From Dark To Light & Back Again

Yes, it totally was all in my head. The last few times I've flown I was really not well. I guess all of that mind sickness made flyng into something much worse then it had to be. Now that I am healing, fear doesn't have as much power over me as it did before. I feel so alive almost as if I could do anything...but let's just take it one step at a time
Mimi, something came up and they decided to skip England because it's the longest distance. Were going to Amsterdam tomorrow instead, for a day trip. Then on Monday we'll be going to Paris for four days. It's too bad, I bet we coulda had a fun little date. BUT keep in mind my parents will be living here for two more years so I may still have the opportunity to visit England.
We've been to a lot of places now. We visited castles, we went to France for two days and visited Beaumont Hamel. It's a war memorial dedicaded mostly to Newfoundlanders (People belonging to my little island in the North Atlantic) who fought against the Germans in France back a long time ago (I can't remember the year atm). Pretty much the whole site as dedicated to Newfoundland. 95% of the men died fighting. A very small few survived. They say the Newfoundlander's gave the most in battle. I'm not really pro war or anything...I don't really agree with war. I know that it's impossible to have a world without it but I still don't like it. Anyway, I just think it's really amazing that there is a whole site dedicated to my province in the middle of France.
I've done a lot of shopping here as well. I've got some awesome new clothes and suvineers. There are a lot of different and neat places to shop. I have to say though, out of all the places I've shopped the dollar stores were my favorite. SO much better thean our dollar stores at home. They have all kinds of this really neat shit I'd never be able to find at home. So much stuff with pretty skull designs and some playboy tanks and shorts...and just a whole bunch of neat shit! I didn't have a long time to look this time so I'm going back when we have more time so I can go down every isle and see what else I can discover in there. I looooove shopping
I found this store in the Netherlands and they had two shelves FULL of fairies and unicorns and the like. I wanted one to go with my other fairy in my bedroom. I was lost...I couldn't decide what one I wanted So anyway I finally settled on this beautiful little fairy with a unicorn for her to sit on and I love it!
So, anyway, we also visited a beautiful beach in the Netherlands, went to the zoo, went to different little towns. We went to this one town called ummm...Munchaue, I think. It's this tiny town way down in a valley and it's so old. The houses are all attached and the streets are all cobblestones. Everyone has those big steel door knockers and there's a water wheel (water mill..?? Not sure what they are called. You know...the wheels that have water falling on them and they spin) It was such a cool place. It really gave me this creepy sort of vibe as well. I suppose just because of the odd shape and design of it and the fact that it's an ancient little village.
The other night we had a thunder storm. It was amazing. I've always loved thunder and lightening ever since I was a little kid. We have them once in a while in Newfoundland but they are small and pale in comparison to the one we had here. It was so crazy and loud and beautiful. It went on for hours. I videotaped some of it. I caught these HUGE lightening bolts the video is sick. I have to edit it and maybe I'll try and post it when I'm done. After I stopped taping I lay down with the window open and the sound of the rain with the thunder put me straight into this relaxed state and I had a wonderful sleep.
Well, I need to go to sleep darlings because I have to get up at 5:45AM to go to Amsterdam. I will post a few pics of castles and maybe a few other things here tomorrow. If you want to see all of them (I have two albums of casltes and inside the castles, caves, beaches, animals etc. and have more to put up) you can add me to Facebook! Tara Davis (I'm in the TOL group).
Anyway, bed time for me. Sweet dreams everyone!

Love from Germany,
Tara xoxo

MissTJ wrote:Hey guys!!! I've been here in Germany for about 10 days now.
Thanks for the advice about the flights. I've flown a few times before so I knew what to expect, it's just that I have a terrible fear of it. Anxiety is very powerful. But you know what? I've been kicking it's ass!
On the plane I decided to skip the drugs and handle it on my own. I watched the take off, I looked out the window a lot, I watched the landing and I didn't get sick. I m so fucking proud of myself. I didn't even feel all that nervous this time. It's so strange. It's like ever since I've been trying to change everything for the better I've been able to conquer fears I never thought I could.
We went to the place where the three countires meet (Germany, The Netherlands and Belguim) and we went up in the tower. You can go outside once your at the top but the floor outside is nothing but a steal grate and you can see right down to the ground. I am terrified of heights, but I said fuck it and slowly made my way out. Before I knew it I was half way comfortable walking out there, I even walked up to the highest story alone to take pictures. I am loving the new me! Turning into such a brave girl.

Woot! You should be so proud of yourself. It's hard to kick fear's ass!

Hey!

Well I am finally home. I had great trip. I am very lucky to have the opportunities that I do. I've seen and learned so much and have some wicked new clothes and souvenirs.
I flew back on my own. I never imagined I would ever be able to do that. I had to take three planes and in the second airport I almost got lost and almost broke down crying (lol) but I stayed strong and with a little help I made it to the gate just in time for boarding. I am so proud of myself. I can't believe how much stronger I am getting every day. It feels great.
I will post some pics later. I'm too tired right now and not feeling well.

Well I have made a big decision.
They say "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it was never meant to be."
I'm going to do just that. I'm not going to make contact with "him" anymore. If he contacts me, that's fine. I'm not going to ignore him or anything. He knows I'm always here if he needs me. We had a big chat while I was in Europe. Nothing serious just how my vacation was going and how we both were etc. You know. But after that conversation for some reason I felt like I needed to stay away. I think it's the best thing to do to let my heart heal completely. I can't stand the fact that he is with this girl. It hurts me still. I am glad that he seems to be happy, but, you know the whole situation is still hard for me.
So yeah, I'm staying away. I don't know for how long...maybe a short time, maybe forever. I guess that's all up to the universe now...or higher power...whatever. It's the best thing for me and my trying to heal from my illness right now. This is me setting you free, babe. Part of me will always love you.

Making fear my bitch, one day at a time,
Tara/T.J. <3 Xoxoxoxo

YAYYY!!! hiii! ive misse u a lot
So where exactly did u go then and how did u like Germany?

I know what you mean by letting go. i have done the same and actually.. a really big step for me was deleting his phonenumber from my phone. but i felt better after i had done it! it still sucks a little but one day at a time and eventually i wont even spare a minute of my time for thinking of him.

Ahhh flying alone x___x I had to do that last summer coming back from Virginia. I was TERRIFIED. Not only was I alone, it was my first time flying period XD I had a complete breakdown as my sister was driving me to the airport. Thankfully, everything went pretty smoothly. I did think I was going to get shot at the layover in Detroit -paranoid- I guess it helped calm me a bit that I was sitting by a really hot guy... XD

Anywho, glad you had fun ^__^

Missed you too! My trip was awesome. I went to various places in Germany and The Netherlands. I told you about some of those in the post I wrote while I was away. We also went to Amsterdam...which of course was very interesting. We went to various places in France including Paris where we stayed for four days.
We went to see the Eiffel Tower and I made myself go up. It was soooo high and we were only in the middle. I'm proud of myself for that.
We also went to see The Louvre. If you don't know what that is it's a museum filled with all kinda of amazing things. It's got hundreds of paintings that are ancient...so beautiful. This includes the Mona Lisa.
It's got hundreds of sculptures such as the Venus De Milo and ancient Egyptian artifacts. There's also Napoleon's actual apartments which you can go inside. It's crazy to imagine living in there. His "apartment" is bigger than most people's houses. It is BEAUTIFUL inside though. There is so much more in that museum. You can't see it all in one day. We only had one, though.
I had fun but I am glad to be home to my bed. Even if I am sick Boo!

Good for you Mimi! Yes...it's super hard...I just keep getting flashes of images and words and promises in my mind and it breaks my heart. It feels so wrong. But this is how it's got to be. I just keep praying something will give. One way or another. I don't want to feel this for him anymore.

You flew for your first time alone? Well your brave. I flew a few times before but I was always with someone...which didn't make it any less terrifying. But flying alone to me was like hell...but I made it! And so did you

Me and an ancient (Greek I think) artifact at the Louvre


Me and my 2 year old brother (Noah) and (most of) the Eiffel Tower (It's really hard to get all in frame with a normal camera)

awwww
i guess u get used to flying alone.. i regularly fly about 2-3 times a year now and pretty much always alone and im so used to it now - its boring though.

im glad u had a wonderful time and take care - eat some chicken soup ^^

glad you had a good time

Thanks guys...

Despite how well I've been doing with all the growing and transforming and everything I guess you still have to have days where you feel totally alone.
Maybe the whole letting go of "Him" thing isn't helping me right now. Or the fact that I've been sick since Saturday night and have had a fever for days.
I dunno...I just feel so sad and helpless. Like I have no idea what to do next. Like there is nothing coming to me that I want and deserve. I keep wishing that there is someone up there listening...but lately it doesn't feel that way.
I've been selfish...on here complaining and not bothering to read about anyone else's issues. I just don't have the energy right now. I feel like a shell of myself...

MissTJ wrote:Thanks guys...

Despite how well I've been doing with all the growing and transforming and everything I guess you still have to have days where you feel totally alone.
Maybe the whole letting go of "Him" thing isn't helping me right now. Or the fact that I've been sick since Saturday night and have had a fever for days.
I dunno...I just feel so sad and helpless. Like I have no idea what to do next. Like there is nothing coming to me that I want and deserve. I keep wishing that there is someone up there listening...but lately it doesn't feel that way.
I've been selfish...on here complaining and not bothering to read about anyone else's issues. I just don't have the energy right now. I feel like a shell of myself...

I know exactly how you feel. Even for my age, I have all of these days where I feel alone. My problem is that I keep most of it locked up inside, when I really should be letting it out.
I get random feelings of being sick so I know what its like to be sick for days.
And you're not helpless. Just because you don't know what to do that doesn't make you helpless. And everyone deserves to be happy, so that is something you get. What you want will come to you even in the saddest of times. You'll know what you need and want when the time is right.
And you aren't selfish for complaining. I do it all the time. A blog is a place to speak freely as you wish, thus the point of you're blog. And if you are a shell, then you are the most beautiful shell in the world that just needs to find it's purpose. You are not just any shell, not just empty. You are a shell full of potential and a shell that is full of beauty and grace. A rainbow of awesomeness is in you and you just have to let that rainbow shine like the light of the moon the sun and the stars.
I hope you feel better...
Integrity ♥ Love ♥ Unity
~~ LunaChild

Thank you, sweethearts. Your words always help me along when this darkness comes around.

Unfortunately, I haven't improved much. I've actually gotten worse since my last post. I had a hard day today. My Nan (Grandmother) is very sweet, caring and generous but she can also be very overbearing and irritating at times. Like she will take this spiteful tone of voice with me over nothing. So naturally I get the same tone back. I try not to but I guess it's just a natural defense mechanism and it's hard to control. Anyway, that starts arguments because each of us then feels like the other is being mean for no reason.

Then there's this trait that she has (Her brother has it too) where she seems to think that she's right about EVERYTHING. They are stubborn and their opinion about something is that and that's it, you know. To try and convince them otherwise, even when you KNOW they are wrong just turns into a fight.

Then the other thing that really has been driving me crazy; if I state a fact I know to be true or something even about myself or my life or one of my friends often she'll brush it off and go "Oh, go on" (In other words don't be so foolish) or "Give me a break". So you can see how I can get frustrated with her.

Anyway, I've been feeling sad the past few days and the whole day with her today was pretty much an argument about this and that. So myself and a whole bunch of my family were eating dinner together when I asked her a question and she answered me in this angered tone like she was talking to a 4 year old "I am eating my supper". Right in front of everyone. It made me feel so singled out and it just pushed me past my breaking point. I just got up and left the table and ran into the furnace room and hid away in the corner and sobbed uncontrollably for a good solid hour or more. It seems so infantile I know to run and hide away like that, I mean I'm just about halfway to 30 years old, but I just needed to be alone and I didn't want to explode in front of everyone like I used to before I started to get better.

Then I found myself crying for "him". It's pathetic. I know I just made the decision to let go and not contact him because I needed space from that. And I didn't, still. But I wanted him so bad at that moment I literally ached. I guess that's where the term "heartache" comes from.

I know why, I think. I have been doing amazing lately with controlling the bipolar, anxiety and depression. I haven't had a meltdown like that in 6 months or more. Every time it would happen in the past I'd run right to him and he'd make it better. But now, here I was, all alone on this rock having a breakdown while he's miles and miles away. It hurt so much.

Although it makes me realize that I can't rely on other people to comfort me every time I'm in the dark. No matter who it is, they won't always be there. When it comes down to it, I can't count on anyone but me to make me feel better. I have to be strong and not let it take me over again.

I'm crying again now...but maybe that's a good thing. The more I cry the more steam I will blow off and the less likely I am to explode in the future.

As for Nan...when I calmed down enough to be able to speak I gave her a kiss and she said "I love you, you know" which in our way means "I'm sorry". I've got to try harder to tolerate her. She's an old woman who is set in her ways. She could be gone tomorrow, she could have years left. Might as well try to keep them as positive as I can.

Anyway, I have a watermelon in the fridge I'm going to divide and pig out on.
The next couple months aren't going to be easy but I'm going to fight. I'm NEVER letting this sickness get the best of me again.

Love to everyone,
Tara Xoxo <3

P.s. My little cousin did the sweetest thing today while this was going on. Sometime after supper my little 2 year old brother and my 5 year old cousin were looking for me. My little bro found me first and he came in and hugged me and kept looking at me with this sad look on his face. Then my little cousin comes in after him and says "Are you ok, Tara?" and all I could do was nod (because I was just in that state where the tears are constantly flowing and you can't speak without breaking down more and I didn't want to upset the kids) and I put my head on her and she started to stroke my hair and she said "It's ok. I know what it's like to be stressed out at times".
What little darlings. How amazing is that for a 5 year old to be so intelligent and mature. She's an amazing little girl.

Tara.. you're never alone! we all feel like that at times but there is always someone - even if the person u can count on is yourself!
i know what heartache feels like and for me, its been over 6 months now and i still sometimes think and hurt a little but im definitely much much MUCH better and i sometimes wonder when ill meet someone new.
but u know what.. this is going to be really blunt but hopefully it will help u because you're hearing this from another person. you CAN'T be together. and u said that every time you were stressed u went to him and he made you feel better - isn't him the reason why you're feeling stressed out now, most of the times anyway?
if a person only causes u sadness then they are not meant to be in your life anymore. its like an expired milk carton - you wouldnt drink that would you?
you are so beautiful and intelligent and strong - there is someone out there who actually deserves you the way you are, dont make it harder for them to find u by closing up over a person from the past.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THAT! <3

<3 Thanks.
I know I can't be with him. A little piece of me doesn't want to believe it but I keep pushing it back over and over again because I know it's just a silly little bit of false hope.
I was doing so great with not thinking about him for a long time. I don't understand why I'm doing it again.
I know one thing is for sure. He came into my life at a point when I really needed him, he was amazing and he was like my angel. He helped me through so much but now he's gone. That time is over. It's a sign that I'm strong enough now to go on without him. I just need to get out of this fog I've been in the past couple of weeks.
When you have bipolar, you'll never truly heal. There will always be times that I feel down like this, but I know I can get through them without depending fully on another person to pull me out. I guess I need time to adjust to all this change.
I just hope that my highs last a lot longer then my lows...

Good luck!! I know you'll make it through. You're strong. You can do it!

Thank you <3

I'm still not out of here...wherever I am. I am sooooo irritable and sad. I feel bad because I've been snapping at people and even the poor kitties.
It's just so hard to control lashing out when I feel like this.
It's like every little thing pisses me off so much I just want to scream and tear the shit out of everyone and everything in my path.
It feels like a huge step backwards. I haven't been this way in so long. I was doing amazingly well.
Also, right now, ever since I pinched a nerve in my arm while taking care of my friend post surgery and her kids, the littlest strain makes me pinch one again. Both of my arms have a pinched nerve atm. One worse then the other. It's so hard to moved it upwards and back and fourth.
I've been attempting some new crafts and things to distract me until it goes away. I suppose when I get right what I am trying to do I should post it.
Anyway...enough moping for one night. I guess I should go to sleep.

Night, night

im sorry for your loss

Thank you...

I have to write about this...thing...that I was just told. I wish I hadn't been told...I feel sick to my stomach.
I guess I'll start off by saying that I've made it a point in my life to not attend wakes or funerals. It might seem like a rude thing to do to some people, but when I explain why you'll see it from my point of view.
Ever since a few years ago when my friend's brother committed suicide and I went to his wake w/ my best friend (my friend's ex) I decided I'd never go to one again.
Every time someone mentions this guy's name now, all I can picture is him lying there in that coffin...looking all caked with make up. He was the first dead person I had ever seen and honestly I think it may have traumatized me a little. I don't know why I can't picture him alive when he comes to mind...only lying there like that and I hate it so much.
Anyway, I decided then and there I wouldn't have any part of it any more.
I want to remember people as they were. Alive, full of personality, full of light. I can't bear to remember anyone else in that horrible way. In fact, I can't bear to see family like that. With my disorder...it's just an ongoing torture...it bears no closure for me...and it lays nothing to rest. I just simply can't fucking do it. That's it.
Well, getting to my point, as you can see in my last post I lost someone very dear to me. I am not attending my cousin's wake(s) or funeral. I don't want to see him there like that and ruin all of the wonderful memories I have of him.
My brother was at his wake today and told my mother that Mike's (my cousin's) twin brother was acting really strange. These two were very into wrestling and were always foolin' around wrestling each other as well. So here is my other cousin, his brother, at the wake poking him and other weird things and saying "This would be a great time to get him in a choke-hold".
I don't know why my mother saw fit to tell me this but my stomach rolled and churned and I got stabbing pains in my gut just at the thought of Kris behaving this way at this time. If I had gone and witnessed that I think I may have lost consciousness at the very sight of it.
I know that sometimes when people lose someone suddenly and so young like that they can have very weird reactions. I know that this is the only way his brain is capable of processing this right now, but omg it turns my stomach. I hope he'll be ok...poor, poor guy.
Fuck...I can't handle stuff like this...I just can't. All I can do is avoid the whole thing and send out my messages of "I love you's" and everything. I just hope they don't look down on me for not going. I can't see people I love like that I just can't. It does nothing but ruin the memories I have of them and drive me insane. I can't do it...

To make it even better, "he" messaged me the other day...asked me "which mike passed away" and "how was the trip"...I didn't answer...

I'm so sorry for your loss!
I understand you don't want to see people dead, and so should everybody else. No one should force you to see things you don't want to, no matter how rude it would seem to them. And if someone asks why, just tell them what you told here; you want to remember them when they were alive :)
I have seen three relatives dead: my mother's father, my cousin and my dad's mother. I told about my feelings about my grandmother's death in a different thread, so I won't tell it again... My sister didn't want to see her, when she was asked. She told me she wouldn't have wanted to see granddad, either, but it was so sudden and we got no warning that we were going to see him. I looked at him from one meter away. He looked like he was just sleeping. So, I wasn't shaken.
I went to see my cousin's body as well, when most stayed away. Maybe to see if seeing dead people would upset me? I didn't go too close, because my aunt was there and she was devastated. I thought it would be polite to keep a distance. I saw him still. Again, sleeping. Sure, he looked awful because he had withered away by his diabetes, but he looked peaceful. So, I wasn't shaken.
And my grandmother... I have felt so bad ever since she passed away, because I wanted to see her so badly, but we didn't make it in time. That's why I HAD to see her body. So I could see for myself. So I could see her for the last time, even though she couldn't see us anymore. Sleeping peacefully. And I wasn't shaken.
So, dead people don't affect me in any way. Maybe I don't think about it that much, or maybe I'm stupid, or maybe I'm not that sensitive... Like you.

I still see my grandmother in my dreams. She usually hugs me :')

"This would be a great time to get him in a choke-hold". I'm extremely sorry if I offend you, but this is funny to me! Good one. Kris is very bright :) He has a macabre sense of humor. So do I, but I understand if it makes you feel bad. Comedy helps deal with great sadness, this I have heard many times. So don't go thinking there's something wrong with the boy. He's just as sad as anyone else. He might be putting up a show to make everyone think he's doing fine, that he's a big tough guy, but he'll be crying when he's alone.

So you deal with things however you see fit. If it means not going to the funeral, then it's fine. Just remember to say goodbye in your own way, then :)

^Forace - I had a very similar dream about my grandfather after he died. Only difference is I had a goodbye with him. He was in the ICU and everyone was taking turns visiting him. He didn't open his eyes or make much reaction when they came in and tried to talk to him. Then my step Mom took me in and I said "Hi, Poppy" and his eyes flew open and he used all his energy trying to grasp my hand. It's something I'll never forget. Then after he passed a couple days later I was like I am now. No reaction whatsoever. No tears or anything.
Of course I was thinking about him and if souls really exist, etc. all the time. Then a couple weeks later I had this dream where he came out of light...there was just light everywhere and he hugged me and squeezed me tight. Then I woke up. I felt comforted by it. I know it could have just been my mind's way of dealing with my first death, but I'd like to think that it was him telling me he was alright.

So yeah, it's the same with Mike...even though his death was so unexpected and so sudden (He was 27) I have no reaction. There was no reaction when I found out either. Maybe it's my brain shutting down in that area so I can deal with it, I dunno. I feel bad for not crying or getting upset.

No offense taken. I appreciate all points of view. I have looked at Kris' reaction from all angles. It did bother me a little at first but then I got to thinking that if Mike could see him saying that he'd probably crack up laughing. I just hope he'll be alright. Twins are so close and it must be that much harder to lose your twin brother then a non twin brother.

The funeral and what not is all over now, he's been cremated. I'm not sure what they intend to do with the ashes...

I'm still stuck in this little depressed stage. Everything just seems so pointless and sad to me. I've been like it for a while now and it's starting to worry me. Usually it'll last a week or two and then be gone but it's been months.
I guess I've had a bit of stress with my cousins death and my mother and brother being here...trying to balance family and friends...I dunno. Something just doesn't feel right. Something is missing.

Anyway, I have a headache...maybe a bubble bath and then snuggle in my bed (by myself ) and watch some of Beetlejuice (the cartoon). I effin loved that show as a kid...still do.

Have a good night whoever is reading this...xoxo

I had dreams of my grandmother afther she died too.They were happy dreams.

Snakes can be so so cute haha ^^ My friend has BIG yellow snake and he is totally adorable, always curling to my friends hair

I loooove snakes <3 She's cute!

Ty guys. I can't wait for her to reach her full size.

Yay orange snake! Yay!!!!! She's so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

I can put myself in your place for some of your problems, my family bitches to me all the time about really horrible things and put's all sorts of stuff on me. Like if someone (My siblings) do something messed up they will take it out on me and really I iwsh they could refocus their energy on the real problem. Everyone has issues and I'm glas your with us expressing how you feel!

BTW: My English isn't too good!

love the picture

The pictures are beautiful, Tara!
I definitely want to visit Canada one day and see all the little provinces too, not just the capital.

U know, with every post i read by you, i can see how much stronger you're getting. you're a supergirl!

wonderuf photos.
you are amazing <3

So...I am pumped! My uncle gave me a ski machine and an exercise bike. So now along with my yoga stuff and my little weights I pretty much have a home gym. Started on the bike last night for 30 minutes, tonight I'll do 45 minutes and the next night I'll do an hour. Work my way up.
It'll be so much easier to reach my goal now! Yay!

...and now I think I'll go have some vegetarian sushi for supper Mmmm.

Check this guy out. I found him in Germany. Can you say best rubber duck EVER?

I'm so sorry that it was lonely weekend for you.
Please, don't be sad. You are wonderful person. You don't deserve to be sad, honey.
Honey, I think that you will all your life remember him, he was valid part of your live but with time will better.
I believe in you.

honey, I'll read tomorrow, ok??
now I go to sleep///

that's a nice idea for a tattoo!

i think i know what im getting next, its gonna be tiny.

the room looks cool in my head from what you described.. BUT.. do you think its good to surround yourself with so much black?

Hmm, I can see how it sounds pretty dark when I describe it. There IS a lot of black, but with the pinkish/beige carpet, the pale beige walls and all the other color everywhere it looks great. Very colorful and...I dunno how to describe it. You'll see
I've been trying to find a black vanity forever and can't find one, so I took my old computer desk and I'm going to turn that into one (since it was drawers and it's small). Then I drug out this old computer desk I had lying around...going to paint and mac tac that one for the computer.
Can't wait

Aww, you also have new nick name.. I love your name.
It so good that you aren't really sad. You should follow the most important things in your life with valid person for you. It good that you makes your own apartement. Really, I wanna see it so much.
Wonderful idea about tattoo

<3 Thanks. Tara is my real name T.J. is my nickname (Stands for Tara Jean) I never used to when I was younger but I must say I love my name now

I'm proud of you that you love your name