both die. He goes on and on about how we’ve had a damaging childhood, whereas I’d say we’ve had it pretty good compared to many other families in the world who go through much worse. In fact, I’d say we’re damn lucky to have such a privileged childhood.

My father
I get on with my dad reasonably well. We have the same sense of humour and both do the same things to escape. He complains about my Disney Channel and I complain about his TCM channel, even though we know that we both secretly like both channels. When I was little, I’d set my alarm to 1am and go up to the kitchen cos I knew that would be when dad would be cooking himself a midnight snack and I’d blackmail him into giving me some as well. It was really unhealthy but kinda became a little secret ritual for us. Now, it feels like he has lost so much of his spirit. He agrees with everything my mother says because he’s scared that if he doesn’t, she’ll become depressed again. She also keeps threatening to leave him if he doesn’t deal with my brother, even though she is completely reliant on him. While my mother prefers to physically punish children and to make sure that they know that they’re inferior to her, my father’s family finds things such as “smacking” barbaric and unnecessary. He doesn’t get angry often, but tends to hold it all in until he can’t take it anymore and EXPLODES. I have so much respect for him because he treats me like an equal. I feel like I can talk to him about anything and he will try to be as understanding as possible. Even though, he strongly believes in Christianity and is an Anglican priest himself, he has never tried to enforce his beliefs on those who don’t want to hear it. He can be so strong, except for when it comes to my mother. I know he loves her dearly, but wishes she’d be a little more understanding of other people. I remember when my mum’s mum called up and had a go at my father for not kicking my brother out of the house for abusing her daughter. He shouted back that he isn’t going to turn his back on his family and that she should listen to both sides of the story before passing judgment. She said that something is wrong with my brother and that it doesn’t come from her side of the family and that my dad should be finding out what’s wrong with “that boy”. My dad shouted back “There is nothing wrong with ‘that boy’. We have spent thousands of dollars on fucking professionals just for them to tell us that there is nothing wrong with ‘that boy’. Stop thinking that your daughter’s always right and don’t tell me how to parent my children”. When she started to shout back, he just said “fuck off” and hung up on her. The next night my mother sat down at the dinner table and simply said to my dad “When are you going to apologise to my mother for being so rude last night?” as if it was all his fault! I feel so sorry for him. He has none of his own friends. They’re all his wife’s friends and he just has to go along with anything that she says. He deserves so much better than that.

My friends who live an hour away have even made a facebook event page called “Roadtrip to Tok!!!” where they’re planning to travel down and stay at my house for a couple of nights to cheer me up. When I told my mother she said that if I don’t tidy the kitchen first, she’ll stand in the doorway and tell them that they can’t come in. They have gone to so much effort to organise this just to cheer me up!! So I started clearing the kitchen bench but then dad shouted at me to stop moving his stuff around or else he’ll stop them from coming in! So either way, I lose. I hate this!

I’m gonna stop ranting now because my fingers are tired from all the typing. I’m just so exhausted from this environment. I miss my friends so much because when I’m with them, none of this exists.

Caroline...I don't know what to say. Nobody deserves all that, least of all someone like you. I want to make you my little sister, so I can give you big hugs and tell you it will be alright when you're feeling like that. You are going to get through it all and come out fighting though. Your brother has most likely responded to your difficult and strict upbringing by rebelling like he has, but you're stronger than that. You will be alright.

Awh, really, all I want is to hug you. You are a brave soul for getting through all that and still being the wonderful person you are. I can't give you enough respect for that. I wish I could take your hurt off you, so you don't have to deal with it alone

No matter what anyone says, you are beautiful, and you are better than anyone who tries to hurt you. They are only scared of you as a higher being than them, even though they won't realise that. You are brave enough to get away from it all when you can, and when it's your time. I know that, because I know you. The people who truly know you are the ones worth keeping in your heart, as I'm sure you know.

Kia kaha. That's something you have taught me. You are more powerful than you probably know. Keep going and remember every MoonChild on ToL is here for you <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Caroline, where are you ? I miss for you

I have never purposefully made myself bleed
Nor tested my courage with forbidden pills
Nor tied a rope around a beam from my ceiling
But everyone self-harms
Some physically
Some mentally
Some even spiritually
It’s only human nature
But sometimes it can be messy and indirect
Sometimes you cannot recognise that what you’re doing is hurting yourself
You don’t feel it as pain
And yet, those around you feel that pain on your behalf

When you form a relationship with someone
A thin wire of love is formed in the bond between those involved
It doesn’t matter whether that relationship is one with a god, object, pet or person
It doesn’t matter if that relationship is positive or negative
A friendship, kinship or one between enemies
Love is a substance found in all bonds
No exceptions

So, when you blindly hurt yourself, the pain is electricity
It flows wildly through those wires of love
And reaches out all the people you are connected to
Exposing them to the hurt that should technically only be affecting you

They’ll try to tell you that what you’re doing is wrong
That you’re going to pay the consequences soon enough
But you carry on anyway, ignoring their advice
Because you do not see the damage you are causing
And take that as a good omen

You may even go so far as to sever that connection
In a mad attempt to escape their lectures
But you can only sever the physical connection
A bond is spiritual and is impossible to break at human hands
And that wire of love is so indestructible
Not even the most savage of weaponry can destroy it

The more you love someone, the thicker the wire, the more pain is able to pass through
You harm yourself simply by opening up to someone
If you’re opening up to so many people in such little time
And give them all that you have, mentally and physically,
How can you expect anything BUT pain in return???
A list of past loves is not freedom
It’s a painful cycle

And being one of those who has stood by your side for the past seven years,
I’ve had the unfortunate honour of falling for you
While still knowing that such a feeling never has been and never will be mutual
I’ve watched you repeatedly change your sheets
Crying that it was supposed to be different this time
All just to return to square one
Gushing about someone I’ve never heard of or met
And declaring some affection you’ve supposedly possessed for years now

But it was a different name yesterday
And another yet the day before
So many soulmates’ names that it’s hard to remember which the current “one” is
You write poems and songs
But I see the same words in all of them
The only difference being the one they are all dedicated to

I know the consequences of staying in your life
And have even tried to erase myself from it
But then it hurts me either way
Because I still feel the wire tugging at my chest whenever I sense that you’re crying
And I call you for some kind of release for the both of us
Just to feel myself being reined in again

Yes, there are so many ways people hurt themselves
So many suicidal methods that we practise on a daily basis
Some are just more obvious than others
If anything, cutting yourself is the least dangerous of all

PS: I've missed you too, Natt

oh wow
you are realllly good!

Liisu, Caroline is the best <3

And Caroline, you are so awesome person. I love you so much

**phew** that last entry felt sooo freaking good to get off my chest in a semi-productive way

PS: have I ever mentioned how much I love you guys?? I feel like it can't be said enough times ^_^ ~I.L.U.~

I used to write poems and songs to figure out how other people must feel. This year, I’ve written hardly anything and the few things I’ve written are all me trying to figure out how I feel. I can’t really tell whether I’m happy or sad. It’s like I’m somewhere in between but still feel both extremes, you know?

I’ve also been incredibly angry. I’ve always got something or someone to complain about. It’s like I keep taking all the negative things to heart way too fast so whenever other negative things happen, they overwhelm me so much that I attack the people around me. It’s like I’m both determined to be happy and determined to be miserable. And I know that it’s annoying the people around me. Then again, the people around me are annoying me...

Sometimes I feel like I have this great future ahead of me where there’s so much I want to do and achieve but then I feel like I’ve worked so hard to achieve nothing and that I’ll have nowhere to go after I finish high school this year. I keep comparing myself to others but try to keep those thoughts in my head. But then they compare themselves to me as well but verbalise it and I wonder why I bothered to keep my doubts to myself when they basically confirm them by contradicting them... it’s hard to explain in a way that makes sense!!!

A friend laughed at me for writing in my school diary: “FUCK IDENTITY. WE ARE NO ONE. WE ARE NOTHING.” but it’s really how I’ve been thinking lately. Why should I think highly or lowly of myself? What gives me the right to judge myself and let others judge me? I really am nothing to be reckoned with. I try my best in everything I do and work myself into the ground just to be told it’s not enough or that I don’t deserve to succeed as much as others do. Why should I matter enough for that to mean anything?

And if people think I’m annoying and avoid me when they’re not in the mood, why should I hang out with them when they’re okay with it? If you gain a friend, you’re taking the entire package: good and bad. No one should have the right to pick and choose. If they push me away, I’m not going to bother coming back because I seriously have more important things to do than to try and stay in people’s good books.

I’m sick of pretending like I don’t try. It’s easier to say that you didn’t try so that if you fail, you can just say “that’s ok. I would’ve succeeded if I’d actually tried”. I’ve always used that excuse. I’ll say that I didn’t bother studying for a test and that I’m just gonna make up all the answers when I’d actually stayed up studying the night before.

My head is so all over the place right now. It’s strange and I don’t really know what to do with myself. I have no identity that sets me apart from the rest other than MoonChildren. It really does sound pathetic when I tell people that the majority of who I am is on the internet with people I’ve never met before. Not that anyone really cares about that... I don’t know where else to go with this rant, so here’s a poem I wrote a couple of weeks ago that kind of relates to this:

I thought these hands were my own
And that each movement they made was new
That those around me acknowledged them as mine
And that they had their own for me to respect in return
A mutual thought of co-existence

But I see the bronze in your skin
And I see the silver in your hair
Then I see the gold in your words
Putting me back into my place
Your mind puts mine to shame
And your footprints run deeper than my blood
Thick with pride and a quiet humility

And suddenly I’ve forgotten my own identity
Forgotten why I’ve done the things I’ve done
Forgotten why I’ve said the things I’ve said
No longer able to pray for a specific cause
Other than intellectual redemption
But no god listens to the prayers of a mould
With lips plastered into a fearsome line
With a face that is so unlike any other
Yet masks the lost clone inside

Lines and flowers aside, I’ve come to learn
That those who scolded you for smashing a reflection
Are the very ones who pointed out your flaws
Then christened themselves as beings of pure love
Capable of joining the ranks of angels

It would almost present me with a mad man’s laughter
As he cackles over his pathetic misfortunes
If it were not for the sobering needle in my thumb
Complete with a syringe, feeding me doubt

I wish I made more sense. Too much in me to say it all simply, though :/

Blog of Expectations.

Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose in life.
I have nothing new to offer.
I am bits of the old just mixed together.
I am nothing new.
I have my brother’s independence of thought.
I also have his tendency to grow angry or upset quickly.
I have my dad’s aimless sense of humour and stomach.
I also have his habit of pacing around a room while listening to music and transporting my mind into another world.
I have my mother’s determination to question every piece of information presented to me.
I also have her weak heart and misunderstanding of society.
I have nothing new to offer.
I am nothing new.

Yet, I am surrounded by expectations and responsibilities.
I did not have these when I was young.
I thought I was sad back then.
Those were the best days of my life.
I had no friends, so it was easy to have extra-curricular activities where I didn’t need to worry about missing someone’s birthday party.
I had more time to pace and visit my own little world while the other children played tag.
I had the freedom to know that if I made a mistake, it could easily be fixed with glue or an eraser.
The luxuries of childhood.

Now, I have many friends.
They are dotted throughout my known world.
They have expectations of me.
I must visit them as much as possible to renew our vows of friendship.
I must keep them in my mind so as not to forget who made me the person I am today.
I must honour them in all my actions.
I must give my own unique opinion, but alter it to compliment theirs.
I must support them in all the hardships of their lives, whether I understand them or not.
I must love them for who they are and remind them of this every few breaths.
They have expectations of me and I must honour these expectations.
I have responsibilities to maintain.
I must be present.
I must be silent.
I must express appropriately.

My family also deserves my devotion.
I must care for my cousins while my own mother gambles with Death;
Defending her throne of gluttony and waste.
I must protect their innocence.
I must stand my ground to show them my authority.
I must clean and tidy the entire house.
I must not clean or tidy away my parents’ belongings.
I must know my ancestry.
I must forgive my ancestry.
I must know when to speak and which tone to speak in.
I must always be ready to provide and nurture.
I must keep up appearances.
I must never falter or trip.
I must stay awake.
I must stay.

Education is my priority.
Piles of books are ready for me to read and study.
Yet I know not how to read them with understanding.
I know not how to apply the knowledge they hold to life or even to my own paper.
I must overcome these obstacles.
I must create time to make each word perfect.
I must do my best.
If I do not pass, I couldn’t possibly have done my best.
I must organise myself in such a way that insomnia is essential.
I must know what to say when spoken to.
I must respect my superiors’ opinions and adopt them.
I must succeed at a level higher than those around me.
Failure to do so would make my education meaningless in the long run.
I must compare myself to others as an incentive.
I must choose the correct pathway.
I must learn how to keep my blood pressure low in all situations.
I must be available for anyone and still complete all assignments.
I must be knowledgeable and opinionated.
Within reason.
I must be a scholar.
I must not be a snobby over-achiever.
I must congratulate and support my peers.
I must take no prisoners.

I must breathe.
I must live.
I must be.
Even though I wish to be free of these responsibilities.
I must accept them.
I must follow them faithfully.
I must.

For my little Moonsister:

Little sister
It’s the place of humans to question their place
To wonder where we came from and how
And what we must do
And how we must do it
And when – when is the right time?
And why does there seem to be no time
For anything?
Especially when it matters most.
We move so slowly yet lightyears at a time
For it is what’s expected.

We see what we expect to see
We feel what we expect to feel
And learn what we are expected to know
When really, none of it matters.
Together, we will jump the life to come.
Maybe then I can be closer to you
And tell you never
Never ever
To question your importance to the world
Every day
So you won’t feel the need to believe otherwise.

Love is wasted on the heartless
Don’t waste your precious love on them.
Next time someone laughs at you
Because you believe something they don’t
Shout to the world that you don’t care what it thinks.
Sometimes, not caring is the right thing
It’s just knowing the whens and wheres and whys.
You might get it wrong sometimes
But everyone does.
Nobody knows everything.
When someone thinks they do
They know less than the ones who accept
That this world, this life
Is never to be ‘made sense’ of
For it is nonsense.

Why did we fall to land here
Call this our home
Then start wars on our mother’s heart
Slowly killing her with our silent disease?
Hate is an infection, quickly spread
Avoid it when you can
And when you can’t
That’s when I’ll be there
For you
No matter the distance
No matter the time
No matter the reason
You find yourself struck down
By what you spend a lifetime
Longing to escape.

Little sister, you are strong
No matter what your darkest thoughts tell you
Turn around
Stand your ground
And fight them
To the death.

You must not change.
You must not forget
Who you are.
We are in this Army
Together.
No-one and nothing
Can stop us from advancing
Onwards and onwards
Till time stops
And we’ve won.

And we will win.
We have the unbreakable force
On our side.
You know in your heart
What it is.

♥

NOT ENOUGH HEARTS FOR YOU, MOONSISTER!!!! seriously shed a tear just then.... I.L.U. <3

Oh god I love you both, your just incredible. I wish I could write something like that!
Moonchildren <3

Caroline, it's nothing. I mean it. I just wanted to tell you something that couldn't be explained in any other way than how I did it. I very rarely write a poem purely on impulse and go with my first instinct, but that just goes to show that MoonChildren are one of my biggest inspirations Besides, you were a help to me as well, by inspiring me to write it. Writing poetry helps me release things that I don't know how to put into plain sentences and paragraphs. It helps me sort out my own mind, which is a confusing place a lot of the time xD

Ene, you just keep writing songs the way you write them. You have just as much talent as me and Caroline

I love you both. I love you all

Hopefully I don't offend you any. This is just my take on your posts and advice coming from my own experience.
I read your post about how you feel all creepy and uncomfortable in your house and I also read the one describing your family.
First of all, I'm really sorry you have to deal with these things from day to day. Your mother obviously has problems and deals with them by projecting it on everyone else. She's ill and probably doesn't mean to be the way she is. When I was really sick I would take it out on everyone else, think about killing myself, do crazy things. I didn't want to do it it just happened. You could look at it that way, even though it's difficult, maybe it's the same deal for her. She should seek help...although I know if you tried to tell her that the reaction from her wouldn't be good.
As for your brother I agree with TheLastSongBird, drugs and alcohol are probably just his way of dealing with a difficult childhood. It happens to a lot of us. Maybe when he gets a little older he'll stop. I've seen it happen before.
I have to say though you all seem very strong, holding together like you are despite the situation. Hang in there and love your family no matter what, even if it's really hard to do at times. Love can make all the difference in the world.
As for the paranormal thing in your first blog, I don't mean to scare you, but here's what I think. I know a lot about the paranormal, ghosts, demons, etc. I've always had an interest in it.
Did you know that demons will sometimes attach themselves to a person or family going through a difficult time? They are attracted to negative energy. They feed off of it. And from what you've said in that post about your family it seems as though your house is a breeding ground for negative energy.
Another thing I should mention is you said the electricity is bad in your house. This can cause a high EMF(Electro Magnetic Field). This EMF can cause strong feelings of being watched, a presence, being followed, paranoia basically. It can feel all too real but it's not. The higher the EMF the worse these feelings get. Also, an extremely high EMF can cause nausea, headaches, vomiting, even depression and other things. It's very dangerous. You should look up about EMF's on Google or something and learn a bit about them and also hire an electrician (explain this to your parents) to test your house or go buy an EMF meter (Hardware stores for really cheap). You never know, if you have a really high EMF it may be the cause of all your creepy feelings. And if you do have it and it gets repaired, it may lighten the mood in your house a bit. Before you buy into the demon theory, rule out the rational explanations like the EMF. You could be scared for no reason.
Good luck and be strong. XOXO

Update

On Sunday, I went to "Thinking Allowed" at the cathedral in Hamilton because my mum's friend was talking about her book (I keep forgetting the name) at it. It's a meeting kind of thing the church has every week where people can talk about different issues in an accepting atmosphere. She was talking about coming out as gay in the church. She did a whole project where she talked to people from all around the world about their stories of coming out, some of them being priests or bishops. She was so nervous about her speech. When we got there, there were only two other people and when three more came in she freaked out. The room actually became packed and we had to get more seats. There were so many people! Unfortunately, I had to leave early for a chapel service at school. But, she really became my idol when she gave her speech. She's so kind-hearted and strong-willed!!! I'm proud of her for speaking out on her sexuality. She had a husband and two children (who are still not sure how to treat her). It takes some serious courage to put all that on the line so that you can be honest about who you are. She really is amazing

I've been working with a friend on the piano and melody for "Lost Cause" so that we can record it together. Her voice is amazing and I can't wait to hear the result.

We had a boarders' social with Boys High last night. While getting ready, someone had their iPod playing on their speakers and SPEED LIMIT CAME ON!!!! I diiiiied ^_^ I wanted to run out and scream and ask which genius had Kerli on their iPod xD. Buuuut I didn't want to make (too much of) an idiot of myself so I refrained. The theme of the social was 60s/70s/80s... and I won best dressed girl Stupidly enough, there aren't any photos so I can't show you but (for once) I was actually happy with how I looked so... WIN!!! The DJ was pretty shit, to be honest. Everyone was yelling at him a lot. I didn't really dance a lot. I mainly sat on a chair in the corner of the room staring at the ground. One guy sat next to me and asked if I'm okay, agreed that socials are boring and then asked if I like boarding... I think he thought I'm a Year 9. Then some little (and I mean LITTLE) boys sat on either side to me and started fist pumping... QUITE awkward xD.

To be honest, the main reason (other than looking preeeetty awesome) I went was to see this guy that goes there. I had a crush on him when I was 13... and 14... and 16... but he only turned up at the end to grab some food and leave. He nudged me on his way out and I went to say "hi" but he turned before I could say anything grrr I wanna show him that I'm more confident than the last time we talked! That was my main problem: I couldn't have a proper conversation with him because I was so nervous about not being good enough -_-

We had our Cross Country today. I walked it with a friend. Her house colour is red and she had red face paint on her hand. We held hands when we ran... guess where the paint ended up XD I actually ran the course on Wednesday to see if I could do it. I pretty much died. So now I'm not going to eat bread, potato, noodles/pasta/fried rice, any sweets or junk food (except for chocolate... that's healthy... according to the nice lady at the Sweetest Little Chocolate Shop), and I'll only drink water (in other words, no coffee!!!). I also need to be careful about dairy products... I told my dad and he had no idea what to give me for dinner. He actually asked what I CAN have. I said meat, salad, vegetables, fruit etc. For dinner, he just gave me some bacon, a chicken patty and a mandirin (the only fruit in the house). I am now writing a shopping list of groceries for him to buy tomorrow xD.

My mum told me that my brother broke his hand so I texted him asking what he's punched this time. He replied with "A wall. Anger issues huh. So embarrassing. Wish u were around 2 calm me down". I always thought that he was the one doing that for me... I never even imagined that we were able to help each other like that. It made me cry to feel needed like that :')

I love you, marshmallows. I've been in a pretty flat mood all week. Been feeling worthless. The usual, really. I'm hoping the improvement in my diet and exercise will make me feel more alive.

I.L.U.

PS: @TJ: I completely agree about the negative energy. That's the main thing I want to focus on when I have my own family. Unlike my parents, I want to put my children's happiness before money or my career. I want to make sure they're happy. I want them to know that they don't have to be scared of me and that I'm going to listen to them respectfully. I want to focus on having a home that has positive energy where my family can feel at safe at home. I haven't actually "felt" anything for a while. I think my cousins helped a little with that ^_^ their innocence kind of cleansed us, you know? and the lighting is better now. The only electricity that's having problems now is the TV. I'm not complaining

Good! I'm glad things are looking up. No one should have to be uneasy in their own home.

I'm supposed to be leaving in 4 hours to go to a motel and get ready for the May Ball tonight. I was really looking forward to it, to be honest. But, now? I feel like shit. I've seen what the other girls at my school wear and next to them, I'll look like a freaking grandma. Their heels are insanely high whereas mine are only like 4cm. They get their nails done so pretty whereas mine are all bitten and disgusting. They're all tanned whereas my skin manages to be freakishly pale but still red and splotchy. They all got their dresses custom-made and mine is just simple and boring (and apparently doesn't suit my body-shape at all). I even have to wear a black shrug over it to hide all the scars left on my back from when my acne was reeeally bad about 4 years ago. I STILL haven't managed to wear eye make-up because it still freaks me out. Most people hire limos or sports cars (even people who actually board at school). Most people go to parties afterwards and get drunk whereas I'm going back to the motel with my mum to eat cake and cheese and crackers.

To make things worse, the friends that I actually feel comfortable with aren't even going because they didn't like it last year. I didn't go last year so I was determined to do it this year, so that I wouldn't have regrets. But the "friends" I'm going with aren't really my friends. I can't be myself around them because I'm too weird.

I've just been crying to mum, saying that I don't want to go anymore and she just said "How's your acting? Just go and pretend you're having the time of your life, even though you're miserable." We ended up fighting and I said that she can't keep telling me that she understands how I feel when she's never been to a 'high-end' school like mine where all the girls are exceptionally beautiful and popular. I also told her off for always trying to make being different sound like a good thing. She told me that I'm gonna feel like this for the majority of my life so I'm gonna have to buck up and learn how to deal with it.

I know she's right. I just really wish she wasn't.

Aww. I felt the same way before my school prom at some points, that I wasn't going to look as beautiful as anyone else, and that I would have nobody to go there and have fun with. It ended up being alright, I enjoyed it quite a lot, and that was with no real "friends" who were going. I had a date, but after that he showed no interest in me. Que cera cera, and all that. I got over it, and on the night he was very caring towards me. I think he was just being kind, because we were good friends before I really started crushing on him, and he started getting stick from people because I liked him. He made the night better, overall.

I would say take the chance and go. Maybe once you start getting ready you'll feel more like it. Who said the dress doesn't suit your body shape? That was a cruel thing to say, in my personal opinion, before your Ball. As for the other girls being in limos and having expensive dresses, I had none of that for my prom either, but it didn't compromise the night for me. And the after parties, well, I don't think you should be too bothered about that either. It's very likely to be a load of immature people getting blind drunk and causing trouble. And, seeing as you're my little sister, I wouldn't want you getting caught up in that.

Besides, you are beautiful. Maybe one day, you should get yourself a makeover, have someone do your makeup for you, and get a manicure or something. Then that beauty should come right out and radiate for everyone to see

This is the best photo I could find of me... my eyes are all fucked up in the others... and yet I still look like a giant plum next to my gorgeous friend :/

Your SO cute Caroline and i want to steal your hair color! (Talking about stealing, i want your friends tie too lol!)

i cant see a giant plum anywhere! all i see is a beautiful young woman

You two are too sweeeeet

Caroline, you are beautiful, inside and out. I'm glad you decided to go. I'm proud of you <3

Honey, you are so beautiful.
Please don't say about people. You are the best

Gorgeous:)

Aww you make me blush ^_^

CONFUSED

Yep, I’m having one of those angsty teenage identity crises.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t make the friends I’ve made. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all to pieces and would probably cease to exist if I didn’t have any of them there. It’s just that there is a few of us with very similar interests/school subjects. I hate talking about how we’re doing in the assessments we’re all doing because then I automatically compare myself to them and assume that I’m inferior. Also, whenever someone says what they want to do when they leave school, if it matches my own hopes, I’ll instantly drop them and try to find something else so that I can claim something as mine and not feel like I’m competing with anyone. I know that’s impossible. With there being over 6 billion people in the world, I’m bound to have the same dreams and goals as many people out there. It’s just a problem whenever it’s the same as my friends... I don’t really know what I want to do at the moment. The current plan is to get a double degree with Law and a BA in Politics and Sociology. Really hope no one says they want to do that too...

As per usual, there’s the concern about what clothes I wear. There isn’t really anything I like and/or look good in... I can’t really figure out a “style” but I really want to so that I know what to be confident about, you know?

AND THEN, there’s the whole “sexuality” dilemma -_- (if this kinda thing makes you feel uncomfortable, you may wanna skip this paragraph lol) at school, there were some girls in the boarding house (they’re not exactly the “nicest” girls...) that went around asking everyone if they would prefer having a threesome with 2 guys or a girl and a guy (I warned you it might make you uncomfortable!!!). They said they wouldn’t judge people by their answers, but I didn’t answer anyway because it really isn’t any of their business (shocker). After a few days of the constant questioning, I just answered with “a guy and a girl” which was apparently the wrong answer and now there are rumours going around that I’m a lesbian which, you know, works out really great at a freaking GIRLS SCHOOL d(>_<)b I don’t even know now... I thought I was straight until I was 15 when I told a friend that I was attracted to girls as well as guys so we came to the conclusion that I’m bisexual... and then it was pansexual... and then my ex thought I was lesbian because I didn’t like it when he tried to touch me... and now I haven’t a fucking clue. I just feel like something’s wrong with me. Oh god, I’m such a stereotypical teen xD

I think I’ve been taking my schoolwork waaaaay too seriously. I stayed up all night taking NoDoz and drinking V on Monday and Wednesday to get stuff done. I just don’t see how else I can get it all done in time!!! Some friends took the box of NoDoz from me and has been giving it to me every 3 hours (and locked my energy drinks away) to make sure I don’t “overdose” on caffeine pills :/ I got the pack of 24 pills on Monday, and now they’re almost all gone. Fuuuuuck!

I miss my moonsiblings. You guys are the one constant thing I know I will always have. But, I feel so disconnected with you all lately :/ haven’t heard from so many people in a while and I’m beginning to get worried. PLEASE LET ME KNOW THAT YOU’RE ALIVE AND WELLLL

I.L.U.
Your Caroline.

PS: Fully just wasted ALL of my phone credit just to post that xD sooo desperate for ToL! Ahh so unhealthy...

oh caroline! it is so normal to doubt in yourself when you're in your teens. dont try to label yourself as bi/pan/heterosexual. just be you. you've got your whole life to be something else on top of being just yourself. enjoy it while it lasts!

and u know, there will always be people who want to do the same thing as you do. so dont start thinking that 'omg i need to find smth else' - think 'yeah alright then, ill take a little competition but im gonna come on top!'

AND with being disconnected - i know, ive been feeling the same way.. im sure that when kerli finishes her radio tour and releases the single a lot of people will come back to the forum and then we'll get connected again.

stay strong- stay yourself. and DONT damage your health with some crap pills full of chemicals.

Dont stress over the sexuality thing <3 I've JUST now come around to accepting the fact that I just don't have the drive or want anything sexual with anyone. I believe Asexual is the word. For the longest time, I was convinced I was gay since I didn't have an interest in guys. Then after a talk with my mom [who was totally NOT supportive] I convinced myself I was bisexual. I was wrong on both terms. I was always confused over WHY I couldn't figure things out and rumors got around at my high school that I was gay as well. That coupled with other things caused me to drop out. But now I have a lot better understanding of who I am as a person <3

So don't stress over it ^__^ You're not alone and things will work out someday.

This is why I am so selective over what girls become my friends. So many of them are so mean and vindictive.
Nothing is wrong with you. Lots of people are confused about their sexuality. Just try new things and eventually you'll figure out what you really want. Don't let anyone try and convince you that what you choose is wrong either. Be yourself.

Caroline, I don't think I can say anything to help you that hasn't already been said. So I'm just going to say this: I love you, so many people on ToL do, and no matter what happens, we are here to support you. All you can be is yourself, and please, whatever you do about a future career, do something that you really want to do and makes you happy.

Girls your age can be so cruel. You are way above them, don't let them bring you down. I can totally understand what you're feeling, as I had the same problems, both with friends who only seem to want to hurt you and figuring out who I am as a person, including my sexuality. It's something a lot of people go through. In a way, I am still going through it, but the worst is over with. It will get better for you too.

P.S. I am doing great, and I'm glad you got in contact with us. I've been missing you and feeling a bit worried about you lately as well. But, from the looks of things, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You are strong enough to get through all your problems <3

I'm not too sure what to say right now. Well, first of all, thank you so much, marshmallows

Well, there's a lot I want to say but I can't really say much of it... There have been several things that have happened that I would have never expected before now. It's been scary and hard, but I've had so many beautiful people to speak to during my absence, some of which I would have never expected to value me. BUT life is beautiful now. I'm happy and I've learned a lot. And I know I'll never be the same again, which is for the best.

Sorry for being vague, but, I don't want to cause further upset with people... hehe sorry for the confusion, moonsiblings

I.L.U.