jayson526 thoughts

Well I thought 'hmm I am bored and writing in my usual way is boring me.' So i thought i would let everyone know what im thinking and such ^_^ hope you enjoy the part that is my life.

Ok so here is this whole last few years in general.

A few years ago I had the worst thing in my life happen to me (so far) my two favorite great aunts died within a month of each other. I could not deal with this at all i was going down a spiral of depression that was in fact killing me because i wouldnt eat and i only slept when i passed out from lack of sleep. I started to become distant with people i knew and well the only thing in my life that was actually making me happy was music but i guess singing songs about suicide dont really sound happy to everyone else but that did the trick for me. Oh and during thanksgiving i started to get sick so they take me to the doctors next thing you now i find out im allergic to gluten and have to now cath myself for the rest of my life. The next year after everything and me starting to come back to myself my great grandmother fell into a coma the day before my birthday, they pulled the plug on my birthday and well they said she was a fighter because she lived until the next day. While all this is going on my whole family (grandparents and parents and all my aunts and uncles but one) and now nobody is talking to what little family i have left (me my mom and my dad and aunt.) Go to this year where as my mom has been having health problems and just yesterday they did a MRI to check and see if she has MS (multiple sclerosis) and we go tomorrow to see if she does and if she does this means she could and probably will end up in a wheelchair. Oh did i mention we are moving because we are about to loose our home.

So Yeah that pretty much sums up my life in a little package....and now im sad because my last few years where summed up in a few lines.

Thank you for that...really i truly mean that

at times like that you really do start to loose hope.. we've all had times like that. i haven't been in a situation like you have (and i hope ill never have to, because i dont know how id cope) but i have been really depressed and thought id never be happy again..

im 20 now.. im living in london - moved in with people id never met before and they turned out to be awesome and this year suddenly has gotten so much better for me than what it was up until august. i hear myself saying 'im happy' every day. so happiness CAN happen.. but i guess u just need to experience a lot before you get to that.

I'm really sorry that you have been going threw such a hard time.I hope things get better for you in time.

Thank you everyone we are about to go get the test results i will be back after that keep your fingers crossed for us that its good news

No problem.Hope it goes all well.

I'm sry to hear that your are going through all this. Remember to always stay hopeful. I send you all my love.
Bupple. xoxo

Great news everyone the test results came back that she doesnt have MS when the doctor told us that me and my mom almost cried.

that's good-glad to here that.

thanks me and my mom went to celebrate which was fun she acted so much like her old self which made me smile more.

that's good

I'm happy to hear that. Wish you and your mom the best

Thank you everyone.

Today we went to the craft store which is usually fun....we have names for every isle
so today we where mostly in the "Slaughter house." which is where they have all the doll heads and the doll parts because well we where bored and we wanted to fight with doll arms for some strange reason. Well as we where doing that and well having one of the people that work their join in on the fun of calling it the slaughter house, she messed up in the speaker and everyone yelled back at her where the heck are you talking about. So well we where doing that and all of a sudden I saw this little thing and i figured out what it was and i knew right then and their my search was over it was a box of rings so now i can make kerli, emilie autumn and whoever i want rings. i love today

Im sorry. It's so sad.
Sending you love and hope <3

thank you AenniLinnEa

walking alone in a forest I find a little child crying, he told me his family hates him he wants to die he looks no older then nine I sit down and talk with him and all the while i feel as if we are being watched. Talking to the child i find that his story sounds so strangely common to mine its like he was in my head and telling me my past. It hit me what this child was telling me my story but i wanted to hear more maybe he would continue to tell me things would get better but as he started to continue with his story he started to age older until he was my age and then he told me the things i already knew. I didnt want to go any further to see what would happen if he told the story any further i was already in tears after so many memories flooded me and so many of them that i didnt want in the first place. So i ran away but he just yelled back to me "you cant run forever." and i knew that was true i had to face my life sometime and so i gritted my teeth and went back to hear his story. The next thing i knew i was in my bed and crying it must have been a dream but something in me knew that i still had to face the day like i faced myself I had never looked back since. I had this dream three months ago and to this day i remember every detail of my past that he told me which to me is a miracle because before then i could not tell you what i had for breakfast the day before. I am scared that one day i will forget all of this and i will have to face this child again but until then.

this is really touching

thank you bupple it really is true i cant think of why i would have that dream other then to know i had lost myself because when i was walking alone in the forest it took awhile to find that child.

But you found the child in your dream, that's a good sign That child is part of you, and wants to be paid attention to

I.L.U

I think sometimes we have dreams like that cause we miss stuff from our past.

i think you both a right but the truth is i still feel broken inside like im still missing something in me -_-

Tell yourself before you go to sleep that you will dream about the child again. It almost always works for me, and maybe you can find what you are looking for.(:

oddly enough i dont think it the child im missing i think i found him their for he is part of me now i can feel him because i have been listening to him more...its more like something else i dont know if any of you read the house of night books but *spoiler* i feel like when redbird split her soul its just like i missing parts of myself but i think im finding them little by little i have the child already.

I have a mask
It’s a ugly mask
It shows you what you want to see
But are you brave enough to see whats under the mask
Are you brave enouh to see the crying child under the mask
The one that is wondering who else is wearing a ugly mask
My mask is ugly…what is yours.

My mask is ugly too. It hides the pain and horror within. But behind all of this lies the light. The real power is inside of you. Listen to the crying child, he is has the real power.

I hope your being speaking metaphorically, because I really dont think anyone has an ugly mask. Because I see from your Avatar jayson, you have nicely angles eyebrows, an inviting smile, and nice eyes!

I think people feel ugly, and they see ugly in the mirror. But most of what you are seeing with your eyes are just your own thoughts.

Think postively if you can!

Interesting dream! I could ask my mom to explain it (she's good at it!), but I'm sure I can do it myself. It's obvious to me. And to you ^^ The child is you, trying to help you remember everything that has happened. He's trying to help you deal with it. "You can't run forever", you have to deal with everything that happened to you... It'll be difficult. It means you have to forgive bullies, forgive your parents, forgive yourself. I'm sure that once you learn to let go of the past and be at peace with it, you will feel better. Then, accepting yourself will be easier as well.

You woke up before he could tell you your future? That's because you don't know your future! No one does. You make it what you want! Everything is possible from this point on :)

And you're not ugly! When I first saw your avatar, I thought you are very cute! You look like a nice guy ^^
It's like colbyjohn said, people usually see themselves ugly if they feel like shit. They concentrate on the bad things about their appearance, and feel even shittier! Try finding those aspects about yourself you like, and focus on them. Like your eyes, they are super friendly! Eyes are the window to the soul, they say :)
Thinking positively will help you a lot. That, too, is very difficult, if you're used to moping and saying bad things about yourself ;)
In fact, I'll shamelessly link you to a thread of mine: http://kerli.friendhood.net/t2120-positive-thoughts
There are a bunch of texts I've translated from Finnish, and they're about positivity, as the title suggests :) I hope they'll help you with your thinking.

Colby and Forance are right. trust the power of your mind. and its true, we see with our thoughts not with our eyes.

honey you are beautiful and wonderful

the mask comment is about me lying to myself and to others by putting on the face they want to see not the one i want to show my mask is not my face but the feelings that come with lying to myself. And i am quite shocked by everyone saying such nice comments i think i need to start having you guys write me everyday since my life is not getting any easier but heck thats normal for me anymore but i am getting to my breaking point.


Ok here is a quick summery of my month just so you know what im talking about i sprained my leg by falling down the stairs i go to the doctor next week to see if i need surgery on it because last time i broke it they told me if anything happens to it i will need it to walk even. we had our lights turned off twice each time making us loose everything in our fridge so we have had almost a 1000 bill in food that wasnt eaten and we cant afford this to happen again. halloween is my favorite holiday beyond the christmases of my past because this is when i can see kids being happy just for going to a door and getting candy but this year i was stuck in my house alone with not even a single trick or treater to brighten my mood. i found out the reason i have to wear a face mask ((you know the medical ones)) outside is because im not only allergic to grass but to leaves and pollen i had such a bad attack i stopped breathing and had a massive panic attack because its the scariest thing when you try to breath and you cant. i am now stuck inside i have been since then only going out for doctor appointments because i have a fear of that happeing again. oh just today two men came to my house wanting to see my dogs tags ((to make them legal)) and well because of a misunderstanding of me not wanting to go outside the door we have three more days to get the tags or a fine of 300 which we cant afford now. i dont have a tv because we had to pawn it just to pay a small bill that the light problem caused. oh and not only all that but i saw my cousin last month and not only have i not seen him since my family broke up meaning i dont see any of my family but three people, when i saw him i wanted to run and cry in a corner because he used to call me brother and now he didnt even look my way. all of this had put me to a point where i cant sleep i have been up every night and only sleep when i pass out from lack of sleep. and to top it off we are not sure when we are moving now so that means for christmas which my mom loves is ruined because she doesnt have a tree ((which would have been up last month just decorated in horror)) and everytime i try to talk to her about not spending so much on christmas this year she cries because she feels if nothing else we will have presents might not have a house but dear god we are going to have presents which makes me start to worry about bills i mean she even told me she doesnt know what we are going to do if this keeps up. Yeah thats pretty much everything that happened just last month

I hope that with your leg will be everything fine. You know, for sure Don't think only about negative things, you must to be positive.
I'm so sorry that you didn't have power.. it so sad that you and your mom lost so much food by it.
I send to you many hugs, about Halloween it I feel so bad that I can't be there. For sure it ours Halloween would be wonderful, I feel ashamed that I didn't write to you
Honey, maybe try working with yourself about your panick attack. Maybe try to relax and think about good stuffs , about it what you love, what you like to do. Maybe about sing. Maybe sing when you are scared.
Honey, maybe I'll sounds awful but TV isn't valid to life, e.g. Kerli doesn't have TV, for me TV is like a package which can destroy ours world.
Jayson, why they don't want talk with you- I think about your family.

Please, try sleep, if you can't , it try for your mom, she for sure doesn't want see how you suffer. Please, do it for me, try sleep and take care about yourself. Now I'm so much worried about you.

Honey, presentes aren't important. The most valid is atmoshere.

Can you ask people about help????

I send many hugs and love to you and your mom <3

to be honest about my family it was just that things where said that should have been and they where about me and me and mom wont forgive them they chose their side when they said stuff and it was like a virus that killed the family.

it wasnt the fact that i dont have a tv its the fact that we had to pawn it just to pay a 80$ bill

and the whole panic attacks are from the fact that i couldnt breathe i wouldnt be able to sing and i wouldnt have had time to calm myself and thats what has got me scared is that i will get into such a panic that i pass out or something worse.

i know presents are not important heck i told her as long as we are all together its a great day and she doesnt see it like that because my dad is rather greedy and i used to be also.

i think if i did ask for help i would have more problems then i already do now so i kinda just bottle most of it up and the rest i cry out of me.

excuse me honey for bad advice, i wanted to onlu help you

its not bad advise its just that i have tried doing some of the things you suggested like trying for help and that led me to a hospital for a month which was not fun at all.

i'm so sorry.....

Now I understand the mask comment :D You're right, people have different masks for different people, but that's normal. It's not necessarily lying. For example, I want to look pretty when I meet new people, but at home, I walk around in pajama pants and my face all greasy xD And, I could never behave in front of my parents like I do with my friends. Well, except for my mom, because she's so awesome and friendly and isn't the kind of person who judges anyone for anything. I could go to her and tell her that I'd killed someone and it would still be OK.
I curse a lot, but I try to do it less around older people :B
The only people who have seen my at-home-look, is my fiancé and my family (dad, mom, sis). The only one who has seen me naked is my fiancé. And by naked, I don't mean just clothes...
All I can say is, that you shouldn't worry about something like this. Not everyone needs to know everything about you, and it's nice to have that special someone some day, who sees who you truly are ^^ Just be who you want to be, and try to be the best version of yourself. Do what makes you happy. If you're happy, other people's opinions don't matter.
Concentrate on getting better, be careful and try not to injure yourself any further :O Maybe you could get a medicine for the allergy? Like antihistamine. I don't know if it would be powerful enough though :/ I don't have allergies, so my knowledge is lacking xD

And as for Christmas, presents aren't important, especially not bought ones! If you're short on money, make something nice yourself. Like for your mother, I'd probably write a letter where I tell how much I love her and appreciate her. And make the letter all pretty and colorful :3 I think personal gifts are a lot better. And besides, it'll only be for this Christmas, maybe next year it would be better to go crazy with gifts?
I understand your mom loves Christmas and probably thinks everything should be perfect, but sometimes it just isn't possible. Then you have to take it easier and do what you can do with the resources you currently have. Being together and food are the most important things about Christmas in my opinion. And chocolate :B

Well good news and bad news
My foot is not broken but the pain is caused because the muscle is tearing away from my bone or something i dont know i just know it hurts to walk and now i need a freaking special shoe that takes a week to make so i must suffer another week T_T

hope u get well

i get to see my dads side of the family this thanksgiving YAY i cant wait i feel so happy when im with them seeing that they are my only family anymore

I don't know you lol but it makes me happy when you say your going to get to see your dads family! If it makes you feel any better about christmas or holiday gifts. I was raised jahovahs witness and we never had presents or anything like that. We would have family dinners and gatherings. Its not really gifts that make the holidays so good its seeing family and people you care about. At least in my opinion.

yeah and i can get away from my moms side who hate our guts so i dont have to worry about seeing them when i see them its soooo stress free not having to worry about them anymore.

having a great time with family its so nice not to be hated for a change and being surrounded by people you love is just so nice

Thats great to hear
Im happy for you Jay <3

thanks XD

happy for you

thanks i love my family they make all the bad things in my life go away even for awhile.

yw.Things will be better.

a few days ago i saw my aunt and my cousin...now i knew she saw me and so i didnt say much when she turned a corner and almost dragged my cousin away in fact i laughed to think people are so low class anymore that they cant say hello to their own family...oh well im done being depressed i need happy in my life and if it cant come from anyone else I might as well be a ray of freaking sunshine.

oh wow.how sad