Girls be AMbitious (Based on the song and music video by miyavi)

It’s the guardian angel’s job to protect the people we’re assigned to until their time of death arrives. For some of us, those times are very painful. My girl’s time is coming. All I can do is sit here, invisible at her window, and watch her sit in bed, an IV in her arm, and some girlfriends surrounding her. Claire’s become so frail since being sick that she’s trapped here in the hospital. She’s wearing a hospital gown and a pink bandana over her head to cover her hair loss.

“They still don’t know what it is?” One friend asks.

“No,” she responds “all they know is that it’ll kill me if I’m not careful. I’m not even allowed to walk anywhere, and I have to eat, even if I just throw it up again.”

“That’s horrible. Does Adam know? Has he visited you yet?”

Claire pauses for a moment and looks sadly at the bed. “He does know that I’m sick, and I told him how I felt on Friday before I blacked out. He looked-I don’t know-upset. I don’t expect him to come see me if he really doesn’t like me that much.”

I can feel myself tearing apart inside. Guardian angels are allowed to show themselves as friends or relatives, as long as we don’t show our wings. Yes, I’m Adam. I materialized and became her friend when she was five years old. Being an angel, I was able to appear the same age, and “grew up” with her. I fell for her almost instantly, but knowing she would die at fifteen, I could never bring myself to tell her. For an angel to be with a human is forbidden anyway.

I can’t stand to see her so upset because of me, but I can’t show myself now. Love is a lingering attachment that may make death harder to accept for her. I couldn’t do that to her. Besides, when she dies, I can tell her the truth, and maybe she’ll want to be an angel too.

Until then, I just have to wait. It’s already sunset and her friends are leaving. The door closes and Claire hangs her head and her eyes spill down her face. I remember the first time she came to me, crying. She was eight years old, her parents had just had a tough divorce, and her mom couldn’t leave her chair, eat, or even smile for days. Claire was so worried that she didn’t love her anymore.

“That’s not true,” I told her “she just feels guilty.”

“What?” she sniffed “Why would she feel guilty?”

“Well, your parents were arguing a lot, and now they’re not together anymore. She thinks she let you down, and that you don’t love her anymore.”

“But I do love her! I mean, I love Daddy too, but how could I not love my mom?”

“Did you know a flower goes its whole life without ever being told how pretty it is? They don’t have eyes or voices, so they can’t see or tell each other the beautiful shapes and patterns that they have. Still, they get to live pretty long.”

“So? We’re talking about my mom, not flowers!”

“Exactly, your mom isn’t a flower, she’s a human being. Humans can’t live without knowing how important they are. You have to remind her that you love her, and everything she does for you. If you don’t, she won’t get better.”

Claire’s face lit up in a beautiful smile. She agreed to do just that, so I helped her make a card and a crown of dandelions and clovers from her backyard. Her mom cried, but she was happy. She got better very quickly, and Claire vowed to always let everyone know how much they meant to her. I, of course, got that every day, and hearing it only made my love for her grow stronger.

But I won’t hear that today. She’ll be dead tomorrow morning, and cry herself to sleep thinking that I don’t like her at all.

Wait, she isn’t crying anymore, now she’s-she’s pulling the IV out of her arm! Claire! I want to say What are you doing? She turns to the side of her bed and settles her feet on the floor. Is she standing up? Don’t! I think. You’re shaking and your arm is bleeding! Claire!

She takes a second to steady herself and slowly makes her way to the door. Is she looking for me? No, she can’t! She can’t leave the hospital. Can she? I have to stop her.

I fly past her, materialize in the hall, and lean my shoulder on the wall, hating myself for doing this to her. I should’ve never showed myself. The door opens and she freezes up when she sees me.

“You shouldn’t be out of bed.” I tell her. “You’re bleeding, and I know whatever you have is making it hard to stand up and walk.”

“How long have you been standing there?” She asks.

“Why are you up?”

“I just wanted to see you. I wanted…If I die tomorrow, I want to know that you don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you Claire.”

“Then why didn’t you come see me before?”

“Cause I would’ve just tried to make you feel better.”

“So?”

“I learned a long time ago that a knife hurts more when it’s pulled than when it’s stabbed. When your life is on the line and someone makes you happy, the idea of death seems much worse. It hurts more to see what you’d be leaving behind.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Just trust me, it wouldn’t have been worth it.”

We’re quiet for what seems like an eternity, then I feel her cold, bloody hand on mine. “Adam, I don’t want to die, but I’ll be okay with it if you just tell me how you feel. Whatever the truth is, I have to know. Please?”

I reach out with my other hand to dry the newly formed tears on her face. “Claire, I’ve always loved you, and I always will. I’m so sorry I made you think that I don’t.”

Claire smiles up at me, closes her eyes and leans a little closer. Her lips are parted, soft and pink, begging me to taste them. I start to lean in too, but I’ve already done too much, and without thinking, I realize I’ve dematerialized. She’s staring into my eyes, but I know she can’t see me.

She takes a step back, tears racing down her face. “Breathe,” she gasps, clutching her throat “I can’t…breathe…help.”

I watch as she tries to call for help, but her voice isn’t loud enough. After a few short minutes she collapses and I kneel at her side. She’s not gone, not yet. She still has until morning. I check around to make sure no one can see us and materialize. I pick her up in my arms and carry her back into her room. I lay her back on the bed, push the emergency button on the bedrail, and dematerialize again. It doesn’t take long for help to come. A doctor and two nurses rush to her side and scramble around with a ton of equipment, trying to keep her alive.

When they finish, the IV is re-injected, the area where the needle was before is wrapped in gauze, there’s an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, she has defibrillators on her chest, and a heart monitor on one of her fingers, all for nothing. Her condition is stable for now, but the oxygen isn’t properly plugged in, and it’ll fall out and let Claire leave this world just before the sun rises. Only three hours left.

Meanwhile, I can’t stop staring at her. I’ve protected her from so much crap in her life for this? No. I won’t let her die. She doesn’t want to. She thinks I abandoned her. She’ll die thinking our last conversation was in her head. I’ll most likely lose my wings for changing fate, but I’d be able to live a happy, mortal life with her. When death comes, I’ll fight him off. I’m her guardian angel, and I will protect her.

It’s strange to think about. If she hadn’t gotten out of bed, I’d still be standing at her window, waiting for her to die. I would have let her pass believing that I don’t care about her. I was driven by her ambition.