Essence of Vanilla

So since I have to vent somehow, here I am. Simple as that. When it comes to me, I'm everyone and noone. I don't know who I actually am because I have a problem with my past that needs to be figured out, otherwis, I won't know myself until then. I know how everyone is "themselves" and such, but I think that nobody really is. They all CONFORM. (this word is going to be used a lot in my blog, FYI)
You see, my mother is a drug addict, alchoholic, and tried to be a good mother. I love her, but veryone loves their mothers. I am really mad at her and don't know what to do. I constantly have outbirsts for no reason and get grounded for something I have no control over. I live with my grandparents, Aunt, and two cousins (Desire'e and Liam). My mother is in one of those drug addict places and calls almost every night.
I have no more time on my hands at the moment, but please feel free to give advice.

KayKay... I'm so sorry. I know about what you are going through, and I try to help, but then again we both have things going on so I think that for both of us, its hard to help each other because our problems are so close yet so far from being the same.

I just wish you luck and I'll try to be there for you any time I can. Just call (texting doesn't seem to work) and I'll try to be there for you. I can give you all kinds of advice, from spiritual to emotional to other kinds I have no idea how I do it but I seem to find something to say.

Anyway...

Integrity ♥ Love ♥ Unity
~~ LunaChild (Faith)

Honey, I'm so sorry. I don't know you but I feel that you have magic in your heart and soul. Don't think about your past life because this isn't good- really I know, what I say.
I'm so sorry for your mom. You know live sometimes has bad moments but always you will see Sun and Rainbow!!! I understand that you are bad at her but remember that addiction isn't easy to end... maybe you should try support her if this is possible, honey.
Honey, remember that we are here for you, always when you will need help.

hope things get better for you.*hugs*

All summer, I've been going to a performing arts camp. I'm super into the arts (mainly acting but I sing a little, badly, but i do). I hope to become as big as selena gomez, lady G or Kerli. I know they are all singers and I wanna act, but still. They ARE big. Tomorrow there is an open casting call for a new movie for extras and I might be going. *crosses fingers*
I am scared because I dont have the "hollywood look" Im kinda emo-looking. so I hope that they dont think I'm like that. I just like the look itself.

Vanilla wrote:All summer, I've been going to a performing arts camp. I'm super into the arts (mainly acting but I sing a little, badly, but i do). I hope to become as big as selena gomez, lady G or Kerli. I know they are all singers and I wanna act, but still. They ARE big. Tomorrow there is an open casting call for a new movie for extras and I might be going. *crosses fingers*
I am scared because I dont have the "hollywood look" Im kinda emo-looking. so I hope that they dont think I'm like that. I just like the look itself.

Okay, don't try to pass anything by me KayKay. You've told one lie so far... you don't look emo at all. You're too bright, sunny, happy, and just don't look it one bit.

There is something I envy you on though... you actually are allowed to do this kind of stuff. My parents would never take me to this kind of thing, because it would take too much money for gas and most likely to even try out. So someday when I'm older, I'll take you with me if you haven't gotten anywhere, I'm going to Hollywood on a road trip and going to try and find something to do!

And I'm sorry if I'm ever so slightly bursting your bubble, but that is what true friends are for! Well not really, just helping you see reality. I'm happy that you want to do this, but it takes a while to get through all of those people who go looking for talent in any way shape or form.

lunachild wrote:Okay, don't try to pass anything by me KayKay. You've told one lie so far... you don't look emo at all. You're too bright, sunny, happy, and just don't look it one bit.

FACT- I do look emo some days some days I look gothy some days I look scenish. depends on my mood yesterday I looked emoish.

Today I went to the audition. Two hours waiting in line. Thirty minutes in a holding room. I didnt even have to speak. All they did was take my info paper, take my picture and said, "BYE!" and out the door I went. But it was fun and after I got to go to TAZA resturaunt and Menchies yogurt place. At TAZA I saw Eliza from camp and at Menchies I got attacked by Jen from camp. LOL, good times.

I look like crap so I'm going to go take a shower soon. so until then...

PEACE

Vanilla wrote:

lunachild wrote:Okay, don't try to pass anything by me KayKay. You've told one lie so far... you don't look emo at all. You're too bright, sunny, happy, and just don't look it one bit.

FACT- I do look emo some days some days I look gothy some days I look scenish. depends on my mood yesterday I looked emoish.

FACT- Most days you look like you slid down a rainbow. That is not gothy, nor is it emo, nor is it even remotely scenish. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I know you and what you really look like. Just because you do it one day it doesn't make you that. Do you even know what a true emo is? Scene is just a lighter side of emo, but still dark in its own way. You can't just say you are something and expect everyone to believe it... People who really know you will end up telling truth, then you get caught up in a knot.

I feel this is going to turn into a quote war.

lunachild wrote:

Vanilla wrote:

lunachild wrote:Okay, don't try to pass anything by me KayKay. You've told one lie so far... you don't look emo at all. You're too bright, sunny, happy, and just don't look it one bit.

FACT- I do look emo some days some days I look gothy some days I look scenish. depends on my mood yesterday I looked emoish.

FACT- Most days you look like you slid down a rainbow. That is not gothy, nor is it emo, nor is it even remotely scenish. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I know you and what you really look like. Just because you do it one day it doesn't make you that. Do you even know what a true emo is? Scene is just a lighter side of emo, but still dark in its own way. You can't just say you are something and expect everyone to believe it... People who really know you will end up telling truth, then you get caught up in a knot.

I'm not going to argue with you but let me tell you something. I have changed and you dont even spend time with me anymore. And the fact that I'm Candy Goth in style or casual goth most days. I wen ton the audition and I looked super emo/casual goth combo. It was amazing. I have a feeling they arent going to give me a callback but, what the hell?

Vanilla wrote:I feel this is going to turn into a quote war.

lunachild wrote:

Vanilla wrote:

lunachild wrote:Okay, don't try to pass anything by me KayKay. You've told one lie so far... you don't look emo at all. You're too bright, sunny, happy, and just don't look it one bit.

FACT- I do look emo some days some days I look gothy some days I look scenish. depends on my mood yesterday I looked emoish.

FACT- Most days you look like you slid down a rainbow. That is not gothy, nor is it emo, nor is it even remotely scenish. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I know you and what you really look like. Just because you do it one day it doesn't make you that. Do you even know what a true emo is? Scene is just a lighter side of emo, but still dark in its own way. You can't just say you are something and expect everyone to believe it... People who really know you will end up telling truth, then you get caught up in a knot.

I'm not going to argue with you but let me tell you something. I have changed and you dont even spend time with me anymore. And the fact that I'm Candy Goth in style or casual goth most days. I wen ton the audition and I looked super emo/casual goth combo. It was amazing. I have a feeling they arent going to give me a callback but, what the hell?

I'd ask you to prove it, but that would be rude. And I do want to hang out with you, just that you are so busy with your stuff. And you know I hate texting, yet you try to force it on me anyway. I even wonder... why did you change your last name on your FaceBook? What is the relevance? Changing what you look like, or changing your name, isn't going to change the world around you. A change in an attitude is the only way to make a difference.

I you scroll donw on my facebook you'd see a post where I let people change the stuff about me for a week. Lydia changed my last name to hers and ANDI changed my pick to a "KayKay ♥'s BlobFish" thingy

So not doing that KayKay! Sorry but that is so not my thing. I go on facebook, check what I need to check, then leave.

OK, just telling you what happened.

Okay... why don't you update? I love reading updates and giving my opinions on certain views of things!

ok. maybe i will.

And maybe you wont, right?

I updated. Stop being that way. this is the first time I've had me time in such a long while. you have no freaking idea!

And you know what? YOU have no freaking idea that I have too MUCH time for me but then I never feel like it because I'm to busy doubting myself! I could start CUTTING and you wouldn't give me the time of DAY to care!!!!!!

I'm just going to start ignoring random bursts on my blog because its really getting annoying when I'm in good moods. Just saying to some people.

SO I just made the front of my shirt for Taylor Swift with Desi (My Annoying Cousin) and hers might look better than mine and im the bigger fan. grr to her artiness. but tomorrow im doing the back. Pics to come.

Can't wait KayKay! Hey, we need to plan a sleep over so that we can re-connect... I could probably help you bring peace back to you with the good energy of my now clean room.

I'm sorry for all that I said. It was the bad energy and imbalance filling me. I feel horrible now that I look back. I hope you don't hate me.

No Hatred, Only Love. I did some Tia chi today, actually tons cause i taught a kids tai chi class all afternoon so I have great energy with me today. I feel so relaxed and calm. But then I started to watch tv and i didnt and I did some more tai chi and now I do. Fun how that works.

And I'm booked for the next two weeks. this weekend I have a busy life and next weekend I'm planning on catching up on sleep if I can. But we can do it some time soon, I promise.

Okay... sigh... I have way to much time to sleep on my hands... except this week is VBS for kids at my church... Vacation Bible School

How're things with your mom lately vanilla? I've a best best best friend whose mom is into drugs and heavy drinking and stuff and as awful as she is and as much as my friend hates her for it, she still loves her, so I totally get that.
I mean what are you focusing on these days? I'd assume you try to stay active and busy to keep your mind off the negative things in your life, yeah?

Sorry it's been so long since I've replied to this thread or this site, I've been doing other things, life has been a highway and I've been walking, slowly taking it in. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my past and on what I want my future to be like, but most of all, I've actually been seeing the present and how I now know who my true friends are and how I can better myself, how I can better my life.

So here are the things I realized:
-My mom can't stop what she does, but it's also her fault that she does it.
-My friends have been hiding their true colors. I have been blind to who I actually care about and who cares about me. The one I thought was my best friend thinks I'm a loser and a crazy bitch. She crticizes me and I don't do a shit about it. Well, get ready for a reality check.
-I'm a people pleaser.
-I hurt on the inside more than I tell myself and recently realized that I'm depressed, even if I don't tell my grandparents.
-I write things that I dream, but I don't remember the dreams, only small images that become my words.
-I don't give a flying fuck about college, I wanna act!
-I'm smarter than I let on, but also, I'm dumb as shit and don't really care.
-I blame other people for my mistakes.
-I cry in my sleep.

Oh and to answer your question, Wolfeh, I only talk to my mom once in a blue moon now, but last I heard, she was in rehab or something (probably a house with a whole bunch of other girls, monitered by AA).

Find a passion that makes you feel good. Tell your mother that you love her very much and you would like to help her out and as for getting grounded, is it your mom or aunt or what?
I hope you feel better,
Julia