Re: From Dark To Light & Back Again

by Forace Fri Sep 09, 2011 6:41 pm

Aww, I was sitting here reading your text and looking at your picture and it hit me... I'd love to spend time with you :D I'm sure we'd have a blast. Maybe one day, but for now all I can do is write to you ^^

You know, I've been wanting to redecorate our apartment for ages. Modify my old furniture and stuff. I have this oooold drawer/cupboard thing I got from my grandparents house... I want to paint it black, but then I thought it wouldn't look good and if my dad would allow me to do it and shit... The hinges also need to be changed, it won't stay shut! I've tied a rope around the handles xD Also, I have no idea how to modify furniture @_@
We can't paint the walls, either. I'd like to have some decorative wall stickers, but I never have the money when I see them... So mostly I just draw and paint stuff myself and put them on the wall... But I often dislike my stuff xD

I'm not bipolar (or so I think, I haven't been diagnosed with anything else besides depression), but I can sort of relate to how you feel about creating. I also have many talents: painting, 3D-modeling, handcrafts, drawing, writing, cooking, languages... I guess I could learn to play an instrument, but I don't want to, because then there would be too much in my head :D I'm a visual person now, with almost no musical talent. (Though I'd love to play the violin xD)
I already have too much in my head... My problem is, that I can't concentrate on one thing for too long. I may start a drawing, stop at some point and decide to go bake a cake or whatever, and forget about the drawing for years, even. For example, today I continued a watercolor painting I had started a year or two ago...
This concentration thing is causing me trouble at school :D

Most of all, I have tons of ideas, but nothing comes out :/ It's like I'm blocked. But I believe it's because of my... own laziness to really change the way I do things.

But I don't have the problem of "feeling too much". Only rarely, and I get over quickly. So I don't need any medication, I never have. Nor do I want to, because I think it's not natural, and that a person will be their true self and truly strong without medication... You could live without medication, too, I believe, if you learned how to deal with your emotions... But right now, quitting wouldn't be smart, I guess. You still have your process, and it's helping you nonetheless. Maybe you can start taking less medication some day? I'm no doctor, so I'm not the best person to talk about this :D

At least try painting and writing? It may be that once you start, you'll be able to do it more, and create even while on medication.

And you've been single for a long time because you've been learning and getting better, so you'll be ready for the love of your life! ^^ You are too good for most guys, and I'm sure the right one will come along and love and appreciate you when the time is right.

by Tara Sat Sep 10, 2011 4:27 pm

Aww, I was sitting here reading your text and looking at your picture and it hit me... I'd love to spend time with you I'm sure we'd have a blast. Maybe one day, but for now all I can do is write to you ^^

I feel that way about a few people on here. It's a shame we live so far away. I'd love to share my beautiful little island with you.

You know, I've been wanting to redecorate our apartment for ages. Modify my old furniture and stuff. I have this oooold drawer/cupboard thing I got from my grandparents house... I want to paint it black, but then I thought it wouldn't look good and if my dad would allow me to do it and shit... The hinges also need to be changed, it won't stay shut! I've tied a rope around the handles xD Also, I have no idea how to modify furniture @_@
We can't paint the walls, either. I'd like to have some decorative wall stickers, but I never have the money when I see them... So mostly I just draw and paint stuff myself and put them on the wall... But I often dislike my stuff xD

I wasn't sure if mine would look good either but it was old and cheap so I didn't care very much. Plus the pieces I had don't have any hinges, just handles and screws and stuff. So I did it and after a couple coats it turned out pretty good. When your painting something a solid color it's hard to screw up. Give it one coat and if it doesn't look like enough or it looks bad just give it another til your satisfied.
Oh yeah and when buying paint you should talk to whoever works there and try to describe the surface/finish of the object you want to paint. Most things can be painted without an issue. Even most things with that fake wood looking stuff on it. BUT if it's an object with an extremely shiny surface the paint won't stick.
As far as fixing the door and getting new hinges you'd probably need someone to do that that knows what there doing. My brother and father are carpenters by trade so if I ever need something fixed they do it.
I buy all of my stickers at the dollar store. 2$ a piece for each large wall sticker. They are cheap but when you put them up they look sick.

I'm not bipolar (or so I think, I haven't been diagnosed with anything else besides depression), but I can sort of relate to how you feel about creating. I also have many talents: painting, 3D-modeling, handcrafts, drawing, writing, cooking, languages... I guess I could learn to play an instrument, but I don't want to, because then there would be too much in my head I'm a visual person now, with almost no musical talent. (Though I'd love to play the violin xD)
I already have too much in my head... My problem is, that I can't concentrate on one thing for too long. I may start a drawing, stop at some point and decide to go bake a cake or whatever, and forget about the drawing for years, even. For example, today I continued a watercolor painting I had started a year or two ago...
This concentration thing is causing me trouble at school

I am the opposite. Once I start drawing something I can't stop until it's done. But I go months, years sometimes without starting a new one. & now it's been a little over a year...the longest so far.
I have a lot of trouble staying still and focusing too, but the medication has helped with that a little.
I had to quit jobs in the past because I was in a cubical and I couldn't handle sitting still for all that time. It was like hell lol

But I don't have the problem of "feeling too much". Only rarely, and I get over quickly. So I don't need any medication, I never have. Nor do I want to, because I think it's not natural, and that a person will be their true self and truly strong without medication... You could live without medication, too, I believe, if you learned how to deal with your emotions... But right now, quitting wouldn't be smart, I guess. You still have your process, and it's helping you nonetheless. Maybe you can start taking less medication some day? I'm no doctor, so I'm not the best person to talk about this

I agree about the medication. It's one of my main issues. I know it's not natural and it's not what was meant to be, yet it's helping in more ways then it's hindering. I'm thinking maybe I should stay on it for another year or so and then take it back little by little until I don't need it anymore. I'm not sure if I can be like I am now without it, but I will give it a try some day. As for now I still have healing to do...it sucks...but such is life.

And you've been single for a long time because you've been learning and getting better, so you'll be ready for the love of your life! ^^ You are too good for most guys, and I'm sure the right one will come along and love and appreciate you when the time is right.

That means a lot to me to hear that. It does me a lot of good. Especially to hear it more then once from different people like that. Just gotta hang in there and keep doing what I'm doing.

*IMPORTANT PLEASE READ*
So I figure since the issue is in my mind I should warn people about a scam that's going around. I'm not sure if it's only in North America or if it's in other parts of the world as well, but here it goes.
I called my grandmother today and she said she would call me back and that she was on the other line. I asked what's going on and she said some company called "Ammy" was calling her and said that her computer had a virus or something and it was infecting other people and she had to let them have access to her computer so they could fix it.
So right away I start feeling all hot and I know something isn't right. I told her I didn't feel right about it and she should hang up on them.
She said I can't they said I have to fix it and she wouldn't get off the phone. So I hung up the phone and started googling of course.. Guess what I found right away? That it is a new scam. I phoned her back right away and thankfully she had hung up, but she'd already given them access to the computer.
Apparently she had a gut feeling as well that this wasn't right and when they asked permission to fix the problem she said you know I don't feel right about this. My grand daughter doesn't think that is legitimate and i think she's right. I think I'll have someone local look at it. Immediately then they hung up in her face. Confirming my fear.
So we called the bank and made sure that they hadn't accessed her credit card or anything and they hadn't. They told her to shut her computer off until she had someone look at it and make sure everything was ok. So that's that. She was lucky. Just proves that you should ALWAYS follow your intuition.
That being said, if you get any strange phone calls like this either hang up or be sly and try to get their name and number and then contact the police or the FBI. NEVER give ANYONE access to your computer unless it's your local computer repair place that you trust OR your internet service provider. AND even if someone called claiming to be from your internet service provider tell them you'll call them back and phone your company to confirm weather or not this was actually them calling you.
These people will access your personal information and use it to their advantage anyway they can. I think they are mainly after online banking so that they can steal every cent you have. PLEASE be careful! XOXOXO

Anyway on a lighter note, my Mom and little brother are home in Germany now safe and sound. I miss them so much. Noah is the cutest kid ever. I wish he was here so I could see him grow up, instead of seeing him on a webcam and photos and the time.

Here we are feeding the ducks in the park this summer <3

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by Tara Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:02 pm

Do you ever get so fucking mad sometimes that you could literally ring someone's neck??? I do, often. It's one big issue I have to work on.
I just get sooooo angry over the littlest things that I think 'if someone were to get in my way right now they might end up in the ICU'.
I try my best to see the good in everyone and treat people nicely but then they turn around and do the most IDIOTIC and ANNOYING things. I usually end up taking it out on some random inanimate object or the wall.
Some of the people I deal with on a daily basis are just so fucking stupid and selfish. Like, all they fucking care about are themselves and can't see the shit that's right in front of their fucking face!
Why the hell can't they just fucking think "you know I could be wrong sometimes" or "the world doesn't revolve around me". OMFG is that too much to ask????
Open your FUCKING EYES AND MIND there's more to life then YOUR OPINION and YOUR WAY. Get it through your fucking skull already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It boils my blood until I feel like I'm going to explode...
But do I ever say this to them? No, because chances are I'm probably being petty or overeating. Not to mention these are people I love and are usually more good to me than not. It's probably best to let simple minds be simple minds.

Damn, that felt good to let that out. *Deep breaths*

by Tara Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:05 pm

So I have to do 30 hours of volunteer work before I am "officially" graduated high school and can move on to college. So tonight I went to my orientation to get my information I needed to start.
I will be volunteering for a shelter for abused and abandon beagles. They take in beagles who have been...like I said...abused, abandoned, etc. Usually it's because people get them for hunting and when they can't hunt anymore they don't want them. So the shelter takes them and finds foster homes for them if they can.
I will be taking them for walks every week and probably doing some "office shifts" where I will just stay in the office in case an animal should be dropped off to us, feed the dogs, let them out to play, put them in their crates for sleep, clean up after them etc.
I can't wait to start. I think it'll be a very rewarding experience. Plus it'll kill free time, get me more exercise...all that junk. I'm going to even continue doing it after I get my 30 hours whenever I can.
Your heart breaks when you look at these little guys and imagine what some of them have been through. Most of them are pretty old and you can see the wear and tear on them.
I can imagine for the life of me how anyone on this earth could mistreat or bring harm to another one. It actually makes me really fucking mad. If I ever caught anyone hurting an animal like that so help me I wouldn't be able to control myself. But enough negative thinking for today, I did enough of that last night as you can see by the last post. LOL!

Goodnight everyone

by Tara Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:34 pm

So, this was the scene outside my building last night.
I was in the spare room in my third floor apartment last night re-potting one of my plants. I sat down and did it in about 5 minutes. I got up and turned around, placed the plant in the window and something caught my eye.
It took me a couple seconds to realize that it was fire and to realize it was coming from a car in the parking lot across from me.
So, naturally, I darted as fast as I could to the next room where the phone was, tripping over cats and various other things. I finally got it and dialed 911. I could barley spit out my address I was so worried it would explode or the building next to it would catch fire, or the other cars.
At the time there wasn't another soul outside anywhere, I was the first person to see it. Luckily I caught it in it's early stage and was able to get help fast.
When I first saw it it was a small fire on the hood, by the time I got off the phone with the emergency operator almost the entire car was engulfed in flames.
A few guys came out and were heading up close to it and I noticed them and screamed "Move back for fuck sakes!!!" as soon as I said it they heard me, moved away and it made it's first small explosion, sending glass and metal everywhere. Then there was another small explosion.
By the time the fire trucks and police got here, the car next to it had caught as well.
Luckily they were able to put it out before it got to the gas tank and before the other car had any serious damage. By this time there were people everywhere. Eventually they hauled the wreck away.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to help the police. Whoever did it (If it was vandalism, it likely was) must have ran away the second before I looked out the window.
Anyway...I'm glad I saw it when I did or it could have been worse. Here's some pics! LOL.
You may not be able to see the second car as it was behind all the smoke and flames.
I should also add that these types of things are rare here. They happen occasionally but not often. This includes murders and robberies. The most common thing is car accidents. BUT I have seen this twice before. The worst was when a car exploded near my house at 3:00 am...that was HUGE explosion and shook houses for kilometers. The fire got to the gas tank in that case.

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by Riley Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:02 pm

[quote="Forace"](Though I'd love to play the violin xD)quote]

If you start, you will regret saying that. TRUST ME.

And OMG, Tara!! Lucky you saw it, and the guys walking towards it(people are so stupid LOL) just wow. I can't believe people do stuff like that. Just ugh.

by Tara Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:21 pm

Right???? Like come on it's a car full of gas and other chemicals. A 5 year old would probably know it could easily explode. Lol...it was quite the night. I'm glad no one was hurt. I feel terrible for whoever owned the cars though :S

by Riley Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:40 pm

Lord, that would be EXPENSIVE. As I was reading, I was sure you would say it was your car and then I'd feel so bad. XD

by Tara Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:42 pm

LOL Nope. I haven't got a license yet but if it was MY car I would be PISSED...like rippin pissed...

by Riley Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:48 pm

Hahaha IKR! Very Happy

I would be so angry. SOMEBODY WOULD BE GETTING CUT. lol jkjkjkjk.

by Tara Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:55 pm

Bahahahahaha.
Just around the corner there's one of those lovely cliche *bad streets*. It wouldn't be too hard for one of those hard ass kids to come over here, set the car on fire and boot er back to their house. All in all it'd probably take about 10 minutes to get here and do the deed and about 10 seconds to run back. It's kinda mean to stereotype, but shit...the teenagers living there DO cause a hell of a lot of trouble.
I was talking to my neighbors last night while all of this was going down and a couple of them actually mentioned about 2 or 3 creepy guys trying to get in the building and trying to make them believe they lived there while these girls were out for a smoke or whatever. So there's another possibility.
I live in such a skeevy city sometimes...lol

by Tara Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:01 pm

Oh, weekends at home. Sitting here smoking my cigarettes with the window open. Listening to skeevy drunk people and girls talking in that annoying high pitched voice, getting on with all of their drama and bullshit.
How entertaining, LOL.
But at the same time I am kind of jealous. I'd love to be out having drinks with MY friends, but unfortunately I have to wait until October 1st for that. I can't wait until I get through school and start working. Maybe then I can have some fun every weekend...no matter what it is. Could be as simple as going to a movie or out to dinner. Maybe even a late night walk in the park with someone. But for now I'm stuck on the pitiful amount of money I get every few weeks and therefore, less options.
But hey, appreciate what you've got, right? There are so many people in the world who have far less then I do & I do appreciate every cent, every luxury, and every good time I have with everyone.
I'll tell you one thing, if you've never smoked, don't start! It's one of the hardest things to overcome. I've been smoking for, let's see, almost 9 years now and I'm only 24...almost 25. It's a horrible habbit...it makes you stink like smoke, it ruins your complexion, it eats away at your money, and then there's the health risks. But FUCK do I ever love it! So pathetic I know. I quit and just keep coming back for more. Especially when I'm drinking with friends...oh do I ever crave it then. Really bad. Actually, that's usually what makes me start smoking again. I'll be quit for a while, then I'll have some drinks and think "I'll just buy a pack for tonight". Then the next day I'm like "I'll just buy one more pack and then be done" but I'm never done. *Sigh* and now I have to hide it from my family. They think I'm still quit from the first time, which was almost a year ago. It's so sad. AND unless you have smoked don't dare bitch at me saying "how hard can it be?" because if you've never been a smoker you simply can't understand. It's like fucking crack.
Not to mention it screws with my singing voice, makes me break out and makes me have migraines that much more often. As if I don't get enough of those! Another thing, when I quit, I eat so much more. I don't know why that happens to people. I guess it's just kind of like a replacement. You get a craving, what else is there to do? I'll go have a snack. That REALLY doesn't help my weight loss.
By the way I'm down to 151!!!! I am psyched and super proud of myself. My goal right now is 130. When I get down to that weight, my reward will be a big meal of fish bites and chips! Mmmmmm! (Translation; tiny pieces of deep fried battered fish and french fries, don't hold back on the tartar sauce!)
After 130 my next goal (& reward level) will be 120. I'm not sure what my 120 feast will be yet...any suggestions??? I like most foods...but what I'm able to eat (Because of this stupid stomach condition) is another matter.
When I get to 120, I may go down another 5 or 10 pounds. It all depends on how it looks on me. I don't want to be rake thin. I just want to put away that belly. I'm only 5'3" and I have a small bone structure, and huge boobs, so I may be able to go down to 115. We'll see. I don't want to look or be unhealthy.

So, changing the topic to the extreme, I've been told I may have a "gift". I should mention I keep a very open mind. I take in everything. It could be religions, ways of life, points of view, and even the paranormal. I accept everything as a "possibility" but also keep my doubts.
Just recently I've discovered and have been told that I may have this "gift". Because of things that happened in my childhood, a couple things that have happened over the past few years, but especially things that have happened since I've been healing and starting to feel clear and like myself.
I've predicted things much ahead of time, sometimes years, sometimes months, and they have always come true. Often when I meet a new person, or even see a picture of someone I've never met, I get a feeling. They usually vary from three distinct feelings...or whatever it is. It's like I get this wave come over me and I just instantly know what kind of person they are. The three different types are "Warm": this means that the person is very sweet and good hearted, you know. The kind of person everyone loves and the kind of person who will do anything for anyone. The second is the most common it's just like..."So, so" I guess would be the best words to explain it. I guess that would just be your average person with even negative and positive about them. The third...this is the most rare...and I fucking hate it, "Creep". That's a good word. The kind of person who usually may appear to be nice and decent on the outside, but inside there is something wrong. Something very bad. Usually it's a sexual thing...you know, like a dirty old man to the extreme. The kind of person people just don't feel comfortable around and sometimes aren't aware they shouldn't be comfortable around.
I've had a couple things happen to me as well, that no one else picked up on, "ghostly encounters", if you will. I'm still trying to make sense of them and my mind is still trying to write them off as just powerful effects of the brain and other conditions.
Now I know this probably sounds retarded to most people reading this, and you probably now think I am nuts...which I am, of course But I don't care, really, lol. Don't worry about what other people think, words to live by.
I'm not entirely sure I believe it myself. It's just been happening so much lately it's been overwhelming, and I was afraid and confused, so I went and talked to some people that were very knowledgeable in the area and they listen to every detail word for word and seem to think I'm actually very different. I think the big word used was "sensitive".
I'm not going to tell you all of the details that led up to that, because they are very personal to me, some traumatic and it's hard for me to share. But I will say this; even though I'm open minded I'm also very logical and I do look at these things and think maybe it was a coincidence, or whatev. Then again, if it is it's an awful big one. Anytime I've made a "prediction" or I get a "feeling" something is going to happen, it always has. I don't ever TRY to do it, a specific thought just pops into my head, nagging at me.
Every time I get that "wave/feeling" about someone, I'm always right about them. I have discovered that my extreme anxiety when I'm in crowds could also be explained as I'm just overwhelmed with these "waves" and feelings from all of the people I'm surrounded by. I'll admit I do become flooded with all kinds of emotions when I'm in that situation (Christmas shopping is like hell lol). I suppose it could be, or it could just be regular old anxiety disorder.
I can't explain it all and neither can anyone else. I'm not going to go around boasting that I'm special or whatever...I still have my doubts, but I so badly want to believe. It gives me hope that if there can people like this in the world, then there can be powers and beings greater than us, and that the dead never really die. They are just there, somewhere, waiting for us to join them. It's beautiful and it does my heart a lot of good. It makes me happy. Maye that's all it is, my inner workings searching for some sort of hope and happiness. Maybe not.
Keep this our little secret. No one I know personally knows about this, and it kills me to keep it inside. I just feel comfortable telling you guys things. Maybe because I don't have to look you in the eye every day, or maybe I'm just really comfortable on here. Whatever it is, keep your mind open, don't judge people for things like this. If it happened to you, you'd likely feel the same way and it's not easy. It's frightening to have these things happen all the time and be all alone with it, not knowing what to think. So please love and don't judge <3 Xoxoxoxoxo

I've got some hungry animals to tend to, then I need some sleep. Have a good night everyone!

P.s. Check out this guy! His name is Albie and he's a full grown Bearded Dragon. I'm having him as my house guest while a friend of mine is looking for an apartment. He seemed to enjoy licking my guitar, lol. Cool or what?

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by Tara Mon Sep 19, 2011 7:27 pm

Day 2 of gutting out my apartment. Everything that hasn't been used in a long time, doesn't work, or is just plain useless is going bye-bye. It's amazing the crap you can accumulate over the years, especially when your really sentimental.
So far I've gotten rid of about 4 garbage bags of clothes, 2 garbage bags of random junk, a garbage bag of trash, and a few small boxes of random dishes and house hold items. Oh! We can't forget the reptile tank complete with accessories, a fish tank complete with accessories, a vacuum cleaner I never use, a bag of food for the food drive and a few more odds and ends.
Right now I'm taking everything out of the cupboards, lining it with some of that grippy stuff...cupboard liner and totally rearranging everything.
It feels sooooooooooooo good to have this stuff gone, I can't even describe. It'll reduce my stress level, that's for sure.
Now to actually drag all of the stuff out and bring it to donation bins and friends. Selling the tanks and vacuum, though.
When all of this is over I'm going to start making over my living room. I've decorated it a lot since I've moved in here but I find myself thinking it looks a little tacky. I'm going to try and find some decent priced sofa and chair covers, some new coffee and end tables and make it look classy. That'll be better
Well, back to work I go. I hope everyone is having a great night! <3 XOXOXOXOXO

by Tara Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:57 pm

FINALLY all of the house gutting is done! I've gotten rid of SO many things I was holding onto for who knows whatever reasons. There is so much more room here now and it is much cleaner. All that's left lying around are the couple things I'm trying to sell, the tanks and whatever.

I officially started my volunteer work last night. It went great. It's a very friendly, relaxed environment. Not to mention I get to play with like 6 adorable beagles and help them heal from the miserable lives they've had before they reached the shelter.
Tomorrow I'll be dropping in again for a shift from 4:00PM - 6:00PM. I'm going to see if I can manage to get 2, or, 3 at the most, dogs out for a walk. I've also got a few blankets and a big dog bed cushion type thing to donate for the dogs to use for sleeping or just relaxing. It feels so good to help Plus I'm getting even more exercise.

The exercise is going great too, btw. I'm one pound away from being in the 140's. FINALLY! People are noticing and complimenting me on it and it feels so great to know that all of my hard work is paying off. I feel so much more confident and beautiful, more than I have ever felt in my life. Especially with the bonus of my mind healing. I feel great and life is good.
I notice that the more active I am and the more work I make for myself the happier I seem to get. I guess sitting around at a computer all day isn't the greatest thing to do, especially if you slip into a dark place like I do, thinking about things you shouldn't think about.

Hmm, what else? I have a date It's been a long time since I've had a date. This guy seems really nice and he's pretty cute as well. He's waiting on me to set a date for it when I look at my schedule. We'll see how it all goes I guess!

Anyway, I think it's time for me to pamper myself a little. Going to get a nice hot bubble bath with candles and all. I can't wait...my back has been so bad lately. I have a curve of the spine, which usually affects my lower back, but it's been much better since I got my gel memory foam for my bed. But lately, as in the past couple weeks, my back has been hurting in the upper area, just below my shoulder blades on either side. It's this horrible burning pain and it's pretty hard to ignore. Sometimes it even creeps up into my shoulder blades. It's incredibly annoying. I have a doctor's appointment but it's not until early October

Ok, enough rambling, time to relax. Goodnight everyone, I hope your all feeling as happy as I am <3 XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by mimi Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:04 pm

pictures!!! Smile

and yes.. as far as im concerned.. im feeling just as happy as you are!
i am loving life at the moment.

by Tara Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:40 pm

Oh there will be pics of my weight loss AND the pups! I had an awesome walk with them today. I had a 2 hour shift and managed to walk 3 of them. I am in love <3

GOOD! I am happy your happy! Yay! Wish everyone could be...

by Tara Thu Sep 29, 2011 8:26 pm

Well, my volunteer work is going great. I love walking those dogs. I have another shift tomorrow from 4-6pm.
Beforehand I hope to get some shopping done. Double the money for me this time and I need some things for the house and groceries, etc. Plus I've gotta find a nice shirt to wear tomorrow night (Party!!!) I really need a break. For weeks now I've been gutting out my apartment and my Grandmother's, cleaning them and giving everything we don't want to good will or to friends. It's been a looooong few weeks. But finally all of the work is DONE and everything is neat and orderly, and, there's just SO much more room! Out with the old and in with the new Smile

On the shittier side of life, the guy I had a "date" with turned out to be a total nutcase. First of all, he seemed a little immature, but I figured, hey, people are different when they are talking on the computer sometimes then in real life. So I let that slide.
Second of all he was making jokes every now and then like "Yeah you should take your shirt off, lol just joking". I said "You know, I'm not trying to sound like a bitch or anything but jokes like that can give off a bad impression, especially to girls like me. They are probably best saved for when you know me a little better." So at that he flew off the handle "Jesus what is it with girls they cant take a little joke, whatever, that's fine then...blah blah blah". At the time he was having a lot of pain with his wisdom teeth, so later he apologized and said yeah I was in pain and not thinking straight, sorry sweetie". So I said ok...I'll let that slide ONCE.
So the third and final straw came when he was like "You should come over to my apartment with me and watch a movie" (Even though he already promised me an ACTUAL DATE) and I said "Well you know I'd really feel more comfortable meeting you in a public place for the first time, if you don't mind." and he goes "Well, I do mind actually, but whatever." and then again with the "Jesus what is it with girls??? You think I'm gonna rape you or something???" To which I replied "No, I didn't say that. I simply said for my first time meeting you I'd like it to be in public. I've had a situation in the past where I went for a drive with someone my first time meetings them and it didn't turn out well, to put it lightly, so I set a rule that if I ever met someone off of a dating website again I would meet them in a public place, no exceptions. It's nothing personal towards you, it's just how I do things." and to that he replied "Ooooooh so you DO think that! You do think I'm gonna rape you! Well whatever man I am gone". So yeah, then he went offline...final straw for me. I wrote him an offline message saying "I have NEVER said ANYTHING to you to cause you to fly off of the handle like that. Like I said, I have rules set in place for these kinds of things, it's not personal to anyone, it's just the way I do things. If you have a problem with that then I'm deleting you. I am NOT putting up with this shit from you or anyone else. I've taken enough crap in the past from asshole guys and I am sick of it. I am a classy, beautiful, intelligent, talented girl and I deserve RESPECT. If your not going to give it to me, you can fly to fuck.
I would say good luck to you but your probably not going to get it until you realize that your acting like a complete asshole. You won't find ANYONE until you smarten the fuck up and grow the fuck up. Don't EVER text me or message me again."
& that's that! FUCK THAT SHIT! Why the hell are almost all the men on this island completely fucking brain dead and retarded? Like holy fuck he was so sweet for the weeks we were chatting then turns into a complete psychopath. I have my rules and that's it. I sort of like the idea of having our local dating website. I have met nice guys there in the past. But apparently all the nice ones have vacated and let the nut jobs take over.
I mean, this guy was really cute, too. But I'm not settling for some bat shit crazy asshole that's going to wig out at me for everything I say like my ex. FUCK THAT. I am too good for that shit. I've come so far and grown so much I know I can't settle until I have the best.
Can you imagine if I had actually met him??? Omg...he COULD be a damned rapist he made such a big deal out of it. LOL. I guess things happen for a reason...glad I didn't go and meet him earlier.
So do YOU think I said ANYTHING wrong???? I really don't think so...

Anyway FUCK IT! Life is good for me...and so it goes on without crazy people...the bad kind anyways Wink

by bupple Thu Sep 29, 2011 9:16 pm

hey, i really like your blog. please do tell us more about intuitive feelings.

by Forace Fri Sep 30, 2011 5:59 am

Oh wow, that guy was a total asshole! Seems he had no respect for you or your wishes. Weird sense of "humor", even I don't find that funny. I absolutely despise rape jokes. If he was joking, otherwise he was just trying to get inside your panties :X You did the right thing, you're far too good for idiots like him <3 Good riddance :D And hey, at least you tried, though I'm sorry the first "date" had to be a disaster :D
Good thing you have rules, and that you follow them. Someone sensible and respectful is bound to come along some day!

by Tara Fri Sep 30, 2011 6:59 am

^bupple - I will. The next time something weird happens I will share. Only trouble is I never know when it will.

^Forace - Damned straight! Good thing the first date was prevented. We were supposed to meet up last week at the mall because I was there with some friends anyway. After they left I was gonna meet him and he ended up in the emergency room. I guess sometimes things really do happen for a reason. Also, I should always listen to my gut when someone feels sketchy to me. It's always right.
I still can't get over his reactions to the most common, simplest things! What a crack pot! was with two guys like that and I NEVER will be again. To hell with em.

by Tara Sat Oct 08, 2011 6:23 pm

I'm working on a neat little project tonight and tomorrow. It's a decoration for my room (for when my room is all complete). I'll post it in handcrafts and do a tutorial, although it's VERY simple! Can't wait to show you guys the finished product

I met a guy the other day. He's really sweet and we had fun. Great guy and he loves the darker side of stuff, like me, but I have no physical attraction toward him whatsoever. I really hope he doesn't expect too much of me. I think I made it clear I was just getting to know new people and (MAYBE) see where it goes from there.
I need to take things slow...I've lived and learned enough to know what I want and what I don't want and I KNOW I don't have to "settle" for anything less than what I want in a person.
Only the very best from me from now on...I deserve it <3

Have a great weekend everyone <3

by mimi Sun Oct 09, 2011 1:36 am

yay yay!!

u know but sometimes.. if you dont have an immediate attraction is the best..
i did smth very stupid and i slept with this guy who i was crazily attracted to (still am to be honest) and it was .. bad Very Happy

like half way through i was just thinking when it was going to stop lol

but i like that you've decided not to commit to anyone just yet - there's time and u need to heal properly first before you commit to anyone else but yourself!

by Tara Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:26 am

Yeah, I know what you mean about the attraction thing.
My ex of three years was not good looking at all whatsoever...and we were just hanging out and eventually I fell for his personality. But then he turned out to a total ass and put me through hell. Not saying this guy will do that but I feel like eventually I just settled for my ex because I liked who he was and there were no other options. This time I'm MAKING other options and I'm not going to stop until I'm totally satisfied. I'm a queen and I deserve a king. LOL, yeah that sounds silly but it's so true. And it's true for you too whenever you are ready or randomly come across one.

& exactly...I just need to meet people and get to know them and let nature take it's course I guess. No jumping into anything and no searching. I think I'll make some great new friends along the way.

Now I have to go check to see if the paint is dry on my "project" and finish it so I can post it!!! Very Happy

by Tara Sat Oct 15, 2011 3:05 pm

The weight loss is still goin fab! Me (isn't it obvious which one I am lol) and a few at a party a couple weekends ago. Lost a couple more since then. I feel damn fine... Hehe. Can't wait to reach my goal! Guess who's getting spoiled???

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 6 31370010

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 6 31370010

by Tara Tue Oct 18, 2011 7:12 pm

Not feeling entirely myself today, but I have to keep believing that it'll pass soon. Besides, it's probably just PMS anyway. I just feel a little dull and listless, struggling to keep my head above water.
I shouldn't feel that way, though. Things seem to be going alright. I'm working twice a week walking the Beagles at the shelter and I love them. The breed is such a good temperament. Always happy to see you and full of energy and love for those who give them the love they need.
I have seen a couple come in to the shelter and be very standoffish at first, quickly pulling away when you put your hand out, even growling a little at first. But once they realize that they are safe now, that we love them and no one will ever neglect or abuse them again, they all come around and end up the same way; happy and loving.
My heart aches for these poor little creatures. Many people here around the bay (Newfie translation: in the rural areas of the island) use them only for hunting. Usually they are kept in a pen with a bunch of other dogs and forced to fight over food and whatever else they may be given. Never taken for walks, never given any real affection. They are treated like hunting machines with no soul or feeling. Often if one becomes too old to hunt, or just doesn't ever hunt well, it will be dumped in the woods or on the side of the road to fend for itself.
Some are taken in as puppies by people who want a pet, only to be tied onto a dog house outside for it's entire life.
It makes me so angry. Please THINK long and hard before you get ANY pet. Make sure you are always willing and able to give them the love and attention they deserve. After all, us humans are only animals ourselves, we just have advantages that the rest of the creatures don't. Why should they be treated any less then we are? They shouldn't. Plain and simple.
Anyway, we get new dogs all the time and find foster homes and homes for them all the time. So right now there are currently 5. A week ago there were 7 but one had to be put down (She has cushing's disease AND an inoperable tumor in her neck and she was in constant pain) and one (Who I was particularly fond of) found a foster home. I'm glad he has a home for the time being, but I miss him all the same.
On another note, I've put my application into our local college. I just have to bring them my transcript (My hs grades) and I'll be on the waiting list. Hopefully I'll get in January, if not it'll be September for sure but I hope I don't have to wait that long.
I've chosen to do Office Administration in the legal area, put plainly meaning a secretary for a law firm. It's kind of dry, I know, but there is high demand for secretaries in the province and it pays decent. I really need to focus on the money aspect because my rent is 800$ a month and I am not moving again for a long time. I've moved so many times in the past couple years I can't bare to do it anymore. I'm happy here for now. I have my own two bedroom, lovely apartment on the third floor. No overly strict rules or anything and it's peaceful most of the time.
My favorite part is having NO ROOMATES. They drive me crazy! Maybe it's my OCD but everyone I've ever shared an apartment with has caused me grief. Mainly because of cleanliness. Dishes, etc. They would laze around not worrying about a thing while I worked my ass off trying to have a clean home. That's not too much to ask is it? To have a vacuumed carpet, swept and mopped floor, clean dishes to eat off of and a CLEAN BATHROOM! Yes, CLEAN BATHROOM! I can't express that more. Plus i love my privacy.
I just can't handle living with people, I can't do it. I get so stressed out every single day. Plus when you move in with friends, you always end up hating each other.
Maybe one day if I meet the right person and am with them for a loooooong time then I might try living with them, but that's it. No room mates...just love <3
Well, I guess that's all I've got to say for now. I'm going to take a nice hot bubble bath and try to relax.

Love to you all and I hope with all my heart you all have something to smile about <3 I.L.U.

Night, beauties XO

by Tara Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:08 pm

So I'm here with my pack of cigarettes...yes I've picked it up AGAIN. I've quit SO many times I've lost count. It's just so hard to stay quit when almost everyone around me smokes. It isn't their fault. I can't expect them to not smoke around me and I can't just not hang out with my friends because they smoke. It's my own issue and I have to resolve it for myself.
Every time I am smoking I am thinking about when I'm going to develop Cancer, or something like that, where the money for my next pack is going to come from. Food or cigarettes? Lovely little things like bubble bath and other luxuries or cigarettes? It's got to come to an end. I can't afford to do it...my health can't afford it either.
It's also really hard when I'm having drinks with friends. That's the hardest time not to smoke. I just love that combination so much. But it must end.
I quit and I quit and I just run right back to it. The hold is so strong I can't even describe it. If you do smoke or ever have smoked, yo understand exactly what I am talking about. So now I'm asking anyone who reads this to help me out. Send me your love and strength and help me quit this nasty habit before it takes away every cent I have, or even worse, kills me.
When this pack is gone, I'm going to try again. I hope with all my heart that this time I have the strength to stop for good. I also hope that this might inspire my dear friends to stop as well.
Here's to quitting, forever, and living healthy and happy with some extra cash in my pocket all the time.

by bupple Sun Oct 23, 2011 6:33 pm

quitting is really hard.... I know people who had quit smoking for 4 years and started all over again! You really have to have a good reason for it, otherwise it'll be really hard for u to quit. But you can def do it, you already have the strength to do anything you want

by Tara Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:25 am

Yes I know what you mean by "a really good reason". I always think that I have several good reasons, the main one being money and then my health, but it always ends up like I don't really believe it's going to hurt me...and that I can always buy "just one more pack". Fuck it's hard. But your right, I know I can do it. I just have to start doing more yoga again and other things to de stress. Plus I have to find activities to replace smoking. In the past when I have quit I have always replaced it with food, which is NOT a good idea considering I've just worked damned hard to lose about 55 pounds give or take and have more to go.
Maybe I should just go crazy and buy a pile of craft stuff and other things like that to keep me busy, keep my mind off of it. I don't know...

Meanwhile...I had two options for plans today and now both are ruined because of the weather and I am stuck inside my house with no money to my name and I am wigging out. I hate it when that happens! it makes my anxiety go through the roof. One minute I'm getting ready to head out and then the next I'm trapped with little or nothing to do and it's only almost 2:00pm. It's such a horrible feeling for me. Like my skin crawls with this ticklish feeling and my mind races and it just feels like I'm being held hostage or something.
It sounds stupid I know. Especially to anyone who doesn't understand anxiety disorders. But that's just the way it is...
Maybe I'll go on a mad cleaning spree...clean this apartment from the floors to the ceiling. That'll waste a lot of time and when it's done I'll feel so much better. I can relax a lot easier when everything is clean. Well...I guess I'll go start on that. I hope everyone is happy and has something to smile about <3

by Tara Sat Nov 12, 2011 5:39 pm

Hmmm can't delete this...well I'll just write instead that I'm feeling much better and this blog was silly Smile

by Tara Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:13 pm

What I last blogged about was written in the heat of the moment. I was pissed and reading it now I feel a little silly. So I'm gonna delete it Very Happy

I'm not going to explain what happened because for one, it's really personal and two, I'd just like to put it behind me. Fuck it. It's over.
I'm feeling much better since that last blog. I realized I only let what that certain person said affect me at the time because I didn't expect it to come from him. It was a shock at the time. I've removed him from everything and I actually feel kind of relieved, surprisingly. I guess I didn't realize it at the time but I think I was just waiting for an excuse to rid him from my life and I finally got one.
I guess when it comes down to it if there is a person in your life that you find yourself worrying about, makes you feel pressured and sometimes stressed, usually it's just best to remove them from your life entirely. Just like sucking the poison out of a wound. I'm glad it's gone.
Funny thing is after I started to over analyz my life and the people in it (or the ones not in it) old friends started talking to me out of the blue. Almost like someone or something is actually looking out for me.
I'm probably also a little stressed from other things. I slacked off on my exercize (which I started again tonight. I used the stationary bike for a whole hour and it felt great), money has been tight, I have to attempt to quit smoking AGAIN, I think I have some pms...lol, I also have some medical issues right now that are making me very uncomfortable and I can't see my doctor to get it fixed until December 1st, and last, my Nanny (Grandmother) is having surgery on Wednesday so naturally I am worried about that (That nothing will happen during) and the fact that what they are removing could be cancerous. They have to test it after it's removed.
I just have a little too much on my plate at the moment. *Sigh* I just need to keep telling myself that everything will be fine and if something goes wrong, I'll just have to be strong and deal with it.
Also I NEED to keep up the exercize every day. It does wonders for the body and mind. It can even help with depression.
Anyway, I'm going to relax and watch some tv. Hopefully there will be no weird nightmares like last night. I fucking hate them!!! Ugh...well good night all.

by Tara Sat Dec 10, 2011 7:22 pm

It's been quite a while since my last post. My birth was on December 4th and I had a wonderful couple of days. I was a bit bummed about it at first. Last year my birhday was horrible. I was alone the entire day (minus like 5 minutes) and no one seemed to want to spend any time with me. It was depressing and I ended up crying my eyes out at home, alone. But then again last year I was also very sick and in a very dark place, so that probably added to it.
THIS year however, I was overwhelmed with love. My friend through a bash for my birthday and the party was awesome. Then the next day I had another small birthday party with family. Not to mention all of the birthday wishes I recieved on Facebook and on my phone. It made me feel so special and I had so much fun. Thank you Smile

<3
I have been talking to a guy for quite a while now. We seem to get along very well and have a special chemistry. I met him for the first time last week and was pleasantly surprised. He was much better looking then in his pictures and he's very sweet and a bit of a goof like me Smile

He came with me to the shelter and we walked a couple of dogs. Then after we went to Starbucks and he bought me a yummy candy cane mocha. We sat by the fireplace for hours talking. It was wonderful. I haven't had a connection like this with a guy since "Him" (Who by the way is engaged now and it's not bothering me. I am actually happy for him and it feels great to be able to say that and mean it).
Anyway, he's working his ass off studying for his exams right now. He has a lot of them next week. We talk every single day and when his exams are over were going out again. I feel like a 16 year old girl *giggles*
I've been sticking to my work out and I feel so damned fine! LOL! I never been more happy and confident in who I am and what I look like.
You think it's bullshit when people say "confidence goes a long way" but it's so true. You just have to really feel it and believe it. Ever since I have been feeling great about myself things have been going so much better. I'm being pursued by a few guys right now (One is starting to creep me out though...message after message and I just keep shooting him down and he just keeps it up :s) and I feel so hot hahaha. But I think this particular one is special and may be just for me. So I've been concentrating on building things up with him. I hope it works out. I've been single for a while now and I've come so far in such a short time I think I deserve to finally have someone special again Smile

Anyway...I'm off to hop on the bike for another half hour! I hope everyone is doing well and I wish you all love and happiness <3 XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

by Tara Sat Dec 24, 2011 3:24 pm

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas Moonchildren!!! (Or whatever else you may celebrate) Remember you are all wonderful and special in your own ways and I am sending all of my love to you at this very special time! I am hoping that every single person finds something to be happy and smile about Talk to you in 2012...

All my love, Tara XOXOXOXO

by Tara Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:07 pm

So glad the holidays are finally over. Not that I didn't enjoy myself, I've just been so busy and now it's finally calming down. I haven't had a work out in a week and I feel like shit for it. Time to start again tonight.
New years was a blast. We had a party and everything went fine...I'm still finding confetti everywhere I turn LOL.
Why is it that every time I go on a date or have a guy chasing after me I never like them like they like me? Am I shallow? Do I expect too much? I've been through so much and I have healed so much. I am stronger now then I have ever been in my life. I still have healing to go, but I know now that I could be just as wonderful to someone as they would be for me. I'm ready now so where are you?
It's not like I need someone else to complete my life, I just want someone special to make it even more amazing then it's already becoming.
I have to wait until September now to go to school. So that's kind of a bummer. I really want to go and get this done so I can have a career and take care of myself without the help of family at times. I want to be independant and spoil myself. I'm nervous as hell about going back to school. Espcially since it's such a big place and I don't think anyone I know will be ging the same time I am. I'll be all on my own. I just hope I can find the strength in me to not be a nervous wreck and find a way to make some new friends. Not to mention get excellent grades and attendance.
Anyway...that's all thats on my mind right now. Off to start the work out I go.

by Krissy Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:11 pm

Well good luck to you when you go back to schoolIam sure u will do just fine.

by out of the hollow Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:18 pm

Glad you had a fun holiday, Tara Smile

Tara wrote:Why is it that every time I go on a date or have a guy chasing after me I never like them like they like me? Am I shallow? Do I expect too much? I've been through so much and I have healed so much. I am stronger now then I have ever been in my life. I still have healing to go, but I know now that I could be just as wonderful to someone as they would be for me. I'm ready now so where are you?
It's not like I need someone else to complete my life, I just want someone special to make it even more amazing then it's already becoming.

It just sounds like you know what you want and aren't willing to accept someone who doesn't deserve you. Which I think is really great! I love you

I'm nervous as hell about going back to school. Espcially since it's such a big place and I don't think anyone I know will be ging the same time I am. I'll be all on my own. I just hope I can find the strength in me to not be a nervous wreck and find a way to make some new friends. Not to mention get excellent grades and attendance.

I am positive you can do it! I started at a new school last October, knew absolutely no one or what it would be like, but as it turned out I made friends, I kept positive, and ended up with good grades too. And if I can I know you can too. I'm actually pretty shy and school's kind of hard for me because I can be too neurotic about things but despite everything... it worked out. And it will for you too if you believe it will. You are sooo strong and positive and I definitely think you can. Smile

by Tara Sat Jan 07, 2012 9:07 am

Thank you you two.

Even though I am nervous about school and all of the strange people there, I know that I can kick it's ass. I've always been intelligent and very now I am very strong and I've learned to not care what anyone else thinks. That should help me a lot now. I've always admired people who think that way and now I am one of them. It feels great Smile

As for the love thing...I've been single for almost three years. But I know the reason why I haven't had an actual relationship with anyone. I wasn't ready. I was very sick and I couldn't handle my own head let alone a relationship. But all of that is over now.
I am VERY strong. I have grown so fast and so much as a person over the past year. I feel wonderful (Most of the time, but most of the time sure beats miserable and wanting to die every day) and I know I can handle almost anything.
So I am ready now...I just need to stop thinking about it because that's the worst thing you can do. It makes the time seem longer and it makes you appear desperate when you don't even realize it. They say love comes when you least expect it. I think that's true...it always used to happen to me that way.
So I am focusing on my exercise and keeping the house spotless, work and going out and having fun.
Then maybe soon I'll find someone special, because now I truly deserve it Smile

I've not been feeling myself the past couple days. I've constantly got that nervous feeling in my stomach and I have no idea why. I feel constantly anxious and irritated by something I can't put my finger on.
Bad thoughts constantly enter my head and I don't want to be thinking them but they just appear and there's nothing I can do to get rid of them.
I feel soooo much. Too much for a human being to have to feel.
I notice every little thing and it breaks my heart. Litter on the ground, old feeble men and women trying to go about running their errands all alone and have people be rude to them, children crying for something that doesn't seem like a big deal to us but you know in their little hearts whatever that thing is they want means the world to them because they don't know any better. Teenagers fighting with one another outside the mall, homely looking stray animals wandering around looking for food...I could go on and on. Everything I see makes me feel so much and so intensely it's hard to not crack and go back to my old ways of being miserable all the time. I see everything, I feel everything. My heart is constantly breaking inside my chest and I mask my face so well that I don't think anyone has any idea how much I suffer alone in my mind from day to day. Mental illness is fucking horrible...bipolar, anxiety and depression and ocd. Sometimes I feel like a lunatic.
But, don't worry, I've come too far to let it get the best of me again. I'll keep pushing it out, telling it to fuck off and leave me alone. It's just so damned hard...and I don't feel comfortable talking to most people which is why I post these things here. Just to let it out somehow.
I wouldn't wish this bullshit on my worst enemy. But I am a fighter and I will be ok Smile

<3

by Krissy Sat Jan 07, 2012 1:15 pm

You just got a try hard and fight that dark feelings.Can't let it win.I know it's hard but hope things will be ok.We all go threw periods of darkish moods.

by Tara Mon Jan 16, 2012 3:55 pm

Thank you <3

I am doing amazing now. I think after that dark period I just jumped UP another like 10 levels.
I have been noticing how much more confidence I have lately.
Usually I try to put myself together really nice and put the make up on all perfectly but now it seems like I don't need to try at all to make myself look put together. It just falls into place right on it's own. I hardly feel the need to wear make up lately. I feel so fucking great. I feel gorgeous without even mascara and no matter what I'm wearing. Don't get me wrong, I love make up, it's like art to me. I just don't feel like I HAVE to wear it to look good.
It's been a long, long time since I've felt so high (on life, that is hahaha). Years...I really have lost track.
I am also free of all this anxiety of being afraid to be and express myself exactly how I want. I've NEVER felt like I could really, truly be myself and now I know for sure that I am.
It's like a month ago I was a rose only half bloomed and now the blossom is flourishing and opening to drink all of the light. That sounds so lame but I think it's the perfect way to explain it.
From head to toe I feel like I am glowing and radiant. It's so strange like I said, this is the first time in my life I've ever experienced this feeling. Strange but so beautiful and wonderful.

On another note I've been sorta dating this guy for a bit now. At first I wasn't sure I could "like" him but then all of a sudden I started to see him in a different light and we've been hanging around like every few days and texting and calling like every day.
Don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with him in the first place...I just get really picky over men and I don't know why. Anyway, he's a genuine sweet person. Very mature where it counts...fun...silly...just over all a sweetie. This is the first man that I've ever been totally myself around and he loves it! God, it's so weird! LOL. I'm also ver, very comfortable around him. usually I'm really nervous around guys I'm dating at first but with him I am not in the least.
I'm around this guy probably not in my best clothes, no make up on, and he's telling me how beautiful and unique I am always am. *Sigh* It's really nice. What a change for me. I think I'm finally getting what I've earned over this past year. Yay me.

AND on a sadder note, one of my friends tried to kill herself last week. I know that deep down she didn't really want to do it, because as soon as she took the pills she texted someone and told them.
She's a lot like me and I think she may have a lot of the same issues that I do. Plus she's just going through a really rough time right now that we won't get into.
But anyway, it's heartbreaking because this girl is BEAUTIFUL. Everything about her is beautiful. Her face, her figure, everything. And when she's in a good mood and happy she has the most beautiful personality, too. She's a doll and I love her so much. And so do a lot of people. She just needs to be strong and get through it. If I can do it she can...I've tried the same thing in the past. But when it comes down to it (most) people really don't want their life to end, they just want the confirmation they are loved.
Please send her love and strength for me. She deserves it. And she has three beautiful little girls that need her.

I hope everyone is happy and has something to smile about Love 2 U XOXOXOXO

by Tara Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:44 pm

60 Pounds and one total mind make over later, here I am. Back into a size 9 (My goal is a 7) & loving life! "If your not getting to know who I am now, you never knew me at all" (Words I think describe me perfectly these days). I'll post a full body later to show off my results
My friend (The one in the last post) is doing amazing as well ILU

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 6 Feb20110

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 6 Feb20110

by Natt Wed Feb 15, 2012 8:31 am

you loook so sweeeeet <3

by Tara Sat Feb 18, 2012 6:24 pm

Lol. Thanks, Natt <3

Shopping. Creating beautiful things Flirting with boys

I FUCKING <3 Ebay. Just sayin'

On another note, I know of two people I used to know very well that have lost their children at a very young age. One was an infant and one was in kindergarten I think. It's so horrible.
Children shouldn't be allowed to die. They are so innocent and adorable. It's one of the most terrible things that can happen in this world.
Can you imagine carrying your child inside you for months, have them born, start to see little glimpses of the person they would have become, loving them more then anyone or anything you've ever loved in your entire life and then have them snatched away from you forever.
It breaks my heart. I hurt and feel for these two girls. They may not have been perfect but they were good mothers and they never deserved to lose their babies. No one should out live their child. I hope that they remain strong and are able to move on with their lives.

by Natt Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:34 am

u're welcome honey

I think that this is unfair that kids dying.... the most horribble is when it their parents killing thier Sad

by Tara Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:25 pm

It is terrible...

I am so unbelievably happy right now. This has been an amazing day.
I may finally have found someone to share this happiness with We'll see how it goes. But for a long time now it's been heading in a great direction and it just keeps getting better <3 I deserve this.

Party tomorrow with a bunch of my favorite people! I got a new dress, new boots and I'm dying my hair. It's gonna be fun. I'll have a drink for YOU!

I appreciate everything I receive in life every single day, every breath I take. But days like this make me stop and realize how truly lucky I really am <3

I*L*U*

by mimi Sat Mar 03, 2012 2:28 am

You have no idea how happy it makes me to read all this!
Life is treating me SO good as well and I've stopped worrying so much about things because I know I'm being taken care of and things will work out.
I've also been feeling really good from working out and eating healthy (although ive got a fucking cold at the moment). and ive had the exact realization about make up haha!

anyway, im so happy to hear you're happy! and you look absolutely gorgeous. well, you were always beautiful but you've got that spark back in your eyes that makes a real beauty shine Smile

by Tara Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:50 pm

Hehehehehehe I am so happy your happy too! Smiles are so contagious!
Isn't amazing the difference living healthy and thinking differently makes? The mind is such a powerful thing. It feels fabulous to let those worries float away...<3

It's been officially a week now since I've stopped smoking too...so that's kinda interfering with my healthy eating. It's so hard not to eat like a pig when your trying to quit smoking. But I think I'm finally getting a handle on it.

You look incredibly gorgeous yourself I loved your FB profile pic.
Thank you It's funny I've heard that from others as well, about my eyes having a spark or a light all of a sudden

It's slow and steady going in another area. We are getting to know each other really well. Not a day goes by that we don't talk. It sounds soooooo cheesy but I can feel him starting to really fall for me and vise verse.
He acts like my boyfriend now. Hehe. I really want to hear the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" (I haven't heard them in a long time!) but I know I've got to be patient and just let everything flow naturally. I can't try to rush it. Besides I sense he's been hurt not long ago and it may be scary for him to put a label on anything for fear of losing it...I kinda feel the same way (After all I spent 3 years following "him" around only for him to move away and get engaged). But I know eventually we'll both be truly ready and it'll happen like it always does.
I can see now that it would be just so easy for any girl to take advantage of this one. He is so sweet, naive and trusting. Well lucky for him the universe has paired him with the right chick. I'll never cause him any grief.
At first I found him kind of off putting...he has the driest humor you could ever imagine and he says and does such dorky things But he has so many wonderful qualities (He's a cutie, he's so foolish in a good way and open minded, he kicks ass at the drums and he can play the guitar, he's so sweet and well meaning...etc...) and eventually I found that I could be so comfortable around him and I started loving even his lame humor and his dorkiness...and even his extremely off key singing :p Hehehe. I love the way he just decides to use my leg as a drum every now and then lol...uh oh...yeah I'm totally falling...lol. Oh dear

I just hope that it goes where I want it to go half soon....til then I'll be patient <3 The best things in life are worth waiting for right?

by Natt Sat Mar 31, 2012 3:39 am

Hi honey, excuse me that I read now but earlier I couldn’t. So wonderful that you don’t smoke. Smoking destroying your health and isn’t nice. About relationship, yes be patient. Everything will go to you in good time. How going with him right now?

by Tara Thu Apr 12, 2012 3:28 pm

^Thank you Natt! I have been quit smoking for almost a month and two weeks Now I have more money to spoil myself!
It goes good with him, I am still being pateint. I hope that soon I'll be able to say "my boyfriend" hehe. But you know the longer we get to know each other and the closer we become the better the chance that anything between us will last. Life is good.

Sending out love to you all! I wish I could share my hapiness with everyone

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 6 Love10

From Dark To Light & Back Again - Page 6 Love10

by Krissy Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:04 am

sends you love.

by Natt Mon Apr 16, 2012 8:04 am

you're welcome honey. I believe in you and I hope that everything will be the best for you.

Your heart is so sweet. I love u <3

by Tara Thu May 24, 2012 5:24 am

^Thanks you two <3

I haven't written here in such a long time. I've been busy with a few different jobs and volunteer work. I find the busier I am the happier I am.

I am still quit smoking....it's been over two months (I think) now. I don't even think about it anymore. I can be around people smoking and it doesn't bother me in the least.
The only time I want one is when I am having a few drinks. Then I'll just buy a couple of those "Sweet Tips"; little mini flavored cigars. Then that's the end of it.

So I think I am actually falling in love for the first time in years. It is so hard to give into because of everything that happened with "him". Being in love with him for three years only for him to up and move away. I don't want that to happen again. It scares me.
But I don't think this guy is going to do that. He seems like he is falling for me too. We do so many things together. We hang out all the time. He treats me with respect and spoils me a little sometimes. Tries to fix things around my house LOL. He's such a sweet person. I haven't been so comfortable with someone in a long time. He's becoming my best friend and more.
We just need to make it official...but I think were both afraid to make the first move. I'm scared that if I ask him about it I'll scare him away, and I'm scared if I don't he'll disappear.
He was cuddling with me the other night lol and were talking about something...I can't remember what the whole conversation was about but somehow it led to him saying to me "I tend to keep my feelings inside. I have a hard time expressing them". Was that a hint I wonder? Does that mean "Listen I am chicken shit to tell you how I feel about you out loud"? LOL. It seemed to me like it was. But then again, maybe I am just hearing what I want to hear. Confusing.
When it comes down to it, I guess if asking him if he wants to actually be my boyfriend scares him away then it wasn't meant to be. But I really think he's been put in my life at this time for a reason & If I don't ask him I could lose him. I am just a little scarred and also I've never had to be the one to ask before. The guy has always asked me.
I suppose for right now I'll just keep it the way it is. Let this friendship work it's magic and let us grow closer. They say the longer you are friends with someone first the better chance a relationship will last. Maybe soon a moment will come along and I'll feel like it's the right one and bring it up.

Hope everyone is doing great. I.L.U. <3 Xoxo

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