OwlWing's Blog

I have been twelve days self harm free as of yesterday. The longest I had gone was eleven days, and if I make it through today (which I should), I'll be at 13 days! One thing I've been doing, is every day I go without self harming, I add one bead to a bracelet I'm making just for my self harm. But if I self harm, I have to take all the beads off and start over- because of that, I'm encouraged to go without self harm. I think it's helping a lot!

So, I deal with very high levels of anxiety as you could probably tell. And this makes me sounds tupid, but one of the big sources of it recently has been a school project I have due soon... It involves doing a performance, and that mixed with some other stuff going on has been making me wish I was dead. I told my mom that and she told me to see the school psychologist because she thought maybe they'd be able to work something out with the project, if it was contributing to that much stress... I talked to the school psych first thing in the morning and was immediately sent home after being talked to. I wasn't allowed back to school until I got clearance from my psychiatrist. I did and went back today. My meds were adjusted and everything, but seeing him yesterday really just added to the stress I'm facing...
Basically, ever since I first started seeing this doctor, I never felt I got along with him. He doesn't seem to understand anything, he doesn't seem to even care, he basically just fills my prescriptions. He doesn't give advice. the only reason I had been doing slightly better was due to the meds he prescribed, he never said anything helpful... And I hadn't been to his office in a while, and just... Last night's visit really confirmed everything I thought about him and made me feel more hopeless. Because he made me feel like I was a whiny over-reacting teen. He doesn't say any of this directly, but it's just the general... impression he gives off, and it comes off really strong. So that's been adding to the stress. I had only kept seeing him because he was all my parents could afford. Luckily last night my mother caved and said we'll try and find someone else. But last night's appointment, his upping of my medication dosage, and so many other things are just really killing me. I have this guilt and I just... I honestly don't know anymore.
Anytime I've gone for help in the past- no matter what method it was (therapy, helplines, help forums, etc), it's only made things worse. People say that things in recovery can get worse before they're better, but I know that's not been the case for me. It's been that people just don't understand and only make me feel worse.
Another example of people making me feel worse. I love my father, but he's just so insensitive in the case of my mental health.... He supposedly went through just about all I have, yet he's so judgmental of how hard it is for me to speak up, to deal with all this. I'm just reaaallly lost.