Irae's life/blog

I'm so sorry :<
I don't know much about military, least of all navy, but it changes people... My fiancé did his army training a year or two before he met me, so I don't know how he was before it. But he has always been really nice, he has never hit me or even shouted at me, even when he was extremely mad at me (he said he didn't want me anymore, but he was drunk then. It was all fine the next day O_o). So mood swings, I'm familiar with them. He all happy and stuff when sober, but he can get suicidal and mean when drunk. It all depends on what kind of a day it has been for him, and if I've been nagging about something xD

So your fiancé is just running errands all day? What kind of errands? So he's not... seeing anyone else? :<

But you should never stay in a relationship that makes you sad. And lonely. It's not a proper relationship, then... Like with my parents, my dad always was the tyrant and the rest of the family followed. Mom was like a servant to him. They never cleaned together, cooked together, went for a walk or anything... Finally my mom had had enough, and she left him. I was probably 16 or something. And my little sister 14.

I hope your fiancé isn't violent, because that's when you REALLY need to get away from him :/ If he ever hits you, that's when you should wake up and leave him before something really bad happens... He is in the military after all, so he must be strong, and maybe even know some moves. Heh.

My dad once beat my mom pretty bad... Then he left her on the side of the road, and she had to walk to a hospital herself... She told me this a couple of years ago. At that time, of course I didn't notice anything. They were very good at hiding their fights.

So, umm... for now, just try to let him know how this feels like to you? Carefully, if he has a bad temper... Maybe he's just really busy, and it's stressing him, and he trusts that you'll be patient... Still, no reason to get it out on you. It's good that he invites you to come along, that means he hasn't totally forgotten about you. I guess :)

I have some kind of anxiety disorder as well. I get panic attacks if I have to go somewhere alone. Like now I should be going to the store, but I'm procrastinating :D I'm afraid of people, big crowds especially. I don't like to go to parties, unless there are my friends ONLY :)

Agreeing with Forace, you should be happy in a relationship not sad and lonely.
I have anxiety issues too, I can't seem to be myself in public because I worry of what people will think. I hate travelling alone, not long ago I took the bus by myself and panic to death because there was no one with me and I feared that I might get off the wrong stop.

thanks you guys yeah I tend to be the same way I mean going to wal mart by myself is fine I know alot of people there cause I used to work there but yeah no parties unless I know everyone

I'm not always sad just at times todays has been pretty good so far hes cooking lunch right now and we cleaned the house together and hes been back to his playful self so I think he knows

and no I know he isnt seeing anyone else he usuallly only goes to his parents cause i get texts from his sister or moms phone all the time or mine if he is borrowing my phone (only when my best friend is with me)

Aww. I'm sorry. Have you discussed this with him? And like Forace said, I really hope he isn't violent towards you. I agree with everyone else; Your relationship should make you happy more often than it makes you sad.

& I have panic attacks, too. :/

catloafwithpotato wrote:Aww. I'm sorry. Have you discussed this with him? And like Forace said, I really hope he isn't violent towards you. I agree with everyone else; Your relationship should make you happy more often than it makes you sad.

& I have panic attacks, too. :/

he's like talking to a wall sometimes... I miss the man I feel in love with last april I will try talking to him when he gets home he took off in moms car to put in an applictaion and once again forgot I wanted to go -.- again left to my own devices.....

He cooked lunch?! My fiancé never does that xD The only thing he cooks, is noodles... He just has to boil the water in an electric kettle and mix it all, so it's easy enough for him :DD So I'm always the one who cooks, I can make pretty much anything if I have the instructions and ingredients. He just needs some practice :3
Plus I always clean alone. Ooh, this sounds like the situation with my parents, you may think! You're wrong, because my fiancé feels really bad for not helping me. Dad didn't. Also, we're both very laid-back and lazy, so a little dirt doesn't bother us. And we're very slow, it takes several days to do something :D
We have these plans about doing a spring cleaning together, we'll see if it ever happens :D
My fiancé has said that he wants to learn how to cook. But computer games somehow are more interesting to him. And I understand, I'm a gamer myself. I'd like to play games all day as well! But someone has to do at least SOME cleaning around here :D

So, we don't fight about those things. The only thing we sometimes fight about, is music. Because he listens to black/death/doom metal and punk and all sorts of music that mostly sound like a circular saw... And I really really don't want to hear it, so I get angry at him and he gets sad because "he can't listen to music" :< That's why be bought the goddamn headphones! :D He can listen to ANYTHING he wants, as long as I don't hear it. At all. I want to listen to Kerli and Emilie Autumn! And I NEVER listen to them in his presence. Because I know he won't like them, so I don't force him to listen. Why must he force me to listen to his music? It really boggles my mind :/ And all his friends are like "durr, what a mean bitch, she doesn't let you listen to music" O_o Wtf.
There are very few bands I like, and I'm not that open to new music. I don't like to learn to listen to a new band. Least of all those bands, that sound really disgusting.

Um, yeah... My problems are really small compared to everyone else's. But my fiancé is a musical person, and music has always been the most important thing in his life, and now I'm there saying "I don't like it, turn it off". He may very well leave me because of this :/

Men are like walls sometimes xD When they have something in their mind, there's really no getting through to them. Usually I have to wait a while until he asks "did you say something?" and repeat myself -_-
I'm pretty sure your fiancé won't be like this forever. Now he'll finish his errands and figure out what he wants to do now that he's a civilian. He'll have more time for you after that. If not, no reason to be in an unhappy relationship :<

Forace wrote:He cooked lunch?! My fiancé never does that xD The only thing he cooks, is noodles... He just has to boil the water in an electric kettle and mix it all, so it's easy enough for him :DD So I'm always the one who cooks, I can make pretty much anything if I have the instructions and ingredients. He just needs some practice :3
Plus I always clean alone. Ooh, this sounds like the situation with my parents, you may think! You're wrong, because my fiancé feels really bad for not helping me. Dad didn't. Also, we're both very laid-back and lazy, so a little dirt doesn't bother us. And we're very slow, it takes several days to do something
We have these plans about doing a spring cleaning together, we'll see if it ever happens
My fiancé has said that he wants to learn how to cook. But computer games somehow are more interesting to him. And I understand, I'm a gamer myself. I'd like to play games all day as well! But someone has to do at least SOME cleaning around here

So, we don't fight about those things. The only thing we sometimes fight about, is music. Because he listens to black/death/doom metal and punk and all sorts of music that mostly sound like a circular saw... And I really really don't want to hear it, so I get angry at him and he gets sad because "he can't listen to music" :< That's why be bought the goddamn headphones! He can listen to ANYTHING he wants, as long as I don't hear it. At all. I want to listen to Kerli and Emilie Autumn! And I NEVER listen to them in his presence. Because I know he won't like them, so I don't force him to listen. Why must he force me to listen to his music? It really boggles my mind :/ And all his friends are like "durr, what a mean bitch, she doesn't let you listen to music" O_o Wtf.
There are very few bands I like, and I'm not that open to new music. I don't like to learn to listen to a new band. Least of all those bands, that sound really disgusting.

Um, yeah... My problems are really small compared to everyone else's. But my fiancé is a musical person, and music has always been the most important thing in his life, and now I'm there saying "I don't like it, turn it off". He may very well leave me because of this :/

Men are like walls sometimes xD When they have something in their mind, there's really no getting through to them. Usually I have to wait a while until he asks "did you say something?" and repeat myself -_-
I'm pretty sure your fiancé won't be like this forever. Now he'll finish his errands and figure out what he wants to do now that he's a civilian. He'll have more time for you after that. If not, no reason to be in an unhappy relationship :<

hahaha you sound alot like me xD me and him hardly fight about music though he likes emilie autumn as much as I do sadly he doesnt like kerli :< but all in all we listen to about the same music while he is more metallica,pantera, coheed and ccambria (all bands I love ) I'm more for kerli,Emilie autumn, Dresden dolls,voltaire and such depends on my mood the three day drive home we about killed each other (california-kentucky) he played metallica over and over and over and when it wasnt that he played coheed over and over and over oh~~!!!!! I about jumped out of the damned truck >.< I finally ethier stole my i-pod back or just turned on my ds/ (pokemon black anyone?) yeah <.< ;; I still play but Idk thats how I am it entertains me >.< maybe if they would be nice to put a silent hill game on ds >.<;; sorry got off topic but yeah

no we are doing fine right now the boy just needs a job he can't not have anything to do he goes nuts yesterday he was happy cause he cleaned the kitchen but

YES!!! he does cook and GOOD! when he first went to the navy he was orginally a cheif :p I love his pineapple fried rice and chicken parm! >.<;; I drool he cooks the dinner I do the desert im slowly making him fat lol

but no the only thing we really fight about is his attitude towards things sometimes and his slight anger problems nothing to bad

Our (me and my fiancé's) taste in music is similar, too. We both love Metallica and Pantera as well :D I've also learned to listen some bands because of him. Like Root, Macabre, Dornenreich, Cannibal Corpse, The Shining, maybe even Immortal... But I really hate bands like Cradle of Filth and Gorgoroth :X I have nothing against the music, it's the "singing" that I can't stand. I just don't like listening to people screaming :D
And on the other hand, I'd much rather like those bands than... like, Justin Bieber and all those... unimportant pop sensations.

I have played Kerli to my fiancé. I guess he was a bit interested, because I liked it, so he wanted to hear what it is. He admits Kerli can sing, but he doesn't like the music. Pretty much all he says is "I know this song, it's from this and that artist/from that movie...". Then I say "I can/can't hear the similarities..." :D
His hearing is out of this world. It's like, he remembers all the songs he has ever heard and he only needs to hear a song once and he can play it with a guitar. Okay, maybe I exaggerated, but not much! :D

I love Pokemons as well xD I haven't played the DS games, though. I had Pokemon Red and Silver for GameBoyColor, but I sold them to a friend. Ooh, Silent Hill on DS would be interesting! :O Waa, so many games I want! ;_;

Maybe your fiancé could get a job at a restaurant? :D
My fiancé has gained weight as well x) He was super skinny when he was a teen (depression). A friend of his, who had last seen him during that skinny period, a couple of years ago said to him "you have an ass!" :DD Apparently my cooking is good in his opinion ^^

I'm happy things are better now :3

Forace wrote:Our (me and my fiancé's) taste in music is similar, too. We both love Metallica and Pantera as well I've also learned to listen some bands because of him. Like Root, Macabre, Dornenreich, Cannibal Corpse, The Shining, maybe even Immortal... But I really hate bands like Cradle of Filth and Gorgoroth :X I have nothing against the music, it's the "singing" that I can't stand. I just don't like listening to people screaming
And on the other hand, I'd much rather like those bands than... like, Justin Bieber and all those... unimportant pop sensations.

I have played Kerli to my fiancé. I guess he was a bit interested, because I liked it, so he wanted to hear what it is. He admits Kerli can sing, but he doesn't like the music. Pretty much all he says is "I know this song, it's from this and that artist/from that movie...". Then I say "I can/can't hear the similarities..."
His hearing is out of this world. It's like, he remembers all the songs he has ever heard and he only needs to hear a song once and he can play it with a guitar. Okay, maybe I exaggerated, but not much!

I love Pokemons as well xD I haven't played the DS games, though. I had Pokemon Red and Silver for GameBoyColor, but I sold them to a friend. Ooh, Silent Hill on DS would be interesting! :O Waa, so many games I want! ;_;

Maybe your fiancé could get a job at a restaurant?
My fiancé has gained weight as well x) He was super skinny when he was a teen (depression). A friend of his, who had last seen him during that skinny period, a couple of years ago said to him "you have an ass!" :DD Apparently my cooking is good in his opinion ^^

I'm happy things are better now :3

haha Im the same so many games I want but no money >.<
I have been hinting at mom about silent hill shattered memories since my birthday is about a month away if she got me that I would be happy end of story (I love scary things!!! ) no clue why o.o just do x) I am very odd haha the ones on the ds arent that bad but I prefer soul silver/heart gold and black/white lol but yeah

I have a hard time to get him to like kerli oh well xP I like cradle of filth but only like one song "nymphetamine" other then that you'll find in my music many things x_x;; a little rock a little pop and a little rap (mostly eminem) lol but yeah thats about it

he doesnt work at a resturant -.-;; hell at this point I would take mcdonalds!!! blech... but yeah im desperate at this point in time lol

but yeah he may be getting one here soon I hope >.<


as for me I can keep myself entertained I have alot of acre's to just walk around and a tree to sit under and read a swing to read on continue to learn needle tatting, and crochet, drawings to continue

haha my finace being silly he was picking on me cause I ate all my white fudge pretzels xP I told him I had enough for us to get ice cream somewhere
off topic sorry!! I just enjoy talking to people and yeah

I have really bad anxiety too. For all my life and it's only recently that I'm starting to overcome it. For the longest time if someone I didn't know said something to me I'd just be speechless like I didn't know what to say or that it would come out wrong. And going out in public a lot...forget it. I used my friend's and family as a type of security blanket. Couldn't go anywhere without them. But recently I realized I couldn't live like it anymore, so little by little, started to take risks. Doing things that normally would scare the shit out of me. It works I am MUCH better alone with someone I don't know very well, or going out shopping by myself once in a while, or going to a party when I don't know many people. I'm even flying to Germany by myself in a couple months (I am TERRIFIED of planes and terrified I'll get lost in airports). Face your fears, little by little, it's the only way to get over it. You'll be happy if you do

Sooo....Wow It has been awhile since I have been on here or posted anything.... Alot has happened to me and not much of it any good im kind of numb and confused at the moment I just took off on the man I loved cause I just could not take the emotional abuse anymore...he pretty much abandoned me... left me alone in a trailer sicker then a dog and with hardly any food in the house....ended up in the hospital and he never came... did not contact me for nearly 48 hours.....so mom told me to just come on home.... ditch him he's not worth it...and she's right he's not...he came back to the house tonight and found me gone.... now he is hunting me down relentlessly...and it is both heartbreaking and scary...cause for ten years this man is all I have EVER known..but he is not the boy I fell in love with ten years ago... nor is he the man that asked me to marry him a year ago....he's become cruel, selfish .... and just...horrible....so I left before it got anyworse... I cried when he came to the door at moms house.. and literally had a break down.. mom understands thankfully how hard it is on me...she went through the same thing in 2007 with her last husband...but her paitence paid off she now has a very sweet guy who barely knows me but is looking out for me as if I was his own and it makes me cry but I know I can make it through this... it is very hard but I will make it... I will find someone who loves me truely and would never hurt me in anyway like moms guy <3 for the time being it's time for a new beging I am going to go back to school in the fall and most likely major in art..maybe writing? follow my passions... take it easy and rebiuld myself and get back to the girl everyone loved I miss the girl I used to be it will take sometime but I will find her again... it will take alot of theraphy to re-program me ... he has me so... mentally screwed up :< but I can do this <3 [i]

I'm sorry you had to experience something like this. But I'm sure that things will get better now, your relationship wasn't really... ideal :/ It's good you see this, are rational about this, and determined to move on. You'll probably heal faster than you expect.
If he tries to get you back, don't believe him... He'll probably never change, no matter how much he promises. It's better to stay away than to give another chance and get burned again, you know?

It's great you came back here, we will help you as much as we can :)

Wow....what a story!!! i'm speechless....!!i don't know you, but i read about you..I so agree with Forace! First of all, he'll probably say ANYTHING just to get you back. You shouldn't listen to him, you always keep in mind the girl you used to be, the girl you want to be again. You are too young to lose yourself now. You set goals, and achieve them. You're so much better than that, than him. I'm really happy for you, and glad that your mom is so understanding, and her partner is so good. Things will be so good from now on..Wish you the best!!

Forace wrote:I'm sorry you had to experience something like this. But I'm sure that things will get better now, your relationship wasn't really... ideal :/ It's good you see this, are rational about this, and determined to move on. You'll probably heal faster than you expect.
If he tries to get you back, don't believe him... He'll probably never change, no matter how much he promises. It's better to stay away than to give another chance and get burned again, you know?

It's great you came back here, we will help you as much as we can

I remember the last time I posted about my problems with him you were there yeah it still hurts though he's already given up on finding me which only proves more that he must not have really cared for me...just someone to keep the other half of the bed warm and .... other things for him -.-;; yeah I will move on there is a guy that really wants to be with me but I told him I want to take it slow and not get into anything just yet mom is estatic and wants him to come to dinner when he is avaliable to (he works nights) he's been a friend for awhile lol but thank you
and I am glad to be back things just got so out of hand and I ended up in the hospital for a major breakdown so I stopped coming online for a time I figure now would be a good time to come back on here again thank you <3

@Mile86: thank you and yes her boyfriend is incredible and he's been so helpful and he's also wonderful to my little brother and the entire family if only I could find a guy like him <3 mom has gone through what I am going through so she knows how hard it is to just let go and go on it's all I can do especially if he has given up already on me so it's not worth the mental tourture and anguish and the hurt and constant fights and him breaking stuff that means the world to me (mythology book) and always taking never giving back yeah .... your right I can do better thank you for the encouragement guys I could really use it and I knew I could get it from here <3

[i]Jan/23/2012

Well....I'm am holding on. It's hard..cause I loved him and still do but everyday I keep in mind all the crap he has done to me this past year and it makes it easier...I just try to keep myself busy with my art and when I feel down I listen to upbeat music (dance/pop) anything that will lift my spirits with the ocasional "screw you song" decdicated to him that helps me vent with out...well...going nuts.. I have my first theraphy appoiment this wensday so I'm looking foward to that
Tonight was a good night I got to cook dinner for mom and her boyfriend and my best friend =) it was a night full of lots of laughs and awkward dinner conversations I hope to find a guy like mom's dan....he's a sweet guy smart and just so loveable haha someday I will just got to heal emotionally first <3 my oldest best friend found out what happened shes happy to have a single buddy to take a dating break with her she got me into a new artist she knows what I tend to like (though I listen to a little bit of everything ) my buddy joey has been keeping an eye out for me ..it would be nice if he was in the same state he's such a good friend and ever since me and him have been talking has always known how to make me giggle and smile he's always looked out for me LOL! other then that I eat lunch at my grandparents everyday mamaw made me a sandwhich today it tasted like the ones you can get at fazolli's (Anybody know what I'm talking about??) Hmmmm....what else is there to say.... in a few weeks when taxes come in mom is going to get me a new i-pod since dummy took mine (ex) and we are going to re-do my room I Can't wait me and natalie have been working on plans to make it an awesome room XD lol I love being creative so im super excited I know at least 3 walls are going to be like a gold/tan color and the wall with my bed will be a navy-ish blue

I guess that s about it for now

It's great you have your family and friends to help you, and that you're keeping yourself busy ^^ I'm sure you'll be fine after a while. Things will get easier.
Any chance of showing pictures of the room after re-doing it? :3 Or even before and after pictures! Hehe, I wish I could re-decorate our place ^^

Forace wrote:It's great you have your family and friends to help you, and that you're keeping yourself busy ^^ I'm sure you'll be fine after a while. Things will get easier.
Any chance of showing pictures of the room after re-doing it? :3 Or even before and after pictures! Hehe, I wish I could re-decorate our place ^^

I can probably show you after pics my rooms a wreck right now though and it's bright...sea-foam x.x;;; with bits of sponge bob boarder (it used to be my brothers room ) but for my health mom had us switch rooms cause the room I was in was like a dungeon and was making me all depressed and crap and my hives were always out of control as soon as I moved up there I perked up and the hives let up a bit

1/27/2012

[i] You Know Just when I think I'm safe from him and he has given up all hope of finding me .......I'm proved wrong... I log onto facebook this morning only to see his stupidity has hit a new level....he Made a second account and tried adding me ...... I mean seriously? what the crap?!?! can he not take a freakin hint!!! I WANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM ANYMORE!!! especially after my thearphy appointment wensday when I was given a packet on abusive relationships and about 99% of the stuff on there is what I went through with him and what he put me through so I had to come to the awful truth that I was in an abusive relationship......so now that I have come face to face with that ugly truth I am more determined then EVER to get the hell away from him... and I have succeded for the most part if he would quit hounding me on facebook with a second account or having dummy tiffany emailing me form her bf's account.... I'm slowly turning into a huge cold hearted B---- and at this point I think I kind of the right to be sorry ...... and if as that second account was not bad enough I went to wal-mart with mom and RAN INTO HIS PARENTS =.=;; the fun ensues lucklily they did not really do anything his dad just smiled and waved at me... then again I think they understand the situation for in november when he pulled a knife on my throat his mom was deeply ticked off at him and told me to leave his sorry butt if he could not treat me any better and his dad yelled at him asking what the heck was wrong with him he did not raise him or his brother to hit women or lie to them or any of the other crap he's pulled so they probably don't hold any grudge against me (thankfully ) they know what a sleeze their son actually IS -sighs- but putting that aside now (SORRY GUYS NEEDED TO LET IT OUT!) it was a pretty good day... I got called pretty today at the store by a former co-worker she asked how I had been and I told her "better now that I've lost 200 ponds of worthless stupid" she laughed and said I looked better then ever and mom also told me I looked great ... (first time in a long time I put a little effort in my appearence) so right now I'm pretty darn good about myself let's hope it lasts guys <3 anyway feel free to put what you think on here I always enjoy the comments <3 I think im gonna get some sleep now

I'd love to see pictures of the room when it's done! ^^ And hey, I'll even offer my help... I can't do much from here, but I could make you an acrylic painting if you feel you'd like something super original to your walls :)

And stay strong, he'll go away soon <3

ok well I took a once again much needed hiatus.... I keep getting busy and not so able to get on here but im trying to I'm sorry guys if I keep dissapearing for a year at a time :/

but alot has happened in the last year I got a job it's not the greatest but it's a job though im looking for a second one , I got into a relationship with an AMAZING guy and it will be a year next month <3

I had another loss though one of my best friends died in august....it tore me up pretty bad but i have amazing people behind me now so I recovered just fine

mom's engaged to an amazing man that I am glad to call dad we all have alot of laughs we are currently remodleing the house and it's just about there