A spiral of death.

Hi, my name is Garrett. I live in new Mexico, USA.
I am 15, finishing up my freshman year in highschool. I grew up in a bad neighborhood and when I was young my neighbor molested me. Once I was around 7 we moved to the really nice area of town. I went to a Christian school from 2nd to 8th. There I learned much about Christianity and now I am a Christian. One thing went wrong though, I realized I was gay in the 8th grade. That goes against all I learned in school and church. Over 7th till the summer before 9th I sunk into deep depression, crying nearly every night, and suffering. I eventually told my best friend last summer. Then when I came to a public highschool with 8x the people, I just went in saying I am gay. Everyone was cool about it, I was masculine, fun and everything and most people couldn't tell until I told them. I pretty much lived my school year being single desperate for someone. Sinking back into my depression. I eventually found someone, 2 months ago whom I love. I then became extremely happy and didn't cry for a month. I then hooked up with a 27 year old and fucked him, losing my virginity. My boyfriend knows nothing about this. This wa a mistake and I went back into depression. Recently in the last week or 2 at school I've all of a sudden been getting shit from a few people in my PE class. Its really hurting me, and I've been getting in bad fights with my parents too. I have a very unclose family and I get along with nonsense of them. I feel like I'm spiraling down and I feel as if the only thing good in my life is my boyfriend. My friends arent even good anymore. What should I do?

Have you tried writing? Usually that can get most of your anger and frustration out and whatnot. You should try it if you haven't already

Hello, Garrett :) Quite a story you have there... I can totally understand your depression, even though I'm an atheist. I believe in no gods, so I don't get contradicting feelings like that. So all I can say about that, is that remember that God is forgiving and loving. He loves all human beings (and animals), so I don't believe it matters to Him if you're gay or whatever. I mean, he is GOD, so why should something like that bother Him? Just be happy and be who you are. Live your life the way you want to. If God gave you this life, you should use it well, you know?

But but, that cheating thing really pisses me off. And you should feel bad about it! I don't approve of cheating on someone you love in no shape or form. Then again, I'm super jealous of my fiancé :D I guess it's good you feel bad about it, it means you care about your boyfriend, right? If my fiancé cheated on me, I'd want to know, so I can kick the bastard out of my life. I don't want a boyfriend who can't be true to me. So if I were you, I'd tell my boyfriend, and let him decide whether or not the relationship can continue. No lies.
Were you drunk when you were with this older fellow? Otherwise I can't understand why you did it O_o I mean, I have plenty of guys hitting on me in bars, but I never DO anything with them. One of them even tried to kiss me, but I evaded :D I guess since I'm so against to cheating on one's partner, I don't even get into weird situations...
Btw, what kind of sex did you have with him? Did you use protection? If you didn't know this guy that well... Just in case of diseases, you know :/

If you choose not to tell your boyfriend, just... don't do stupid things like that ever again. It was a mistake, like you said.

And what about your parents? What kind of things you fight about? Is there a lot of shouting? You know, it's possible to have an argument with no shouting ;) Everyone just sit down, and calmly speak what is bothering them, while others listen. And then have an agreement on how to fix things. No need for drama. Don't irritate your parents needlessly, they'll only punish you and think they're right about everything. Bring out your point of view to them, calmly. And usually parents understand better, when you speak like an adult to them. No screaming like a child. And so, they'll treat you like an adult in return. Well, you're not an adult yet, but you're no little kid either!

You're only 15, so there's a lot that will happen to you. The depression will let go as you get older and realize different things :)

Now don't feel too bad about anything I say, these are only my opinions :3

Well I had sex with the guy before I was dating the guy. Like I had a thing with him but we hadn't even kissed yet, it was hardly considered dating so I wouldn't consider it cheating cuz we were nit yet monogamous. Fucking a guy that old isnt smart and I do regret it, and I will never cheat on myboyfriend now that we are monogamous. And with my family, my dad will shout at all of us even my mom when nothing is wrong he's just irritated and usually were not the cause.

Oh good then, I had the image that you were together with your boyfriend when the older guy thing happened :D My bad. Let's just hope your boyfriend never finds out then, eh? We all have stuff in the past, and it shouldn't affect the present. Not too much, at least. Be good to your boyfriend ^^

What job does your dad have? Usually parents who shout for no real reason are either really tired and irritated, or just plain crazy :D Maybe they have a lot in their minds, money problems, or something... At least, don't shout back at them. Maybe they'll realize they're behaving stupid when you show them how relaxed you are, knowing that you are not the cause.
And remember to help your parents.

Guilt can manifest some interesting phenomenon. that is holding on to guilt, others can read that, and most people are going to read that as an attack against them selves.

Garret

realize that your mistakes are valuable, in the tarot the FOOL is the path to wisdom. We all make mistakes, they are necessary.
IF you believe in god, know this IT doesn't judge you. If you don't, well then don't hold on to your guilt. Either way don't hold on to your guilt.

AS for your parents i have no idea what you may be going through with them, but realize they have limited perceptions as we all do, and they like the rest of us are prone to making foolish mistakes of there own.

AS for school, Sorry but your going to be singled out by people that are ignorant, how ever i hope this isn't the case for you. but be strong realize its just stupidity, and gain strength from it. you choose how it effects you, you can let it break you down, or you can use it to grow stronger.

Give your self a break, and don't fucking pay attention to fearful twits that cant see past their own pulpits. There is more to god than just one stupid book, and that was written by men with an agenda by the way. Don't be afraid to go against what you have learned as far as Christianity is concerned. AS long as you believe that you have to satisfy the collective Judas of a Christian congregation, you are going to hate your self. And if you do believe in god, that is not what it intended. realize that perhaps the bible has some errors. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BREAK DOWN YOUR BELIEF STRUCTURE AND REBUILD IT. I found that looking into all of the worlds different religions gave me a very interesting perspective.... now i don't even need religion... DON'T BETRAY YOUR SELF to be so called acceptable.

It's called the past for a reason, everyone has baggage and it shouldn't affect your relationship as long as you remain faithful. I hope life gets better for you, you deserve it, but we all must go through challenges it's whats makes our souls learn and grow. God will always love you regardless of anything. I want you to know that there are Moonchildren here who will help you if you ever need it. I•L•U•

Awesomazing ;O

Nowhere in the bible does it actually condemn sexuality. Many passages can be interpreted different ways, and often are twisted to they mean something else. If it really bothers you, I would suggest trying to get as accurate a translations as possible as things can sometimes get mixed up or lost in translation. Remember, God loves you no matter what. I highly recommend reading the book "The Shack".

I totally understand the whole depression thing and crying all the time. You may want to consider going on anti-depressants if it gets really bad. Anti-depressants really helped me get my mood back up.


If you slept with the other guy before you started dating your current boyfriend I don't see why it would be a problem. If it is really eating you though it would probably be a good idea to talk with your boyfriend about it.

And unfortunately there will always be people who are jerks. Just do your best to ignore them, but if it gets really bad i reccomend talking to an adult about the problem.

I wish you the best of luck.

hey garrett! ^_^
first thing i want to say is it's ok to be you whoever you are. true, most forms of christianity say it's not ok be gay, but somewhere in the old testament it says children should be stoned for stealing bread, so i wouldn't take it all literally. and even if it was literal god loves all his children.

as for having sex with that older guy, i agree with the other comments: what's past is past. if it's really bothering you and affecting your current relationship, talk to your boyfriend. if it's before you guys were official i'm sure he'll understand; everyone makes mistakes.

you also mentioned some problems on the home front and all i can say is that if living with your family is doing you more harm than good just focus on the future. get a part-time job and save up so you can move out. sometimes people in the same family just aren't meant to stay together.

it seems like you've had some shitty times but things can get better. therapy might help, if all else fails. life is hard. finding something to work towards makes it easier. college, a dream job, someone to love, even a pet parakeet can help if it's something you really want just think of one thing that makes each day worth living. and take life a day at a time

Don't be so harsh on yourself. We are not perfect, just learn from your mistakes and grow. And you don't have to believe in a God, u can believe in whatever you want. find your own god or faith, whatever you wanna call it. Remember that we are all children of the universe, so you should never think badly of yourself.

I.L.U