I can't believe I've let you in and now here I am

KJ wrote:

KerliPoland wrote:this is so awesome, that you did something that your mom was happy. Awesome. Life sometimes is weird, but you deserve on all what is good.
Good Luck with remix.

I love you Natt haha. You're always positive, which is nice so thank you.. I need more positivity in my life. I would say I'm 80% happy, 20% melancholy. Rarely do I get to tap into the 80% happy.

Honey, I love you too I believe that in your life will be more positivity.

Liisu wrote:now Tyler is awesome, isn't he? Smile he's one of the coolest persons here I've met on ToL! <3

I think the same

Liisu wrote:hei I am glad I dropped by your blog I like it!

now Tyler is awesome, isn't he? he's one of the coolest persons here I've met on ToL! <3

Hey!! Glad you liked it Liisu I'm happy more people branched into my crazy writings & life. hehe. Tyler is awesome. He said he doesn't talk for long. Lies, when he talks to me. It's 5-7 hour chat sessions ha. I like talking :F Check back for more posts I do

KerliPoland wrote:
Honey, I love you too I believe that in your life will be more positivity.

Yay. I try too add more positive. My oracle cards had some interesting things to say about that doubt I've been feeling. Since then, I've found $50 at Bestbuy. This asshole who cut us off at an intersection got pulled over. So many things. It's crazy. It's like the world got revolved around me for once

Anyways, thank you again. I love our chats

Progress for my AoL remix videos is coming along slow :F It's cool, I want them to be perfect hehe.

KJ wrote:

KerliPoland wrote:
Honey, I love you too I believe that in your life will be more positivity.

Yay. I try too add more positive. My oracle cards had some interesting things to say about that doubt I've been feeling. Since then, I've found $50 at Bestbuy. This asshole who cut us off at an intersection got pulled over. So many things. It's crazy. It's like the world got revolved around me for once

Anyways, thank you again. I love our chats

awww honey <3
Don't think about this ashole.. people are stupid often... one day he will be suffer for it what did you...
And also I thank you, I very like chating with you <3

KerliPoland wrote:
awww honey <3
Don't think about this ashole.. people are stupid often... one day he will be suffer for it what did you...
And also I thank you, I very like chating with you <3

There are ass-hats galore where I live. You run into a lot of them at the store unfortunately. I'm off to bed now, I have AoL videos to finish and 24 hours of sleep that I need back at some point ha! See ya soon Natt

ok, honey
Have a awesome week

KerliPoland wrote:ok, honey
Have a awesome week

I will! I'm almost finished with revision 1 of the AOL remix video. I'm excited, but I don't like some of the things i've done. It'll probably be changed in the end. Ugh... I wish these idea's would just hurry and pop out of my head, they always come after-the-fact lol.

Song of the Day: Illuminated by Hurts

I attended my cousin's graduation, it was rather fun. Usually, the Native graduations are always dull b/c it's the same every year. They give the graduates Eagle Plumes and feathers. Plumes are for the women, Feathers for the men. I want a plume too you bastards, those fuzzy pieces are awesome haha. Anyways, back on topic. Here's a pick of the plume she received. It's worn in the hair. It's a honour to receive one, especially when given to or by a person.

Time waits for no one, so do you want to waste some time? How about tonight? Don't be afraid of tomorrow. Just take my hand i'll make it feel so much better tonight. Look into my eyes, there's really nothing left to lose, but now I know that i'm never coming back to you. I see it in your eyes, there's suffering, it hides the blue. I know that it's never going to hide the truth.

Aside from more randomness. I"ll post of a picture of my eagle feather I received during my GED graduation. It's has the same deal, just a longer hair extension attached to it. The only thing holding me back from posting the picture is a camera. I need money to buy the camera. I have $200 on me. I could buy a Sony Cyber-Shot

Maybe.... I'll start doing vlogs. I'll show parts of how I live my life. LOL now I don't know if I want to get that personal with ya'll. I'm still the new person here, who wants to see my life Thinking I should use my Oracle cards for more advice. If you're interested in buying oracle cards. Get "Healing with the Angels, Ascended Masters or Messages from your Angels" by Doreen Virtue. Ascended Masters are the "daddy" deck and Messages from your Angels the "mommy" deck Kerli mentioned. I always wondered which ones she used, turns out she was using the same ones as me Messages from your Angels are the best. They're for beginners as they have the meanings on them. Ascended masters are a bit more complexed. Really fun once you know how to use them. I have 3 Tarot decks now, I spilled water on the only set that wasn't in the case >.> Aside from that bad karma (loll) I saved my good sets. These ones have great art attached to each. I'll post pictures of them in a post very soon after I scan them.

I think that's about it for this post.... Just busy editing still. For those of you who don't know. It takes me 10+ hours of continuous work, assuming I want to work on it that long, to do one video. People are like, "it looks like it only takes a hour." Yeah, you tell that to Tyler too, he'll agree it takes FOREVER to make stuff.

KJ wrote:I will! Smile I'm almost finished with revision 1 of the AOL remix video. I'm excited, but I don't like some of the things i've done. It'll probably be changed in the end. Ugh... I wish these idea's would just hurry and pop out of my head, they always come after-the-fact lol.

awww I want see this remix I believe that will be awesome!!!!

KJ wrote:I attended my cousin's graduation, it was rather fun. Usually, the Native graduations are always dull b/c it's the same every year. They give the graduates Eagle Plumes and feathers. Plumes are for the women, Feathers for the men. I want a plume too you bastards, those fuzzy pieces are awesome haha. Anyways, back on topic. Here's a pick of the plume she received. It's worn in the hair. It's a honour to receive one, especially when given to or by a person.

What is the graduates Eagle Plumes?? I don't know what this is?? I hear about it first time...This is tradition???

KJ wrote:Time waits for no one, so do you want to waste some time? How about tonight? Don't be afraid of tomorrow. Just take my hand i'll make it feel so much better tonight. Look into my eyes, there's really nothing left to lose, but now I know that i'm never coming back to you. I see it in your eyes, there's suffering, it hides the blue. I know that it's never going to hide the truth.

awww your words are so beautiful!!!! This is true. We still need to experiment with our lives. We'll have new experiences. Of course, we must also struggle with the suffering around the world.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUR PHOTO, HONEY

Idea with vblogs is so awesome Your idea is very good. And if you do scan I will be want see it <3

KJ wrote:I think that's about it for this post.... Just busy editing still. For those of you who don't know. It takes me 10+ hours of continuous work, assuming I want to work on it that long, to do one video. People are like, "it looks like it only takes a hour." Yeah, you tell that to Tyler too, he'll agree it takes FOREVER to make stuff.

KJ, I understand you that work is very hard. All must has very good quality and awesome effect. Your work is so awesome, you know about it. I think that you are very patient person and creative!!!

Songs of the Night/Now/Morning: Downtown & Where Does the Good Go by Tegan and Sara

I'm sorry I'm posting this late. I just had the most unforgivable dream i've had in such a long time. The dream itself was such a terrible thing in itself in that... I had memories I kept hidden for such a long time. I thought I successfully was able to block much of it to the point, I had forgotten any of it had occurred. I'll tell you the dream now. It was from a third-person perspective, being that I was watching myself through this vision. The vision was of myself, growing up. Now, when I was a kid... I took the emotional & physical abuse from kids around me, my own friends and other irrelevant persons. In reality, it was my own friends who would pick on me. I think because I was different from everyone. I never liked doing things most kids liked doing. I always preferred to be alone, helping my grandma around the house, cleaning, yard work & various other activities. I grew up with a loving mom, aunties & grandma that I never wanted to leave home. Well, everyone knew where I lived. I lived on a busy street corner house, everyone had to drive or walk past it to get to the schools. These kids would always call me a fag, punch me, slap me, kick or verbally abuse me to the point I didn't even want to attend school. I always made up excuses when my family would see why I was crying. I would tell them I had thought of something or missed an animal who was hit by a car. Where we lived... our cats would always get hit by a car b/c how busy the road was. Back on topic. They would comfort me, tell me everything was okay. I've never told anyone this. I always and still have kept it hidden. I never wanted to tell anyone my life. Why I was picked on was because around here, you'd have to either like something popular, act and dress a certain way. I never was like that, i always liked being comfortable with myself. Well, this all occurred during elementary. In middle school, it got worse. There were 5 middle schools in our district, the students of each would be combined into this giant middle school which was basically a high school building. The bullying got worse, it got worse to the point I became hollow almost. If one kid would start in on calling me something, more would and so it eventually got worse. I became the target of everyone to pick on. I eventually just stopped putting up fights, defending myself to just letting them say whatever they wanted. I believed it all to be true what they said. I kind of absorbed and took it all in. I would sit alone or outside when it came to lunch as we were allowed to leave to outside for the remainder of lunch. Every day, I would sit along side the school behind the building to avoid everyone. In high school. It seemed like everyone had forgotten about me. The troubles began once again in my 10th grade year. Well I was in 9th grade still with 10th grade classes. I passed, but missed many days of school from skipping to avoid drama. I had a few friends I found who I thought were genuine. THey would defend me when people said rude shit to me. Eventually, they all turned on me, just like everyone else I knew. I continually lost interest in high school, but not obtaining my education. I found my true purpose in life. I went from dark, hollow to happy and cheerful regardless of what small head, bald head bruised ass idaho sack of potatoes said about me. I finally had enough. I found my passion for digital arts. I loved graphic and video design and just writing in general. I found the comfort in doing these to take my mind off stressful things. I finally stood up for myself while I was in high school. Nobody would make me feel some type of way about myself and who I was as a person. Confidence came back and is still frequent, although, at times i do feel apprehensive in the direction I should go, but it all works out. My faith in my culture has guided me in my many good things i'm so greatful for. Our creator makes sure those who follow our way faithfully and pure are taken care of. Even though I haven't been able to find work, my mom included. Our rent, bills, home accessories and necessities are always paid or on shelf. I know this ending isn't the best, but dropping out for me was my best decision in my life up till now. In our culture, we have this ceremony where, if your honestly so unhappy with how your life is. You can pray that the spirits take you back to the spirit world. You won't even die, they just take you back to the spirit world, back home if you will. I've thought about this for so long. I almost wanted it so bad at times where I struggled so much. But I'm happy I never did. I see how much I can do for my family by just being here. I wouldn't be where or who I am today without struggle. I know if i was in high school, I would've been miserable and probably never found my way due to always feeling insecure. My education is still important, as soon as the 3 month waiting period after you drop out to enroll for GED classes ended, I attended everyday and got my GED. I'm happy I did as I'm currently taking my generals online for now as getting to class everyday is difficult without a job. Having a job for gas is a must as the building is about 20-30 minutes away. I live on the outskirts of town. I've made a few friends just from general interest and meeting people at various places i.e. Borders (Love the metaphysical and divination section) Hobby Lobby (have met some very awesome elderly and people 10-15 years older than i am) and Hot Topic. Just very odd places to meet people with similar interests.

I had gotten to the point where I thought for long times. In my life, I got to a point where I felt like, Do I really have a purpose? Do i really have a purpose for living? Why am I here? You know, sometimes we're so hard on ourselves and we don't really realize how strong we are and what our purpose is, how many lives we touch on a day-to-day basis. But, we all have a purpose and we all have a reason for being. You just have to stick it out to find out what that purpose is and you can't feel like you were put here for no reason. Because, even if your circumstances are bad or you feel like there's just no way out or you feel alone or you feel like things aren't going to change for you. I just want you to know, that it doesn't matter what your dream or hope is. Stay true to it and give your dream a fighting chance to become a reality. I believe when you do that, you'll see how much of an impact you have on this planet. Who's to say, If I wasn't born, the different people or maybe the people I don't even know, maybe there's someone out there I helped them. Maybe I changed their life or even If I just made them laugh for that one moment. I don't know.

I'm such a p**y i'm going to cry right now hehe. I'm sorry. There's so many grammatical errors, the time is 04:24 and I have to be up at 13:30. Well before then anyways. I woke up jsut to tell you this. I felt so many negative energies being sent my way, I heard a girl laugh at me while posting this. I felt sad, but after saying all this. My room feels so much better and I feel tired once again. I think my Grandma is watching over me. I feel at peace. It's odd how things can come about.

I really do wish you would check the songs out at top by Tegan and Sara. Their songs are very honest and well written. it's crazy to think they're not really heard of.

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you could be real happy and healthy, strong and calm. Where do you go when you're alone? And the world knows, how do you live so happily while I am so sad and broken down? Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go. look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.

KerliPoland wrote:

KJ wrote:I will! Smile I'm almost finished with revision 1 of the AOL remix video. I'm excited, but I don't like some of the things i've done. It'll probably be changed in the end. Ugh... I wish these idea's would just hurry and pop out of my head, they always come after-the-fact lol.

awww I want see this remix I believe that will be awesome!!!!

KJ wrote:I attended my cousin's graduation, it was rather fun. Usually, the Native graduations are always dull b/c it's the same every year. They give the graduates Eagle Plumes and feathers. Plumes are for the women, Feathers for the men. I want a plume too you bastards, those fuzzy pieces are awesome haha. Anyways, back on topic. Here's a pick of the plume she received. It's worn in the hair. It's a honour to receive one, especially when given to or by a person.

What is the graduates Eagle Plumes?? I don't know what this is?? I hear about it first time...This is tradition???

KJ wrote:Time waits for no one, so do you want to waste some time? How about tonight? Don't be afraid of tomorrow. Just take my hand i'll make it feel so much better tonight. Look into my eyes, there's really nothing left to lose, but now I know that i'm never coming back to you. I see it in your eyes, there's suffering, it hides the blue. I know that it's never going to hide the truth.

awww your words are so beautiful!!!! This is true. We still need to experiment with our lives. We'll have new experiences. Of course, we must also struggle with the suffering around the world.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOUR PHOTO, HONEY

Idea with vblogs is so awesome Your idea is very good. And if you do scan I will be want see it <3

KJ wrote:I think that's about it for this post.... Just busy editing still. For those of you who don't know. It takes me 10+ hours of continuous work, assuming I want to work on it that long, to do one video. People are like, "it looks like it only takes a hour." Yeah, you tell that to Tyler too, he'll agree it takes FOREVER to make stuff.

KJ, I understand you that work is very hard. All must has very good quality and awesome effect. Your work is so awesome, you know about it. I think that you are very patient person and creative!!!

That's crazy Natt. I just posted a long post above this one about my dream and then I see you responded so I'm going to take the time to post right now before I sleep You're worth staying up to write back

I hope you do like it, I'm holding off on my other version until the AoL remix promo is released with the other remix done by Chew Fu. I want to do versions with both songs.

Eagle Plumes are given to women as the eagles feathers are maturing into stronger feathers for flight. They're given to women because of their growing like tendency. So women from Girl to Women type deal. Becoming of age is a good way to put it. It's a gift to show honour for things achieved. Same deal for boys, the feather resonates boy to man. That's not the only time you receive them. There's many cultural times when you get them. One thing that gets me is when people say Pow WoW is native culture. Pow Wow's only came about about 100 years ago. They were meant for families to come together to have a time of happiness once every year. The idea is spirituality is our culture. I wish I could fully explain this to you natt, talking on the internet is a bit harder b/c I can't fully say what I want to say b/c I can't explain it unless i'm talking one-on-one with you.

I will upload a pic and show you. I have two of htem hanging on my wall. I have one from my Uncle sam when he passed away, it was his and so I hang it over my bed for protection from people throwing medicine (Bad prayers, thoughts however you want to call negative stuff my way). The other is the same as the picture of my cousin, only its a feather and is missing the hair clip, mines meant to be tied in my hair. ACtually, hers isn't even supposed to have a hair clip. They're meant to be tied into your hair. I'd love to do a vlog, I have so much to talk about. It saves me typing so much and having you guys to read it all ha! I'm glad you enjoyed the photo. It gives an idea of what i'm talking about with the plumes heh.

I appreciate what you say about my works so far. It all hit me at one time like, do i really have a purpose for what i'm doing? SHould i even continue doing this? I would love to be a music video director or even the editor is fine too. I just love editing and making some one elses or my own vision come to life. I honestly do have lots of patience with things, I'm surprised you come back every time and read my blogs with how long they are so thank you Natt. It's means a lot to me that someone thinks what i'm doing is actually worth it.

I'm writing in spaces to answer each of your posts you responded too hehe.

KJ, please don’t say sorry. You don’t must say it. Unfortunately, ours dream often can be horrible. But dream is part of life, part of day. I think that we see experience in dreams..and sometimes future..your vision and emotional and physical abuse maybe is reaction in your experience when you was younger?? Yes, I understand you that you preferred to be alone maybe in these moment you felt safe. It very good that you helping grandma it show that your heart is so awesome, really. Growing with love is very important, love this is something awesome what must have every people in life, if in life doesn’t have a love it soul die..
I’m so sorry for school abuse, I know what you feel, it so much destroy psyche. Communicity in school is like herd of animals. Unfortunately, always there are weak elements… and I know that this is Sick what I write because I was weak element but this is true. I feel that you had fear of school. I believed what persons said about me, also. Honey, they wanted hurted you because it was funny for these people but for your sensitive person was horrible. Now I want hug you, so much. This is very good that you win your life. You are so strong person and you can have All what you want Passion in life is very important. You must develop your talent. I think that you see that digitals art give you so much in life. I belive that your mom will be have awesome job!!! Struggle this is something what give direction in life.. if person doesn’t fight it is end… Yes, education is very important. What is the “GED”? This is very good that you are happy and you have good contact with persons.. I see that they must be so awesome.
Searching purpose in life is very complicated but everybody will found it one day. Yes, we must be very strong…strength is fundament life. Honey, you’re right. Only we must all time fight because we building world, and future world for ours children.. it ours life will be create their life…


KJ!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME PERSON!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOUR SOUL IS SO AMAZING!!! YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT PERSON FO ME!!!
Please, don’t think about grammatical errors, this isn’t important here. If you feel negatives energies or you feel bad, always can write here. I’m here for you. Be happy, please.

PS. If I good under stand now you wrote about dream??? I’m so sorry, I explain what I think about your vision. I’m stupid.


In question your second post

Hahahaha we are crazy lol.

I very like your blog,your art what you thought etc Awww when your remix will be ready I will be have add it on KerliPoland??

Eagle Plumes it sound so awesome when you explained me. I understand now. Thank you. This is very amazing tradition. I hope that one day I will be can touch Eagle Plumes.

Thank you very much. I see purpose in your art. You must do it all time if it do create that you are happy. Remember, that always is hard but later will be easy. I very like read your posts <3
You are awesome.

KerliPoland wrote:KJ, please don’t say sorry. You don’t must say it. Unfortunately, ours dream often can be horrible. But dream is part of life, part of day. I think that we see experience in dreams..and sometimes future..your vision and emotional and physical abuse maybe is reaction in your experience when you was younger?? Yes, I understand you that you preferred to be alone maybe in these moment you felt safe. It very good that you helping grandma it show that your heart is so awesome, really. Growing with love is very important, love this is something awesome what must have every people in life, if in life doesn’t have a love it soul die..
I’m so sorry for school abuse, I know what you feel, it so much destroy psyche. Communicity in school is like herd of animals. Unfortunately, always there are weak elements… and I know that this is Sick what I write because I was weak element but this is true. I feel that you had fear of school. I believed what persons said about me, also. Honey, they wanted hurted you because it was funny for these people but for your sensitive person was horrible. Now I want hug you, so much. This is very good that you win your life. You are so strong person and you can have All what you want Passion in life is very important. You must develop your talent. I think that you see that digitals art give you so much in life. I belive that your mom will be have awesome job!!! Struggle this is something what give direction in life.. if person doesn’t fight it is end… Yes, education is very important. What is the “GED”? This is very good that you are happy and you have good contact with persons.. I see that they must be so awesome.
Searching purpose in life is very complicated but everybody will found it one day. Yes, we must be very strong…strength is fundament life. Honey, you’re right. Only we must all time fight because we building world, and future world for ours children.. it ours life will be create their life…


KJ!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME PERSON!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOUR SOUL IS SO AMAZING!!! YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT PERSON FO ME!!!
Please, don’t think about grammatical errors, this isn’t important here. If you feel negatives energies or you feel bad, always can write here. I’m here for you. Be happy, please.

PS. If I good under stand now you wrote about dream??? I’m so sorry, I explain what I think about your vision. I’m stupid.


In question your second post

Hahahaha we are crazy lol.

I very like your blog,your art what you thought etc Awww when your remix will be ready I will be have add it on KerliPoland??

Eagle Plumes it sound so awesome when you explained me. I understand now. Thank you. This is very amazing tradition. I hope that one day I will be can touch Eagle Plumes.

Thank you very much. I see purpose in your art. You must do it all time if it do create that you are happy. Remember, that always is hard but later will be easy. I very like read your posts <3
You are awesome.

Yes! This is the first time I've had a dream like that. My dreams usually have a message or meaning to them. I think it was my reaction to my suppression of it. I kept it hidden from myself and others that it I believed it didn't happen in my head. I thank my grandma who passed away for every thing she's taught me, she passed away a few years ago. It's sad to think, but I can say i'm still happy while she's gone fortunately. I think that's why I can relate to you well Natt. You've seen what comes about from bullying growing up. Living in fear and believing what others can say to one person. It really is awful. I hope my mom gets an awesome job too. She's qualified in Psychology & Sociology. It gets terrible at times when we have scrape money together. There's no jobs around here, we apply and apply and apply. I'm just happy we get interviews so at least I see that to see that part of hope. Something very good is going to happen, I don't know when or where, but I know it's going to be well worth the struggle we're facing right now. Even though we struggle, my mom continues to help those around us even though we're without and so, I believe something good will happen to her more, she deserves it. What have I done to be so deserving to have something my way? You know? That's just my thinking. I never really thought of myself as a sensitive until you brought it up Natt. Ty. I grew stoic over the years that I never told anyone before. GED is a form of education for those who don't finish high school i.e. drop out. I dropped out my 11th year year, which in reality was supposed to be my 12th year. I got held back for missing school a lot. This is true, there's always going to be a barrier that we must break down if we want to see our futures how we wish to carve it.

[quote="KerliPoland"]KJ!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME PERSON!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOUR SOUL IS SO AMAZING!!! YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT PERSON FO ME!!!
Please, don’t think about grammatical errors, this isn’t important here. If you feel negatives energies or you feel bad, always can write here. I’m here for you. Be happy, please.

KerliPoland wrote:KJ, please don’t say sorry. You don’t must say it. Unfortunately, ours dream often can be horrible. But dream is part of life, part of day. I think that we see experience in dreams..and sometimes future..your vision and emotional and physical abuse maybe is reaction in your experience when you was younger?? Yes, I understand you that you preferred to be alone maybe in these moment you felt safe. It very good that you helping grandma it show that your heart is so awesome, really. Growing with love is very important, love this is something awesome what must have every people in life, if in life doesn’t have a love it soul die..
I’m so sorry for school abuse, I know what you feel, it so much destroy psyche. Communicity in school is like herd of animals. Unfortunately, always there are weak elements… and I know that this is Sick what I write because I was weak element but this is true. I feel that you had fear of school. I believed what persons said about me, also. Honey, they wanted hurted you because it was funny for these people but for your sensitive person was horrible. Now I want hug you, so much. This is very good that you win your life. You are so strong person and you can have All what you want Passion in life is very important. You must develop your talent. I think that you see that digitals art give you so much in life. I belive that your mom will be have awesome job!!! Struggle this is something what give direction in life.. if person doesn’t fight it is end… Yes, education is very important. What is the “GED”? This is very good that you are happy and you have good contact with persons.. I see that they must be so awesome.
Searching purpose in life is very complicated but everybody will found it one day. Yes, we must be very strong…strength is fundament life. Honey, you’re right. Only we must all time fight because we building world, and future world for ours children.. it ours life will be create their life…


KJ!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME PERSON!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOUR SOUL IS SO AMAZING!!! YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT PERSON FO ME!!!
Please, don’t think about grammatical errors, this isn’t important here. If you feel negatives energies or you feel bad, always can write here. I’m here for you. Be happy, please.

Thank you Natt. You're an important person to me too. It's nice to know if even though we're from different countries, there's still someone out there I can relate to. I'm kind of a grammar whore lol. The schools I went to, you had to write well in English or you would get in trouble for doing simple errors. It was dumb, it helped a lot. I will always write here. I feel as though I can talk about whatever I want. Saying you'll be here makes me

Actually yes, you understood the concept of my dream and what I thought it meant very well. Right on. Your not stupid, understanding and learning is a part of life.

Yes! We're in sync. When I type stuff in my blog, it tells me someone commented on it while I was writing. Turns out, it's always you Absolutely!! Use it as you wish, i'll send the original quality I do to you.

In our culture, eagle plumes & feathers are important to us. Eagle feathers are sacred because we use them when we go to Inipi (Sweat/Ceremony) Humbliicha (Hum-bleh-cha) to pray on the hills, to use for eagle fans when we pray, sun dance and other concepts. Sun dance is a 4 day ceremony. The dancer's sacrifice water and food and pray continuously for our people, friends, family & others during those 4 days. They dance around a giant tree we cut down ourselves and carry to the arena to set up. If it touches the ground while we carry, sun dance was not meant to happen that year. It's a very wonderful thing now that i'm older. When I was younger, it was horrible b/c it was boring or so i thought. Everything's a lot more wonderful now that i'm older. Humbllicha is the same thing, you sit on a hill for 4 days and pray continuously for others. You stay focused enough the feeling of tired, hunger and thirst will disappear. It's a scary orrdeal, but I know it will be my time to do it soon. Big Foot is our protector of lands. People do not understand Big Foot is a spirit, it shows itself when people are hurting the earth e.g. throwing beer cans on the ground, starting fires, cutting down trees and other reckless ideas. Big Foot seems scary, but in truth... When they come to you in dreams and speak, it's a very loving feeling that you don't want gone. Their aura is powerful to bring you to tears of happiness. If I receive one soon, I would gladly send you one as it is a honour to receive one. Just take care of it They're meant to be protected so you may pray with them when you need help. Just pray to the eagle nation that your prayers be sent to the creator with their flight.

Yes. I hope what I do will become one of my futures. I'd love to be a counselor or psychologist too. I enjoy helping others, volunteering and just knowing that I can help make a difference in those around me. I'm very happy you come back to read. Let's me know that what I write is actually honest and open for judgement by others. Thank you. I'll send you a copy of AoL soon.

You, in a simple gray coat in a simple white room. You, hate the tender hearted, torched like some. You, catch flame in my sentimental tune.

It's finished!! After having Tyler review it. My AoL remix video is finished. I'm going to dub it my "easy on the eyes" version. My other ideas involve lots of flashing. Heh. Headache free!

I’m sorry that now I answer you ;(

I believe in your mom. You mom has gold of heart.
Thank you that you explain me what is GED. Good luck in education.

Thank you very much for your words.
Eagle are amazing.
I love ur version AOL

And I'm sorry that I write a little but during talking on msn you said me so awesome things. I love your culture <3

KJ wrote:I had gotten to the point where I thought for long times. In my life, I got to a point where I felt like, Do I really have a purpose? Do i really have a purpose for living? Why am I here? You know, sometimes we're so hard on ourselves and we don't really realize how strong we are and what our purpose is, how many lives we touch on a day-to-day basis. But, we all have a purpose and we all have a reason for being. You just have to stick it out to find out what that purpose is and you can't feel like you were put here for no reason. Because, even if your circumstances are bad or you feel like there's just no way out or you feel alone or you feel like things aren't going to change for you. I just want you to know, that it doesn't matter what your dream or hope is. Stay true to it and give your dream a fighting chance to become a reality. I believe when you do that, you'll see how much of an impact you have on this planet. Who's to say, If I wasn't born, the different people or maybe the people I don't even know, maybe there's someone out there I helped them. Maybe I changed their life or even If I just made them laugh for that one moment. I don't know.

Just wanted to tell you, this is really, really beautiful. I've been feeling a bit purposeless lately and this gave me hope and inspiration.

out of the hollow wrote:
Just wanted to tell you, this is really, really beautiful. I've been feeling a bit purposeless lately and this gave me hope and inspiration.

Thank You!! I was feeling very melancholy & sentimental that day while I was writing. I'm glad it helped you in the way it did.

I can't believe i've let you in and now here i am, telling you i am suffocating in here.

KJ, I love your new avatar

KerliPoland wrote:KJ, I love your new avatar

Thank you Nat!!

I haven't written here in a few days, I just needed to update ya'll and say this. I've been stuck in MSN Chat limbo

you're welcome...

I'm sorry but my mns didn't work yesterday

KerliPoland wrote:you're welcome...

I'm sorry but my mns didn't work yesterday

That's okay. I missed ya on MSN today. I was making myself some ramen for lunch when you messaged If I don't respond again, i'm probably away from my keyboard

Also... i'm probably just going to start doing my blogs by audio hehe. I just need to find a place to embed a player onto my page so I can just speak. Who wants to read how much I write when they could just listen to it

Electric Shocks
I Love Them
With you, dozen a day
But after awhile I wonder
Where's that love you promised?! Where is it?

Bjork has to be one of my favourite artists I can sit back and relax to while i'm thinking contently. I had a revelation if you will about my current situation. I used to think hard about my goals and purpose, what are these challenges life has in-store for me. I think now, my purpose is to help others as I can. I have a natural tendency wanting to help people and see if I can change their outlook on their life and/or problems they're currently facing. I love hearing about others and people in general. I love talking (Clearly as evidenced by Nat and Tyler haha) about everything or anything.

I go downtown to catch the early movie,
the shows are cheaper, they don't mind if you put your feet up.
I see the reflection of myself with a home made sign that says,
go ahead & try to figure out what my future looks like.
I don't wanna live my life like a story,
always thinking I could've been something.
Don't run along side and control me,
I just found my way, let me be.
At eve's night, I feel fine.
I move on, I'll go alone.
There's some so divided,
don't worry about me, i'll be fine.
Don't live your life for me, or for anyone
you live your life as if you're one.

This really makes me think of all the things I was always called and what I was told I would always be, but somehow... I always knew my life was meant to be somewhere else, where I felt I needed. I think as I grew older, I disliked myself to the point I thought, "how could I continue to live?" It was at that moment, the seed of depression sprouted in the deepest, darkest pit of me. There was no way hope could reach it, that was until... I started talking to people online and helping them through their problems. I was even told by people I'm a MSN Guru b/c I always listened and understood how they felt, what they saw, what they heard. It was all distant, but very similar and I felt I could relate to this person to the point of pure understanding.
I said all that to say this, Don't ever let anyone tell you you can never be who you want to be or that life has already set its course for you. You can change your reality and mold it into what you desire, not what someone has set for you. It took me longer than most to understand this, but now that I do... My dreams will not be thought of as lesser than theirs. I'm going to make my reality come true and live that life I want. I'm such a p*$$* I feel like crying now, but I won't because I know these tears would be happy, not self-grieving.

I want to thank everyone whose visited my blog and said words of kindness about my honesty. I try to keep it 100% both to you & me because I feel like, if i'm going to have a blog... why shouldn't I be completely honest and say what i'm thinking?

This distraction inside of me, who knows? I just can't get it straight you see, I know. It's fine, by you. I am fine, by you. I won't tell one soul. If you're going downtown, take me with you. If i'm going to get up, i'll just admit it. I only get up for you. I sit all night, thinking still all night.

"This is the time of my life. Finding that kind of person who makes me laugh and says, "Get up off your knees." All you need is me, all you get is me. This is the time of my life. This is the time of your life.

KJ wrote:This really makes me think of all the things I was always called and what I was told I would always be, but somehow... I always knew my life was meant to be somewhere else, where I felt I needed. I think as I grew older, I disliked myself to the point I thought, "how could I continue to live?" It was at that moment, the seed of depression sprouted in the deepest, darkest pit of me. There was no way hope could reach it, that was until... I started talking to people online and helping them through their problems. I was even told by people I'm a MSN Guru b/c I always listened and understood how they felt, what they saw, what they heard. It was all distant, but very similar and I felt I could relate to this person to the point of pure understanding.
I said all that to say this, Don't ever let anyone tell you you can never be who you want to be or that life has already set its course for you. You can change your reality and mold it into what you desire, not what someone has set for you. It took me longer than most to understand this, but now that I do... My dreams will not be thought of as lesser than theirs. I'm going to make my reality come true and live that life I want. I'm such a p*$$* I feel like crying now, but I won't because I know these tears would be happy, not self-grieving.

What a wonderful discovery to make! I think that's something a lot of people never realize, actually. So, good for you! And, thank you for inspiring me once again.

out of the hollow wrote:
What a wonderful discovery to make! I think that's something a lot of people never realize, actually. So, good for you! And, thank you for inspiring me once again.

Thank you again I have these sentimental evenings at times where I feel like I should post what i'm thinking at that time. I'm glad my words have helped you in some way

KJ wrote:
That's okay. I missed ya on MSN today. I was making myself some ramen for lunch when you messaged Sad If I don't respond again, i'm probably away from my keyboard Very Happy

Also... i'm probably just going to start doing my blogs by audio hehe. I just need to find a place to embed a player onto my page so I can just speak. Who wants to read how much I write when they could just listen to it Razz

ohhhh...I thought that you didn't wanted talked with me...
I want saw your blogs!!!!!!

KJ wrote:I think now, my purpose is to help others as I can. I have a natural tendency wanting to help people and see if I can change their outlook on their life and/or problems they're currently facing. I love hearing about others and people in general. I love talking (Clearly as evidenced by Nat and Tyler haha) about everything or anything.

your goal is so awesome. I believe that you come dream soon
And I love talking with you.

KJ wrote:I go downtown to catch the early movie,
the shows are cheaper, they don't mind if you put your feet up.
I see the reflection of myself with a home made sign that says,
go ahead & try to figure out what my future looks like.
I don't wanna live my life like a story,
always thinking I could've been something.
Don't run along side and control me,
I just found my way, let me be.
At eve's night, I feel fine.
I move on, I'll go alone.
There's some so divided,
don't worry about me, i'll be fine.
Don't live your life for me, or for anyone
you live your life as if you're one.

I love it. These are beautiful words.

KJ wrote:Don't ever let anyone tell you you can never be who you want to be or that life has already set its course for you. You can change your reality and mold it into what you desire, not what someone has set for you. It took me longer than most to understand this, but now that I do... My dreams will not be thought of as lesser than theirs. I'm going to make my reality come true and live that life I want. Smile I'm such a p*$$* I feel like crying now, but I won't because I know these tears would be happy, not self-grieving.

your message is very valid for all world but often so hard for people

KJ wrote:I want to thank everyone whose visited my blog and said words of kindness about my honesty. I try to keep it 100% both to you & me because I feel like, if i'm going to have a blog... why shouldn't I be completely honest and say what i'm thinking?

you're welcome, eg,I love read your blog. You are very good person.
And my comments this is always what I think.

KerliPoland wrote:
ohhhh...I thought that you didn't wanted talked with me...
I want saw your blogs!!!!!!

your goal is so awesome. I believe that you come dream soon
And I love talking with you.

I love it. These are beautiful words.

your message is very valid for all world but often so hard for people

you're welcome, eg,I love read your blog. You are very good person.
And my comments this is always what I think.

Nooooooo!!! I always enjoy talking to you!! I noticed you left a message, you logged off when I came back. It's fine though. Don't think I don't want to talk to you Nat, you're one of my favourite people I enjoy talking to.

Thank you I was thinking about all the times people told me I was going to be what they thought I would be. Their opinions don't matter to me because in the end, they're the ones working at Mcdonald's living on that $220 paycheck thinking they're something partying every week. Some of them who always said stuff to me were small head, bald head ducks. I don't even need to talk about anything else, I could just ride out on them on their mis-shapened heads. Here's the thing about small head, bald heads... If you're going shave your head, you need to have a nice shaped head because if your head is looking like an Idaho potato... LOL who told you that was good looking? OOOOOOO sorry, I totally went off topic. That's my ADHD kicking in, we're going to go with the current and if i'm going to go down stream, then i'm going to go down.

I know, It took me awhile to make this realization about myself, but i'm glad that I did because I see things differently. I used to always be in a melancholy mood, regardless of situations I was in. I hope people can see that they're in charge of the path they choose, not somebody with a small head, bald head.

This I know, thank you. It's funny you know because I always thought I was the nicest person, but people always thought I was some asshole because I wouldn't do something they would do. Now, drinking...they would ask me to come party. I'd tell them no thank you nicely, but they would be persistent. Finally, I would have to be upfront and get mad to tell them ENOUGH, I'M NOT DRINKING. People always thought I was an ass, they just can't deal with people being upfront. I'm not a follower thank you. Thank you for the nice words all the time Nat. Oh!! Out of the hollow has said very kind words too It's nice to find out someone thought my words were inspirational or worth reading

The time is 05:24 and I must go to bed I've been working on my A.o.L. Chew Fu Edit for the past 7 hours. It'll be ready sometime this afternoon or tonight. It's about time, trying to find the motivation for Chew Fu's remix wasn't the best, he doesn't do very good remixes... they're bland in my opinion.

Those are my thoughts this morning Good Morning/Afternoon/Night.

KJ wrote:
Thank you I was thinking about all the times people told me I was going to be what they thought I would be. Their opinions don't matter to me because in the end, they're the ones working at Mcdonald's living on that $220 paycheck thinking they're something partying every week. Some of them who always said stuff to me were small head, bald head ducks. I don't even need to talk about anything else, I could just ride out on them on their mis-shapened heads. Here's the thing about small head, bald heads... If you're going shave your head, you need to have a nice shaped head because if your head is looking like an Idaho potato... LOL who told you that was good looking? OOOOOOO sorry, I totally went off topic. That's my ADHD kicking in, we're going to go with the current and if i'm going to go down stream, then i'm going to go down.

xD

KJ wrote:
It's funny you know because I always thought I was the nicest person, but people always thought I was some asshole because I wouldn't do something they would do. Now, drinking...they would ask me to come party. I'd tell them no thank you nicely, but they would be persistent. Finally, I would have to be upfront and get mad to tell them ENOUGH, I'M NOT DRINKING. People always thought I was an ass, they just can't deal with people being upfront. I'm not a follower thank you. Thank you for the nice words all the time Nat. Oh!! Out of the hollow has said very kind words too It's nice to find out someone thought my words were inspirational or worth reading

Hah, you would think they might have some sense and understand that someone might get upfront about something if they were going to be so persistent about it. Geez Good for you for being honest and not drinking just because everyone else was.

And, you're welcome! I hope you keep writing

out of the hollow wrote:
Hah, you would think they might have some sense and understand that someone might get upfront about something if they were going to be so persistent about it. Geez Good for you for being honest and not drinking just because everyone else was.

And, you're welcome! I hope you keep writing

I know right? I'm so tired of people putting on a show when they know they're wrong, BUT that's a whole other post i'm too tired to go into lol. It's 03:23 at the moment, I need to get my hours back on track. This is what happens when you force yourself to stay up to watch Ghost Adventures lol. Thank you though, I don't dwell into things I don't want to and when people keep nagging me... I get mad because no ears on them! I told them the first time. I used to do things other people wanted even though I didn't want to. I learned that lesson growing up, now it's time to teach it to others. I'm absolutely going to keep posting! I have MANY other topics and ideas I need to vocalize without actually being vocal lol... and I like when people tell me their opinions or thoughts about what I wrote.

My cousin is a major annoyance, I feel as though I might end up murdering him.... literally. I tell him to leave my room, he does...okay cool, no problem. 5 minutes later, the fool shows up again completely unaware of what I told him. Typical alcoholic and memory failz = super annoyance to me. I had to listen to him talk dirty about the 4 days he was gone, shacked up in some cheap apartment with a girl, how they did nasties and other horrors to my ears. Now, I could careless but when i'm given details of your sex ordeals...that's when i'm gonna have to say something because why should I be told your 1 minute of fun? LOL 1 minute of fun...ahhh missy elliot's "One Minute Man" comes into mind as I say that....ah the early years. Anyways, yes! Annoying as hell.

I hope people like my Chew Fu edit of Army of Love. It's been sitting in my to-do list for a week or two, but finding the motivation to want to finish it was at an all time low. It doesn't catch my ear like some remixes do, so trying to find the will to want to listen to it for 7+ hours a day to work on it and adjusting everything is a massive hemorrhage to my ears. It's not bad, it's just bland for my own taste is all Geez, I made it sound like it's the worst thing on the earth lol. Forgive me!

AND NOW... as I write this, some ghetto fried chicken came, broke into our van and fell asleep in the back. I heard the window break and the door slide open. I went outside with my knife all sneaky like, literal ninja right here Anyways, I stepped out through the back door and carefully checked the van from my dark-point behind our tree. All I saw was legs hanging out from the van. Don't worry as well btw. I woke up my mom and step-dad. I went out as they were getting ready to whoop some ass because out here...this always happens, not to us, but to people around here. This is the first time we had an Idaho potato do some damage to our property. My step-dad was going to let loose on him, but we told him NOOOOO it's unfair b/c he's passed out. We just called the police and had him taken to detox. He's paying a certain bill when he gets out He didn't look like an average, scruffy, smells like ripe apples and pungent horse radish breath man. I just wrecked our gender, but... this is true. Well from my personal experiences of having a bf and knowing a few guys in that way. Honestly...for me...dating women is soo much better, hygiene wise. I don't care whom I end up with in the end, as long as they put their half of the effort into the relationship. OMG NOW i JUST WENT OFF THE DEEP END INTO A WHOLE OTHER TOPIC. ADHD, just go with the current

Back into that whole fiasco I produced. I don't gender-hate, but there has been a few times where i've met some shady guys and women. Notice I don't say, boy or girls b/c at our age...they better not be still acting like children Omg again... From the 3 people i've dated. 2 women, both very loving people, but their heads are not in the right place and the 1 guy. Okay the guy...bad experience. He was just awful, he was what you would call a real diva. He was like, "You're not doing anything, you're gonna talk to me only, we're going to do what I want to do." So I was just like, "Thank you, but no thank you. You and that SHIT breath you keep spitting at me can go" Now that one bad experience with a guy isn't going to turn me away because that's not how all men are I guess. Well the bad breath I'm sure is 100% correct. I do not have stank ass breath (thank god) because I was taught hygiene and oral care. But yes, in the end...whoever I end up with, regardless of gender, I hope our mind-set is the same because...i'm tired of running into chickens without their head screwed on. Now they're just running around headless

I think that's about it tonight. The drunken guy totally killed my buzz, that's for sure. I was hoping to be in bed two hours ago. It's 05:13 now. I started at like 03:24 or something like that. GRRRRR now i'm going to be waking up at like 13:00-15:00-ish. Killing my sleeping schedule mannnnnnn.

My BACK JUST HURTS HA. Just thought I'd let myself know that in my own blog

KJ wrote:Nooooooo!!! I always enjoy talking to you!! Very Happy I noticed you left a message, you logged off when I came back. Sad It's fine though. Don't think I don't want to talk to you Nat, you're one of my favourite people I enjoy talking to.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I love so much talking with you. I love heard you.

KJ wrote:Thank you Smile I was thinking about all the times people told me I was going to be what they thought I would be. Their opinions don't matter to me because in the end, they're the ones working at Mcdonald's living on that $220 paycheck thinking they're something partying every week. Some of them who always said stuff to me were small head, bald head ducks. I don't even need to talk about anything else, I could just ride out on them on their mis-shapened heads. Here's the thing about small head, bald heads... If you're going shave your head, you need to have a nice shaped head because if your head is looking like an Idaho potato... LOL who told you that was good looking? OOOOOOO sorry, I totally went off topic. That's my ADHD kicking in, we're going to go with the current and if i'm going to go down stream, then i'm going to go down. Razz

please, don't think about people. This isn't valid what they think about you. The most important is it whhat you feel in your soul. Your soul know what is the best for you. What is your goal in life. We have so many direction in life...and mind sometimes does problems for us but we always win with it. Remember, hear all time your soul and heart.

KJ wrote:I know, It took me awhile to make this realization about myself, but i'm glad that I did because I see things differently. I used to always be in a melancholy mood, regardless of situations I was in. I hope people can see that they're in charge of the path they choose, not somebody with a small head, bald head. Razz

This is very good that you are glad. Your life is so special, remember about it. And melancholy is good

KJ wrote:This I know, thank you. Smile It's funny you know because I always thought I was the nicest person, but people always thought I was some asshole because I wouldn't do something they would do. Now, drinking...they would ask me to come party. I'd tell them no thank you nicely, but they would be persistent. Finally, I would have to be upfront and get mad to tell them ENOUGH, I'M NOT DRINKING. People always thought I was an ass, they just can't deal with people being upfront. I'm not a follower thank you. Smile Thank you for the nice words all the time Nat. Oh!! Out of the hollow has said very kind words too Smile It's nice to find out someone thought my words were inspirational or worth reading Razz

You are so nice person, you must know about it. Persons which think/thought bad about you so awful and don't deserve on contact with you. You know, I love you like every person here <3

KJ wrote:I know right? I'm so tired of people putting on a show when they know they're wrong, BUT that's a whole other post i'm too tired to go into lol. It's 03:23 at the moment, I need to get my hours back on track. This is what happens when you force yourself to stay up to watch Ghost Adventures lol. Thank you though, I don't dwell into things I don't want to and when people keep nagging me... I get mad because no ears on them! I told them the first time. I used to do things other people wanted even though I didn't want to. I learned that lesson growing up, now it's time to teach it to others. Razz I'm absolutely going to keep posting! I have MANY other topics and ideas I need to vocalize without actually being vocal lol... and I like when people tell me their opinions or thoughts about what I wrote. Smile

Please, take care about yourself, please.... You know sleep is very valid for organism, we need it for life. If you sleep too small you will be sick and your organism will be week and all time you will be tired.... and in resultat you will be sad. People can't nagged you, never!!!! This is unfair!! You must be careful for your life and your family. You should do what you want and not what people want...they use you....

KJ wrote:My cousin is a major annoyance, I feel as though I might end up murdering him.... literally. I tell him to leave my room, he does...okay cool, no problem. 5 minutes later, the fool shows up again completely unaware of what I told him. Typical alcoholic and memory failz = super annoyance to me. I had to listen to him talk dirty about the 4 days he was gone, shacked up in some cheap apartment with a girl, how they did nasties and other horrors to my ears. Now, I could careless but when i'm given details of your sex ordeals...that's when i'm gonna have to say something because why should I be told your 1 minute of fun? LOL 1 minute of fun...ahhh missy elliot's "One Minute Man" comes into mind as I say that....ah the early years. Anyways, yes! Annoying as hell.

I said. Your cousin need theraphy. Only it can help. Profesional help. In question addiction we can't fight with it alone. He must talking about it, what he feels etc. I hope that he will be feel better... I don't know your cousin but I send to you strenght and I believe that he can win with problem. Maybe, you try explain him that you don't want heart about it.....

KJ wrote:I hope people like my Chew Fu edit of Army of Love. It's been sitting in my to-do list for a week or two, but finding the motivation to want to finish it was at an all time low. It doesn't catch my ear like some remixes do, so trying to find the will to want to listen to it for 7+ hours a day to work on it and adjusting everything is a massive hemorrhage to my ears. It's not bad, it's just bland for my own taste is all Razz Geez, I made it sound like it's the worst thing on the earth lol. Forgive me!

Don't say "Forgive me!" because we are only humans. We have better and worts days.
And I know that Chery Chery Boom Boom will be an awesome

You are the best <3

KJ wrote:My BACK JUST HURTS HA. Just thought I'd let myself know that in my own blog

I love your blog, you know about it. I;m sorry that I asked so slowly but you know me.. I want repley good when my mind isn't death.....

A few days behind, but! Working on Raise your glass (Ultimix) by Pink and Firework (Wideboys/Ultimix Edit) by Katy Perry Totally fun. That way I can get away from just doing Kerli remix videos hehe. Getting burnt out on hearing the different aol remixes 7+ hours at a time

KJ wrote:Getting burnt out on hearing the different aol remixes 7+ hours at a time

I should think so, AoL is a great song but.. That's a lot of repetition

out of the hollow wrote:I should think so, AoL is a great song but.. That's a lot of repetition

OMG you have no idea. I spent I think 10+ hours working on Chew fu's edit one day, 5+ the next day. Time flys by so quick because when i'm working on edits, I make sure everything is perfect. I don't want to have to go back and re-do stuff because something was out of sync or wasn't cut right I figured I better get it out of the way since Mixin Marc & Chew Fu's were the two official remixes Now to make blog-magic happen! IDK why i said that, but looks good so i'm going to keep it

What would I do differently, with three kids at my hip?
I'm the age you were then, what goes through your mind?
Find some success and reduce the worry on your babies minds.
Just let them say what they will 'cause they will anyhow.
Lay back and light up, without any guilt.

This makes me sad to the point I actually feel like crying. I think about what my Mom went through raising us 3 kids and what she did to get us to where we are now. It's a happy/sad emotion I guess. I'm happy b/c we were raised not with a lot, but we always had a home and food, so I couldn't complain at all. We always had our Mom when we needed her, even if she was studying for class. She was attending school while we were growing up and so our aunt always watched after us when she left to class. I'm sad now because my mom is struggling to find work and I'm trying to find work too because it's only my older brother paying all the bills and I would love to help lift the stress on all of us. Finding work in South Dakota is like winning the lotto, we would all love it to happen, but it likely won't. It's sad to think, my mom has her bachelors in Sociology and minor in Psychology and yet she can't even find work again. She had a job in a mental facility for 2 years before she quit because her boss hired a racist woman and kept taking her side to the point of bringing her own boss and trying to make her sign a form saying she's been incompetent. She's done very well for herself at 36. She turns 37 on 9th March. I just pray something will come through with my video editing. I'd love to find work through being a video remixer.

I credit my weak heart and strong mind to that bad circumstance and those terrible times.?
I've searched for myself, I did not like what I found.
We're eggshells and not easy to hold, we uncurl and unwind when we sleep side-by-side.

I remember my parents divorce. I was 5 and they were I think 22 and 23 -- I strictly remember all the yelling, stuff breaking and shattering on the walls. I think it was for the best. We all would've been unhappy if they continued their relationship. I'm kind of glad they divorced because I would've never been able to meet one of my favourite grandma's who sadly passed away and crazy auntie who I still love talking to. My dad just turned 38 on 7th Feb. Anways, I think these experiences helped me because I would've been stoic all my life, not carrying what was happening to me. I remember my grandma kept telling us kids, all her grandchildren. Just turn gay and make life easier for me Haha I don't know why she wanted us all to be gay. Well she only got me halfway with that one Then again, i don't go around yelling, 'BIXSEXUAL RIGHT HERE.' That would be just awkward... and fun...maybe i will do that.

I've had two gf's and one bf. My one bf totally kind of threw me off men for now. I've smelled some smelly ass men a few times that just turns me off the gender in general. Bad breath, smelly armpits, yellow teeth, greasy hair = welcome to dating men. haha jk. We're not all like that. Thank god I was taught hygiene and still practice it DAILY. omg. the smells i can tell you running into guys in public places. *BARF* Currently, i'm talking to one of my old friends Nikki. She's 30, she's a friend I met at Borders. She has two kids, each from different dads b/c she seems to meet mentally unstable people. Well both times, they had some disorder that randomly started happening throughout the relationship. I've been talking to her more and more, she's a very lovely woman and I can see us hanging out.

*RANDOM SIDE-NOTE* I always imagined I would be dating or marrying someone 10-20 years older than I am. I'm kind of an old soul honestly. THat doesn't turn me away from dating guys too though. I've met some genuinely nice ones where we have similar interests, but they give me that vibe if we started dating, they would want to be in control. so no thank you. For me, idc what gender my partner is, as long as there's a connection we can establish. I like seeing people for who they are, not what they look like. In the end, its who they are as a person i'm attracted to. If they love hiking and camping HA LOVE YA. I like trekking the paths in our woods. We have a lot, I always take my iPod, my blade, sage and tobacco. It helps me think and pray. The woods and hills are where our ancestors are buried and so I give them thanks for being there for us when we need them.

I have so much more to talk about, but I just had a brain fart. As soon as I remember what it was, I'll absolutely continue with another post. it's 06:58 and i'm supposed to be up by 15:00 to watch my brothers kids.

OMG. My neighbour has the worst smelling feet. It smells like, Frito Corn Chips in musty dog poo. Seriously, can someone put some soap on those dogs because they're barking like MAD. Ha. That wasn't what I was talking about when I said I had more important things to talk about, this was a OMG Twix, need a moment, moment. hehe. Sorry, My ADHD is just wild this morning. I haven't slept yet.

KJ wrote:I remember my parents divorce. I was 5 and they were I think 22 and 23 -- I strictly remember all the yelling, stuff breaking and shattering on the walls. I think it was for the best. We all would've been unhappy if they continued their relationship.

I'm so sorry for it..but hmm maybe it better... I say about divorce because when they did it you had silence.

KJ wrote:I've had two gf's and one bf. My one bf totally kind of threw me off men for now. I've smelled some smelly ass men a few times that just turns me off the gender in general. Bad breath, smelly armpits, yellow teeth, greasy hair = welcome to dating men. haha jk. We're not all like that. Thank god I was taught hygiene and still practice it DAILY. omg. the smells i can tell you running into guys in public places. *BARF* Currently, i'm talking to one of my old friends Nikki. She's 30, she's a friend I met at Borders. She has two kids, each from different dads b/c she seems to meet mentally unstable people. Well both times, they had some disorder that randomly started happening throughout the relationship. I've been talking to her more and more, she's a very lovely woman and I can see us hanging out.

the most important is soul

KJ wrote:*RANDOM SIDE-NOTE* I always imagined I would be dating or marrying someone 10-20 years older than I am.

why???? are you don't like persons which have the same age like you??

KJ wrote: I like trekking the paths in our woods. We have a lot, I always take my iPod, my blade, sage and tobacco.

you wrote that you don't smoke.....


why you wrote that you have ADHD???

KerliPoland wrote:

KJ wrote:I remember my parents divorce. I was 5 and they were I think 22 and 23 -- I strictly remember all the yelling, stuff breaking and shattering on the walls. I think it was for the best. We all would've been unhappy if they continued their relationship.

I'm so sorry for it..but hmm maybe it better... I say about divorce because when they did it you had silence.

KJ wrote:I've had two gf's and one bf. My one bf totally kind of threw me off men for now. I've smelled some smelly ass men a few times that just turns me off the gender in general. Bad breath, smelly armpits, yellow teeth, greasy hair = welcome to dating men. haha jk. We're not all like that. Thank god I was taught hygiene and still practice it DAILY. omg. the smells i can tell you running into guys in public places. *BARF* Currently, i'm talking to one of my old friends Nikki. She's 30, she's a friend I met at Borders. She has two kids, each from different dads b/c she seems to meet mentally unstable people. Well both times, they had some disorder that randomly started happening throughout the relationship. I've been talking to her more and more, she's a very lovely woman and I can see us hanging out.

the most important is soul

KJ wrote:*RANDOM SIDE-NOTE* I always imagined I would be dating or marrying someone 10-20 years older than I am.

why???? are you don't like persons which have the same age like you??

KJ wrote: I like trekking the paths in our woods. We have a lot, I always take my iPod, my blade, sage and tobacco.

you wrote that you don't smoke.....


why you wrote that you have ADHD???

I'm not age biased really, I have yet to find someone within my age area who seems genuine. I run into dumb asses quite a bit. I always connect more with people older than I am Old soul right here
I don't smoke, Tobacco is sacred for us. We drop tobacco as thanks to the spirits, our ancestors, for watching and helping us when we it's needed. I think I might try to sleep. I fell asleep talking to Sunnech on windows live messenger LOL I"m terrible.

Kallen, you are young and you can experiment all the time. Ok, you must go to sleep... this is very important for organism... sweet dreams

KerliPoland wrote:Kallen, you are young and you can experiment all the time. Ok, you must go to sleep... this is very important for organism... sweet dreams

Yes, very true. But, I'm still up I can't sleep. I'm thinking too much. I'm just going to watch my DVD of Supernatural Season 4 Can't wait till season 6 gets released on DVD. I haven't watched any of the new season on tv b/c I'd rather just watch them all at once and avoid commercials too....yay!

msn doesn't work me

KJ wrote:avoid commercials

in Poland when is e.g. movie every commercial is 5-10 minutes lol
my fav series is 50 minutes (25 minutes it commercials lol )

It's late, 00:14 to be exact and I'm browsing men's grass dance videos on Youtube. How I wish I could go back to Pow Wow dancing My back totally sucks to be doing that anymore though. I saw a video of my cousin Kelly doing women's fancy shawl, she was amazing beyond belief. I remember the couples dances, I would dance with my cousin Adriane. Ahhh the memories. I still have my Regalia in my trunk with my grandma's eagle fan. It's also my Display Pic at the moment!. Anyways, side note from past memories. I'm totally sick with some terrible flu. I can't breath to much air in or it hurts my sides. If I cough, it hurts my sides. Basically, anything I do hurts my sides and i'm super achy everywhere on meh body.

Watch this video. The elderly women at at 0:40 are just too cute I love old people and elky's hahah.
They're traditional dancers btw, that's why they're not jumping around like the other dancers.
I used to men's fancy dance btw.
Skip to 5:55, you'll see the Men's Fancy Dancers. I loved fancy dancing, but it's very tiring if you don't have the stamina b/c you have to keep moving for the entire song


This pow wow happens at our centre here in Rapid City every year so, it's always fun to come and watch my family keep dancing

Check this out and skip to the 0:58 mark and check out what I mean by Fancy Shawl awesomeness.

OMG a MAJOR OLDIE by Jackie Bird. Lovesick Blues check it out! It's def native sounding haha. So old, late 90's!! I remember when my mom used to own the tape to this song. haha We'd play it all the time going on road trips.

hmmm always, when I write to you on MSN is auto message hmmmm
now i can;t see movies which you put here because my limit (Internet )is ended, New will be 10th March
And please go to the doctor, you can help you and you will be feel better.
I send you my love. Be strong

my avatar is now a ridiculous picture of my terrible face. Please laugh now

Pfft. Ridiculous? XD ADORABLE is more like it.

javieljones wrote:Pfft. Ridiculous? XD ADORABLE is more like it.

aww thank you. i remind myself of a burnt chicken in a hoodie. LOL -- JK It was freezing last night.

Hello, hey there... it's me, Kallen I haven't done this in awhile b/c I haven't been really inspired to talk about anything until now. I was talking with my cousins about high school and what our years entailed. I told them mine, which they were shocked like, "omg really? Why would they do that to you or why didn't you say anything?" I payed no attention to their blindness b/c yes, I infact did things at times, not all the time.

I remember one scenario. This one being during my friends lunch block. I skipped my class to sit with him (I know, i'm terrible ) during his lunch since it was the new semester e.g. new classes, lunch blocks. Anyways, I walked with him through the lunch lines, bs-ing back and forth like usual. The line shortened and thinned from 2 line to 1 line. I let him ahead first, just as I was about to move behind him. This asshole cuts in front of me like i'm not even there and just blocks my path. I was nice about it, I politely asked him, "excuse me." He turns around with look in his eyes like i'm nothing to him. Finally, he says "you're excused." No, i'm trying to get it through. He was like, "well, no i'm not moving." So I said, "well i'm going to ask you one more time." He was like, "and...and then what? What you gonna do? I said excuse me. "I'm not moving" So I just pushed ms. thing out of the way. You might be bigger than me, but you're not gonna disrespect me. okay, get out of the way. You're being a dumbass, I can see that now.

This KID was another small head, bald head who always had something to say about the gay community. He always said shit about gay people, but he was always around gay people, talking about them. Call me crazy, but it seems like your in heaven. He knew I was bisexual, but I never vocalized it much b/c it is/was nobodies business.

I said all that to say this, Be confident in who you are. Anytime you're different and you're confident, genuine with who you are, authentic, organic and you don't make apologies about who you are. People are going to be bothered/offended because people can't take the fact that you are who you are, that's the end of the story. It's who I am, it's not like i'm trying to upset you. You want me to cover myself up so YOU can't see me? Why don't you wear a damn bag over your face so you can't see me. I just feel like, a lot of the times when you are who you are, people will be offended by that. If you're smart, people will be thinking, "Oh, he/she think they know everything." No I don't think I know everything, but what I do know is i'm talking about on this particular topic of discussion and you can't take that. That's why you're mad. Once again, I said all THAT to say this Don't ever let anyone make you feel some type of way about what it is you do or who it is that you are. Be who you are, don't make no apologies. As long as you're being true to who yourself. Have integrity, be who you are, be genuine and authentic. At the end of the day, if you're doing that and what anyone else has anything to say is on them. If they don't like it, tough. Okay so you don't like me, and so what. Are you paying for my bills? Are you paying for my groceries? Right, so what you have to say means what to me? RIGHT nothing. Just like the bills you aren't paying, your words weigh none. Your words mean what?

haha. I'm sorry, its 03:50 and i'm ranting!!!! OH PEOPLE. Listen to these two amazing songs by BT. 1.618 and Dynamic Symmetry. These are the best ambient/electronic songs I've heard in such a long time. His entire album, "This Binary Universe" from which those two songs are of also, is amazing. It's 7 tracks of amazingness i've heard in such a long time. Sorry for all the terrible grammar mistakes haha. I feel like I have a glass eye. My right eye lid is closed, while my left eye lid is open. I'm having the ancient battle between good and evil on my own face trying to stay up!! haha.

Until I have something inspirational to say, I won't write such long posts anymore I'll save those important posts as they pop in my head!!

Working on Tonight (I'm F*cking You) (Ultimix) by Enrique Iglesias. I love Ultimixes remixes so much

I'm so sorry for this man
I miss for you