When the devil comes a-knocking

Okay so I know that this is technically a poem, but it's just so incredibly long and actually tells a story so I thought I'd post it here instead! I personally don't like the ending because I just didn't know how to put it, so pleeeease feel free to give your most brutal criticism!!!

The devil knocked on my door last night
I ran and hid in a corner, choking with fright
I sat there, waiting for him to go away
But instead, he came in through a window and stayed

It had been my sixteenth birthday that afternoon
So there were still streamers strewn across the room
He settled down in a relatively clean chair
My spine quaked from my immense fear

A lot of time passed without a single word said
I was afraid that if I spoke, he’d find reason for my death
I glared at my own trembling hands and thought
“Be still, loyal friends, or we will all get caught!”

But, alas, he saw the terror in my eyes
I tried to look away but to my surprise
He said “don’t be afraid for I will not harm
Someone so full of light, so please stay calm”

I felt confused, remembering the mothers tell
About how this horned man would invite me to hell
And yet, there he stood, with no such intentions
Come to think of it, he fit none of their descriptions

He seemed just as human as you and I
With a smile that shone, with the brightest eyes
There was no red tint to any of his features
He carried no weapons, no diseases, no leeches

“Are you really the evil Lucifer? Are you here for me?
Have I pleased you in some sick way? Am I to never be free?”
He laughed at my naivety which kind of hurt my pride
I tried to gather my courage and sat down at his side

I looked him in the eye and said “please tell me why you’re here
For I do not have the patience to wait for my fate to clear”
He seemed taken aback by my sudden change of tune
I hoped this would help squeeze out a bit of truth

“What makes you think I have fallen from high?
How do you know whether or not my wings have died?”
I considered his words and examined his appearance again
And remembered that this assumption had rooted in apparent pain

“Sir, though your eyes glow with a brightness I crave,
They seem to have been weakened in some supernatural way
I assumed that this was due to a loss of light
But, perhaps, my assumptions were not quite right

Please tell me your story so that I may know
Whether to trust you as a symbol of love or woe”
At first he was hesitant about opening up
But as soon as his mouth opened, it refused to shut

“Well, I was sat on a cloud watching over a client
When he met her at a church, the heavens fell silent
For there she was, the most beautiful of sights
With her curly, black hair and a hint of blue highlights

None of us could help but to stop and stare
When she cracked the most adorable smile mid-prayer
My breath caught in my throat when she shook his hand
Oh how I wish that was me introducing myself to her as a man

Everywhere she walked, men’s heads would turn
The poor women on their arms, their hearts would churn
Two hours later, I realised that her immense beauty
Had distracted me from what I was meant to be doing

I scanned the church and found him in an empty pew
He was reading through a bible, searching for the usual clues
I gave a sigh of relief, grateful that he had not strayed
For my temporary absence would have been to blame

A few weeks passed without a single glimpse of her
I began to wonder if she was just a dream or worse
And yet, when he arrived at his workplace on a Monday,
She was sitting there waiting for him, holding her résumé

I couldn’t believe my eyes when she signed the deal
I was destined to see her every day serving him meals
It seemed unfair that such talent should be wasted
On my client, the man who did not like what he tasted

The blessing of her presence was but a limited one
For within a week, my beautiful Leila was gone
The emptiness I felt when she left was torture
My soul yearned to be refilled and my heart shot thunder

The grief in my veins thickened my blood
So that I couldn’t move and soon enough,
I stopped watching over my necessary client
And began to search for the woman who’d once brought the heavens to silence

I travelled through many lands, ignoring the scenery
I did not care for my location; I just wanted her with me
Chains of abandonment hung from my wrists and ankles
But I just had to find her, regardless of these shackles

Three years passed and I still hadn’t found her
I was almost ready to admit that it was over
So I walked into some pub in an old Irish town
Sat down at the bar and took good look around

I almost cried out with joy when I noticed her there
Not a thing had changed, not a freckle nor a hair
Yes, there she was, the most beautiful of sights
With her curly, black hair and a hint of blue highlights

I approached her with glee and finally introduced myself
Although I did not mention my occupation of spiritual help
Our conversation flowed as freely as I knew it would
Although we spoke for longer than I thought we could

Every single day, we’d meet up in that same pub
Just so that we could talk about the world and stuff
I’d thought it would be impossible to fall
For her as hard as I had before

And yet the ground had sent electricity through my body
My wings beneath my coat turned charcoal black, my vision red and foggy
I did not understand how this change had occurred
For I should only ever change if I fall for a devil’s curse

Human eyes are too ignorant to notice supernatural change
And yet my beautiful Leila, her eyes widened and held my gaze
She pulled back her sleeve to show a mark on her arm
The mark of a succubus, an alluring resident of the dark

My heart sank through the floorboards below
I had fallen in love with an evil foe
Her beauty was but a mask of disguise
There had been a mist concealing her empty eyes

It was too late to take back my reckless actions
Within nine months, she felt no pain through the contractions
I had given her a healthy baby girl without knowing
A girl with a heart of gold, but lacked a soul glowing

We both wondered what her future would hold
Whether she would be light and warm, or dark and cold
Arguments raged about who should raise our daughter
So a greater power instructed us that He would instead take her

To a more suitable environment among good and evil alike
To a human family she was sent under the cover of night
I promised to watch over her from my new smoky home
And to make sure that she wouldn’t transition alone

Created entities do not go through transition
For they are magical from the start of creation
However, those brought into the world through birth
Are to first grow up as a human on Earth

Transition occurs when the child is sixteen
Where he or she will experience strange dreams
And will wake up to find feathers in the bed
White feathers symbolise life, while black symbolise death

Usually the child will follow the same power as its parents
However our child was different from other immortal descendents
No one knew whether she would kill or save
Whether she would grow up to be happy or grave”

He suddenly stopped talking and I wondered what was wrong
Questions ran through my head, but his facial expression appeared forlorn
“What happened to your forbidden Leila?
And, right this moment, how old is your daughter?”

This time his hands were trembling as he took something out of his pocket
I looked closer and noticed that it was an antique silver locket
He opened it up to reveal a photo of a strangely familiar woman
I realised that I recognised her as my school teacher from when I was seven

I stared at the picture and noticed that to my surprise
She had curly, black hair and a hint of blue highlights
And not only that, but her eyes were a certain green
That could not be found in the eyes of many

He indicated to the mirror on the wall behind him
And held up the locket right next to my reflection
I had the same long lashes and the same shaped chin
I had the same round face and the same full lips

I had the same pointed nose and rosy cheeks
I had the same long neck and perfect set of teeth
And though I had the fallen angel’s hazel eyes
I still had that curly, black hair and a hint of blue highlights

WOW O.O
that was...zomg... that was COSMIC.
i LOVED it!
:DD

i thought the ending was fine. i kinda liked that the ending was sort of a cliffhanger. maybe like one more line or something would of made it better, but it was still really great. ^_^

I like the ending. It sums it up but doesn't answer all your questions.

Very Edgar Allen Poe like, GREAT job.

I noticed some small flow problems here and there, but nothing HUGE. Great job.

lol thank you guys

yeah, i started out paying attention to flow but then i just thought "fuck it, that's holding me back from telling the story" so there are long lines and short lines and lines that don't COMPLETELY rhyme properly.... but oh well

^ Using half-rhyme can be very effective too though. Sometimes poetry sounds very "clunky" if you use perfect rhyming couplets the whole way through a poem, if you know what I mean. It starts to get predictable, like clockwork, rather than flowing. I think the half-rhymes worked very well in this.

I love the story, and I like how it ends with a cliffhanger, I don't feel you need to change it But edit it anyway if you feel you've come up with something better, that's my advice, then we can see what we think of that too. A good thing about free verse is that you can have very long lines next to very short lines if you want. Keep practising, and you'll be able to use that technique and keep the flow going as well.

But yeah, I think you've done a fab job with this poem

Creepy

Nice



I like it

Wow....... I dont care how hot Satan may be BUT I WILL NEEEEEEVVVEEER MARRY HIM! lol nice story

Wow... That is such a very well written story. I actually like it a lot!